Ladywind

Hi there, I thought joining this forum may help me decide whether to keep trying or leave him. We have an unusual marriage. We met on the net, he lives in one country and I live in another. I did not realise the extent of his alcoholism till after we married.
Hard thing is that he has found AA, now goes to church, but continues to not recover. He simply does my head in and I find myself drained and sick and tired of believing he will change only to be disappointed again.
Blah is about how I feel these days.

Hawkeye13

Only you can decide whether to stay or go Ladywind. Are you ready to follow through on a threat to leave?

Do you think there is something worth saving in the relationship that would be worth the hard work it is to live with an active alcoholic?

How much have you shared with him about how strongly you feel about his drinking?

I don't get the internet romance thing, perhaps due to my age, but from what little you've said, sounds like there wasn't "full disclosure" upfront, so does that void the deal in the cyberworld, or not?

Anna

I hope you can find some peace in your life.

Dejvice

Don't know how long you are married or how long you know him. But try to picture YOUR life in five years time and he is still drinking. From my point of view being an alcoholic and having put my family true a lot I can say without doubt that he is selfish because in the process of destroying his own life, he will also destroy your life. That is one of the things that alcoholism does....it rips the heart out of a family, a marraige, a relationship, a friendship......and when its done it turns around and smiles and continues on with its victim who is really none the wiser to what he/she lost at that time ( but later in life he/she will recognise it, but by that stage it is too late).

So he better wise up or he will lose a lot.

Hope it works out for you.....and that he understands what is at stake.

least

It doesn't sound like he's very interested in truly recovering. Only question I would ask myself is whether I deserve better than this or not. I'd say you do.

dirk626

I wish you could ask my wife that question and get her perspective. For some reason she has stayed with me for the last 24 years. I like to think that the first 5-8 where relatively normal. I drank a lot but we were in our twenties and most of the people we knew were binging. I just never grew out of it. As time went I switched from binging on weekends and a couple of nights a week to just drinking steady nearly every night. If we didn't have children I think she would have left years ago.

If I could do it over I don't know that I would ask her out on that first date. I love her so much that I would run away from her so that she could have the life she deserved.

A few weeks ago, before I quit drinking, I thought about her as a little girl. I imagined her as an adolescent playing house. I imagine her from one of her childhood photos, with her glasses, a big smile and knobby knees. I pictured her playing house and thought about the husband she was imagining in her fairytale. I'll bet he was handsome, smart, funny and treated her like a queen. She got a reclusive drunk stuck in front of the TV with a pile of beer cans on the end table next to him!

I'm glad she hasn't left yet, and I'm determined that she won't regret that decision. If she does leave I will not blame her nor will I allow anyone to speak poorly of her decision. She has suffered more than enough for what I bring to the table. If I could get in my time machine and go back and talk to that young women I would tell her to give me one firm ultimatum, and then keep her word based on the outcome. I would tell her to follow through and never look back!

I wish you the very best!

advbike

That was a great post Dirk.

Marcher13

Maybe the frog is turning into a prince Dirk, stranger things have happened.