Eve13

I'm posting as a way of organizing my thoughts and looking for support.

AS has been home for a week now after inpt psych and rehab. He's been going to AA daily, has made an appointment with his outpatient therapist, his lawyer, his probation officer. Looking for a seasonal job.

What a manipulation. He did some hard work type chores for his grandmother. She told him instead of paying him she would hold onto that money for his lawyer. He insisted he had a date. He did not. Went and got take out food (okaaayyy, not illegal). But tonight, says he is going to his "friends" house, the "friend" that has always sold him his pot. And he has cash.

We advised that this is not a wise choice as he is only 24 days clean. He asks how my enabling and codependence is coming along. I reminded him of our boundaries that he cannot be home and test positive.

But I have to remember, I cannot control him. We've advised him this is unwise but will now shut our mouth.

help?

Tinks65

Eve13 you sound like you are doing fine. You have boundaries in place, it is not wrong to give advice. It is up to him to take it or not.

You are right, you cannot control him, only yourself and you seem to be on track. Hang in there and take each day as it comes.

Ann

Stick to your boundaries and your drug tests, that part is protecting yourself.

And I'm going to add something here that may or may not be very "recovery like". But darn it, if his bad choices and way of living are making you uncomfortable, it may be time for him to find his own place anyway, whether he is using or not. It may be time for him to get a job, however menial, and start taking care of himself. Your home is your safe place of peace and you get to decide who lives there and who doesn't.

Having a front row seat to their addiction and/or recovery is the worst seat in the house. You can love your son just as much when he lives anyplace else.

Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.

Eve13

Yes Ann, THIS is why I did not want him coming home after inpt rehab, but that's another story. Will see how this week, his appointments, his drug test come out. More will be unveiled over time.

lizwig

Eve, your post reminded me of how my son used to twist things and throw them back at me. If I asked him how meetings were going he'd respond with something like "you really need to get a life Mom". Mind you, I had a life at the time it was just overrun with the fear and anxiety of parenting an addict. Now that I have set down my end of the rope he likes to tell people I've abandoned him...nope...just busy living that life you wanted me to get! We can't win...I swear.

Eve13

i have a real challenge putting down that rope, i am ashamed to say. i am trying...

lizwig

The thing with letting go of your end is you can encourage them from the top of the hole but recognize you can't do the climbing out for them. If they are happy down there and aren't even looking around for a foot hold or anything then our efforts are futile. When we see them pondering the climb we can pick our end back up and assist. Kindeyes painted a good picture for me when she said "it does us no good to climb down with them... then we are both stuck". I also came to believe like a tug-a-war I was applying so much force my son was still able to stand...Sending him gift cards he could trade for dope. Paying his phone bill so he could call his dealers. Sending him grocery gift cards he could trade for cents on the dollar. None of that was helping him...He just kept right on digging. Trust me...I've got my leather gloves ready to start tugging once I see some effort on his part. Until then I'll continue to work on what I can influence positively...myself and my reactions. It's hard. Hardest thing I've ever done. I think we can all attest to that.

Eve13

Thank you so much for that lizwig. It is myself and my reactions I have to work on. Some days and some minutes of some days I think I'm doing ok, but then others not so much. And you're right, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. Sitting back. Letting the chips fall where they may. Knowing there IS a better life for AS, but it is his life, his choices. And him creating the life he wants.

HopefulmomtoD

UGH ... I bristled for you when you said he asked about how your enabling and co-dependence was coming. I could just hear my son saying something similar when he was in the beginning stages of recovery- or playing around with recovery. Your DS hasn't gotten it yet ... but give him time. And, stick to your boundaries.

Does he have a sponsor? When my DS came home after rehab and the sober living home didn't work out that was one of our rules. Sponsor and meetings every day. But, I think my son might have been closer to his bottom and your DS. He was very grateful to be home and was willing to do just about anything to stay there.

Eve13

Hopeful, he is going to different AA meetings daily, and is looking for a sponsor. Yes, I think he is happy to be home and knows our boundaries. He has, for the most part, been cooperative. But no, in the bigger picture, he doesn't get it yet. But one day at a time, yes?