NotValidated75

Hi all. As I read your posts I am reading my stories, my life. Sure, the scenarios may be different, but always something that makes me say, "yep, experienced that very thing." I've had a flood of emotions as I read - sad, angry, laughing (one thing this life gave us is quick wit and way with words and you guys are wicked clever!), etc.

My story.... Well I'm 37 and have great job and can now be away from my parents (praise baby Jesus!!). I have an alcoholic/pain pill addict father and codependent mother. We were a family of three growing up. I have half siblings but they were not around often. My dad is successful/well educated (in his late 70s, retired in 2000). He is what I call a high functioning drunk. Or maybe not? My mom is not formally educated and has depended on my father since they married in 1966. He her meal ticket and she his trophy wife. Now that I'm older I see she kept his life going when he would stumble. She had to, she needed that money too. Can't complain. I had a nice childhood - on the outside and even on the inside, but how can a little girl ever make sense of such a twisted way of life.

My earliest memory of something not feeling right was when I was about 7. Seemed whenever my dad wanted to do something w a buddy like play basketball at the Y after work my mom would go crazy (1. Take to stalking him at the Y w me in tow or 2. All of the sudden get sick so he would come home). Her anxiety was so strong when she would be on the phone w dad that I would start to shake and sweat. I was 7!!!! You just knew he was saying he was going to be home late bc her tone, body language would change instantly. Then at 10 mom and I went to Boston to visit some family. Dad had to work. My mom cried and was grabbing for him as we walked down to the airplane. We were only going for 4 days. She could and still can put on one hell of a show for ya!! Like Dynasty and Dallas rolled into one.

Dad's drinking was always talked about from my earliest memory. My mom and grandma would talk and talk when granny would come and help mom clean house, do laundry, etc. My mom wanted me near by so no convo was off limits to me. Our house was that walking on eggshells house. You choose your mood every morning based on my dad's mood. I didn't see his drinking behavior till I was around 12 or 13. What a nightmare. He hit my mom and locked me in my room while stomping around the house and having me think he was destroying our home and hurting my mom. After an hr passed he opened my bedroom door laughing hysterically. WTF??? You may be asking yourself. Well that was the "drunk man" I saw from my earliest memory. See dad didn't drink in front of me before this incident. But what he did do was sadistic sh!+ from the time I was a baby which has scared me for life still to this day. My dad loved to terrify me as a child. Pretending to break in my bedroom window when I was 6 and then spanking me because I didn't find it funny. He would tell me someone hit my dog and then laugh as I would cry as I stood out in the street looking for dog who dad would lock in his truck to make the story more real. What a *****!! I know he was drinking back then too, I just didn't see the glasses or bottles and heck I didn't know what alcohol was. How do you make sense of that at 6?!?

Sorry if this post is scattered. I'm just so angry as I type, I can't get the proper writing flow.

Anyway, thru my teen yrs I was that hero child. I was also the tension breaker. I have an awesome sense of humor and I have this lifestyle to thank for it. I broke up the start of many WWIII in the house. I wanted out of that house. So I graduated early from high school. Looking back I see how the thought of me having independence made my parents crazy. See dad gave me his car when I turned 16. A corvette (10 yrs old but I loved it!!) And it was mine and it gave me an out even though I could only go out an hr at a time and then back home to check in. Depending on dad's mood I might get to go back out and hang with friends. Anywho, I graduated w honors and my parents were so happy. Bragging to everyone. Dad even put a little snippet in the paper about his girl!! But days later he came in my room and said he didn't want me to take my car to college. Said the car may get hit in the big dorm parking lot and he would let me take his beat up pick up truck that smell of horses and barn and wouldn't make it 20 miles much less 150!! Then as he walked out of my room (I will never forget this) he said, "now, your not taking that car. You take the truck and like it and don't forget, I OWN YOU AND I HAVE LAST SAY."
I cried so hard that night I was sick. Not because of the car but bc of the mixed messages. This exact kind of inconsistency was what i came to know as "home life". I had reached my limit. I still didn't know what this was called psychologically but I knew this was not normal. I couldnt wait for summer to end. I would be free!!

Thru college my parents had struggles. Dad wanted to control my future and I was not having it. I went a little wild lol for a few years but looking back I see I was just happy to have some freedom and not feel constantly judged. My mom was always there right behind her man. He controlled the purse strings so she let him say whatever to me. Never stood up for me, but would come to my rescue in private. I hated her for that. I still hate her bc of that. Taking up for that piece of garbage all for the almighty dollar.

We have had periods of time in my 20s and 30s where we got along. I lived w them till recently bc I was so adult handicapped I couldn't function in an adult world and trust me they both loved every minute. It wasn't until I got a great job six months ago and moved out that things have once again gone to crap. Seems they only have some peace when I'm not capable and at their mercy and they r in control. The second it seems I may bc a functioning adult those two turn batsh!+ crazy!!! Most recently she has called police on him for hiding her car keys. Cops came but nothing happened. Two days later she called again and cops found her on lawn in nightgown crying. It was 4am and my dad has me on phone just saying on repeat, "she is so nuts. You shouldn't have left." I hear mom crying and they take her to women's shelter. She calls me 8 hrs later and wants me to come get her. I had to leave work and pick her up at a gas station. Missed another day while she cried and cried to me and then the next day she went back. We didn't talk for a week. Next time we talked I was made to look like the "troublemaker who is jealous bc she has dad and I'm still single." HER WORDS!!! After the smoke wore off I just laughed and said, you all are a match made in hell and u belong together. Many words exchanged after that And they kicked me out of house. Said I was a ungrateful child and stay away. Mom called two days ago and said she couldn't understand why I'm behaving this way. She hadn't spoken to me since "kick me out fight" 3weeks ago and somehow she doesnt know why??? i hate that selective forgetting they do!!! When I started to explain she said my imagination is quite active and hung up on me. I sent an email saying to never call or make contact unless they both go to therapy and I wouldn't want to communicate until they had been going for a while otherwise I want no contact. I have blocked all their numbers and will not give in this time. I can't. I want to be better, break this cycle and have a life. A happy life. I just have to teach myself I deserve it. Sorry for super long post. I just needed to get some of the backstory out. Hope to make friends here. Thanks

Dee74

Hi NotValidated75
I know you'll find support & understanding here

My parents are not alcoholics but I had to break off contact for many of the same reasons you list here.

It was a tough, but necessary, and ultimately sanity saving, thing to do

welcome aboard

D

NotValidated75

Thanks so much, Dee! Learning how to post on forums is challenging in itself. I hope I'm doing it right.

Blessings to you!!!

Try18

Welcome. I also have an alcoholic father and codependent mother.Unfortunately I also went on to become alcoholic amongst other things. Your story made me sad though as it made me think of my sister; who sounds very much like you. She built a strong life for herself and built up good boundaries to protect herself, giving the tough love approach.
You are very welcome here and will find wonderful support. xx

Kat60

Welcome to SR!
You are doing great and you will find true support and friends here!!!

Keep reading and keep posting.

Most of all keep setting boundaries and sticking to them for your own health! It's a long road out, but you have made some tremendous strides and you can break the cycle here and now! Congratulations!

You deserve to be happy and healthy! Always keep that in the top of your mind. Also know that their baggage does not need to be yours!!!

Sometimes you just have to let them live their own lives and live in their own dimension and rise above!! Sometimes that means cutting them loose so you can be free!

Good job and looking forward to hearing more good things coming your way!!

Welcome aboard!

Kialua

Hi welcome. Wow. It will be worth it once you can get away from their "craziness" . Setting boundaries is really helpful. Especially emotional boundaries so you don't live in their craziness. They have really put you through the ringer but you don't have to let them anymore. And above all don't jeopardize your job to go "help" them again. Let them figure it out by themselves if you are strong enough. They will, and yes they will blame you, but so what else is new huh?

NotValidated75

Thanks for posting, Try! So sorry you and your sister have had this experience. It sucks that this is happening near the holidays, but I have to remember that during "normal" times we were not having happy holiday times. Living in isolation and hearing your parents sling insults and dinner rolls at each other is something I won't miss!!

Kat, thanks for the advice!! I appreciate the welcome and encouragement.

Kialua, thanks for posting!! I hope that my mom will not make this difficult. She has outsiders convinced she is the victim and in the past has tracked me down in public and created a scene acting like she is so hurt by me (when it is my dad that she should be angry with) and I just gave in to stop the public humiliation. I think I'm in a clear head space now though. I would say I'm 95% emotionally detached from this. 5 % is more to do with the irrationality and how I get super frustrated with their behavior that I will find myself going back to them bc I want to fix the stupid. I would give everything I had for mentally healthy parents. It is kinda a cruel joke..... I mean their here on earth walking around and stuff, but not emotionally available. I can't lie, it hurts(

Thanks to you guys for reading!!! I appreciate the feedback and your willingness to share.

Kialua

Yes that is so true, they are here walking around but not available emotionally for us. And they can't be counted on for anything. We all wish we had "normal" parents but it just didn't happen, did it? for me either. My Dad was the alcoholic and beat us terribly and my Mom encouraged him. I was very angry with them during my childhood and left home as soon as I graduated high school. It helps to be angry to emotionally disconnect. (you can read my blog here it under my name to the left) Then the irony is you end up having to forgive them for all the crap they put you through so you can heal. Kind of a catch 22! But you will get there, you are already on a good start.

Holidays are always hard. It helps to find a group or just having something planned for yourself to do so you keep busy. But it's better than going back to the craziness and having a holiday with them. yikes.

NotValidated75

So sorry you had to experience that w your parents. I read a couple of your blogs. So both parents have now passed?? No other way to ask so I will just ask - do you feel relief now they are gone?? I have mixed feelings about that for my parents. I often think it would be a relief, but then bc I have been so isolated from any other family that I am scared I will feel so alone. How can I feel afraid to be alone? I've been alone all my life. Does this make any sense??

Was reading other threads into the night last night. Interesting how many feel more anger at the codependent parent than the alcoholic/addict. I feel that also. I have often wondered why that is. I usually come o the thought that I'm more mad w her bc she should know better!!! She is not the one drinking. Then I have to remember that you don't have to be the drunk to be dysfunctional. I forget that a lot.

Funny. I don't sleep well. Never have. Insomnia is part of me. When I finally fell asleep early this AM I slept so hard. I think I felt some relief to put some of my story out there for many to see (I've been in and out of therapy since being diagnosed w depression and anxiety at 14). I also think it could be bc I was so emotionally drained last night. Such a feeling of relief knowing you're not alone. But also such sadness. Alcoholism is such a cruel disease. It effects so many and leaves such a lasting hurt on not just one, but multiple generations. I hate it.

NotValidated75

I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling w alcoholism too. Are you in recovery? I ask bc I have an addictive personality also and am wondering if that is bc of codependency or bc of genetics or are the two independent of each other. My addiction was men up until about 8 yrs ago when I got out of an extremely verbally n emotionally abusive relationship. He was a perfect mixture of both my parents. Loving, guilt monger, functional alcoholic, critical, indecisive, and extreme. Only after shoving ne out of a moving car (30mph) did I finally leave. Since then I have dated only one other man and he was deep in his alcoholism. I think I was just lonely. I didn't love him bc it wasn't hard to leave. My point here is my addiction shifted after the relationship 8 yrs ago. I turned to food. Never had a weight problem. But I gained 100lbs within the first yr. I have lost 50 of it but have been struggling to get this last 50 off. I'm thinking I have shifted my addiction to food and am stuck somewhere in denial, not feeling worthy, guilt for gaining, and codependency issues I'm just beginning to face. I was always in a relationship. Since I was 13 I habe been a girlfriend. I'm a relationship girl. I didn't date around. I wanted to be w someone. As I reflect on my past, I see tat I view men as validation. If you validate me, I feel important. If you reject me, I feel like a nobody. By the time I was 30, I was exhausted and more uncertain than ever that I didn't have a clue who I was. After that relationship and the way it ended, I went into a terrible depression. I partied for a few months but that scene wasn't for me either. I mean I liked to have some drinks and dance at clubs but the drugs and heavy partying wasn't for me. It was nice at first. "Checking out" felt good but that feeling ended quickly and I lost interest in that as fast as it started. Now eating was a different story. I could do that alone and over time it got out of control and next thing you know a yr had passed and I weighed 240lbs and had no life and no friends. Honestly, for a short period of time it felt good. No, it felt safe. If I'm not out and about, if I'm not attractive enough to get attention then I can't get hurt. That was my reasoning. Fast forward two yrs and I was super depressed and realizing I was doing myself no favors this heavy. I started back on my antidepressants and my thyroid meds (I habe had hypothyroidism for 18 yrs) and my parents had me move in w them. I lost 50 lbs in about 10 months from just the meds and stopping sodas and inhaling desserts. Then my parents started getting back in their old patterns of destruction w each other. I got stuck in it w them and just 6 months ago I finally got out of their house and have good job. Now realizing my own issues in all this and seeing I have my own addiction. Now I'm just trying to understand my codependency and addiction. Are they really the same?? Can I heal one and heal the other?? I know losing the weight won't fix me but I'm wanting to lose the rest without going back to my old self and finding a man to validate me. Does any of this make sense?? Sorry about rambling. Or maybe I shouldn't be sorry. Lol I don't know. I've been reading about guilt and know we can often feel undeserving. All this info is making me a tad confused, but I love learning about this and reading all the stories. I just need to figure out a plan and organize myself and how to get better.

Try18

Do not be sorry and yes you make perfect sense! I have no answers only my own experience and I identify with a lot of what you say. I believe alcoholism and other addictions run in families. In mine there is a lot of alcoholism and cdependency,, and Im the only one with a confirmed eating disorder but i see the behaviours elsewhere. I have a truly ad dictive personality- the validation from men one is inequality that still has an aspect of denial to it, but my cycle of relapses into alcoholism tend to go alongside deterioration of my eating and unhealthy relationships. Any one can trigger the other. Recently i became embroiled in all 3, my weight dropped, was drinking heavily again, and I was in a toxic excuse for a relationship. I got rid of the relation first as i knew i had no chance if i stuck with it. I am now tackling the alcohol and it is early days but i want sobriety again. My buliimia i see a therapist for ... at the moment i don't know where i stand with that. I hope this doesn't sound like a sob story, Im just explaining what i think you want to know? I generally became chaotic and that's the lifestyle i became comfortable in as its all i knew. know change takes time but i want it. Living this way is a vicious cycle. Something has to be done to break it.
Keep talking, keep asking questions. If you want more details on anything feel free to message me.xxx

NotValidated75

Never a sOb story, Try. I'm seeing we all have sAd stories and maybe our feelings of guilt to share or over share is bc we cone from lives where our feelings didnt count. We didnt get the validation we needed and bc here we are unconditionally accepted for who we are. That's just my two cents.

I had started seeing an acupuncturist a few weeks ago and she is also a therapist. Yesterday while there I just started crying and explaining many of whet I shared here to her. Hey, if I'm paying $70 for her to help me get good energy flow, you best believe I'm going to share w her what about my past is helping to keep my energy stuck!! As we talked yesterday I had a few epiphanies and here I am.

I don't know you, but I'm proud of you for being strong and seeking help! It isn't easy to do (as I'm learning). And I so appreciate you sharing your story. It can be hard to be vulnerable, but I believe being vulnerable shows strong character and strength. I was raised to think of it as something shameful. I broke thru that nonsense in therapy a few yrs ago. It's who we're vulnerable with tat is the tricky part. Those who don't deserve it shouldn't get it. People here aren't like that so I feel comfortable sharing here.

EveningRose

Do you mean handicapped as a result of their behavior?

I can relate to so many things here--the attempts to control, to run the show, to keep me a bit reliant on them, telling me I'm ungrateful, and they have no clue why I'm behaving this way (the most recent letter from 2-1/2 weeks ago is still sitting on my office desk); being called a trouble maker (one of a dozen voicemails that also included threatening to come to my work and cause trouble for me); the mother who stayed for financial support, and learned that standing up for me would get her hit....yes, many things here I can relate to.

Are you in al-anon? Do you have normal, healthy friends? People to show you some normality?

The best thing I ever did was move very, very far away. I should have stayed far away.

Kialua

Yes both are gone now. There was a lot of relief. I do find myself having to call my Mom and then remembering she is gone, but not really any overwhelming sadness. I too am isolated from most of the family, but it's all I know so I live with it. I made my own family and friends.

This is true of me as well. The enabler or codependent spouse is the parent that could/should have prevented my abuse but instead allowed it. That is why most people are so upset with the non drinking person.

Yes it is a relief to realize you are not alone, it does wonders.

NotValidated75

To clarify, I mean handicap in my ability to function like everyday normal adults. I'm beginning to see their emeshment in my life was not normal parental love, but a sick n twisted way to control and it stunted my emotional growth.

One particular situation I can't get out of my head was about 7.5 yrs ago. I was out of my abusive relationship and starting to gain weight and go into bad depression period. I went home to parents for the weekend and that Saturday morning I was sleeping and my mom came in room asking me if I wanted to go to the nearby town shopping. I said no and she and my dad left and returned after dark. I didn't get out of bed till then but came in kitchen pleasant. The phone rang and my mom answered. It was the daughter of our handyman (he was very sick at the time in hospital). She apparently thought mom was coming to see him that day bc she must have asked why she wasn't at hospital. My mom said (as I'm standing there), "I'm so sorry I wasn't there. You know daughter has some emotional problems and once again we are here picking up the pieces for her." I was so shocked I just walked out of the room. This cow had been out shopping for the day!! She had just showed me some of the makeup she bought. Just an example of numerous times I was used as scapegoat for whatever. Missed doc appts, outbursts to others, etc. when she and dad get along, I'm the excuse she uses. Never takes responsibility. When she and dad fight she uses us both. She is such the victim. At least my dad will admit he is an ass and he will tell you if he is angry at you and why. Now this is something he is doing now. He never did this yrs ago. It is like he and mom are changing places in their dysfunction although he is no prince.

I have friends at work and two best friends whom I trust but don't think they know the seriousness of the dysfunction. I won't let them around my parents. I don't trust my mother. She is very suspicious of everyone and can be overly nice or be very judgemental. My dad is so passive he wouldn't care either way. I used to attend al-anon went a few times. I need to go back to my psychiatrist and adjust my antidepressants. I think I'm more depressed than I want to believe and haven't been tsking my meds regularly bc I habe good periods and skip them. I take Wellbutrin 300mg Xr.

I can so relate to the mom shoveling the guilt to you. My mom's next to last call to me also included a little guilt. She quoted the bible scripture that talks about obeying parents and said that maybe if I treated them w the respect they deserve, especially after taking care of me as an adult, maybe God would let me lose weight, get a man, and have a good life.

I told her I was not a kid anymore and that story doesn't make me feel bad anymore and she wasn't going to win anymore so find someone else to preach to. I ended with, "get off the cross and let someone else use the wood."

As for being shown normality, I question what I see in others all the time. I was w my boss a few weeks ago and she was on phone w her husband. Their convo was so normal. I think. I mean she talks about how he annoys her in certain ways. Then I think, maybe they are dysfunctional. I guess I'm learning what is normal and what normal fighting looks like. If that makes sense???

EveningRose

Yes again to everything.

My dad beat my mother up, ripped phones out of walls, defied the police, chased me barefoot through a snowbank, had a restraining order against him keeping him out of the house for two weeks....and when he came back, somehow I was the cause of their marital problem and I was made to go to all these family counseling sessions because I was the problem. HELLLOOO???

My mother is the same way. Slots people into Good or Bad. And once she places you EVERYTHING you do is further proof that she's right.

I would no longer introduce any friends to her. I've had enough people come and tell me the things she says about me...to my friends, my children, my mother in law, people I go to church with. I've realized that virtually every person I've had difficulty with has been someone she's spoken to. Putting two and two together, I think I finally understand why some people have reacted to me as they do, when I have no clue what I've done to them. They're always people who have sat and chatted with her, and heard these skewed visions and outright untruths and believe these things of me.

The guilt, yep. That was in the letter sent recently by my dad. They did everything for me. Pretty much are responsible for all my accomplishments in life. And look how I've treated them.

Stay strong. Keep reaching out to normal, healthy people.