Yurt

Ugh,
We had a pretty good day; we went as a family to visit two museums in town, however, when we returned, 17DD and AH got into an argument and AH went off the deep end. Revoked driving privileges, rescinded DD's evening out and generally overreacted (again). He did this even before cracking open the first beer. Usually, he starts drinking at about 1pm, but today, because were out, he did not get a chance until the argument escalated. The last time he came this unglued, had a similar circumstance; the drinking had been delayed (by just a few hours), but the anger was explosive. Do A's usually react this way if their alcohol is withheld (we are literally talking about only a 2-3 hour delay)?

And what did I do? I froze. I was not sure whether to back AH up unconditionally (I really felt like he was not making an effort to hear DD's side of the discussion), or if I was enabling his anger. When I finally did try to talk to him, he blew up at me as well and told us to "get the h3ll out". (DD and I had planned on going to the school play; but that is what he pulled from her) When I tried to explain how I saw things, he just told us to leave since I was always going to take her side. We did not (we probably should have), and now I expect the rest of the weekend to be a disaster as well.

Taking DD to craft show tomorrow to get us both out of the house (previously planned), but I still feel crappy about the whole thing. I don't think I could have prevented the whole frakus, but I think I could have minimized it. Just so tired of these events.
I don't expect much; just needed a place to vent.
Thanks,
Yurt

HopefulinFLA

Ugh! No fun.

It's kind of hard to back up the other parent when he's over reacting and being unreasonable. Not sure that there was much you could have done without making things worse.

foolsgold66

I'm not sure you had any opportunity to 'handle' things.

Ideally as parents there needs to be a cooling off period after the infraction and discussion and mutual decision on whether there is an issue\punishment, etc. That isn't always possible without an alcoholic in the picture, but that is the ideal, IMO.

I can tell you from experience that to an extent your husband is likely 'detoxing' every day and probably feels bad physically and mentally. As an alcoholic I was often very angry at myself for being one and took it out on others, and my fuse was very short.

dandylion

Ugh--he wanted to drink---and your daughter paid the price---along with you, of course.
This is how it happens when anyone or anything gets in the way of the alcoholic's drink--even for a little while!!
At the point that the compulsion to drink is so strong--because the body and brain are screaming for the relief (temporary) that the alcohol will bring--they can't even think about anything else. This is to be expected with an alcoholic that is advancing in their disease.

Ugh......it is so abusive to those who are close to the alcoholic. I know what this feels like.
I can only imagine what is going on in your daughter's mind right now.

No wonder you say that you are getting tired of it!

dandylion

stella27

Yurt, it's okay. I remember how poorly I handled so many things. Don't forget that you are a victim of his unreasonableness and anger too and the freezing is part of your survival mechanism.

Think about something in the future:
You are trying to play by the rules of good marriage and healthy families. You don't have that.

I would suggest that you don't have to back up the AH when his tantrums and recriminations change plans and he starts revoking privileges he didn't extend: like the school play.

And requiring her and you to stay home while he was in an alcoholic rage (or even the dry rage - been there!) is not healthy or safe for your daughter or you.

The hostage situation he's setting up is a little ominous, if you ask me.

Luckily tomorrow's another day. I hope you can find something to enjoy in it.

((hugs))

Ruby2

I am sorry Yurt. I see this happen all the time. I usually sit there, mouth wide open. I could catch flies. You never know when it is going to pop up and then it happens. Usually when AH wants to drink or drug.

Hugs.

Yurt

Well, today, I took DD to the craft fair as well as a couple of other mundane errands. (can't drive herself as AH revoked her driving privileges last night) She got to see several friends, and made a few purchases. It was a beautiful day, warm enough for t-shirts and capris.

There were a few pluses to this mess; she and I finally talked about the fact that her dad is getting a bit worse, and that there is the possibility that we may not stay in the situation. This was the first time that she did not seem petrified by the idea.

Still pretty chilly here at home this evening, but AH needs me to help with some computer issues; so, at least he is somewhat civil. It may change though, after he is satisfied that I remedied the situation. Either way, I am fine with it. I have lesson plans to write and bookkeeping to take care of.

stella27

Yurt,

I hope that one day you and your daughter have the blessing of a peaceful home.

Discussing whether he is a bit worse or a bit better today or tonight is a big fat waste of everybody's precious life.

Yurt

Stella,

Oh boy, I agree that discussing the fact that he is a bit worse is pointless, however I wanted her to see that he is not improving. And that he won't without help. She talked about staging an intervention at one time, but I don't think it would be effective in this case. He sees NO problems with his drinking. We, on the other hand, argue to much with him, never agree with him, don't sort or wash the laundry correctly, drive correctly, parent well, wash dishes correctly... and so on. I just wanted her to see that there may not be a pot of gold under this rainbow. With each day or week, it seems to be worse.

And because she received the brunt of it this weekend, I think that she is starting to get it.

BTW, Peaceful sounds wonderful. Thanks for the good wishes.

Wisconsin

I do think there is some value in having a general conversation with a mature teenager about the fact that dad (stepdad in my case) is trending on a downward spiral, and that the disease in general is progressive. I believe these conversations are important every once in awhile so that your child knows you are aware, and that you are not just going to sit around and let the situation deteriorate and drag you and the kid(s) down with the A. It's a fine line to walk between oversharing and talking about it too much, versus having an open line of communication about it. Part of my denial for a long time was how my daughters felt about my AH. For years I figured there was no real problem for them because they didn't see 99% of his bad behavior, and he directed his bad behavior at me (not them). The first time I spoke honestly and openly with my older daughter, it was obvious that she was deeply upset and scarred by things that have happened, and talking about it with me made her feel so much better.

stella27

My children are young. They were 8 and 7 and 2 when their home was finally broken-up by alcohol. They are now 12, 10 and 6, so I haven't had the experience with the teen-aged child.

I'm sure it's an entirely different ball game. Having said that, I am very happy that the functional home belongs to me and the dysfunctional home belongs to him. I think that they will have an easier time telling us apart that way. When I lived with him, I was crazy too.

Wisconsin

Stella, that is the God's honest truth. Sometimes I cannot BELIEVE how crazy I became. And you are so right...my AH and I share a 3-year old son, and I would not have the conversations with him that I have with my teenage daughter. Heck...I don't have those conversations with my younger daughter, who is 10. I think the fact that my daughters are my AH's stepchildren makes a huge difference, too. Fortunately, recovery has made it possible for us all to evaluate our own children and what they can handle, and what they need from us.

Big giant hugs to everyone who is not only dealing with their qualifiers, but also attempting to preserve the emotional health of children in the process.

hopeful4

Yurt, my heart goes out to you. I am so glad you got the opportunity to talk to her and that you guys ended up having a nice day together.

((Hugs))

Yurt

Wow; this morning, AH tells me that DD and I are never to make him that angry again. Tried to tell him that "making him angry is never a goal", and that he is responsible for modulating his response to events/circumstances....Wouldn't hear it. But we are good little Codies. We have learned that now we have to walk on eggshells so that AH does not get angry. Doesn't matter that ANYTHING can set him off. (sarcasm; can you tell?)

Wisconsin

Oh Yurt...I had a similar "conversation" with my AH last spring, when he was stone cold sober and blabbering on and on and on about how he flies off the handle because of this whole laundry list of things that I do.

I mostly just smiled and nodded and detached, then finally said, in as level a voice as possible, "it is your responsibility to manage your anger and your temper." And I walked away. And I've never repeated that sentence again.

Yurt

Yes, I'm sure that his life would be perfect If we weren't here to get in the way and disrupt his routine.
This could happen.
For the first ten years that we were married, he went on and on about how much laundry there was now that he had a wife and child (well, duh). He would constantly talk about how he only had two loads to do prior to our marriage. I finally told him that we could easily arrange going back to two loads a week (implying that DD and I could leave) if that was so important to him. I haven't heard that quack since. When the subject of his responsibility for his own anger comes up again (and it will), I will offer the same suggestion.

hopeful4

My classic response..."I don't cause your feelings. You choose your behavior, I choose mine. I can only control how I react to you, not what you do or don't do, your behavior is up to you."

I have stopped the walking on eggshells. I think that is an even bigger problem than the drinking itself. I refuse to go home to a house I cannot relax in and I sure don't want my kids to have to tiptoe around my AH or me for that matter. I think detatchment has scared my AH a bit. I try not to engage. If he makes some smart remark he ends up looking like the stupid one because I don't react. This is a big change in me. I think he sees...I don't NEED him. I do have choices in life just like he does. I am not going to let him ruin me emoationally and make me feel crazy.

I will say Yurt, I think how your AH is acting is abuse. Emoational abuse. You don't have to stand for that for yourself nor for your DD.

(hugs)

Yurt

I think that one thing that AH is annoyed about is the fact that I did not jump in and respond when DD was arguing with him. I usually get her to stop before he reaches the tipping point. This morning, he told me that I could have prevented this from happening (I don't think I could have, this time) and that's why his was bad temper was my fault as well. Perhaps this event was not so bad, as it was an eye opener for both DD and myself. I have told her that the best strategy is to "not engage him" when he is drinking/angry, but she is 17, and finding her voice. She has stated that it is just not fair that she cannot have friends over, express her opinions, or participate in other activities that "normal" kids do. I agreed; It is NOT fair, but this is not a normal household. I think she did see that she needs to consider other strategies.

hopeful4

I was telling my friend recently that my AH and my DD(age 14) seem to be bumping heads more than normal. My friend is divorced and has to truly detatch because her X husband drives her nuts w/his bad behavior and how it affects their two daughters. She said, "O yes, because she is growing up and he has realized she has a brain and opinions of her own." And you know what, that is right. She is becoming more independent just like she should be. We need to support her in that and teach her to make the right decisions in her own life.

I let my AH know that I have put up with alot of BS over time and that I am an adult and I can handle that and I have CHOSEN to put up with it. One thing I will not let happen is that he WILL NOT emoationally abuse any of us. The last time he tried I calmly got out my phone and started to video his little rant. Believe me, he shut the he@@ up really quick. I was really doing it for evidence. I told him later I did it to play it back so he could see his own bad behavior. I repeated to him calmly at a time we were not fighting what my friend said and told him why it concerns me. I told him that while I can CHOOSE my situation, our children CANNOT choose to walk away from him in life like I can but that they are my responsibility and that I will put their well being in front of mine or his and that if he is going to act that way he can get out. I will not tolerate it.

I guess my point here is should your daughter have to give up having a normal life because he cannot handle it? His life is not normal, he chooses that. It does not have to be the same choice for you and your daughter. What other strategies should she choose? What is her alternative? Just a thought. I am certainly not telling you what to do just throwing out these thoughts.

stella27

Yurt, is he your daughter's father? The laundry comment makes me think that she is your daughter and his step-daughter. Is that correct?