Brincess

I am/was engaged to a wonderful man. Kind, giving, etc. my main concern was he drinks a lot. From the time he gets home til he goes to bed. Anywhere from 5 to 8 beers everyday Why I'm confused is he's successful at his job, and not really showing any bad behaviors. I know his tolerance must be high. I'm a nurse by the way. So I'm especially bothered by how unhealthy this is. I've decided I can't live my life stressed about what he's doing to his body and so he is moving out in 3 weeks. I need to know this is the right thing.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR. Sorry for what you are going though.

I think it is good for you to realize that there is nothing you can do about his drinking if he doesn't want to quit. So removing yourself (or in this case him) from the situation seems wise.

MWL1983

Hi Brincess, I put my current girlfriend and former fiance (yes, I stated that correctly) through my drinking and it has not been fun for either of us. She found a lot of help and support through Al-Anon.

It wasn't until a few months prior to entering recovery (and I am still struggling!) that my behavior started to deteriorate. I was, and still am, extremely gifted and successful in my field. I say that to point out that addiction doesn't discriminate. I'd always used academic and career success to hide my drinking from others, and from myself. He may not be an addict/alcoholic and even if he is, he may not yet know it. However, if he is an addict/alcoholic, the disease prognosis strongly indicates that over time it will become self-apparent.

How did a receive your request that he move out?

Best of luck to you.

Brincess

This is great I burst into tears just knowing someone heard me. Thank you. he's actually admitted he's an alcoholic (while under the influence of course) and I asked him if he wanted to be one and he said no. But the next day it was like it never happened and he just dismissed it. He says I don't know why you can't just be happy.

I guess what's causing me the greatest agony is that we agreed we would continue dating when he moved out and now I'm not sure if that will leave the door for me to get pulled back into the relationship. And also be prolong the pain. We have an elopement package as we'll that needs to be cancelled and kids that need to be told.

He is a wonderful man, fun attentive chivalrous etc. but I know he drinks way too much and if they say it's progressive that's what worries me. And now that it's causing me so much stress I'm avoiding people and not myself. I haven't even got out of bed yet

Moving out was a mutual decision he agreed because he said I don't look happy

Brincess

I am planning on going to al anon. No meetings close to me today though. I'm not good with this type of site. Not good with computers so sorry

Brincess

MWL1983. How much did you drink. How did your behavior start to deteriorate. Was it due to difficult times or just began deteriorating?

MWL1983

I have always used Steps Away. It's a smart phone application that uses GPS to locate meetings near you. If you use the filter function, you can specify that it searches for only Al-Anon meetings.

I will say this. Swallowing the pill and accepting my alcoholism was something that happened after I began going to AA meetings. You could just explain to him that for your relationship to continue, he needs to reduce or eliminate his drinking. However he does that is on him. If he's an alcoholic it's not his fault - it's a common disease with many risk factors. However, it's certainly his problem to deal with.

Brincess

Mwl1983. Thanks for the info. The weird thing to me is he seems happy with his life and I seem miserable. Were you happy drinking?

MWL1983

My drinking got to the point where I was drinking, on average, around 11.5 shots (or a pint) of vodka every day for about 6 months. Sometimes it was more and sometimes it was less. I often went to work while I was probably still under the influence. My hands started to tremble subtly in the afternoon.

I would get into drunken arguments with my fiance. I spent New Years Eve of 2011 (dressed in my designer suit, ha) passed out in a Chicago alleyway after getting into a verbal altercation with a fellow bar patron. I made scenes at parties and often left early. I visited the ER once. I'm a really laid back and non-violent type. For me this behavior is highly odd.

That behavior was preceded by the death of my father, grandparents, and a close uncle 2 years earlier. It helped accelerate the progression of my drinking, but didn't cause it.

I'm not an alcoholic due to the quantity of alcohol I consumed. I'm an alcoholic because I have little control over when I drank or how much I drank. I could stop at 1 every once in awhile, but after 2 it was off to the races. I drank on the heavy side of moderate for many years. A switch flipped at home point and I lost control. I have never since been able to control and enjoy my drinking, so the only solution for me is abstinence.

MWL1983

Very, until I wasn't. Had the nice place to live, the beautiful girl, new car, and a promising career. Lots of friends to. I was very close to losing all of that, but fortunately, I didn't.

Hawkeye13

Hi Brincess;
I know that must have been so difficult to do, but better now than later.

It sounds like your "little voice" was telling you something wasn't right, and I think you were smart to trust it. I'm not sure about the dating thing either. What does your voice say about that?

I hope things work out, but I would stick to my guns about the drinking. It does just get worse. Good luck and best wishes.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Brincess

The important thing here is that you have concerns and you're acting on them. If you have continuing doubts or fears it makes sense to me to take things slowly from now on.

As odd as it may seem to you or me now a lot of people have no intention of giving up their drinking habits, even if they drink way above recommended levels, especially if their day to day life has not been impacted significantly to this point...

Things may change, but they may also never change.
You have to decide if you can live with that.

D

least

to the family. Don't see this as an end to a relationship. Look at it as the start of a new peaceful life for you. You may feel miserable now but once you adjust to a stress free life I think you'll start feeling better.

MWL1983

As horrific as my drinking may read, I did not want to stop. I wanted to drink how I drank without consequences. Fortunately or unfortunately, my brand of alcoholism is rapidly progressive. Over time, the alcoholism always gets worse, never better. My drinking kicks my butt and I just can't handle it anymore. I didn't earnestly want to stop until it was too painful to continue on drinking.

I agree with Dee: your instincts are useful, so use them.

Brincess

This is all so much to think about. I seem so sure in my resolve but then I think there's hope.

MWL1983

My relationship with my former fiance and current GF fell apart as when she and I started transitioning from active alcoholic and co-dependent to attending members of AA and Al-Anon. We spent the summer of 2012 living apart and are back together, healthy, with appropriate boundaries, and happier. She doesn't co-sign my BS anymore and I don't ask her to.

Brincess

I looked up co dependent and I don't really fit it at all. I see weird boundary things with him like being drinking buddies with his ex wife's bf. I guess I'll learn more when I go to an al anon. It seems my past bfs and ex husband all had addiction problems. So somehow I'm attracting this. I tried that app but it only listed aa meetings

Mags1

Welcome Brincess to SR.

Brincess

Thank you Mags1

Correy

Love is worth fighting for.

Unfortunately, love for alcohol is often stronger. Whatever the outcome of your struggle will be, I wish you, and your man, all the best.

Good luck.