LightInside

I made the mistake of going to the nursery where we went last year for Baby's first Santa pictures. I was fine for awhile, but then I saw some plant labels. My XA is a botanist/gardener. He used to teach me a lot about plants. There's so much we could have done and been. I have so much fun with my son now that the angry presence is gone from our home. I don't miss the cruel person X became. I miss my best friend so much. I feel like someone who cannot be replaced is gone from my life forever. My son and I danced in the kitchen this morning. We went to see reindeer and a camel today. He says new words every day. I want to share this joy so badly with someone who no longer exists in my world. If we were together it would have been stress and criticism. Me trying to stay happy while he sulked or made judgmental comments. Him being mad at me for little mistakes or my "annoying" habits. I am free of that torture, but I miss that person who loved me so much once upon a time.. That person who I felt safe with. That person I thought would always be there for me. Does a mom who loved her child's father truly ever stop wanting that person back? I feel like I will never fully accept this or stop wanting my old love back. I feel like I will always mourn. I am scared that my joyful moments with my son will always have this shadow over them. Any hope?

Mango blast

Of course you'll mourn what might have been. One day at a time. You and your son have every right to be happen without him. It's okay when you have times where you can't stop crying. Yes, there is hope and there are much better times ahead for you. ((((hugs))))

Seren

Oh, I'm so sorry you are feeling so sad tonight! I wish I had some experience to share, I just know that with my ex-husband, the grief over our divorce would hit me sometimes out of the blue for about a year after we separated.

Sending hugs!

LightInside

Thank you. Weak smile. Still only 3 1/2 months post breakup. I just keep plugging along. Need to make new holiday traditions.

YoungAndDone

I understand exactly what you mean when you say you don't miss your ex that you miss who he was. I remember when I was starting to contemplate leaving, what made me stay was the memories of the man I fell in love with, and I would stay just one more day. Finally, who he had become overrode any and all memories of the man he was and I left. I will never stop loving or stop mourning the loss of the man I loved, but you just have to keep in mind that you took your son and yourself out of a bad situation and you're probably so much happier. Try to focus on the good and the future.

MissFixit

hi

When my ex and ex broke up I cried for an entire year. Bad bad panic attack type fits that I couldn't control. I took anti-anxiety meds that first year to keep them under control and also took anti-depressants to help with the deep depression. The fog lifted sometime during the second year. Each month since has been easier. It has been 5 years now for me and I don't really mourn (the dream) of him anymore. I see who he is and who he has become. He is not the same person that he was a decade ago when I fell in love with him. He has become a bad version of himself. All the negative traits rolled together and amplified. The things I used to look past are what he mainly consists of now, not the good things the bad. The good things like the times you are probably reminiscing over at least for my ex are no longer who he is. Maybe they are in there somewhere, but it is buried deep below evil, selfish, hate, bigotry, anger and deceit. The man he is today, I would never have chosen to get involved with and am glad he is no longer a part of my life.

I don't know what you hope for, but my hope for you is that you see who he is today. Not who he was or who he might be tomorrow.

I feel like my grandmother saying (writing) this...there are other fish in the sea. Not the exact same fish, but some might even be better for you than the one you had. You are no longer the person you were when your ex was wooing you and teaching you things. You have changed too. Not necessarily for the worse, but you are not as innocent as you were, neither am I. BUT, the good news is that you have a new experience under your belt and on some level have a deeper knowledge and understanding of people as a result. When you are with you new Mr. Wonderful, you might even find this greater depth brings you closer together on a new (different) level than you were before.

One thing I try to do when I am unhappy about where I am is to try and consider that maybe I am where I need to be. Maybe I need time to reflect or time to rest and recharge.

I hope you feel better.

LightInside

My X left me, so there's the rejected-by-an-abuser thing that makes me feel worse. I'm reading a book though: The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. I hope it helps me. I will still try to focus on the good and the future.

positivechang

Big hugs to you today! I am sorry today has been difficult, and filled with lots of emotion. I think crying is healthy. I also think many of us have those moments when we think back to "those" times. This is still a bit raw. Your son is blessed to have such a strong mother. I loved hearing you out doing things with him and building memories. Tomorrow will be better. We are here!

LightInside

"If you are in your dark night, you are on the right path." Caroline Myss

BookNerd

I'm sorry you're feeling so down right now, LightInside. Sometimes life is just hard. We are all here for you. ((hugs)) And, I agree that sometimes it's healthy to have a good cry.

I hope you're feeling better soon. And keep up the good work of focusing on the positive!

LightInside

Thank you all!

Flicka57

It is a hard road but I raised my son alone from the age of 2 to 18 and being a single parent was great! I got all his special moments to myself--his father did not want any part of him. Boy he did not know what he missed. So whenever those down feelings hit me about being rejected--I smiled knowing that I was getting the most precious gift of raising that beautiful child & he did not get to see it. My son & I became very close and I will always have those memories that overshadow what his father did to me--soon the time spent with your son & those memories will make you smile too--give it time!

LightInside

Thank you, Flicka. His dad (fortunately) does want time with him, but I do rejoice that I get the majority of time with our son. Today I am so grateful because he is with his dad and I have the house to myself and I just threw a giant tantrum and nobody but my HP had to witness it (maybe the neighbors heard. Oh well).

Mightyqueen801

I hope you heal and come out stronger than ever.

It's years later, my daughter is grown, and I still carry some residual sadness over what might have been.

I did develop holiday traditions with her, and they are good memories. You will, too. They will just be different from something you used to envision. But they WILL be good.

I love your screen name and the candle flame. Keep shining.