Heartbroken, please advise
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Heartbroken, please advise
Hello, I just registered and this is my first post. I am sorry, this has probably been asked many times before. I am so heartbroken, so lost and, well, I don't know anymore. I will try to keep it short, just need advise. First of all, I had problems with drug addicions in the past, I know what it is like, I understand. I got clean for my children (I have 3). 3 years ago I was going through a nasty divorce and I met a guy. He was (supposedly) in recovery, taking suboxone for his heroin addiction. We started talking, then dating, then fell in love. Long story short, he relapsed, I kicked him out, caught a charge, went to rehab, did 6 months, got out and went to jail for 18 months to do time for that charge. During this whole time in rehab and jail I (with 3 little girls) am supporting him emotionally, financially and you know, I love him. His jail letters - we are going to be fine, I am now clean, love you this and that, will be there for your girls. From what I understand for the past, I dont know 7 years or so he has been going from heroin to suboxone, to jail, to rehab, back on heroin and back on suboxone.
I marry him in jail. I know, ********. I love him, I thought, well, I have been in a hole myself, he is serious, this will work. My family turnes away from me, I loose every single friend but one. I am alone. I am pulling 3 kids, work and him. I send him money, sometimes put money on other people's accounts so that he has more (supposedly to eat).
He gets out, the happiest day ever. 2 days later $60 is taken out from my account, for Game Shop, no receipt. I just know. I am hoping its not dope. He is buying suboxone and some other pills. WHY???? Why would you go back to his **** when you were clean for 18 monthts? Lies start pouring, he is in touch with old junkie friends. He is not doing what he said he would - no AA/NA, nothing. He relapses on H. I kicked him out, he beggs to come back.
Joins AA, gets a sponsor, gets a job, gets on subs (buys on the street), quits AA, doubles sub intake, decides to quit sub cold turkey, relapses on H. I don't know, maybe week, maybe 2 weeks.
For the past 7 months its lies, lies, lies and lies. I don't believe anything he says. Like nothing. I am ALWYAS paranoid, anxious and deprssed. I want to die. I thought about it, won't do it, because of my girls. At the same time, he is functioning somehow and going to work.
The thing is. I understand, yes, addiction. But I am your wife and I got your back. You gave me your word that you will never lie to me and that we are going to go through this hell together. I begged him to go back to AA, no he is busy. Begged to not quit suboxone so abruplty, nop. How are you feeling - oh, almost better (of course, you are, you are all doped up)
I am so very sorry this is long and boring and, sorry. I asked him to leave and I feel quitly. Guilty because he is going to lose this job and go back to dope. I feel guilty, but what about me? And my girls? This is not healthy and not right and. My heart hurts every minute of every day. I can't look at him and he is leaving. Should be gone in a couple of days. How do you guys deal with this? How do you let someone you love go like that? How do go on? thank you
I marry him in jail. I know, ********. I love him, I thought, well, I have been in a hole myself, he is serious, this will work. My family turnes away from me, I loose every single friend but one. I am alone. I am pulling 3 kids, work and him. I send him money, sometimes put money on other people's accounts so that he has more (supposedly to eat).
He gets out, the happiest day ever. 2 days later $60 is taken out from my account, for Game Shop, no receipt. I just know. I am hoping its not dope. He is buying suboxone and some other pills. WHY???? Why would you go back to his **** when you were clean for 18 monthts? Lies start pouring, he is in touch with old junkie friends. He is not doing what he said he would - no AA/NA, nothing. He relapses on H. I kicked him out, he beggs to come back.
Joins AA, gets a sponsor, gets a job, gets on subs (buys on the street), quits AA, doubles sub intake, decides to quit sub cold turkey, relapses on H. I don't know, maybe week, maybe 2 weeks.
For the past 7 months its lies, lies, lies and lies. I don't believe anything he says. Like nothing. I am ALWYAS paranoid, anxious and deprssed. I want to die. I thought about it, won't do it, because of my girls. At the same time, he is functioning somehow and going to work.
The thing is. I understand, yes, addiction. But I am your wife and I got your back. You gave me your word that you will never lie to me and that we are going to go through this hell together. I begged him to go back to AA, no he is busy. Begged to not quit suboxone so abruplty, nop. How are you feeling - oh, almost better (of course, you are, you are all doped up)
I am so very sorry this is long and boring and, sorry. I asked him to leave and I feel quitly. Guilty because he is going to lose this job and go back to dope. I feel guilty, but what about me? And my girls? This is not healthy and not right and. My heart hurts every minute of every day. I can't look at him and he is leaving. Should be gone in a couple of days. How do you guys deal with this? How do you let someone you love go like that? How do go on? thank you
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. I'm glad you found this forum. It has helped me a lot. Unfortunately I cannot speak to the "partner" side of things as my qualifier is my son but I've heard many promises from jail in the past. Each time my son has been arrested he's never going back to that, it leads no where, he sees that now, etc. etc...and then as soon as he's out....and recontacts old friends....he's done. I believe the truth is until THEY are truly ready to hand everything over and admit they are powerless there is simply nothing anyone can do to stop them. The desire to live a clean life has to come from them, not everyone else saying "see, it's great, drink the koolaide"....if they don't believe it, and think escaping life is better ...then we are powerless. There are many other partners on this site that will be along to welcome you. I just wanted you to know you are not alone, you will find great support here. Take a deep breath, you know you and your children deserve better. Sounds like it's time to stop listening to his words and start watching his actions instead. Trust your gut...paranoid, anxious and depressed are not good things to have children bear witness to. They need to know that no matter what....YOU'VE GOT THIS. Try your best not to cry in front of them...plan something really fun for you and your kids....focus ALL the energy you've been putting into making sure he's okay...into yourself and your little ones. That is where you'll see the greatest rewards. Big hug to you today.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
At this point you need to focus on you. Clearly his life is unmanageable. He is not in control of anything including himself. He relapsed immediately which means he was/is not serious about recovery. You do not want your children growing up around an addict that keeps relapsing. Think of them and of yourself. His choices are his. If he is serious he will get help....without you. Only when they want it for themselves will they have any success and even then it may never happen.
I agree with the above post. Find some happiness. Focus on your recovery, he is in charge of his own.
Good Luck and God Bless!
I agree with the above post. Find some happiness. Focus on your recovery, he is in charge of his own.
Good Luck and God Bless!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Thank you so much for answering! It's the guilt that kills me, this pounding heart, I am going crazy. But then I think about my girls, how they really wanted to do gymnastics for 2 years and I could not afford it because I was sending him $100 a week. What kind of mother would do that to her kids??? I am weak and I am an enabler and I feel as a horrible person.
He promised to leave in a couple of days, waiting for his paycheck I am so scared to have second thoughts, I don't want to remember anything good. It was never sober anyways
He promised to leave in a couple of days, waiting for his paycheck
I am so scared to have second thoughts, I don't want to remember anything good. It was never sober anyways Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
It's because they fill a void in us.. a void to be the hero. That they will always need us. The truth is our KIDS will always need us. We don't need any man. We can go on without them and be happy and successful.
You took a really good step, writing this down, getting it out, and realizing that your life has become unmanageable and that your kids are losing out because of it.
I understand. My husband is a heroin addict. I totally get it. My kids have lost out on things.. because of him also.
Keep posting, read the stickies... and understand what he is doing isn't personal... but it will keep hurting you. Even though what they do isn't intended to hurt us.. IT DOES. We cannot pay for them to stay sober, we cannot love them into stopping.. nothing WE can do will work. I promise you. I have been where you are. Two kids.
You have taken care of yourself PLUS HIM... so you will be fine on your own!
I'm glad that you will have some peace soon.. but be very careful how much money you give him. Learn about FOG.. (fear, obligation and guilt).
We love them because they are good people... but they CANNOT and WILL NOT love you back. I'm sorry. I hope you take care of you and those girls.. because it's very satisfying. You do not need a man. I promise.
You took a really good step, writing this down, getting it out, and realizing that your life has become unmanageable and that your kids are losing out because of it.
I understand. My husband is a heroin addict. I totally get it. My kids have lost out on things.. because of him also.
Keep posting, read the stickies... and understand what he is doing isn't personal... but it will keep hurting you. Even though what they do isn't intended to hurt us.. IT DOES. We cannot pay for them to stay sober, we cannot love them into stopping.. nothing WE can do will work. I promise you. I have been where you are. Two kids.
You have taken care of yourself PLUS HIM... so you will be fine on your own!
I'm glad that you will have some peace soon.. but be very careful how much money you give him. Learn about FOG.. (fear, obligation and guilt).
We love them because they are good people... but they CANNOT and WILL NOT love you back. I'm sorry. I hope you take care of you and those girls.. because it's very satisfying. You do not need a man. I promise.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Sometimes we have to just accept that we are caught in a syndrome, when we are in relationship with an addict.
Your description perfectly fits every description of the syndrome:
You meet, you feel deeply connected, and you believe that together you will beat addiction and make a wonderful new life.
You are on a cloud and then suddenly there is a jolt: the addict gets high when you thought he was in recovery; the addict gets arrested; the addict disappears for several hours or days or weeks; the addict breaks a promise, a really big one; the addict turns on you for no good reason; the addict starts accusing you of being too clingy or needy or controlling.
You start to doubt yourself. And this is the turning point. From this point, the addict is in control of you.
When he messes up--which will be often--he will tell you he cannot make it without you, that you are the best thing that ever happened to him, that he knows he can beat this with your help but without your help he's done for, that he does not deserve someone as good as you, that he is going to change and be the partner you need and want him to be.
He does not change. But you keep thinking he might.
So you wait and wait and wait, and lose friends, and alienate family members, and neglect your children, while you wait and wait and wait for this dream man to finally appear.
In the meantime, he lives a selfish and secret life, violates every value you hold dear, and still you carry a vision: that he is sensitive, kind, loving, and noble....or will be so, any day now.
It is the syndrome of addiction. The addict gets high and repeatedly creates pain and chaos yet expects you to never let him down. And you believe that he will fall apart without you.
So you step on, for another ride.
It is a syndrome, and it plays out like a script in pretty much every relationship involving an addict.
You are not boring. You are not awful. You are not weak. You just need some help, because you are inside something, like a prisoner in a prison camp who is brainwashed, and you don't know how to escape.
You need help. It's out there. You found this forum. But there is help right where you are there, too. There are support groups, there is counseling, there is help. It is time to find it. Right now. Find a meeting or a counselor or a spiritual group. You need support to break out of this syndrome. There are so many, right where you are, who will help you.
Without outside help, it is likely you will continue to step on for another ride. And take your children on it with you. So you have to get help.
Your description perfectly fits every description of the syndrome:
You meet, you feel deeply connected, and you believe that together you will beat addiction and make a wonderful new life.
You are on a cloud and then suddenly there is a jolt: the addict gets high when you thought he was in recovery; the addict gets arrested; the addict disappears for several hours or days or weeks; the addict breaks a promise, a really big one; the addict turns on you for no good reason; the addict starts accusing you of being too clingy or needy or controlling.
You start to doubt yourself. And this is the turning point. From this point, the addict is in control of you.
When he messes up--which will be often--he will tell you he cannot make it without you, that you are the best thing that ever happened to him, that he knows he can beat this with your help but without your help he's done for, that he does not deserve someone as good as you, that he is going to change and be the partner you need and want him to be.
He does not change. But you keep thinking he might.
So you wait and wait and wait, and lose friends, and alienate family members, and neglect your children, while you wait and wait and wait for this dream man to finally appear.
In the meantime, he lives a selfish and secret life, violates every value you hold dear, and still you carry a vision: that he is sensitive, kind, loving, and noble....or will be so, any day now.
It is the syndrome of addiction. The addict gets high and repeatedly creates pain and chaos yet expects you to never let him down. And you believe that he will fall apart without you.
So you step on, for another ride.
It is a syndrome, and it plays out like a script in pretty much every relationship involving an addict.
You are not boring. You are not awful. You are not weak. You just need some help, because you are inside something, like a prisoner in a prison camp who is brainwashed, and you don't know how to escape.
You need help. It's out there. You found this forum. But there is help right where you are there, too. There are support groups, there is counseling, there is help. It is time to find it. Right now. Find a meeting or a counselor or a spiritual group. You need support to break out of this syndrome. There are so many, right where you are, who will help you.
Without outside help, it is likely you will continue to step on for another ride. And take your children on it with you. So you have to get help.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
"You are on a cloud and then suddenly there is a jolt: the addict gets high when you thought he was in recovery; the addict gets arrested; the addict disappears for several hours or days or weeks; the addict breaks a promise, a really big one; the addict turns on you for no good reason; the addict starts accusing you of being too clingy or needy or controlling.
You start to doubt yourself. And this is the turning point. From this point, the addict is in control of you.
When he messes up--which will be often--he will tell you he cannot make it without you, that you are the best thing that ever happened to him, that he knows he can beat this with your help but without your help he's done for, that he does not deserve someone as good as you, that he is going to change and be the partner you need and want him to be.
He does not change. But you keep thinking he might.
So you wait and wait and wait, and lose friends, and alienate family members, and neglect your children, while you wait and wait and wait for this dream man to finally appear.
In the meantime, he lives a selfish and secret life, violates every value you hold dear, and still you carry a vision: that he is sensitive, kind, loving, and noble....or will be so, any day now."
Oh, my. Thank you English garden for what you said and for putting it all in black and white. All of what I have been feeling and thinking. I haven't posted on this forum before but on the f & f of alcoholics. My husband is a crack addict with a minor in alcoholism. You have just described all of me and my relationship with him in a few very good paragraphs.
You start to doubt yourself. And this is the turning point. From this point, the addict is in control of you.
When he messes up--which will be often--he will tell you he cannot make it without you, that you are the best thing that ever happened to him, that he knows he can beat this with your help but without your help he's done for, that he does not deserve someone as good as you, that he is going to change and be the partner you need and want him to be.
He does not change. But you keep thinking he might.
So you wait and wait and wait, and lose friends, and alienate family members, and neglect your children, while you wait and wait and wait for this dream man to finally appear.
In the meantime, he lives a selfish and secret life, violates every value you hold dear, and still you carry a vision: that he is sensitive, kind, loving, and noble....or will be so, any day now."
Oh, my. Thank you English garden for what you said and for putting it all in black and white. All of what I have been feeling and thinking. I haven't posted on this forum before but on the f & f of alcoholics. My husband is a crack addict with a minor in alcoholism. You have just described all of me and my relationship with him in a few very good paragraphs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Thank you so very much for your posts! I found several meetings in the area, even 1 hour away, I don't care I am going its for families of addicts. I am going crazy to the point that my heart hurts, I can't sleep, head is spinning, panic attacks it is bad. My family is on board and they are talking to me. My oldest 11 year old daughter and a middle (9 year old daughter) are very upset, crying, saying that they hate me for him leaving (they see something is wrong and I HAD to lie, that basically he has to look for another job).
He informed me today that he is moving to Baltimore (capital city of dope, btw) to stay with one of his jail buddies for a while. He is on suboxone again. It broke my heart completely and I just lost it, crying for hours. Why?
I guess, I expected him to be like - wow, I am losing the woman that I love, my step kids, family that I always wanted, I will def lose my job since we live like 2 hours away form Baltimore. What would I do in this situation? I would rent myself a small room by my job (he has a criminal record, so finding a job like he has now is truly a gift!), I would be in AA/NA every day, I would fight for my family.
But not him. As I cried, pouring my heart out, how I am scared that he will die. he just laid there, like, yeah, I do love you, but I am a **** up and I am tired of you thinking that I am, etc. Like its a game. I said ok, I understand that you have to do what you have to do, I think you will die there, but its your choice.
And that's that. My mom said that if he loved me he would fight. I need help, I am not going to make it. Its like, this huge rock laying on my heart, can't breathe.
Thank you so much for answering!
He informed me today that he is moving to Baltimore (capital city of dope, btw) to stay with one of his jail buddies for a while. He is on suboxone again. It broke my heart completely and I just lost it, crying for hours. Why?
I guess, I expected him to be like - wow, I am losing the woman that I love, my step kids, family that I always wanted, I will def lose my job since we live like 2 hours away form Baltimore. What would I do in this situation? I would rent myself a small room by my job (he has a criminal record, so finding a job like he has now is truly a gift!), I would be in AA/NA every day, I would fight for my family.
But not him. As I cried, pouring my heart out, how I am scared that he will die. he just laid there, like, yeah, I do love you, but I am a **** up and I am tired of you thinking that I am, etc. Like its a game. I said ok, I understand that you have to do what you have to do, I think you will die there, but its your choice.
And that's that. My mom said that if he loved me he would fight. I need help, I am not going to make it. Its like, this huge rock laying on my heart, can't breathe.
Thank you so much for answering!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Glitter, First, we CARE about you and what happens to you. You must start taking care of yourself...you have three little gift who depend on you!! BREATHE. One breath at a time, keep emotionally and physically strong, eat, feed your body. Take that rock off your heart and put it away. Look at your girls, your sweet little children, the love your feel for them will be stronger than the love you feel for the addict. Put yourself And them first! Seek out face to face support or meetings or therapy, strength. Go back and read what Lizwig told you, read it three times, let some of that advice and support sink in. Keep posting, keep reading, stay with SR, your new support to add to your group of people who care about you. Let him go. You can't fix him, he doesn't want to be fixed or healed, he is quite comfortable like he is. Love hurts, yes, but it won't hurt forever, not that kind of sick love. Can your mom give you support, love, bring out that strong woman that you are, buried somewhere under the pain? Gentle, kind hugs from a stranger to you and you fragile heart, you can do this! Want it! TF
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 127
"My mom said that if he loved me he would fight"
First off..let me say that I'm happy you found SR. I'm fairly new here but not new to loving an addict. My daughter is a heroin addict with mental health issues. SR has been an enormous support for me. It's the only place with "people like me" who truly understand what I am going thru.
As for the sentence I quoted above, your A is INCAPABLE right now, while in active addiction, of loving you and fighting for you and the family. He cannot even fight for himself. One day, hopefully sooner rather than later, he will CHOOSE to become sober. Until he does, it's a sad truth that everything he says, does, revolves around him manipulating to get what he wants. His addiction is the driving force behind everything. My daughter has said cruel, nasty things, stolen from me, gotten arrested multiple times etc. It's not her when she does/ says these things. It's the heroin speaking for her. Please focus on you little girls. My 13yo is becoming angry and depressed because off all the turmoil her sister's addiction causes. They ARE affected in many ways that may not be obvious yet. They did not ask to be part of an addicts life. I agree that you should do something with them. Even if it is going to a park for a day and throwing a ball around or blowing bubbles. They need to know that you are there and you are stable.
You are welcome to vent,post, cry, scream here anytime. We all do truly understand. Our frustration comes in trying to control something we have absolutely no control over.
I hope that you can get some peace today.
First off..let me say that I'm happy you found SR. I'm fairly new here but not new to loving an addict. My daughter is a heroin addict with mental health issues. SR has been an enormous support for me. It's the only place with "people like me" who truly understand what I am going thru.
As for the sentence I quoted above, your A is INCAPABLE right now, while in active addiction, of loving you and fighting for you and the family. He cannot even fight for himself. One day, hopefully sooner rather than later, he will CHOOSE to become sober. Until he does, it's a sad truth that everything he says, does, revolves around him manipulating to get what he wants. His addiction is the driving force behind everything. My daughter has said cruel, nasty things, stolen from me, gotten arrested multiple times etc. It's not her when she does/ says these things. It's the heroin speaking for her. Please focus on you little girls. My 13yo is becoming angry and depressed because off all the turmoil her sister's addiction causes. They ARE affected in many ways that may not be obvious yet. They did not ask to be part of an addicts life. I agree that you should do something with them. Even if it is going to a park for a day and throwing a ball around or blowing bubbles. They need to know that you are there and you are stable.
You are welcome to vent,post, cry, scream here anytime. We all do truly understand. Our frustration comes in trying to control something we have absolutely no control over.
I hope that you can get some peace today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Thank you so much, everyone! I didn't think I was going to make it yesterday. Laid in bed with eyes wide open since 2 am. I cannot find any meetings in MD, DC or VA today. Not for addict families, is it ok to go to alcoholic families? I am sorry maybe it is a stupid question.
I cannot see anything right now. He told me today after I cried and cried that he is not moving to Baltimore, and instead will look for a room near his job, so he won't lose it. And back to AA.
I have a dilemma and its eating me inside. Please, please advise. I currently have health insurance through my job - for me and my girls its like $211 pre-tax from EVERY paycheck (so twice a month). It's not cheap, but its good. He really needs a doctor, who will prescribe suboxone and watch him and so he can taper and all that. His biggest problem is that he doesn't have insurance so he has to buy it off the street (suboxone), he can't wean off himself, etc. I think if he had a doc it would be better. But. At my job its like this - if i add him my insurance changes from me + kids to me + family and it DOUBLES. Like $450 per paycheck pretax. I know, its so expansive.
I am torn and crying all day because he really needs a doc. But on the other hand, I have been putting him in front of my girls for 18 months when I was sending him money. I couldn't afford any activities for them and its embarrassing but I have a nice job, i should be able to. My youngest wants to do gymnastics, olds sings. If I sign him up, they won't probably be doing anything again. He is not asking for anything. Says don't worry about it. I know that he was very excited about it before, to see a doc. If we would have stayed he would have paid me for it, but since he has to move out, he can't pay and pay his rent, etc.
Am I a total moran? An idiot? I just want to help, I don't know, i feel guilty and selfish and horrible. Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I have been re-reading your posts all night last night.
I cannot see anything right now. He told me today after I cried and cried that he is not moving to Baltimore, and instead will look for a room near his job, so he won't lose it. And back to AA.
I have a dilemma and its eating me inside. Please, please advise. I currently have health insurance through my job - for me and my girls its like $211 pre-tax from EVERY paycheck (so twice a month). It's not cheap, but its good. He really needs a doctor, who will prescribe suboxone and watch him and so he can taper and all that. His biggest problem is that he doesn't have insurance so he has to buy it off the street (suboxone), he can't wean off himself, etc. I think if he had a doc it would be better. But. At my job its like this - if i add him my insurance changes from me + kids to me + family and it DOUBLES. Like $450 per paycheck pretax. I know, its so expansive.
I am torn and crying all day because he really needs a doc. But on the other hand, I have been putting him in front of my girls for 18 months when I was sending him money. I couldn't afford any activities for them and its embarrassing but I have a nice job, i should be able to. My youngest wants to do gymnastics, olds sings. If I sign him up, they won't probably be doing anything again. He is not asking for anything. Says don't worry about it. I know that he was very excited about it before, to see a doc. If we would have stayed he would have paid me for it, but since he has to move out, he can't pay and pay his rent, etc.
Am I a total moran? An idiot? I just want to help, I don't know, i feel guilty and selfish and horrible. Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I have been re-reading your posts all night last night.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Good Morning Glitterdeva, I'm glad you found some solace in our posts. I attend Al-anon, even though Nar-anon would seem the logical spot for me, as the mother of an addict. I have found the principals are essentially the same...you can switch out the words addict for alcoholic and you would still benefit from attending. We really aren't there to talk about or "fix" our qualifiers. The program is more about empowering ourselves and regaining serenity. I have found that between this site and al-anon I have so much more peace in my life than I did a year ago. Give it a whirl, go to several meetings until you find a good fit. You'll know when you do. I found great relief after just a few meetings...
In regards to your health insurance. Keep in mind this is only MY opinion....I would treat your girls to the classes they want to do. They are only little once. Let them know that they are the most important thing to you. You have been trying to change his outcome and unfortunately you cannot. Don't do for him what he is capable of doing for himself. There are many free programs out there if he is serious about recovery. If he is on parole or probation he may qualify for assistance. Let HIM research his options. He is capable, if recovery is what he wants he will find it whether it's in the rooms of NA, the Salvation Army, where there is a will, there is a way. But it's not up to you to sort this all out for him. He will have more ownership of it if he sorts it for himself.
Treat your girls...think of the PURE joy they will feel twirling about in their class. Think of the smile on YOUR face watching them perform. These are the GOOD things in life...and when times are challenged by dealing with an addict....we honestly have to grasp these moments and hang onto them with everything we've got. Give them this...and don't feel a moment's guilt over it. Smile to the heavens and say "thank you...thank you for these beautiful children and thank you for helping me reclaim MY life".
In regards to your health insurance. Keep in mind this is only MY opinion....I would treat your girls to the classes they want to do. They are only little once. Let them know that they are the most important thing to you. You have been trying to change his outcome and unfortunately you cannot. Don't do for him what he is capable of doing for himself. There are many free programs out there if he is serious about recovery. If he is on parole or probation he may qualify for assistance. Let HIM research his options. He is capable, if recovery is what he wants he will find it whether it's in the rooms of NA, the Salvation Army, where there is a will, there is a way. But it's not up to you to sort this all out for him. He will have more ownership of it if he sorts it for himself.
Treat your girls...think of the PURE joy they will feel twirling about in their class. Think of the smile on YOUR face watching them perform. These are the GOOD things in life...and when times are challenged by dealing with an addict....we honestly have to grasp these moments and hang onto them with everything we've got. Give them this...and don't feel a moment's guilt over it. Smile to the heavens and say "thank you...thank you for these beautiful children and thank you for helping me reclaim MY life".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by Ruby2 
"You are on a cloud and then suddenly there is a jolt: the addict gets high when you thought he was in recovery; the addict gets arrested; the addict disappears for several hours or days or weeks; the addict breaks a promise, a really big one; the addict turns on you for no good reason; the addict starts accusing you of being too clingy or needy or controlling.
You start to doubt yourself. And this is the turning point. From this point, the addict is in control of you.
When he messes up--which will be often--he will tell you he cannot make it without you, that you are the best thing that ever happened to him, that he knows he can beat this with your help but without your help he's done for, that he does not deserve someone as good as you, that he is going to change and be the partner you need and want him to be.
He does not change. But you keep thinking he might.
So you wait and wait and wait, and lose friends, and alienate family members, and neglect your children, while you wait and wait and wait for this dream man to finally appear.
In the meantime, he lives a selfish and secret life, violates every value you hold dear, and still you carry a vision: that he is sensitive, kind, loving, and noble....or will be so, any day now."
Oh, my. Thank you English garden for what you said and for putting it all in black and white. All of what I have been feeling and thinking. I haven't posted on this forum before but on the f & f of alcoholics. My husband is a crack addict with a minor in alcoholism. You have just described all of me and my relationship with him in a few very good paragraphs.
You start to doubt yourself. And this is the turning point. From this point, the addict is in control of you.
When he messes up--which will be often--he will tell you he cannot make it without you, that you are the best thing that ever happened to him, that he knows he can beat this with your help but without your help he's done for, that he does not deserve someone as good as you, that he is going to change and be the partner you need and want him to be.
He does not change. But you keep thinking he might.
So you wait and wait and wait, and lose friends, and alienate family members, and neglect your children, while you wait and wait and wait for this dream man to finally appear.
In the meantime, he lives a selfish and secret life, violates every value you hold dear, and still you carry a vision: that he is sensitive, kind, loving, and noble....or will be so, any day now."
Oh, my. Thank you English garden for what you said and for putting it all in black and white. All of what I have been feeling and thinking. I haven't posted on this forum before but on the f & f of alcoholics. My husband is a crack addict with a minor in alcoholism. You have just described all of me and my relationship with him in a few very good paragraphs.
My girls should come first, you are absolutely right. My heart is just hurts. Thank you!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
I paid for my husbands suboxin. He sold them and traded them for dope. If he wants to use.. he will use.
Your hard earned money and activities for kids will be going towards his drugs. I thought I was helping too.
I will never pay for another prescription like that again. Do not fall for his manipulation. If he wants to quit, he will and will is more than capable of figuring it out. Also, you can use dope 8 hours after you take subs. It's a lie.. that they have to wait 24 hrs. Do you want to know how I know???
Your hard earned money and activities for kids will be going towards his drugs. I thought I was helping too.
I will never pay for another prescription like that again. Do not fall for his manipulation. If he wants to quit, he will and will is more than capable of figuring it out. Also, you can use dope 8 hours after you take subs. It's a lie.. that they have to wait 24 hrs. Do you want to know how I know???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
Originally Posted by KeepinItReal
I paid for my husbands suboxin. He sold them and traded them for dope. If he wants to use.. he will use.
Your hard earned money and activities for kids will be going towards his drugs. I thought I was helping too.
I will never pay for another prescription like that again. Do not fall for his manipulation. If he wants to quit, he will and will is more than capable of figuring it out. Also, you can use dope 8 hours after you take subs. It's a lie.. that they have to wait 24 hrs. Do you want to know how I know???
Your hard earned money and activities for kids will be going towards his drugs. I thought I was helping too.
I will never pay for another prescription like that again. Do not fall for his manipulation. If he wants to quit, he will and will is more than capable of figuring it out. Also, you can use dope 8 hours after you take subs. It's a lie.. that they have to wait 24 hrs. Do you want to know how I know???
My husband would use, then sub, then use, then sub and don't get sick. He did it before he got put in jail. The thing is - I believe that suboxone is addictive as hell and he is addicted to it. I got in so much debate about it with him, because for him its 'medicine' - it makes him feel normal, he functions - you should see him now! He went to work, ate, slept, he is freaking NORMAL. He was sick for like 3 days, took his sub and there he is, all shiny and new. I am hurting, dying inside, crying, writing here, he don't care…He decided to quit subs because he lost his manhood, like zero sex drive and wouldn't want to do anything. Lays in bed. My youngest daughter brought this little book yesterday from school - in it she has drawings and her writings. She writes about me, her real dad, her sisters our dog - what we do, trips, play, etc. I cried so hard - there is one page about him and it says - 'My stepdad is sick, I made him bread with butter, he is in bed'
He jumped off 16 mg (!) cold freaking turkey and went for about 17 days of hell withdrawal. And that's when he relapsed, started using heroin behind my back. Now back on subs. Am I making excuses for him? I am, right? I can't see whats right and wants wrong. Why didn't he go to AA/NA, why not come to me and say- hey, I am about to relapse, need to go back on sub. I am so mad. Trust is lost.
I don't know what he is gonna do with his script for sure. But he looooooves subs, so I am sure he is gonna eat all of them. I actually had to go to a doctor (and, oh, God, so embarrassing to admit) and got a script for him (i never used opiates). Doc gave me 60 (btw, this doc since then lost his practice and it was cheaper to buy sub on the street). Anyway, do you know what he did? Instead of taking them like prescribed, he ate al of the them quickly and started BEHIND my back buying them off the street. I used to count them just to see how much he has. So he would cut the sub strip with a tiny razor, take sub out and close strip back up. How can I beat this? This guy is a master.
I am rambling. I am sorry. Found a meeting today, its Al-anon and I am going. You are right. He knows what to do - AA/NA and he can buy sub on the street. I don't know, or maybe I am blind.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
So much great support and advice! Look for any meeting...it doesn't matter what "anon" you go to....Alanon works just fine.
Protect yourself including your finances. He can't get medical care (ER) and Rehab for free if he wants it. Save your money to support your daughters and self.
The heart breaks are the worse...it will get better over time. Take it day by day.
Protect yourself including your finances. He can't get medical care (ER) and Rehab for free if he wants it. Save your money to support your daughters and self.
The heart breaks are the worse...it will get better over time. Take it day by day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 275
You know what's messed up? I am hating myself for even saying it - my mother gave me two rings - one for my bday when I was in my 20's, its just a ruby ring, probably worth like $100 and also my grand-grand mother's ring and it is very expansive and, most importably, it means so much to my family. I was supposed to give it my older daughter and she to her daughter, etc. I always, always wore it. I loved it, it was part of me. In August he opened Jared card and bough me and him wedding rings and engraved them with our dates. He took my grandmother's ring to size and brought it back. I remember he said to me- I was afraid that you will think that i stole it or something, here it is in the box, I just wanted to surprise you. I love my wedding ring, it is so special. Well, the other rings are gone, my grandmothers and that other mom gave me. And his wedding ring is also gone. Is is a coincidence? I searched the whole house and its killing me to think this. KILLING KILLING KILLING me. I don't care about $, it was for my daughter. And I feel guilty for thinking that. I would be dying inside if I did that to my husband.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
It's so sad. I have to be honest with you. While in active addiction (using subs/heroin) they will do anything, ANYTHING to get the next fix.
My husband sold his car because I refused to give him the keys, so he junked it. He also sold any jewelry that I didn't have in a safe deposit box.
I don't trust him at all with anything valuable or precious. Not while he's in active addiction. Unfortunately addicts will abuse means to get "better" so they can keep using.
I tried negotiating, believing, chances, everything. Nothing works except keeping me and the kids safe. I was actually sleeping with my purse under my pillow before I kicked him out on his last run.
My husband is in jail now.. and coming home next week. He is going to a 14 month in patient faith based program because HE wants to go.
I'm done with the cycle. He is my high school sweet heart. He is not abusive except for FINANCIAL ABUSE. I don't deserve that, and neither do me/his children.
He also stole my daughters Ipad, movies and other things. Also, sold his wedding ring. You have nothing to be ashamed of. What he does shouldn't have a reflection on what you do. Work hard and trying your best to keep your family together.
My husband sold his car because I refused to give him the keys, so he junked it. He also sold any jewelry that I didn't have in a safe deposit box.
I don't trust him at all with anything valuable or precious. Not while he's in active addiction. Unfortunately addicts will abuse means to get "better" so they can keep using.
I tried negotiating, believing, chances, everything. Nothing works except keeping me and the kids safe. I was actually sleeping with my purse under my pillow before I kicked him out on his last run.
My husband is in jail now.. and coming home next week. He is going to a 14 month in patient faith based program because HE wants to go.
I'm done with the cycle. He is my high school sweet heart. He is not abusive except for FINANCIAL ABUSE. I don't deserve that, and neither do me/his children.
He also stole my daughters Ipad, movies and other things. Also, sold his wedding ring. You have nothing to be ashamed of. What he does shouldn't have a reflection on what you do. Work hard and trying your best to keep your family together.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
Sadly, we will have to stop trying to save them. It is there choice to save themselves or not. We cannot help with this journey.
My husband knows if he chooses drugs I choose to kick him out of my life.
I do this because I love myself, and I love my kids. I have to. He cannot while he's so inlove/addicted to his drugs.
My husband knows if he chooses drugs I choose to kick him out of my life.
I do this because I love myself, and I love my kids. I have to. He cannot while he's so inlove/addicted to his drugs.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
