bird13

I just wan to vent I guess and get this off my chest. Bc it really peeves me. My boyfriend (alcoholic) has a few friends that seem to just feed into this mess even though they themselves are 1. not addicts 2. have seen the destruction and told me themselves he has a problem.

All of the sudden - and I do not know whether it is b/c Alcoholics are appearing to control their liquor intake off and on - these people think he DOES NOT have a problem and seem to be exhibiting behaviors and saying things to him that support that. Right in front of my face which really P*sses me off. (Obviously b/c they do not go home with him and sleep next to a blacked out crazy drunk.) I DO!

Our friend told me today: I love both of you guys, just not together. There is someone out there better for him and you. You are not a good match. (I was unaware that this could be diagnosed from a relationship standpoint when 1 person has a substance abuse issue. to me alcoholism takes the cake). This was her reply to me saying that on Halloween he blacked out on me, threw everything out of the closet, called me names, threw up in the toilet the next morning, and screamed and walked out. I am missing where my part in that was? She said, "He is better suited for someone else who fits his lifestyle. Who fits an alcoholic's "LIFESTYLE???" AHHH!

Second friend of ours: We are all at dinner the other night, and this friend says in front of my boyfriend as he pours him a glass of wine, " wow I am so glad Joe finally stopped drinking. Remember how bad it was? He missed work and looked horrible. He is doing so much better now." This is a person who urged me to leave my ABF awhile back telling me he has a serious problem!! ((Him and my boyfriend start talking about what a problem he had and how he was a mess as a drinker)) haha!! I guess both our friend and my boyfriend are of the same opinion that since my boyfriend is extremely successful at work, and so is his friend ( they work together) that he could not possibly be an alcoholic… or a high functioning alcoholic at that! no way. never.

Sorry for the Sarcasm but .. Why do people who watch our lives from the outside feel entitled to give their opinions and support to the drinker without any education!! They are extremely quick to judge our reactions to the drinker, and when it gets SO bad they are quick to tell us to leave, just to turn around again and condemn us for saying they still have a problem. Seems like the worst type of "help" to give an alcoholic or a spouse..

thanks for listening and I would LOVE to hear if anyone else has been frustrated in this area!!

Hammer

Mother In Law in our world.

She was so panicked by Mrs. Hammer having to go to rehab, she will put up with and try to enable any nonsense that comes along since.

However, at same time, I pretty much quit enabling. [Thank you, Alanon, SR, and God]

Now when any nonsense is starting up, I step back and MIL rushes in.

MIL screams at me, "I Hate Your Damn Alanon!"

Lets me know I am doing just fine.

Katchie

It doesn't sound like you have very good "friends". Personally, I don't give advice to my friends unless they beg me.
Now, I have a similar problem as you though not as bad. I have a cousin who, as a couple, we are close to. We don't do things together all of the time but when we want to get out of the house on a weekend and have good company, we hang out with her and her husband. Her husband, Bob, was my AH's college roommate/buddy. Last year I let my cousin and Bob know that my AH is an alcoholic. They were devastated by the news and were very helpful in the beginning. Not anymore. If my AH want to drink at their house or ours or at a restuarant, Bob is all to happy to do it with him. It is VERY frustrating!
We have another friend that is the same way. Perhaps I should stop calling them good friends too.
I know that even if they didn't drink, that wouldn't prevent my AH from doing what he does. It's no one elses fault but his.
Again, maybe find some new and less judgemental friends for yourself.

Katchie

My AH'S family has NO CLUE he's and A. I think that's why he doesn't want to move back to the town he grew up in. It's small and his family is sort of a celebrity there. We've talked about it because we both agree it would be a great place to finish raising our boys...but...It's always a no go and I think that's why.
IF my MIL knew, she's enough Irish I believe she'd beat the tar out of him.

BoxinRotz

And he freakin KNOWS it!

CarryOn

Oh yeah. And I know the enablers around me are nothing compared to others...

RAH's lifelong best friend...he told me when RAH had relapsed that I had better get him to stop...when I asked how to do that, he told me to keep talking to RAH. Best friend's wife told me she would kick his *** if he didn't stop drinking. Not terrible, but not really helpful.

My brother asked me if RAH could just drink when I wasn't around...yes, because I'm the problem, not the alcohol.

My other brother told me if I wouldn't nag RAH during his relapse, he could just drink at home instead of having to hide it from me. Right, because he has to drink.

My cousin bought RAH some beer right after I cleared out our entire bar & asked the family to respect that he was "attempting" to quit. Ignorant.

RAH's other best friend told me he would support me just after RAH started drinking again...he'd keep an eye on him. Six months later, he is in my home yelling at me that RAH is the man of the house and could drink whatever, whenever he wanted. So much for that support.

Since RAH has quit, the other best friend called him one night to complain about his wife nagging him for drinking too much one night...Seriously? You're wife nagged you?? I kicked RAH out of his home (so much for being the man of the house)! One of his coworkers called him at 2am when they were traveling to see if he knew where a third coworker was...um, you're calling the guy that stayed in and is working on sobriety to see where the drunk is?

I've since talked or written no-send letters to everyone on this list...people just do not get it.

Yeah, great support out there. Our society, in general, does not understand alcoholism. They don't see how many it effects, that it can happen to anyone from any walk of life. People also do not want to have to look at their own drinking and decide if they are over-doing it. Watch TV, open a magazine, listen to the radio...alcohol is thrown at us from every outlet. Listen to the people around you...I hear a reference to alcohol at least once a day AT WORK (and there are only eight people in my office). Alcoholism is a big joke to most people...until it effects them personally. Ugh. Someone else take the soapbox...

(...um, I might be a little touchy...just finished calling insurance & a rehab center for one of my employees that just relapsed after several years of sobriety. I hate this disease.)

bird13

I mean seriously, ? I am glad it is not just me. These stories would infuriate me if I were in your shoes!! This girl is a useless friend that said that to me. She is 25 years old, and the girlfriend of my boyfriend's "best friend." People are so absorbed in their own lives, that they fail to remember and -comprehend- the entire situation you are going through. They just make snap judgements on what information they quickly recall, or have presented right there in their face that minute. Usually from the alcoholic, and I do not know how many times she has to be fed bull from him later to find out it was the total opposite, and that has never1 time made a permanent impression on her and her partner that my boyfriend lies and has a problem. How can they not see that they are not helping? And how can they care about the alcoholic and say they are this person's best friend, and not care about truly learning about this the second they realize there is a serious issue? To me, I don't know how you can say that is a friendship, or " unconditional love " of another. My best girlfriend had this, and it wasn't until she blacked out on me I started wondering what was going on. She quickly disappeared, during which she said nothing to me, and later came and told me she had a problem. When I go out with her, I never encourage , or drink with her, or say anything. I am neutral and just always there for her if she needs some support.

I have stopped talking to these people in his life, they are his " friends " and no longer mine at all. I will never consider them that based on how they handle this, and have treated me. In fact, I talk to no one but GOD and this forum about this anymore. And I go to Al-anon and pray.

As for the other idiot I wrote about, I realize that my boyfriend will not get sober b/c someone tells him to, but i just realized that people like that just enhance the "denial land" that he is living in. Parents are the same!!! his father called me w/ him on three way, we discussed AA< and how he should keep working on this and get sober > 1 month later: dad I do not like AA. . FATHER: son, I do not blame you.

(>>? <<) lol.

We are powerless, but we are not prayerless. I don't care what anyone says about me, or thinks. I silently make my amends with God at night, and just hope that he is surrounded with some wisdom at some point in his life, and has wisdom himself.

NWGRITS

I don't associate with my AM's enablers if I don't have to. A few have really tried to make me feel like the ungrateful p.o.s. daughter that she tells them I am. I have a blanket response that I will only say once, which basically tells them that I am sorry they feel that way, but my experience with and education on the disease far outweighs their opinions, and that I refuse to engage in their shenanigans. If they want to maintain any type of relationship with me, that's fine. However, any mention of AM is grounds for me ending the conversation, period. Her insanely codie off-again bf is the worst. I can't even have email exchanges with him anymore. He's obsessed, and it makes me sad to read his pathetic missives.

csd

My axgf has a freind, every afternoon, guaranteed, she'll show up with her 6 pack of beer at least, while the xgf had her poison wine. I will never forget, early in the making I was there, xgf had passed out, im stuck with enabling bff wanabee, her own words " I dont have a problem" I just nodded and bit half my tongue off and smiled.
Good thing is, im starting to smile and laugh about some of it now.

Hammer

wow. Grits, I got a LOTTA good out of your "how to deal with" . . . . or as you a well-ordered one of us . . . "how You deal with."

Might steal some of that for next time I get a flame text from some of the 1/2 and 1/2 Gossip Girls.

But this part -- You wax poetic. (or as they say in Texas -- sounds like poultry)

Seren

*sigh* Yeah, my sister-in-law would have preferred it if we kept my stepson at home, coddled him, fussed over him, fixed all his problems, paid all his bills and so on. My stepson is in his mid-30's and doing just fine as he learns to take care of himself.

My stepson's half-brother will no longer speak to any of us...we believe because he thinks my stepson's addiction is all the family's fault and that we did not do enough to stop the addiction.

Both of them have given him money--and all he did with it was either smoke it or drink it.

NWGRITS

Thank you, Hammer. That means a lot coming from you, since you are usually the one teaching ME things here.

Ask my husband and he will tell you I love my $5 Words, as we call them. Says they're a great irony, considering I also say things like "catawampus". He's a born n raised northwesterner, so he doesn't understand our southernisms. And that it's still perfectly acceptable for a college educated woman to say "fixinto."

Flicka57

Well, I was just fired because of my exAH. one year after our divorce he's still causing me problems. What I found out about these enablers was they got seduced by his charm that he could pour on & then they believed his lies no matter how bizarre. He got his enablers to do such awful things to me you probably would not believe it. Stand tall & proud because you know the truth and eventually the truth will prevail and these people will see how they too were deceived and feel bad for their actions towards you.

Hammer

That sounds pretty close to the "Painted Black" or "Devaluation" stage of some Personality Disorder cycles.

You almost feel sorry for the folks who get sucked in.

Hammer

I knows I R dealing with an edumacated Southeron when I sees You All properly contracted to y'all.

NWGRITS

Is it really properly contracted, though?

1 person = you
2-4 people = y'all
5 or more people= all y'all.

Just sayin.

PippiLngstockng

Dear Bird,
This is an excellent topic and worthy of a good rant. Vent away.

When we choose to stop acting as our A's primary enablers, they have to quickly find replacements. Otherwise, they may have to see some underlying truths, and they want to avoid any uncomfortable revelations.

My stbxah has assembled a team to protect his self image during this awful divorce. This team includes the feminist/lesbian across the street (proving he can't be a wife beater), the family physician (who knows AH was driving drunk with DS15 in the car), my former friend/midwife (who suddenly can't remember seeing ah get violent with me when I was pregnant), and the grocer's wife ( who arrived on the scene during a dv incident but loves ah and is committed to covering for him).

What makes them deny the truth and forsake me and the children?

Better not look back too much. Put me right back to junior high level living. I can do better for myself.

There's a lot more to give up than the A. There's friends, family, income, community, and justice. It's a whole lot of loss. Better not fight it. Get thyself stronger by focusing on the people that support you and strenthening yourself. That's where your future lies.

Flicka57

Thank you Hammer--would like to know more--I'm the one still not sure my ex was A or someone with NPD who drank. One year after my divorce I find him doing some pretty sneaky things and I'm always trying to stay one step ahead of him and figure out what he is up to--it is exhausting. Now that I am no longer at my job--he is now giving out my old work address as his to his creditors, people I'm still friends with there have told me about his mail coming there. I know he's up to something but I can never figure it out until it's too late and he has caused more devastation for me. I have shut down old email accounts, turned off 2 phones, and moving now to undisclosed location with no mail forwarding. He has so disrupted my life and lied to everyone that I cannot trust anyone. This is where I cannot make sense of this--can alcohol cause someone to be such a severe stalker. Any thoughts?

Hammer

Sounds more Personality Disorder (my humble and totally non-professional opinion).

A drunk is just a drunk. Drys up to just dry drunk if just drying up.

The Mental Health / Mental Illness issues that track along with Long-Term Addiction and Alcoholics is whole other deeper layer -- but it is not at all uncommon for Long Term A's to have these. The PDs tend to show up around the Cluster B Personality Disorders, but also may hit Depression and Bi-Polar.

Personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Whether Narcissistic, Borderline, Antisocial (you can see folks discuss all of these on here), Borderline in particular often has the Drama Victim Paint-You-Black routines. Only way they can validate and justify the horrid way they behave is to put on a pretense show that they are some sort of victim of something worse.

here is some sample info from BPD Family >>>

Splitting; Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline - William Eddy, Esq

Interesting observation on being painted black

Splitting: Painted black - what does it mean?

butterfly2013

Hi Bird, I can sense the pain in your post. My XABF (and I think he probably has NPD too bc he has told me on many occasions that he does not have a conscience) also has tons of enablers who practically fall down on their knees and kiss his behind. I've found, though, that in my ex's case, nearly all of his enablers are also drunks, terrible or deadbeat fathers, drug addicts, do not have high school diplomas, get in trouble with the law, etc. BUT my ex is very charming, funny, and the life of the party, so that means he's a great guy, right? Even when I was in a relationship with my ex, I knew his "friends" aka enablers were NOT true friends or even good people and I limited my interaction with them. But surprise, surprise, his new wife (and his biggest enabler) is good buddies with his friends.

Hammer, thanks for providing the links on being painted black! It resonates with my own experience. When I was in a relationship with my ex, he would often say I was the "perfect" woman, his "one in a million," that he has never, ever met another woman like me. In retrospect, I now understand that I was "perfect," all right, but a "perfect enabler," because I would only voice very weak concerns about his increasingly bizarre behavior but then accept it. Aka, I was the perfect doormat/codependent to his alcoholic, NPD crazy behavior.

After breaking up for good and filing for (and winning) full custody of our son, my ex has repeatedly said, "I NEVER thought you would do this, I though you were a *good* woman. You are just judging me on the past! Get over it!" He now can't stand me because I finally put my foot down with his crazy alcoholic behavior. He has "painted me black," and his wife buys into it as well.

It's tough, but I echo the other posters, just try to stay away from the enablers as much as people. Try to surround yourself with healthiness and it will help.

(((((hugs)))))