NoGround

My AS has for the past year been living homeless on the other side of the country. We (one or another family member) hear from him every few weeks by email, FB, or (rarely) phone.

Here is the pattern:

(1) His tone is for the most part newsy and upbeat. We respond in kind, thankful to know he's still alive.

(2) Every few months, he apparently hits a low point and lets his guard down just long enough to admit to one of us that his life actually sucks.

(3) The family takes the "my life sucks" admission as an opening to offer addiction treatment options.

(4) He immediately shuts down again and snarls that he loves his life just like it is.

(5) We don't hear from him at all for a month or more.

Then we start all over at (1).

My thinking is that next time we get the "my life sucks" communication, we will not read into it that he's ready to make better decisions, but simply respond empathetically--"Sounds like you're having a hard time right now . . ."

Thoughts?

Leana

I think that is a good tactic to take. Unfortunately, as a parent it is hard not to secretly get your hopes up that he is ready for treatment.

NoGround

Leana,

You nailed it.

Eve13

You can ask what exactly he isn't happy with, and let him talk about that part of his life.

lizwig

Oh my word. You have just written the EXACT order of events we deal with in regards to our son. He lives 4 states away and since i will no longer pay for his phone this is the same method of contact etc. I JUST had this same conversation with myself. He reaches out or posts something cryptic on Facebook indicating he's tired of living this way. We remind him of the standing offer of rehab and don't hear from him again, until the next time. I just tell myself "I guess I threw him a purple life preserver when he really wanted white"... I am going to adjust my response next time. It's true they have to want change. It's hard not to get your hopes up. I know...It's a VERY consistent cycle.

Upsetnneedhelp

Does he get some type of monthly government assistance? It could be he says his life sucks when he has no money. Living in a homeless shelter does suck and my son always said he preferred jail as opposed to the shelters.

NoGround

Eve13,

Now that you've suggested this, I think that if I'd asked this question in the previous "my life sucks" emails/conversations BEFORE jumping to treatment options, it would've been apparent by his answer that he wasn't ready to make any changes after all.

I think part of why I don't ask "interested questions" is that it's so upsetting to me to hear where he's sleeping (or not sleeping, when the police tell him to move on), how cold it is, etc.

Most of the time, I believe I'm accepting this ongoing sadness about my son as just part of life. And then something--like your very good suggestion--makes me realize that the pain goes deep and I will do almost anything not to touch it.

NoGround

Upset,

I have no idea what he's doing for money. He got a small monthly cash benefit for awhile--which made me furious, that the government was enabling my son--then he left that state. He's been traveling on foot and by bicycle now for a couple of months.

He won't stay in a homeless shelter. He's sleeping outside.

All his choices, I know.

Johnston

I am so sorry you're going through this. I have a drug addict brother who has put my family through similar crap over the years. My parents finally shut off contact with him after he pulled his latest doozy. It's amazing how he still tries to make contact once in a while even after he's been told he has to pay back money and account for some other things he's done. The only consolation is that he's 3k miles away., otherwise a restraining order would be in the works.

Good luck.

NoGround

Johnston,

Thank you. I remind myself that so many other families have gone through much worse--especially situations like with your brother, when the addict's relationship with the family seems irreparably broken.

sevenofnine

The Bum on the Rods and the Bum on the Plush

The bum on the rods is hunted down
As the enemy of mankind
The other is driven around to his club
Is feted, wined and dined.
And they who curse the bum on the rods
As the essence of all that is bad,
Will greet the other with a winning smile,
And extend the hand so glad.

The bum on the rods is a social flea
Who gets an occasional bite,
The bum on the plush is a social leech,
blood sucking day and night.
The bum on the rods is a load so light
That his weight we scarcely feel,
But it takes the labor of dozen of men
To furnish the other a meal.

As long as you sanction the bum on the plush
The other will always be there,
But rid yourself of the bum on the plush
And the other will disappear.
Then make an intelligent, organized kick
Get rid of the weights that crush.
Don't worry about the bum on the rods,
Get rid of the bum on the plush.

that is a poem from the famoue hobo Frypan Jack. Would you believe there is a long and amazing American hobo history? Its full of art, story, song and poetry. Some people prefer poverty and freedom to constraint and rent, and even some of the smartest and most successful people I know, some who have since returned to regular life and earned multiple university degrees on scholarship, have spent time hoboing, making zines and art, writing songs and poetry, hopping freight trains to travel the country for free adventure. Its not the homelessness you should worry about if he isn't: its stealing, drugs and breaking the law that really stink.

Don't get me wrong, its terrible how many people are unwillingly homeless and just can't get a break, and how many suffer without proper psychiatric care. I have deep compassion for that, and it must be hard to be the parent or family of these as well.

What I'm trying to say is that it might help drop the worry about homelessness, accept it if it is his will. You don't have to agree to allow him to disagree, and just be there to listen. Maybe in time he will stop drugs, but it won't be because of anything anyone else does, only his own choice, so remember to not own that responsibility, nor to keep him housed and fed once he is an adult.

But mainly I just want to send sympathy for how much this hurts you. I've got two kids, and even though I wouldn't mind them spending a year or two of youth riding the rails, I wouldn't want it as a permanent life choice, and I wouldn't hope addiction for them, so I can only imagine how it must pain you.

sending you hugs

NoGround

sevenofnine,

Part of my distress is that in my value system, it IS stealing when a person who is able to work does what my son is doing--eating meals provided by religious charities, applying for and getting government money, etc.

Re: drugs. He says he hasn't done what I call "big drugs" (meth, cocaine, heroin) in months--only weed. I do hear this as good news. If he could smoke weed every day and also be productive, responsible, and socially appropriate, I'd be fine with it. I have yet to see that, though.

Thanks for the hugs--and for the poem. I had no idea about Frypan Jack and hobo culture.

sevenofnine

Part of my distress is that in my value system, it IS stealing when a person who is able to work does what my son is doing--eating meals provided by religious charities, applying for and getting government money, etc.

yeah, I get that. and I do think it is sad for someone who is able to work to be lazy. a lot of hobo culture was actually about migrant workers, not layabouts... The sense of entitlement without putting in effort IS bothersome. and for that I have no solution, just share your aggravation. If I had a way to make others get off their bum and get a job, I'd still be with my XAH!

Upsetnneedhelp

A very common thing is getting a food stamp card and then the addict will sell it to a small mom and pop store for 50-60 cents on the dollar.

LoveMeNow

I often wonder if the phone calls or messages are just a way to take our temperature. A way to see if we have changed our minds and are willing to enable again.

lizwig

LMN, I believe this to be true. It's like a tap on the shoulder. "You still willing to help me? Oh Good, I'll carry on then....but you stay right there warming up in the bull-pen. I'll call you into the game when I REALLY need you". When I re-read my son's last message I noticed something I hadn't focused on the first time through. What I "heard" was "I'm tired of living like this but don't know how to initiate change"...I sprang to action (per usual) with offers of rehab etc. When I re-read the message what I "read" was "I'm trying to hustle money for new shoes and minutes for my phone. I can't call you until I have some. I am tired of living like this but don't know how to initiate change". Because I didn't offer to buy him new shoes or put funds on his phone...he was done with me. I call this a "bait and switch". Although I didn't buy the shoes or purchase the phone minutes....I still fell victim to grabbling on to the one bit of hope offered in the message....he is thinking about change. Funny how we see what we want, when we want to. I am still quite guilty of hearing what I want to hear...and ignoring the rest. The truth is...our family has a standing phone card. He has the numbers memorized on it...it can be used from any phone. I checked...still has the same 700 minutes on it that have been sitting unused. He also knows how to make collect calls and I know this to be true because I've received countless from jail. He wanted me to believe that if I purchased the minutes he would call me. Progress not perfection....

LoveMeNow

It was very hard for me to see the manipulation as well. I wanted to see or hear what I wanted. A good friend said to me "he is just changing his tactics, be careful." That was not what I wanted hear but what I really needed to acknowledge.

Seren

That's exactly the pattern we had with my stepson for some time. Then we learned that when he begins to complain about his life, we ask him what he thinks is the best way for him to handle it. Puts the ball and the control back in his court, so to speak.

Carlotta

Not all homeless people are lazy, sell their food stamps, engage in criminal activities, panhandle etc.
I work in a homeless shelter and a lot of my guys work day labor. Some also have a regular job but cannot afford housing.
Here is a good recent article which dispels some myths about homelessness
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/18/ny...a-home.html?hp.

anotherfool

I needed to read this today...the A-ex-whatever (I won't call her a GF, it was temporary) has been pinging my FB with harmless little questions...I'm not taking the bait. She's just probing, and probably only wants to maintain communication, if, at some future point I could be of use to her again. F that.

I'm probably not even plan "B", maybe C or D or somewhere further down the line.

The notion that I'm supposed to believe she cares about me is absurd.