I feel like such a fool.......

Old 11-07-2013, 11:58 AM
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I feel like such a fool.......

My children and I moved the end of May from AH of 12 yrs. 2DUI's, abuse, accidents, anger,etc. At first I felt at peace. He was texting constantly, being very obsessive, laying on the guilt trip. He started going to church on Sundays. Went thru the " I am done drinking to its ok if I have one or two, then wrecked his bike and went back to the Im done. Started seeing a counselor and physciatrist. Was put on about 4 different meds. Mood stabilizers, xanax and depression pills. Started feeling better about himself, not angry anymore. I was doing ok with being away. Then about a month ago, I really started missing him. He was letting me go, said he wasnt good enough for me. Well I caved and moved back a few weeks ago. Kids are doing fairly well and I was so excited. We were to start counseling together and do things as a family. I AM SOOOOOOO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He is drinking every single day now, instead of couple times a week. Not always alot due to his meds but everyday. He has missed work and I think he has actually lost his job now. Always has excuses. Says he thinks he is doing good with his drinking. Passed out in bed last week, fully clothed and pissed himself in his sleep. Says he don't know where that came from because he didn't drink that much. He is not being mean or angry by any means. He is just either working or in his garage doing stuff and drinking. Kids are always with me. Some days, I don't even know if he speaks to them. How could I have been so naive and actually fell for the bull AGAIN?????????????? I feel horrible for what I am doing to my children, moving them back and forth. I cant do this anymore. How do I leave and do it for good???????????
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Old 11-07-2013, 12:13 PM
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myfreedom, I believe that there are two essential things for you to do to help yourself achieve clarity and maintain your resolve.

1. Educate yourself, thorougly, about alcoholism and co-dependency (they go together like ice cream and cake).

2. Get much more support. Alanon and individual counseling is the "gold standard" (at least, for starters).

3. Just for your own information---counselor and psychiatrist--are totally fine--but, cannot replace a strong program of recovery--like AA. A lot of alcoholics think this is o.k.---because they can manipulate well enough to avoid the fact that total abstainence is the only route to true recovery.

Please don't beat-up on yourself. Haven't you already suffered enough?.....LOL.

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Old 11-07-2013, 01:17 PM
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He may not be lying when he says he does not drink much. My husband is on similar medication and because you cannot mix alcohol w/those meds he is wasted w/just a couple beers. I caution you because this has led to major distruction in the past. Those are powerful meds.

My heart goes out to you. I too went back like a fool a couple years ago and have regretted it every since.

Good Luck and God Bless. Stay Safe!
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Old 11-07-2013, 01:43 PM
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Don't feel like a fool. All of us at one point in time (at least I think I can say this) wanted our relationships to work out and believed the alcoholic when they said that they were doing this and that. We had hope that we weren't wrong in our assessment that this person wasn't a horrible and/or sick person but someone like the one that we met and fell in love with. That they had good qualities and continue to have good qualities. And then we are let down.

You left once. You can do it again. I left my AH once and kicked him out once and both times we got back together. He started drinking and using again in August and told me this past Monday that he is, again, done. Since he always says that and it never seems to stick, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop although not getting anxious about it this time. If it happens, it happens. I have no control over him but I can kick him out again.

Stay here. Stay strong. Keep posting. You can do it! You aren't a fool. You are a human being. Don't beat yourself up.
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Old 11-07-2013, 01:49 PM
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I can only speak from the alcoholic side but I asked the same question hundreds of times how could I be so stupid. when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and totally beat I surrendered. my best friend and lover was killing me. I could not rationalize the pain and suffering that alcohol put me through. I was beat.

I went to AA and learned that I was powerless over alcohol that my life has become unmanageable. I learned that total abstinence was the only possible solution. it was then that my life started to turn around.

Your husband is not a bad person he has a bad disease I feel so very sorry for the pain suffering that I put others through and I'm truly sorry for the suffering that you have gone through.

You need to take care of yourself and build a healthy happy life.
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Old 11-07-2013, 02:00 PM
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Sorry to hear this stuff: some unpleasant reminders.

I was an extreme drinker for nearly thirty years,before 5wks detox, then the bizarre notion that I could become a moderate drinker.......
Actually I did moderate a lot at the price of watching every move, counting drinks, keeping note books etc. I FELT I WAS WALKING A MINE FIELD. Still really miserable then, on benzos and anti depressants to boot.
Moral of story; there is no sane drinking for the alcoholic, period!!

At long last I am six months sober and attribute much of this to AA & SR.
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Old 11-07-2013, 02:38 PM
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Bubovski---Congratulations on your six months! Please keep coming back here to post--if you will. We can certainly use the view from the "other side"...LOl.

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Old 11-07-2013, 02:50 PM
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I just wanted to second what Hopeful said about mixing those meds with alcohol. In particular, mixing xanax with alcohol can be deadly. I wonder how truthful your husband was with the prescribing doctor regarding his drinking. Mixing alcohol and xanax can lead to increasing the effect of each substance significantly so it certainly could be the case that he didn't drink that much. I would see my AH almost comatose at times, other times incredibly paranoid, and other times irritable and violent. Please be careful. I don't think you are stupid at all, just human and dealing with a difficult situation. I left 5 months ago and I still can't face the fact that it might be for good. We are doing a year long separation and re-evaluating at the end of the year. Maybe something like that would work for you? Good luck.
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Old 11-07-2013, 03:06 PM
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Cymbalta, xanax, klonopin, topamax, remeron,
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Old 11-07-2013, 06:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Catherine628 View Post
I wonder how truthful your husband was with the prescribing doctor regarding his drinking. Mixing alcohol and xanax can lead to increasing the effect of each substance significantly so it certainly could be the case that he didn't drink that much. I would see my AH almost comatose at times, other times incredibly paranoid, and other times irritable and violent. .
My XA lied like a rug. To his doctors, to me, to everyone. All to protect the addiction, and somehow not be forced to make what must seem a terrifying, painful decision to quit drinking once and for all.

My XA also mixed xanax, alcohol, topomax, wellbutrin, prozac, and anything else he could get for pain (vicodin, oxy). It's scary how these docs get snowed by the same charm and manipulation that we are susceptible to; except they are playing with life and death, and handing over substances to people who are clearly mentally ill.

Pi$$es me off, quite frankly. Docs need better education in this arena.

My XA's moods, health and behavior were wobbly on a good day, and when he threw that crazy chemical cocktail in there, things went from bad to worse. I got hurt several times, just trying to help him; sprained my ankle badly once assisting him from couch to bed. 6'2'' man, 190 lbs, dead weight, came crashing down. (He was not hurt.) What was I thinking?

All this to say, you are not alone Myfreedom, you are not crazy. You simply love/d a very sick man, and you kept/keep hoping that he will take the necessary steps to get better.

I agree with Catherine; a long term separation, during which more will be revealed but you don't have to languish in it with him, might be a good approach.
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Old 11-08-2013, 05:29 AM
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He seems to think he is doing good and has everything under control. I am just so angry with myself. Now I have to start all over again. Hopefully won't have to be there too long. Wish I could get him to leave but it is his house. Bought before we were married.
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Old 11-08-2013, 02:07 PM
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I went through alot of the same stuff. I moved out with my young daughter at the end of June 2012. I think my saving grace was that I signed a year lease on our rental. The first few months were the worst in dealing with him. He had a heart attack shortly after we moved out, which he basically blamed me for (since I broke his heart). Dealt with getting all the foul mouthed texts, emails and phone calls. Then he moved on to the pity tactics. All while going to individual therapy and marriage counseling (which we were "fired" from since he would not stop drinking) and trying to have "family" time. I forced myself to see what he was doing to me and my child both emotionally and physically, and decided I did not like what I saw. I had my moments of missing him as well, but they soon passed when I realized he was not about to take responsibility for his life and well being, and that it was not up to me to fix him. I am so glad I did not insist on a shorter lease. Still in the rental almost a year and half later (renewed the lease for another year), down 40 pounds and my daughter is thriving. I am happier now than I have been in many, many years. No one can tell you what will make it stick for you, but a long lease, time to think and getting a new perspective on how he handles his own life did it for me. Best of luck to you!
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