Forgiveness?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 1,303
Forgiveness?
I have had a text message from my AH who I haven't heard from in more than 2 months asking for forgiveness. I have worked so hard on myself and my children in recovery from the emotional trauma of the last year. I am thrown into a state of emotional distress once again...I am knocked off my perch so easily and I am in floods of tears yet again. I want to forgive him. I know that I need to keep going on a steadfast journey ahead for my own and my childrens chances of lasting happiness away from him. Yet I love him so much Ugh!!! I would so much appreciate any messages of support to keep me going in the right direction? I cant go to alanon as the meetings here are in the evening and I have my children and no family nearby.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
I am so glad i did this as I am now well along the route of recovery and my is confidence coming back. Believe in yourself that you can do this too and I promise you will get through the tough times ahead. At the end of the day I told myself that I didn't want a relationship where my AH's first love was alcohol..Ugh! Good luck!
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Hi Martina,
Maybe you already saw EnglishGarden's recent reply to a shocked and grief-stricken new SR member whose AH walked unceremoniously walked out on her and their 9yr old? Anyway, here it is, in case you missed it. Just food for thought:
"It is a very common pattern. Alcoholic husband, bitter and grandiose and full of resentment toward the world, makes his wife the target of all his bitter discontent and grandly walks out on her, telling her that she is the real problem in his life, and that it's time he got away from her controlling ways, and that he's going to "take a break" and "go improve himself and his life" because "this marriage is just not worth it."
What he really does is he finds more space to drink, more friends to drink with, and more excuses to keep drinking.
And then, right on the money, he shows up again. On the phone. In the email. At the door. "Let's talk," he says. And what he really wants is to be mothered, and because he hurt his wife so much, and she feels so terrible about herself, and because she is so grateful he is giving her a "second chance", she lets him back in.
Within days he's drunk on the couch. She is filled with rage and depression. He starts collecting all those resentments again. And things blow up. Again.
This can go on with some couples for a lifetime.
He left you because you are in the way of his reaching for the next drink.
If you get some counseling or go to a support group, you will clear up about what is really going on and you will not feel that sword in your heart anymore.
It is alcoholism."
Maybe you already saw EnglishGarden's recent reply to a shocked and grief-stricken new SR member whose AH walked unceremoniously walked out on her and their 9yr old? Anyway, here it is, in case you missed it. Just food for thought:
"It is a very common pattern. Alcoholic husband, bitter and grandiose and full of resentment toward the world, makes his wife the target of all his bitter discontent and grandly walks out on her, telling her that she is the real problem in his life, and that it's time he got away from her controlling ways, and that he's going to "take a break" and "go improve himself and his life" because "this marriage is just not worth it."
What he really does is he finds more space to drink, more friends to drink with, and more excuses to keep drinking.
And then, right on the money, he shows up again. On the phone. In the email. At the door. "Let's talk," he says. And what he really wants is to be mothered, and because he hurt his wife so much, and she feels so terrible about herself, and because she is so grateful he is giving her a "second chance", she lets him back in.
Within days he's drunk on the couch. She is filled with rage and depression. He starts collecting all those resentments again. And things blow up. Again.
This can go on with some couples for a lifetime.
He left you because you are in the way of his reaching for the next drink.
If you get some counseling or go to a support group, you will clear up about what is really going on and you will not feel that sword in your heart anymore.
It is alcoholism."
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
martina---I would advise you to be very careful....don't get eaten by the "guild monster".
We co-dependents are very prone to having our judgment distorted by false guilt.
It is a very dangerous time--when the alcoholic makes contact to get back in our good graces. Mostly, this means that they want to go back to the status-quo to make life easier for THEM (at our expense). It also implies that the past should be swept under the rug. ESPECIALLY, if only 2 m o. has past. It is too soon for him to be in authentic recovery--and, too soon for you to have recovered. It tells me that he is not working a vigorous program of recovery for himself. Asking for forgiveness is not the same as making amends. It sounds very self-serving.
All I am saying is to follow your head--not your heart on this one....
dandylion
We co-dependents are very prone to having our judgment distorted by false guilt.
It is a very dangerous time--when the alcoholic makes contact to get back in our good graces. Mostly, this means that they want to go back to the status-quo to make life easier for THEM (at our expense). It also implies that the past should be swept under the rug. ESPECIALLY, if only 2 m o. has past. It is too soon for him to be in authentic recovery--and, too soon for you to have recovered. It tells me that he is not working a vigorous program of recovery for himself. Asking for forgiveness is not the same as making amends. It sounds very self-serving.
All I am saying is to follow your head--not your heart on this one....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Martina, you can do this. I have read many of your posts. You are strong. You have put up with a lot. Forgiveness? One can always forgive but not always forget. And really, after two months of no contact?
My husband who has very tenuous grips on sobriety and reality (apparently) came in last night, asking for forgiveness, and "I'll never do it again." Tonight I have had back to back phone calls from some drug dealer asking for AH. So, for me, forgive me? Really? You are doing well for two months. Hang in there!
My husband who has very tenuous grips on sobriety and reality (apparently) came in last night, asking for forgiveness, and "I'll never do it again." Tonight I have had back to back phone calls from some drug dealer asking for AH. So, for me, forgive me? Really? You are doing well for two months. Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
how about a new rule....relationships are not to be discussed or disseminated via TEXT for god's sake. emotional weight shall not be given to something that can be done with TWO thumbs. could there be anything more LAME than asking a partner for FORGIVENESS (did he mention for WHAT exactly or is this just a global reprieve?) not in person, not on the phone even, but on the keypad of a cellphone????
dry your tears my dear. you're worth a heluva lot more that.
dry your tears my dear. you're worth a heluva lot more that.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi Martina! What I figured out in the course of my recovery was that forgiveness was for me and not my AW.
I needed to forgive her and more importantly myself so that I could let go of the past and move on with my life. As long as I was hanging on to the resentments of the past I was still stuck there.
So, his asking for forgiveness is just more quacking. Treat it as such and take care of yourself.
Your friend,
I needed to forgive her and more importantly myself so that I could let go of the past and move on with my life. As long as I was hanging on to the resentments of the past I was still stuck there.
So, his asking for forgiveness is just more quacking. Treat it as such and take care of yourself.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You don't have to do a darn thing.
You don't even have to respond to his message.
And you don't have to decide right this minute how to react.
Take a deep breath.
Go for a walk.
Take a hot bath.
Enjoy your life.
You don't even have to respond to his message.
And you don't have to decide right this minute how to react.
Take a deep breath.
Go for a walk.
Take a hot bath.
Enjoy your life.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am just going to say this. Just because you forgive someone does not mean you have to forget or take them back. Should you forgive him? Yes. Why...FOR YOU. It is very hard to carry around all of that emoational resentment on your shoulders. When you forgive you can let it go.
That being said, it does not mean you have to run right back into the same situation. You said you have worked so hard on you. In recovery from codependency one of the things we have to expect is that they will try to drag us backwards ALL THE TIME..and when you least expect it. Listen to your head, not your heart. Just because you love someone does not mean you should be with them or that they are good for you.
You are making huge progress...you don't want to move backwards. Do what is right for YOU and your children.
God Bless!
That being said, it does not mean you have to run right back into the same situation. You said you have worked so hard on you. In recovery from codependency one of the things we have to expect is that they will try to drag us backwards ALL THE TIME..and when you least expect it. Listen to your head, not your heart. Just because you love someone does not mean you should be with them or that they are good for you.
You are making huge progress...you don't want to move backwards. Do what is right for YOU and your children.
God Bless!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 1,303
I am so glad I posted last night....I have read all your posts and want to say a massive thank you to you all. JessicaJoe thank you for reminding me of my advice to you when I was stronger! Spiderqueen I hadn't seen Englishgardens reply but what a great reply and so appropriate for me. Dandylion and in fact all of you are so right and I am worth more than resuming contact with AH again. I haven't replied to his text but hey guess what he texted again today asking if I was ok and he was having to move out of his flat. Again Im not replying!!! This lady and her kids are forging forwards onwards and upwards. Thank you all for supporting me just when I needed it...
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
