love4menotu

I know my relationship with my now ex husband was disfunctional. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, and I had to file for divorce.

My therapist said to me last night that she thinks I confuse love with need. That I needed him, that love had nothing to do with it.

That my reaching out to him the other day had nothing to do with love. That it was need... need to see if he had changed, need to see if he ever loved me. A reassurance that (of course) I did not receive.

He's still horribly angry and we've been apart for six months, he also is in another relationship.

It's incredibly painful to realize that two people could love so differntly.. me unconditionally and him.. with so many conditions. That when he was angry with me it was like he HATED me... when I was angry with him, I still loved him.

Is this fear of never being loved possible to overcome? I thought I had it with my ex, for sure I loved him, and I was so convinced that he loved me too. I was very, very wrong. It was all about control with him.

Thanks,

Lyn

caboblanco

I don't fear it. Sometimes I even welcome it. If you don't have romantic love doesn't mean you're an empty vessel. There are other kinds of love

getthere

I would be more afraid of finding it.someone said to me this morning,now you are free to find someone else,i was happy with my life when I met my ExA,And with my youngest now 24 I intend to be happy again ALONE.

formyboys

I have pretty much resigned myself to that....I have my boys and for now that is all I need. But I miss being a couple, having a partner, someone on your team. I have never trusted anyone like I trusted my XRAH, which says a lot about me.....picking an A to put my trust in for the first time??!!...

At this very minute I feel like I couldn't survive anyone ever hurting me again like he did, so I stay away from any chance of that happening. But Im hoping that in time that passes and I am able to open myself up to that possibility again. I just don't see it happening now. I take that as my soul telling me it is not time.

Mountainmanbob

well it's important to overcome that fear
before
we truly find the right one
seems in most cases people only have a healthy relationship
when
they are ok with being alone with themselves

we are far less needy then
the other person picks up on this (it just shows)

MM

love4menotu

Yes, I think that overcoming it has to be done.

It may be impossible to trust anyone again.. I have always been too trusting. And my relationship with my ex has about destroyed what is left of me.

This may take years. But I have happiness every day in the love of my children, and the love of my friends.

hugs,

Lyn

marie1960

Is this fear of never being loved possible to overcome? (love4mentu)

Of course, you can overcome your fear. All things are possible with a bit of effort.

I have to say, this is an inside job. It's all YOU.

No doubt, living with an active addict is going to leave some scars. This disease robs us of our inner joy. We become so wrapped up in someone else's issues we loose ourselves along the way.

Once you are able to let go, wipe the slate clean, and embrace your future, the light comes on, no longer stumbling around in the dark, you are able to move forward.

Welcome the chance to get to know yourself again. Regain your self worth. Place value on your precious life. Raise the bar for yourself.

You want to be healthy? Surround yourself with healthy people. You want good things to happen, do good things.

Thinking that a relationship and love is the answer, is only going to lead to more disappointment in life.

You have to know who you are first, and be comfortable in your skin. Love, honor, and respect yourself. When we know who we are, it is easy to be confident. People are attracted to confident, secure, stable people. The rest will fall into place.

But as I said, this is an inside job, it's all you, got to believe in yourself first, my friend.

m1k3

What I found out about myself was my need to be loved was really a lack of self esteem. I didn't really see myself as being loveable, as being worthy of being loved so I needed that constant reinforcement of being told I was loved.

I look at it this way. I had a big hole in myself that I tried to fill with my AW. Of course that didn't work in the long run and myself esteem suffered even more because of it. So, I started to fill the hole with me. I made it so that it was OK to take care of myself first, that it was Ok for me to have my own wants and needs and to fill those needs.

It felt really selfish at first but it also felt good. I developed a relationship with myself. I see the Wreck It Ralph quote in your sig so I will use a quote from Zombie.

Good, bad, aaugh. Labels not make you happy. You must love you. BTW, I love that film.

The funny thing is that after a while I noticed that the hole was gone.

Don't worry about relationships with other people for a while, focus on building a solid relationship with yourself.

Your friend,

Hammer

Depends on what you call "love."

If you just need a guy in bed, head down to the Drunken Cowboy Bar. Wait in line with the other lonely heart wimmens folks, get in line, and the next one to fall off his saddle stool . . . . if you rush over really quick and pick him up from the floor -- you take him home and he is All Yours. Love. Sort of funny, huh? That was how one Alanon speaker from West Texas describes the condition.

But in the Here and Now. Look at your title. "Again." What make you think you had it -- To Love and Be Loved -- to start with in all this?

A's are Users. We may "love" them . . . . but they "use" us.

But can you find someone to Love and Be Loved? Sure.

You are in T, now, right? Not such a bad place to be.

Fix You up Good. But T is just Mental Health.

Do the Steps and rest of that work. Spiritually Healthy is Good, too.

Hit the Gym, eat your veggies. Physically Healthy is Good.

Do Good, Be Good. Good finds Good.

Really helps in you finding someone Good.

SparkleKitty

I knew if I held out long enough before commenting that m1k3 would get in here and say it better than I could!

lillamy

No, I never did fear that. However much abuse I suffered, he never managed to break down that core in me that knew that "God don't make no junk" and that I was worth loving.

My problem was more whether I wanted to get into another relationship. Once burned, twice shy kind of thing?

It's funny because I just reconnected with an old friend who had done basically the same thing I did: Married a dark, dangerous stranger straight out of a romance novel, suffered through 20 years of alcoholism and abuse from him, divorced him, and married the boy she grew up next door to. Who, of course, at this time is "the middle-aged-man next door."

But that's what I did, too, sort of. A 30+ year friendship turned into love. But that required me to change my definition of what love was. Love, I learned, wasn't about constantly proving to the other person that I was worthy, that I loved him. Love is about... I know I quoted this yesterday too but it's so great -- Love is letting the other person be who they are.

And a good life, for me, is living with a person that I love because of who they are, not in spite of who they are. I'm remarried. My husband isn't perfect. But he's perfect for me. There's not a thing I want to change about him. If there was, I wouldn't have married him.

So that's sort of it for me. If I had not found a person I felt completely safe and at home with, I would have stayed single. And that would have been OK, too. I honestly think it's not until you are 100% fine with being single that you're fit for a new relationship.

Wavy

When I was thinking about leaving XABF I was scared I would never find love again. That no one would ever love me, that I'd never find anyone that I 'clicked' with like I did with XABF. I couldn't see anything past my situation and I couldn't believe those people that told me there were lots of kind, decent people out there that would appreciate me.

2 months out and I've already met so many people that have proved me wrong and while I can't say I've found love again (would probably be unhealthy if I had) I've met men who have been nicer to me in a few weeks than XABF was in 8 years. I feel stunned that there really is so much good in the world after living in such darkness. Its hard to believe when you are in the middle of it but I promise you out the other side is a better life

choublak

I had to learn to love myself before anything else could happen. If you love yourself, you will always be loved.

Florence

The big shift for me was learning how to give myself comfort, how to reassure myself, how to see myself as a good person. A step I'm working on, the one that always hangs me up, is how not to run away and hide when I feel like I'm being judged or have the potential for being judged.

My therapist made me do these exercises to learn how to comfort and reassure myself, and I felt like an idiot. Finally I reached a point in my life where nothing I was doing helped anymore. I gave up and did what she said. It worked.

That feeling of never being loved? That's the thing I really wrestle with. I know my family loves me in their own way. I know I have been loved by my significant others. I know my children love me as I love them. But there is still that nagging little voice that I'm alone, and it hurts. (Someone was talking about Christmas the other day and asked me what I will ask for for Christmas. The truth is that unless my kids make me something, I probably won't get anything. There flared up that sad little voice, "You're alone! Nobody loves you!" Holidays are a crap shoot. I will try to make it as special as possible for my kids and get my joy there.)

As far as finding love? No, I'm not worried. It's out there waiting to be uncovered. My almost-60yo divorced coworker with seven kids just got remarried last week. She spent years building herself up, maintaining her relationships with her children, becoming a businesswoman, getting involved in the community, having an active social life, and love fell in her lap.

So, no, I'm not worried.

What I worry about? My own judgement. I want to find a partner who can give me what I give to the relationship. I haven't found that yet in my life. So far I have chosen to be with men who aren't nice to me and don't value me. It's because of that little voice telling me how alone I am. I'm learning to shut it up and listen to other directives inside myself.

Wisconsin

YES! This! Florence, this is so very wise. You are blessed with a wonderful therapist!

jessicajoe

An AlAnon friend said something to me recently that I have been mulling over.
The enormous, overwhelming "once in a lifetime" feelings of love and affection and connection that I felt for my A didn't come from him, they came from me.
I gave them to him but he didn't "make" them. I did. They came from inside me.
So what I was in my 40s before I learned how to love like that. I still learned.
Whether the extent and intensity of the feelings is healthy or not is a whole other debate.
The fact is, having loved like that once I could again if the right person come along and if I decided it was the right thing to do.

amy55

I was in an abusive relationship, I didn't know how damaged I became. I could actually tell my ex how I felt, but I wasn't even listening to my own words. After I left, I remember something that I had told him. It was after a fight and he wanted to "make up", guess that's another way of saying have sex. I had nothing in me, nothing left to give. I told him that I just couldn't, couldn't do it anymore, couldn't even give him a hug, that I was just tired, tired of everything, I had no more love to give, that I kept giving and giving, forgiving, getting over things, that nothing ever changed, that I gave him my heart and soul, and when that was gone, I was still giving him more, and that I had lost myself. That he had sucked everything out of me already, that he sucked me dry, and that if he wanted anything from him, he needed to start giving back, because my well was dry. Of course he made a joke about that with a crude remark which I don't think I should post here.

I realized I was just accepting anything as love from him, even crumbs, and that wasn't filling up my tank, but I kept accepting them, hoping that one day, he would return the love.

So, I am now filling my tank back up, first I had to replace the love I have for me. That part I will always keep now, and never give it away again.

Anything that is above the level that I hold for myself, I think I can or will be able to give that, as long as they keep replenishing it.

So, I don't even know when I thought I was fighting for his love, if I was just fighting to get my own love back for myself.

Don't know if this makes sense to anyone, but this is how I feel, and the only way that I can explain it.

love4menotu

Wow. Wonderful responses in this thread thank you.

I'm working hard on loving Lyn again. But frankly, I'm very angry that I let myself be verbally and emotionally abused. At the end I was almost mute.. afraid to bring up anything with him for fear he would go off on me in front of the kids.

I'm still living with a lot of fear, especially of men. I'm also great at beating myself up for my poor relationship choices. If I had waited just another few months before marrying my x, I might have seen the rages to come. I wrote in my journal that x had gone off on me twice and that was basically once a month, because at the time, we'd been married two months.

Oh my. Looking back this all gets so much clearer. The patterns.... oh my.

I'm fighting a "frozen" feeling.. the feeling of still being married, of still loving my x, having dreams that he is dying, ugh. I could go on and on. Most of all it is worry, but yes, I am divorced it is time to let go my responsbility to John.

So yes, like you all, I'm fighting to get myself back. The girl who was there before the marriage, who gradually disappeared.

You all are wonderful.

thank you

Lyn