Upsetnneedhelp

I struggle daily with the love I have for my son. My son is locked up for a life time. I have no other outlet. I attend a Families Anonymous meeting once a week but it's not enough. My son is a violent convicted felony yet I get very little sympathy. I understand he is a criminal. I will still send him money for his snacks. I know that many people who give up on their addicted loved ones die. And I thank god my son is not one of those.

Yancy

I never did and never would give up on my son. When he was at his worst he needed me the most. I understand completely. I can't commit to loving someone only when times are good. There are going to be bad times. I admit there were many times when I didn't like him, or anyone in my addict family, but I never stopped loving them. I couldn't.

Upsetnneedhelp

Thank you yancy. I sometimes feel silly posting things but you make me realize that I am not alone.

Yancy

You are not alone. Every inmate has a parent. Every parent loves their child. They will always be their child. It is said that when a loved one goes to prison, the whole family goes to prison. I've bailed both of my adult children out of jail on several occasions. I've seen my son led away in handcuffs more times than I can remember. I even had him arrested once myself. He had hate in is eyes. I had tears. But behind the tears was hope. That has worked for me.

I shared my problems with another parent one day, all my concerns about my son going to prison. She looked at me and said "I'd give anything to trade places with you. My 17 year old daughter was killed in a car wreck five years ago." That was a BIG reality check for me. I still had hope. It has served me well.

Upsetnneedhelp

yancy, but you must realize then that prison is not a easy road either. It is where the small time criminals meet the real deal. There is no games or apologies. They are locked up in a tiny cell or in a dormitory. My son became a convict in the system. I blame him but also, the State, for his solitary confinement. My anger is very obvious and real.

Yancy

You are right to be angry. Prisons are terrible places. No argument here. I have a friend who's son went to prison for a violent crime. He was voluntarily put in solitary confinement. It was the safest place for him. Maybe it is for your son, too. I don't know, but I suspect it is.

For me, anger was a natural reaction with all my addict family. How could they put me thru this? How could they be so stupid? They are all better now, but I'm still angry. Still trying to let go of that anger. Trying to take things one day at a time. Today I will do something good, something positive. Today I will try to be better. Today I will embrace the good things. As bad as things were, there was always something good. Something I could take some small measure of joy in. Something I could do for myself.

I wish I had some words of wisdom that would help you fell better, make you stronger, but I don't. That is up to you. It is a terrible thing you are going thru, something no parent should have to experience. But so many do. For me, I gave myself the gift of hope. Not to sound like a broken record, but it worked for me. I told myself it may be many years before I saw my son as a good man, a man who had been thru the dark side of life and come out whole. Maybe even a man who would make the world a better place, a son I could be proud of. I think he saw this, that I believed in him, that I was hurting and feeling his pain, that I hadn't given up on him. It happened sooner rather than later. Today he is that man.

As for the legal system, that is one of those things we cannot change.

As bad as things are for you, and as angry as you are, nothing bad can come from loving your son and being there for him. It may be the hardest thing you ever do. Take care of yourself.

Upsetnneedhelp

Yancy, solitary confinement is very damaging. Sometimes they put you there if you are in protective custody. It is also a punishment type of thing. My son was caught using drugs inside. His letters to me became very strange and I eventually convinced him to speak to the psychologist and doctor. He says he would talk to the wall and make pets out of toliet paper. He did a bit better than but nearly a year in solitary took it's toll.

Twill

I love my son even though I don't like him all the time. I don't know how a mother can not love their child even after they do bad things. Don't stop sending him money for the snacks. He needs to know someone still loves him.

Lily1918

I must politely disagree. D has been in solitary and thoroughly enjoyed it.

I understand that it may have been damaging for your son, but not for my AH. You see... D has been a Christian his entire life, and the only thing they give you in solitary is a Bible. D read it all cover to cover and studied it more intently than I have ever heard him do, even during his sober time in treatment. He wrote and told me that God took everything away except the word so that D would finally listen.

I'm sorry that he struggled while in solitary =[ I'm just trying to say... it isn't bad for everyone...

I hope I don't offend you. hugs.

Upsetnneedhelp

lilly, no I understand how some guys may like the quietness. But my son is like a social butterfly. He always likes to be in the middle of everything that is going on inside. Sometimes that is not a good thing.

Lily1918

when you say a lifetime, do you mean a 25-life sentence? or a 10-15 year term? is there any chance for parole?

wolfpackfan45

We will always love our children, no matter what they do. Don't every give up on him. A mother's love is forever. I love my son despite the poor choices he's made in life. I always will.

Upsetnneedhelp

It up in the air but probably around 10-15 years. At this point, I have health problems, and who knows if I will be around the next time he comes home.