TZ23

Hi everybody, I just wanted to introduce myself and tell my story to see if anyone had any words of encouragement for me. I'm a 34 year old man married with 2 beautiful daughters. I have a decent career I've been at for eight years. I have a hard time using the term alcoholic when describing myself because I do not drink everyday, and I even go weeks at a time without having a drink. I did spend age 15 through about 24 drinking almost everyday. Then I spent 24 through 25 sober. Age 25 through 34 now I would say I drinking heavy 1 or 2 times a week. The problem in my eyes was never how often I drank, but the excess I drank when I did drink. I would say 90 percent of the times I have gotten drunk ( which is a lot of drinking) have ended with me waking up with regrets. Some of the things I have done while drinking over the years have been getting in fist fights with friends, saying horrible things to people I care about, I had at least 3 car accidents while drinking ( one almost killed me and a friend, and another one ended with my car in a retention pond and I watched it sink after I swam out). Before I was married I had over 20 one night stands and hurt many women in that process. After I was married I cheated on my wife once, and in the right opportunity probably would have done it again. I have at least 5 scars on my face from drunken nights falling on my face. I also have had 2 previous suicide attempts which I admit we're more a cry for help than anything. I had one legitimate attempt that I survived that brought me to quit drinking from 24 to 25. I attempted that after I got arrested for a dwi and felt so much shame and embarrassment. The crazy thing is when I read these things sober I don't even feel like I'm talking about myself. If you asked anybody that knows me they would describe me as such a kindhearted, sweet great guy. When I drink I turn into somebody I'm ashamed to say I am. I feel like a fraud to everyone I meet because I'm always thinking if they knew half the things I have done while drunk then they wouldn't believe it. I feel like i'm a wonderful husband , father and friend sober, but drunk I'm just a piece of garbage. I'm finding this so hard because my whole drinking life I was identified by my drinking. Believe it or not a lot in goods ways too. Alcohol would make me somewhat make me feel like the life of the party. Dancing, singing and just not caring about anything. I'm actually very shy and not confident in myself and when I drank it makes me feel like somebody else. It took a long time but I realize I just want to figure out how to live being who I am rather than use alcohol to make me something I'm not. I take full responsibility for the actions I have done. My goal is to make those things be something in the past and be this good guy I know I can be. Thank you for hearing me out everyone. I'm not to sure how to live sober and to get over the guilt I carry everyday for the bad things I have done.

Kaneda8888

Welcome to SR, TZ23. There is a lot of information and support here to help you with maintaining sobriety. For me, alcoholism is not the quantity or frequency that you drink but how alcohol affects you once its in your system. If you are unable to stop drinking after 1-2 drinks, then you are likely to have an issue. Whether you wish to label yourself as an alcoholic, heavy drinker, problem drinker, binge drinker, etc, it doesnt really matter. What matters is whether you have a problem with alcohol. From what you have posted, it seems that you do ! I recommend that you read the threads here, share as much as you feel comfortable and join your class (which is November on this forum). We are here to help each other gain and maintain sobriety. Best of luck !

Dee74

Hi TZ23

Yeah there's a lot of reluctance to embrace the A word - and I think we can focus too much on the name.

At the very least your drinking is causing you many many problems - you're a binge drinker who is getting into a lot of bad and dangerous situations and who relies on alcohol to 'be someone'. You're getting progressively more and more unhappy and progressively farther and farther away from who you want to be.

I can really identify with that - but it is possible to turn things around - with a commitment to change and some hard work

You'll find a lot of support here and a lot of ideas on how to get sober and stay that way.

Do you have any ideas yourself on how you might do that?

D

Pete55

Welcome,
After reading your first post, you almost told my story to, very similar.
It's not about how much or how often I drank, it's also what happens when I drank, the un-manageability of life in general, the fear, shame, guilt and remorse.

I went to AA after 35 years of trying to drink "normally", discovered what it means to be alcoholic therefore "normal drinking for me is never to be, continue to do the program of AA as best as I can and have not had a drink for some time now.
Drinking alcohol is no longer a part of my living because the thought of as drink is no longer a issue. Simply don't act on the thought.

I can go out where there is alcohol if I need to be there due to family events or work related stuff and not drink alcohol if offered by those who are unaware I don't drink.
If others have a problem with that, it's their problem and there is no need to hang around any longer than need be.

Having said that, the wreckage of the past in my case is going to be a life long process to "fix" things with those I have hurt during my drinking days, as long as I don't pick up the first drink, things only can get better.

I hope you find my story beneficial for your recovery.
Others here have their story to.

All the Best.

apophylite

welcome TZ, you've come to the right place.

TZ23

Wow thank u so much for the quick and supportive responses. Reading everything you guys have wrote have me going into today feeling very good about this.

FourSeasons

Welcome TZ23! Glad you stumbled upon us!!

I absolutely agree with the other posts here... You can call your drinking problem anything you want. The thing is it is obviously a serious problem for you and has caused you great heartache in the past.

Trust me, it does not get better. It is progressive in a bad way.

I am glad you joined here. You will find a lot of support and learn that you are not all alone in your struggles!

john44

Although getting sober (and staying sober) isn't easy, it's well worth it if only for the peace of mind sobriety gives. I think you are giving yourself a wonderful opportunity by quitting now before things get really bad. And they can get very bad very quickly.

ChrisBen

Welcome to SR TZ! My drinking frequency was similar to yours, maybe worse. If alcohol was in the house I drank until it was all gone. I'm on day 58 here and it is because of SR. I read a lot of posts, offer support, and have found what I need to build a sober life. It isn't always easy but what is? You can do this. Take it one day at a time and Congratulations! Sober feels awsome!

Hawkeye13

I was a binge drinker too. I have had the same job for almost 14 years.
People think I am very kind and sweet, but give me some vodka and I'll get in your face and be mean.

I hope you choose to quit, as it sounds like alcohol really has been a major focus of your life and caused many problems for you. That unfortunately will just get worse as time passes. But it sounds like you have so many wonderful things to build on, with your daughters and a desire to change things.

You can do it and take control back of you life. I can tell you I would never want to go back to the binging and the ugliness of me drunk again. Sobriety was worth the work and now it is a joy to wake up every day feeling good, not hung over, and no bad behavior to apologize for or regret.

Welcome!