steelman1649

My AW blew me off. She "volunteered" to go babysit her sister's kids and stay the night at her folks house a.k.a. go get blackout drunk because they enable her.
I got some cheap gift and a card that wasn't even signed.

I guess the fact that she spends $25-30 a day on booze doesn't allow her the money to get me much. But then again she doesn't pay any bills. Don't get me wrong I don't care about the amount of money spent, well wait...given the info above maybe i do a little but she didn't even ask me if I wanted to do anything, like dinner out, a movie, etc. I would've paid the way. My friends took me to dinner Friday and family out for lunch Saturday which was really nice.

I've always rolled out the red carpet for every one of her b-day's, other holidays, when she's having a "hard day". Something made me think the hell she's put me through, surely she'd at least really make this birthday special. Nope.

One issue between us is the fact she thinks I act like her "daddy" and don't respect her. How do I communicate my dissapointment without getting her backed into a corner?

AnvilheadII

would it really make a whit of difference? she is showing you what matters to her, what she is putting her energy into, what is her priority. and sadly, it's not you. she is self absorbed and consumed with drinking.

time to stop treating her like some damn princess. cuz she ain't. she can only put you thru hell if you hop on the bus. and your eternal suffering is not going to reap you any rewards. not being harsh, just being blunt. you continue to have EXPECTATIONS that she is going to suddenly act normal and behave in the way you wish she would. and she has shown you time and time and time again that those expectations will only bring YOU disappointment.

happy birthday! sounds like you have caring friends and family that DID go out of the way for you. that would be a good item for the gratitude list!

ResignedToWait

Happy birthday dude!

firebolt

Happy Birthday!!!

It sounds like the biggest favor you could do for yourself is just not expect her to do anything. That will do more for your health in the long run - more than telling her how it made you feel in the short run. Yeah...I'm learning that stuff the hard way too.

Seriously - revel in those friends and family that DO care - and ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!!

positivechang

Happy Birthday! Good day to be born, I say! :-)
Since we are in the same boat with this one. It will allow us to re-evaluate what we really deserve this new year. It really bites though doesn't. Here's to both of birthdays getting better without depending on our spouses turning it around.

steelman1649

Alcohol aside, why does she get a free pass on being a crappy spouse?

blake1989

Happy Birthday pal. I know I'd do the above if I was treated this way on my bday. Make it a good one!

positivechang

Steelman, that is a good question. My answer regarding my spouse is, because I allow him to be a crappy spouse. I know it will never change, because I stay which in turn gives him the permission it's ok. That is why I'm getting my ducks in a row and leaving.

MissFixit

steelman,

happy birthday.

she doesnt get a free pass to be a crappy spouse. she is a crappy spouse that you choose to stay married to for whatever reason only you know. she is not going to be who you want her to be. why do you give her a free pass?

tough love to you on your big day

hugs

Vigilance

Happy Birthday!!!!!

getthere

I know how you feel,for my ex birthdays i went all out,holidays,hotels,nice gifts,trying to get our relationship working I suppose,this weekend is his birthday,and we were supposed to spend it in a lovely irish romantic castle hotel,(its cancelled)
For my 50th I got an IOU,i knew on the day I would never get what was on the IOU,unless I bloody booked it.We went for lunch,i paid for,two weeks later we went out with friends for my birthday,again I paid.Thing is,he is in rehab now,and I bet he will be expecting something from us this week.going to be very disappointed.

Hope you get to enjoy some of your birthday.2

honeypig

Echoing Missfixit--your AW has been pretty darn clear about who she is and what she does. You know her priorities, it seems. Are you prepared to live w/her exactly as she is?

If not, then it's time to accept that SHE won't change, but YOU certainly can. What better time to start those changes than at the beginning of a new year of your life? Make it a really memorable one--maybe celebrate w/an Alanon meeting! Start living for YOU! Woo hoo!

Hammer

A night of peace and bliss, if you so choose to see it.

I would recommend an Alanon meeting, Step Work, and maybe start on a Crappy to Happy List if you would something much better next year.

You know how to do the Crappy to Happy List?

Keep. Those. Friends. (and do notice nothing mentioned about keep the wife. If we were the type of folks to do advice, THEN we may say something like Dump. The. Wife.)

Good. You are starting to get it.

I can be a bit slow on my end, too.

BUT eventually we do start to get it.

Yeah, was funny when Mrs. Hammer came back from Rehab, she kept ranting at me -- that the Rehab folks were saying I was her Dad . . . . so I looked up learned some of what that meant. (this is a bit harsh, but it kind of breaks through the denial).

Hostile Dependency: Is your Wife, Girlfriend or Ex a Child Masquerading in the Body of a Woman? | Shrink4Men

SnoozyQ

:day


Happy birthday. Try not to sit around wallowing.

It is what it is. Nothing will change until you force your hand to make changes.
She is an alike , her lover is booze , you come a very far down the line 2nd.

I'm sure she will be having a drink for you over there ! Any occasion is worth a drink even if the birthday recipient isn't there.

You are her husband , make her accountable or enjoy your life without her because she wont change until she can or is good and ready too .I'm sure you let her know how much you do for her on her special and unspecial days but this guilt will only make her drink more.

You need to stop being a martyr

You are along for the ride which may be a very long one ( all your life ) or until you both get help. I know you are upset and so you should be , it's your birthday and the one person you love most in the world is sharing it without you.

Your choice .

I'm sorry if i sound harsh

I once was her.

deeker

dandylion

:day:daysteelman---In my opinion, you can tell her if you want to--if it makes you feel any better. Otherwise--it won't make any difference. Just don't expect it to make any difference in her actions.

If you think telling her your disappointment will start a big uproar--maybe wait until after your birthday is over.

I am so sorry, steelman.

I do wish you a happy bithday.!!!!!!!!

spiderqueen

I actually think she's paying a very high price. The loss of your love, trust and respect - very high price, indeed. And I imagine somewhere inside she knows that. And as someone else said, that probably drives her deeper into oblivion.

Happy Birthday, Steelman. I hope you have many, happier returns.

Charmed3

Happy birthday!

I am so sorry, I know how much this hurts.

I found that expressing my disappointment only made things worse for me because then not only did he clearly show my birthday was unimportant to him but when he was incapable of understanding the disappointment I was feeling - I felt worse.

NWGRITS

Happy birthday!!!

You're wondering why we are all focusing on you instead of her. It's because YOU are the only person who YOU have the power to change. One of the hardest lessons for me to learn as an ACoA and codie is that healthy people do things for others out of the goodness of their hearts, a genuine selflessness that we as codies lack. When you are healthy, doing for others does not come with the expectation of receiving anything in return. We get angry that we did x, y, and z, and they had the audacity to not give it back exactly as we gave to them. Your wife doesn't owe you anything. Hey, she's got it made. She doesn't have to do jack, and you roll out the red carpet for her. That free pass has your stamp on it. You issued it. And you can halt the gravy train any time you darn well feel like it. You treat people how to treat you. Just a little food for thought as you start another revolution around the sun.

SherylB

I'm still new here and working my way around, but I just wanted to tell you to listen to some of the great advice these people have to offer. I've been here less than a week and already I'm beginning to feel better.