SomewhereElse

When does it do more harm than good to go to an Al-Anon meeting?

I feel like I need more than one a week right now, but I'm out of the house so much already (Monday=Al-Anon, Tuesday & Thursday=school, Saturday=AA). I know I need to focus on myself, but I don't want AH to think I don't want to be around him. He already complains that he misses me and I'm never home. I explained that I need this to be healthy, but he doesn't understand the need for multiple meetings.

I really wanted to go to a meeting last night, but instead I stayed home with AH. I didn't want to make him feel abandoned, and I knew it would lead to whining and I'd have to listen to him today...plus dealing with the fact that I hurt his feelings.

Most of the time he's really understanding and doesn't mind when I go to meetings, but when I try to throw in an extra one, it seems to hurt him. How do I deal with this?

lillamy

If you were leaving children with your AH and they were not safe, it may do more harm than good to go to an Al-Anon meeting. That's the only time I can think of.

Gently, I would like to suggest that the fact that you are more concerned about your AH's feelings/reactions than your own need for a meeting is a GREAT piece of evidence that YOU NEED A MEETING.

So no. It doesn't do more harm than good to go under those circumstances.

That said -- I understand wanting to avoid conflict. I turned myself into a pretzel trying to avoid conflict with AXH for years. The only result was that I lost myself. He still found reasons to create conflict.

dandylion

SomeWhereElse---building on what Illiamy just said---there comes a point when you just have to stick your toe outside your comfort zone---if anything is EVER to change.

Good Luck.

dandylion

Hadley

I have found that the A does not want us to get healthy and for us to be independent. The more healthy we get, the more we trust ourselves and the more we trust ourselves the more independent we get and the more independent we get the less we put up with from them.

Could it be that he sees you going to these meetings as a threat and therefore is playing the "I am lonely" "you don't spend enough time with me" etc. etc. card to keep you from going to meetings and to keep you from getting healthy?

I do not know your situation I am only speaking from what I experienced in my own life. My A always tried to seem understanding of my seeking help for myself but would always throw in a "I want you to go I just love you so much and miss you" or "you are never home and I want to spend time with you" etc. etc. to manipulate me into not going and staying home with him.

hopeful4

We attend Celebrate Recovery and we attend together as a family. That way we are all there at the same time. We end up in different places for the small groups, but we all eat together and are physically located in the same building. This has been good for both my recovery and my AH's (I am codependent, he needs chemical dependency meeting). Any chance you could both be at a meeting at the same time and ride together, etc. and make it something you do together? Just a thought.

Good Luck!

BookNerd

It could be this, but also, isn't it possible that he really does miss you when you go out a lot? You said he doesn't mind if you go to one or two meetings a week, so it doesn't sound like he doesn't want you to get healthy.

Personally, I would be pretty happy if my husband expressed a sincere desire for my company. It sure doesn't happen very often.

isitme

First of all. THANK YOU for this thread. I have these types of thoughts all the time. So it's very helpful to see all the responses here.

This is quite often my thought, but it seems there needs to be some balance. Because when am I thinking this..(above) could it really be this (below)

I really don't know which way is correct. I certainly think he wants me to believe the latter. All in all I think I agree with Hadley and with this

I say this because in my case, my A is still active and in denial. I don't attend meetings outside my lunch hour and I still get this kind of response. Are there any meetings that wouldn't conflict with your time together? A daytime meeting you could get too?

If you skip the meeting and stay home together are you engaging with one another? Talking, cooking together or doing something other than watching TV together? This is just my opinion, but I feel like if someone really wants me home so we can be together, than it really shouldn't be just another day in the house.

honeypig

The way I look at it is this: If my A is in recovery, I am good with ANYTHING he needs to do to stay sober. Four meetings a day and six on Sunday? Fine, whatever he needs for now to keep getting healthy. If he DOESN'T stay sober, we have no relationship anyway as I will leave, no ifs, ands or buts about it.

I also trust that, down the line, he may not need to pursue things quite that intensively and things will change, but unless and until he gets there, it is foolish for me to think of him pursuing recovery as "taking time away from ME."

If your A wants to put limits on what YOU do to get YOURSELF healthy, that, to me, is a red flag.

Maybe too black and white, but that is how I feel about it.

SomewhereElse

Thanks for all of your replies. I really need to keep the focus on me. I'm glad that he wants to spend time with me, but I need a lot of help with my issues right now, so I need a lot of meetings. I am starting therapy tomorrow, and I've made that appt in the morning so it won't interfere with our time together. I also attend another AA meeting one morning a week. I really like the Al-Anon meeting on Wednesday night though...a lot of the people from my Monday night meeting are there, so I feel more at home, even though I've only been there twice.
Maybe I need to explain it to him so he doesn't feel slighted. I'm sure he will pout at first, but if he truly stands by his "as long as your happy," he shouldn't mind me squeezing in an additional meeting when I need one.

LifeRecovery

I don't meant this to come out that he has to be in recovery for you to benefit from meetings.

However if he is not in recovery for me him drinking and me being there to be a witness to it was not "together" time. It took a long time for me to realize that we might be in the same room, but one of us was not present.