Help us prepare for an Intervention
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Are you going to try to do this on your own or have you hired an professional interventionist?
The best results are with an interventionist planning and preparing all participants with an endgame plan that everyone is in on board with. Even with a professional interventions are usually not very successful if the A is not ready to stop drinking.
To try to force behaviors is like teaching a pig to sing... it just irritates the pig and frustrates the teachers.
I "forced" my A into rehab over and over by my extreme controlling and strong personality. I even used fear of harm to him personally...unusual as the woman in the relationship but that is another story.
What I learned the hard way is rehabs are like jails... they are just geography and when I forced my XA a bed I was effectively taking it away from someone else. Only 1 out of 10 who want treatment get it and inexpensive beds are difficult to obtain. I also learned that rehabs are not created equal and some are just not that good at what they are trying to do... sadly, many of the ones that are not that expensive.
What I also learned is that everything my XA needed to know and the most success he ever had in his sober times of recovery (sometimes authentic) was periods when he had a wise Big Book sponsor and did the steps and 12 Step Meetings. (usually 12 step and Big Book rather than open).
But the most important battle is in the mind and heart of the A... are they ready to give it up forever? Because the rehabs, AA, therapy and all the rest are just tools.
If you do have an intervention and do draw lines in the sand and create boundaries you have to be careful that EVERYONE honors the pact if he walks. If it is NC... then no matter how dire each of you has to do the shunning and that sometimes breaks down after a failed intervention effort.
Its a tough call... that is why you have to have professionals and psychological evaluations to determine the BEST way to approach your A... not all respond the same.
But... good luck. And my A? After 4 years making myself crazy he went careening around for another 2 years all over the nation. Just got sober on his own without anyone making him (one of the worst alcoholics I ever met) proving that the worst of the worst of the worst can stop ... IF THEY WANT!!! And he is now doing well... and he did it on his own.
And if he drinks (likely) he will do it on his own. And that is just the way it is. We cant stop them and we can't make them drink. We are powerless... except to set boundaries.
The best results are with an interventionist planning and preparing all participants with an endgame plan that everyone is in on board with. Even with a professional interventions are usually not very successful if the A is not ready to stop drinking.
To try to force behaviors is like teaching a pig to sing... it just irritates the pig and frustrates the teachers.
I "forced" my A into rehab over and over by my extreme controlling and strong personality. I even used fear of harm to him personally...unusual as the woman in the relationship but that is another story.
What I learned the hard way is rehabs are like jails... they are just geography and when I forced my XA a bed I was effectively taking it away from someone else. Only 1 out of 10 who want treatment get it and inexpensive beds are difficult to obtain. I also learned that rehabs are not created equal and some are just not that good at what they are trying to do... sadly, many of the ones that are not that expensive.
What I also learned is that everything my XA needed to know and the most success he ever had in his sober times of recovery (sometimes authentic) was periods when he had a wise Big Book sponsor and did the steps and 12 Step Meetings. (usually 12 step and Big Book rather than open).
But the most important battle is in the mind and heart of the A... are they ready to give it up forever? Because the rehabs, AA, therapy and all the rest are just tools.
If you do have an intervention and do draw lines in the sand and create boundaries you have to be careful that EVERYONE honors the pact if he walks. If it is NC... then no matter how dire each of you has to do the shunning and that sometimes breaks down after a failed intervention effort.
Its a tough call... that is why you have to have professionals and psychological evaluations to determine the BEST way to approach your A... not all respond the same.
But... good luck. And my A? After 4 years making myself crazy he went careening around for another 2 years all over the nation. Just got sober on his own without anyone making him (one of the worst alcoholics I ever met) proving that the worst of the worst of the worst can stop ... IF THEY WANT!!! And he is now doing well... and he did it on his own.
And if he drinks (likely) he will do it on his own. And that is just the way it is. We cant stop them and we can't make them drink. We are powerless... except to set boundaries.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
My only experience with an intervention was along the sidelines. My stepsons Father (my now husband) and sister met his two half-brothers as they came into town and talked. Then they basically confronted him as a unit about his drinking and how it affected their lives. He agreed to go to the emergency room that evening. The future Mr. S. kept me informed by phone about progress once at the hospital.
It seems to me that what this intervention helped with the most was getting all of the family members on the same page. One of the active alcoholic's best manipulative tactics is to divide and conquer the family.
I can tell you that my stepson relapsed many times after this episode, so I guess I would caution you about believing this will be the cure.
It seems to me that what this intervention helped with the most was getting all of the family members on the same page. One of the active alcoholic's best manipulative tactics is to divide and conquer the family.
I can tell you that my stepson relapsed many times after this episode, so I guess I would caution you about believing this will be the cure.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 12
The very sad reality is that this intervention is happening to save two children from the reckless behaviors of an addict who has become careless and dangerous. The 15 year old child has finally had enough and left her two brothers 8 and 5(different Dads) with my out of control Sister. The 15 year old has found meth drug paraphernalia around the house numerous times and has given up on her Mom for now but, is desperate to get her little brothers out. Friends and Family would like to offer the intervention as a last resort before we go to the authorities with our 15 year old's statement and the photos she took. We are desperate. The situation is dangerous and no match for 8 and 5 year old children.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 12
The 15 year old's Father is okay with her desire to help her Brothers. But understandably, he wants her to handover what she has to authorities, give a statement and remove her from the ugly scene that will transpire. He wants to protect her and I am thankful that he is being supportive as much has he is.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, I'm not saying you don't have valid reasons to want to hold an intervention. I'm just saying that it is not a miracle cure.
In my experience, the most important thing is that all of the family members be completely in step, and of one mind when it happens. When approached, she may react violently, harshly. She may run away leaving all of you standing there. She may get a sense of what's up as soon as she enters a room with everyone gathered in it.
When my stepson was intervened upon, their only goal was to get him to listen to them long enough so that they could share with him how his drinking affected their lives. The fact that he agreed to go to the emergency room was a surprising, but welcomed, response on his part.
In my experience, the most important thing is that all of the family members be completely in step, and of one mind when it happens. When approached, she may react violently, harshly. She may run away leaving all of you standing there. She may get a sense of what's up as soon as she enters a room with everyone gathered in it.
When my stepson was intervened upon, their only goal was to get him to listen to them long enough so that they could share with him how his drinking affected their lives. The fact that he agreed to go to the emergency room was a surprising, but welcomed, response on his part.
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