ACH32

Well, I drank last night after 97 days sober. I felt it coming starting Thursday and for some weird reason knew I needed to drink and was going to and nobody would stop me. It is crazy how powerful and relentless this thing is... However, I woke up this morning feeling sick and hungover. When I took my first drink last night it felt like I put poison in my body. I woke up today feeling like I was poisoned. Somehow, I feel better today and needed to get this out of the way to get better. Is that weird? I knew I needed to drink for my recovery? Anyway, I love my life sober and how I feel. I think I was taking it for granted. I have a new resolve and now looking at meetings to go to today (I've been reluctant to go and haven't been to one yet). I was working a plan but obviously it didn't work so I have to adjust. I think I need to help others and that will help me stay sober. I'm rambling but wanted to share my story.

Skye2

Well done for being honest and posting. It sounds like you've learned from it.
Be kind to yourself today

ScottFromWI

Glad you are seeking additional help (meetings) and resolved to get back on the track to sobriety. No one "needs" to drink to get better, that's purely your addiction making an excuse to drink. It's a clever one, that beast, but it will very unhappy to know you plan in increasing your efforts.

doggonecarl

Careful. When you start calling drinking part of your recovery, it becomes part of your ongoing struggle to stay quit.

Drinking is part of your addiction, not your recovery.

ACH32

Very good point doggonecarl......

IOAA2

In looking back over quite a few years, NOT drinking is the key to sobriety. We can tell ourselves a lot of BS and lie to ourselves till the cows come home and that's still the bottom line. Total Abstinence. And lets not forget another fact, these relapses don't get better and many don't/can't come back.

BE WELL

chaili05

Thank you for being honest and sharing with everyone! I have definitely felt that way before... where I basically succumbed to the craving and just knew I was going to drink. Crazy feeling. Only those who have experienced it can understand! I'm glad you are feeling stronger and ready to try again!

hayley86

I don't personally understand that you needed to drink as part of your recovery. Drinking for me would hinder my recovery. It's good that you are posting here today with a new resolve and the meetings sound like a good idea. Best wishes.

Toffee1

You must feel gutted today. I also recognise those thoughts you describe. You feel like you are on a runaway train with no way of stopping. There is going to be a collision That is the only way this is going to stop. Sometimes it just feels inevitable. I hope you can learn something from this minor setback and you can move forward even stronger for it. I hope I can also learn from your shared experience because I know sooner or later I am going to face exactly the same situation. Thanks for sharing. All the best

Kimchi

What I learned in rehab: We can't control what thought floats into our mind, but we have approximately ten seconds to change the thought before our brain engages and we are in obsession mode. Once we are in obsession mode, only a power greater than us can keep us from drinking/using.
A man I know wears a rubber band around his wrist; when the thought of drinking or using floats in, he snaps the rubber band and now he's thinking of the pain and has "beat the beast" one more time.

EndGameNYC

Well said. It seems that lately many folks are commenting that relapse is a part of recovery, and that when we do relapse, we just pick up and move on as though nothing happened. This is a very dangerous game.

Instead of using the euphemism 'relapse', I prefer to describe it for what it is.

I wanted to drink, so I drank. Is there another explanation that makes sense to me? No. I gave into my cravings because I allowed my irrational, untreated alcoholic thinking to convince me that it will be okay to have one or two drinks, to take a sobriety holiday, to calm my nerves...Knowing that in the past, my drinking destroyed everything good in my life. Unsound thinking cannot help fix unsound thinking.

I don't mean this to be critical, but a relapse isn't a hall pass, or a "Get out of jail free" card. "Oh well...That wasn't so bad. I guess I can do this every now and again." When we move on from a relapse without reflecting on what got us there in the first place, and then don't take the appropriate actions to defend ourselves against future relapse events, then we are doomed to repeat our mistakes.

chaili05

I agree and also think that there is a fine line with a relapse... in the sense that from personal experience in the past I have felt like a failure after a relapse... thinking things like "oh well, I should just keep drinking, I'm never going to get sober" to where I beat myself up so much and feel so defeated I don't think I can do it. Those have turned into my 2-3 day binges. Anyways, all to say that relapses are difficult in a lot of ways. You don't want to take it as nothing happened and at the same time you can't just beat yourself up to thinking you're unworthy as I have done in the past.

Mags1

Hi ACH32, know where you're coming from, I've not slipped but time on my hands has given me thoughts of drink creeping in. I'm battling inwardly and been leaning on SR friends these last few days, also mad with myself that I can't be like other people and drink 'Sensibly?' as I do not know when to stop drinking until I flake out.

I love your positivity, keep it up.

ACH32

Thank you for the posts. I think my original post might have came across wrong. I didn't mean that literally drinking would help my recovery. This is my first set back as it is my first attempt at recovery. I feel all the emotions today. I'm going for a jog then AA meeting at 6:30 tonight. I don't take this lightly and for sure not picking up and moving on like nothing happened. I'm changing my recovery program and stepping it up because obviously it didn't work. Just wanted to share my story and be as honest as possible.

chaili05

Don't worry, you're making complete sense. I've done the same thing in the past and I think you're doing the right thing today with your attitude. What happened yesterday happened and you can't change it. You can only learn and grow from it It's good that you're not beating yourself up too much and are able to continue to work for sobriety today! Good job.

alphaomega

I feel you ACH. My take on this won't be well received. I'm ok with that.

Relapse, for me, was most definitely a part of my sobriety journey. I wish to hell it wasn't, and I'm damn glad I came out on the other side. This sh!t can kill you. Fast and hard. And by the grace of some force I still am not sure how to label, I'm free of cravings at the moment. And that is a blessing that I can't quite quantify. But.......

When I first started to realize that I needed help a few years ago, I went to AA. I was white knuckling so bad through that 85 days I could barely function. All I thought about, constantly was drinking. With a vengeance that was unprecedented.

The next time I tried to get sober, I would say the cravings were about half as bad. With knowledge, comes power. And I realized that I was starting to really like my sober days. Just not enough as my wasted ones. So I vascillated back and forth for a while.

Then came the realization that I no longer had hangovers but straight up withdrawals. Another "AH HA" moment for me. Prior to that, I thought I just liked to party and couldn't handle it quite a good as I did in my youth.

But like my passion for wearing MC hammer pants, that ship had sailed. Another enlightenment.

My last little jaunt into chemical oblivion almost killed me. Apparently I hadn't gotten the memo that alcohol actually MAKES YOU DEPRESSED AND ANXIOUS. And all of a sudden, it dawned on me, "Hey. Num nuts. The world ain't kicking your ass. You are !" And, all of a sudden, it was like a thousand suns descended on me and SHWA BAM, I finally, FINALLY, FINALLY FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS FLAKING HOLY, understood.

I guess we are slow learners. Or maybe I was in profound denial, or hadn't suffered enough, or wasn't ill, or sad, or anxious enough. Yet.

If you got 97 days under your belt, you know damn well how freaking awesome it is on the other side.

And you reminded yourself how it feels to be poisoned. At your own hand. And that you NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER have to feel this way again.

Welcome home.

FourSeasons

Hi Ach - You had a setback. However, you stopped yourself before the beast took you over leaving nothing but a trail of havoc and destruction in its path. You did not further indulge the beast. Good for you for having the strength to come back to your senses as quickly as you did.

Your slip after 97 consecutive sobriety days simply reinforces to me how relentless the beast can be and how vigilant I must remain.

Thanks for posting and keep fighting the good fight!

ACH32

Thank you Alphaomega that made me tear up and just what I needed to hear and thank you for understanding.

least

Like Carl, I believe that relapse is part of addiction, not recovery. Pick yourself up, learn from it, and start again.

Zebra1275

Had to do some more "research" huh?

And you've concluded (again) that alcohol and you are not a good match.

Becoming complacent is a problem for a lot of us. I've found that going to AA meetings helps me to remember that I shouldn't drink.