amhwhy

I have been married 25 years this month. My husband, I believe is an alcoholic. He drinks almost every night, anywhere from 12 - 15 beers each night. He has no problem drinking by himself in his garage.

Anyway, he asked me to go camping with him this weekend, in a new camper he picked out, because he didn't want "ours" anymore. I agreed but asked him to also agree to no drinking while we were camping. He hesitated and I told him to let me know.

He almost immediately sent a text saying "deal" and I thanked him. Friday night we left, had a great evening and saturday, our granddaughter came out to spend the day, which turned out to be a perfect day. Saturday night his brother and wife showed up and his brother had beer. My husband waited about 30 minutes and then told me I have been good last night and today, and went over and picked up a beer, opened it, looked at me and took a drink.

I was shocked. I walked over to him, told him he broke his promise and I was leaving. I gathered up my granddaughter and my stuff and left. I haven't spoke with him since. I also took off my wedding rings, because if I not worth more than a beer, what is the point.

He is due back home today and I am not quite sure how to handle this. Any suggestions?

Edited: He has been drinking like this for the last 2 years.

hopeful4

My suggestion is to look hard at what you want. Good for you that you stuck to your words, no drinking or no you. What do you want from this relationship? Are you in the position to be able to support yourself and tell him to go? Do you want that?

I would suggest finding an Alanon or Celebrate Recovery meeting and working on you. If he has been doing this for 2 years this is nothing new to you. You see how it's been and quite likely how it's going to be. You cannot control him or his decisions. You can control how you react and what you want and who you are going to be.

Hugs and God Bless to you. Keep posting, you are not alone and will get lots of wisdom (that is alot better than mine lol) and support!

amhwhy

I know I should leave him. I am learning how to not depend on him. It has been rough. I am slowly getting there. I still feel nervous for my decision to take off my rings and have him see that. Never in our 25 years have I ever done that, no matter what has happened, so to me this is a big step.

Thank you

hopeful4

There is no fast rule that says you have to make every single decision today. Give yourself permission to make baby steps. Just like you said, you took off your rings, that is a step. Sometimes it is one step forwards and three back. That's ok too. One of the things I have found in my recovery is the realization that there is no one clocking me. There is no person standing there saying I have to make decisions NOW. Only me doing that to myself. I saw an attorney recently. He said to me, "You are not there yet, you are not ready, and that's ok." Because you know what...that same attorney will be there months or even years from now. When I am ready. I have learned that I have to find it within myself to be able to live in the moment.

My AH is off work today. Normall that would spin me into orbit because I would worry all day that he will drink when I am gone. Will he? Maybe. If so, I will deal with it in that moment. Ruining my day with worry about it will not change a thing one way or another.

Hugs and Baby Steps!!!

amhwhy

Well he came home. Hasn't brought up the situation and neither have I. Not sure if he noticed I wasn't wearing my rings. He left to run some errands. I guess I shouldn't hold my breath for an apology.

hopeful4

Just remember, even though he may not have noticed you took off your rings, YOU KNOW you did. It is a step and it is YOUR step, not his. While you cannot control his actions, you can certainly control how you react!

amhwhy

Thank you. You are right, I do not owe him a reason for taking them off. I know why I did it and that is all that matters.

I have always given in to him and now I am trying to stand up for myself. I have a long way to go but I WILL get there. I am now realizing that my feelings are important to me and I have denied them way too long.

dandylion

amhwhy----As a first step, I would recommend that you read through all the "Stickies" at the top part of this main page. This amounts to a "crash" course on the disease of alcoholism (and their loved ones).

It is pure folly to ever ask an active alcoholic to "promise" not to drink. They cannot keep that promise--even if they think they can at the time. You are going to find that many of the "rules" that apply in other situations--go out the window when it comes to addictions and alcoholism. There is a lot to learn. Knowlege is power.

Keep reading.....and learning.......and get support for YOURSELF.

dandylion

hopeful4

Good for you! Yes, a successful marriage takes concern for your partner's feelings. When you put theirs first for so many years it takes a long time to realize YOU HAVE FEELINGS AND THEY ARE VALID! For the first time in 16 years I am putting my own feelings and needs and that of my children in front of my husbands needs and wants. And you know what, it feels good!

It is truly a step at a time. Can you attend Celebrate Recovery or Alanon? It is so great to get face to face support from people who understand what you are going through. Try a few times until you find people you click with. I attend Celebrate Recovery, I came upon it thinking I would send my husband there for them to fix him. HA!! What a realization. What I found is friendship and support there for myself!

Blessing to you. I hope you are able to have a great day and remember to give yourself credit for the steps you are taking...one at a time....

Upsetnneedhelp

If he was drinking 12-15 beers a night than he probably was drinking even the days he said he wasn't. The reason being is because that much alcohol would cause withdrawals and he would of been sweating, shaking like a leaf and very irritable.

amhwhy

dandylion, thank you and I am reading the stickies. My H, when he wants to, goes 2 or 3 days without drinking, that is why I thought this would be no problem, but I was wrong.

hopeful4, thank you and I am checking into the meetings, just not sure which ones I need to go to. They are labelled so many different ways. I do not see one for new comers.

amhwhy

Yes he does get very irritable, but I have not seen sweating or shaking yet. I'm sure he is hiding it from me.

hopeful4

I know at all Celebrate Recovery meetings and I believe at Alanon there is always a newcomers class so to speak. Keep searching!

dandylion

I agree with Upsetand need help---he is probably hiding it from you. alcoholics lie and hide their drinking--that is just what they do. It is not to hurt you--it is n ot even about you. They have to do that to quiet the screaming in their brain and body for alcohol--otherwise, they go into withdrawl.

It is not wise to confront them on the hiding of their drinking--or, aaccuse them of lying. this just serves to make matters worse--and, makes them more angry at you.

Just keep reading those stickies...LOL.

dandylion

Recovering2

If you find a Newcomer's meeting, great. But you can attend any AlAnon meeting, doesn't matter. It's suggested that you attend 6 different meetings before deciding which one, if any, is right for you. The support will be huge as you move forward.

I think you did a great job of respecting your own boundary. You told him you'd go if he didn't drink. When he drank, you left. Many would have stayed and just stewed about it. You don't have to announce your boundaries, they're for you. He will likely try to ignore what happened, so don't wait for an apology. As has already been said, you don't have to make all your decisions right now. First things first, educate yourself and seek support.

amhwhy

Thank you, will chose the next available one and force myself to go. I am normally a shy person and walking into a meeting like that, by myself, will also be a very big step for me.

hopeful4

We are behind you...you can do it!!! If they had not gently guided me into my first meeting I would have walked right back out the door. Three years later I am so glad I did not, the support and friendship I have found there and the amount they have helped my recovery is amazing!

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!

jessicajoe

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honeypig

jessicajoe, I like to buy used books for the very reason you mention--I know someone else has held them and felt what I feel.

amhwhy, so much good advice for you here; hope you can take it all in.

I'd like to second those who say that a Newcomer's meeting is not necessary just b/c you will be new to Alanon. In my experience, every meeting I have attended has opened w/the Alanon preamble and the question if anyone is there for the first time. If there IS a newcomer, usually a couple of people from the meeting will speak briefly about what they've gotten out of Alanon. Then the meeting goes on as usual. You are NOT required to speak if you don't wish to--you can just say "I pass" or "I prefer to listen for now." No one will question that.

After the meeting, people will likely come up to you and introduce themselves and you might be asked if you'd like their phone numbers (or you might be offered a list of phone numbers from the group). Again, do what you are comfortable with. People just want to make sure you know they are there for your support if you need to reach out.

There are many, many threads about Alanon, first meetings, etc., here in the F&F section, so if you have a chance, search them out to help confirm your determination to go to a meeting.

Glad you found SR and are starting your journey. Wishing you strength, clarity and wisdom as you gradually discover your path.

Leana

Dandylion made an excellent point- "promises not to drink" don't work with alcoholics. When the "promise" is made I think there is every intention to keep it but until they are the one initiating not drinking- it will always end in disappointment almost every time.