Sharonilla

Hi, I'm new to this board, and I joined because I'm feeling caught between a mother who simply can't stop enabling her son and a brother who drinks to the point where he's frightening..

Here's some background. Three months ago, my father passed away from cancer. My parents had been married for more than 50 years, and my mom was completely devastated. She asked me to move in with her because she didn't want to be alone, and the only other person in the house was my recovering alcoholic brother, and she didn't believe he would stay sober. He's gone off the bandwagon and gone through recovery many times before.

So, I did. I gave up my apartment, and moved in. And for a while, everything was fine. But, recently there have been signs that my brother was falling off the bandwagon. He has been reminiscing about the 'good old days' of drinking, missing his AA meetings, and behaving secretively. Then, over the past week, he has missed work and spent nearly every day holed up in his room. Over the weekend, my mom confronted him and he was plastered. She was furious. In his room he'd had numerous empty bottles of liquor and beer. They got into a into a screaming match which left her in tears. She was also so frightened that she asked me to spend the night in her room. In the morning she told him he would have to leave. But, by the time I got home from work this evening, she'd changed her mind. She now says that he is fine and she's going to let him stay. She seems to think this was a one-time thing and now it's over. I have no idea why, she and my father went through this time and time again. My brother has been rushed to the hospital at death's door, but he doesn't stop.

I don't want to leave my mom stuck in the middle of this. She's still in a daze over my Dad's death, and she is getting older and needing more and more help. But, I also don't know how to cope with this denial. And, I'm a little afraid of my brother. Does anyone have advice?

Seren

Hello Sharonilla, Welcome to SR!

Please accept my deepest sympathies over the loss of your Father! I'm so very sorry.

In my family, I have found that I am as powerless over my fellow codies/enablers as I am over the alcoholics in my life.

I hope that your mother will learn to not operate in a FOG (out of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt). But I suspect that some of this is part of hear reasoning for letting your brother stay.

Others will be along soon to share their ES&H (Experience, Strength, and Hope). Sending hugs and prayers for you and your whole family!

Recovering2

First of all, I"m sorry for the loss of your Dad. Our stories are very similar. Mu AB still lives with my parents. He is 50, and they are elderly. I spent many years trying to get them out of the situation, trying to protect them, etc. Nothing ever worked. My brother could get very nasty when drunk. He said and did a lot of thing that hurt them. I hired an interventionist to meet with my parents, but they backed down. We drew up a contract for my brother but they backed down when he broke it. I found they would get upset with ME when I tried to "help" them.
It took a lot of years, but I finally realized I wasn't going to change anything in their situation. They weren't willing to change. I learned that I had to take care of my own health, and allow them as adults to live how they chose to live. I told my parents that I would be healthier away from the turmoil, and would stop interfering.

I rarely go to my parents house. I make a point to have them to my house, away from the situation. I don't ask about it. When my Mom complains about it I do two things: 1) I don't offer an opinion, I only listen and 2) I remind her that she is welcome to go to AlAnon with me anytime. That usually ends it.

Nothing has changed in their house, but I am more peaceful. Think of the 3C's: you didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it. Living with your Mom will not make the situation better, it will only make you unhealthy. Your Mom can choose to allow your brother to drink in her house, but she doesn't get to choose how you live your life. The best thing you can do, IMO, is get your own place. You can love your Mom and brother without living in the midst of it.

honeypig

Welcome to SR, Sharonilla! You've gotten some good advice already, I think. I'd like to suggest that you look into Alanon also for some additional support. SR is a wonderful community, but there's something to be said for having real-world support too. Here's a link to help you find a meeting http://www.al-anon.org/

Sorry for all you're going thru, and wishing you strength and clarity as you find your way forward.

lizw

Sorry to hear about your dad and I'll just echo what others have said. There nothing you can do about it except look after yourself and your own well being. Sounds like your mum may have lived through this before and just hasn't noticed yet. Maybe the grief of loosing her husband is clouding her vision too. I know I spent years in situations which were basically the same thing, and every time I acted shocked and 'couldn't believe it' but after entering al anon I saw I'd been rather deluded about the repetition of events I was reacting too. I learnt how to stop this behaviour in al anon then funnily enough the situations changed, probably cause I changed.

All the best and I hope you get to an al anon meeting.

Sharonilla

I just wanted to thank all of you for your advice. I am looking for an Al-anon meeting in my area I can go to. I'm still hoping my mom will join me in going, so we'll see. But thank you for your kind words.

Recovering2

I can promise you, even if your Mom doesn't go, if YOU go she will see the results. My Mom still doesn't go, but she comments on how much calmer I seem. Again, I take the opportunity to invite her to join me anytime.