Where I'm at and how I got here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 36
Where I'm at and how I got here
I guess I have to start somewhere, so the beginning seems like a good place.
My wife is an addict. She relapsed after over ten years of sobriety. It is true that they pick up where they left off. Her addiction came back worse than ever. My daughter is also an addict. She also relapsed within a couple of years of treatment. Again, worse than ever. Her life was chaos. My son is an addict. He showed all the signs as a teenager, and then began having adult problems. Last year he was looking at ten years to serve. Several felony counts, possession and sale. We all live together. I'm a codependent. Big surprise there.
Life was a nightmare for five years. Felony arrests, a DUI, lies, theft, attorney fees, court costs, fines, bail, impound fees, etc. One morning at 3am I woke up and my AW was gone. Nowhere in the house. Found her in the front yard in the front seat of her car, passed out of course. The car had been wrecked. She didn't remember anything the next day. She thought one of our adult children had wrecked the car. The police were regulars at our house. Always a warrant or investigation involving my son. One day they even tried to arrest me. My son was named after me and they were going by the name on the warrant when I identified myself at the front door. Anyway, you get the picture. It was a constant hell for five years. Constant...
Then, about two years ago my AW called and wanted to talk. She and our daughter decided they both needed to go into treatment. I wonder what their first clue was. Now, I learned the hard way that addicts are expensive. I know this shouldn't be about the money, but there it is. I'd run up $60k in debt over the five years of addiction on all the aforementioned expenses. Now I was on the front end of what would be five treatment programs. Two inpatient, and three outpatient. My AS eventually consented to go into treatment, but only so we'd have something to show the judge at trial. He still didn't think he had a problem. He just liked to drink and do drugs like all his friends. He was doing them a favor by selling them drugs. What a good guy.
Well they've all been clean and sober for over a year now. Going to AA meetings, working their program, calling their sponsors. To make amends to me they all said they were sorry. Now, I don't want to sound unappreciative, but that seemed kind of weak. I don't know what I wanted them to do, but "I'm sorry" doesn't even scratch the surface.
I'm thankful they are all sober. But now, I seem to be the problem. Distant and difficult. Withdrawn. Solitary. They say they don't understand me and, frankly, neither do I. I'm certainly not the man I was before all this happened. Life is better, but I'm not.
So, that's where I'm at now, and how I got here. I know there's a lot I need to do for myself. I think this is a good start. I feel better for just having shared this. Thank you all for bearing with me. This wasn't easy.
My wife is an addict. She relapsed after over ten years of sobriety. It is true that they pick up where they left off. Her addiction came back worse than ever. My daughter is also an addict. She also relapsed within a couple of years of treatment. Again, worse than ever. Her life was chaos. My son is an addict. He showed all the signs as a teenager, and then began having adult problems. Last year he was looking at ten years to serve. Several felony counts, possession and sale. We all live together. I'm a codependent. Big surprise there.
Life was a nightmare for five years. Felony arrests, a DUI, lies, theft, attorney fees, court costs, fines, bail, impound fees, etc. One morning at 3am I woke up and my AW was gone. Nowhere in the house. Found her in the front yard in the front seat of her car, passed out of course. The car had been wrecked. She didn't remember anything the next day. She thought one of our adult children had wrecked the car. The police were regulars at our house. Always a warrant or investigation involving my son. One day they even tried to arrest me. My son was named after me and they were going by the name on the warrant when I identified myself at the front door. Anyway, you get the picture. It was a constant hell for five years. Constant...
Then, about two years ago my AW called and wanted to talk. She and our daughter decided they both needed to go into treatment. I wonder what their first clue was. Now, I learned the hard way that addicts are expensive. I know this shouldn't be about the money, but there it is. I'd run up $60k in debt over the five years of addiction on all the aforementioned expenses. Now I was on the front end of what would be five treatment programs. Two inpatient, and three outpatient. My AS eventually consented to go into treatment, but only so we'd have something to show the judge at trial. He still didn't think he had a problem. He just liked to drink and do drugs like all his friends. He was doing them a favor by selling them drugs. What a good guy.
Well they've all been clean and sober for over a year now. Going to AA meetings, working their program, calling their sponsors. To make amends to me they all said they were sorry. Now, I don't want to sound unappreciative, but that seemed kind of weak. I don't know what I wanted them to do, but "I'm sorry" doesn't even scratch the surface.
I'm thankful they are all sober. But now, I seem to be the problem. Distant and difficult. Withdrawn. Solitary. They say they don't understand me and, frankly, neither do I. I'm certainly not the man I was before all this happened. Life is better, but I'm not.
So, that's where I'm at now, and how I got here. I know there's a lot I need to do for myself. I think this is a good start. I feel better for just having shared this. Thank you all for bearing with me. This wasn't easy.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I think you found the right place,
I think we can all relate to how you are feeling in one way or another.If you haven't yet, start by reading through the stickeys at the top of this forum, they contain tons of amazing shared information & experiences.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: In my library
Posts: 83
Welcome, Yancy. 
You are right that there is a lot you need to do for yourself now, and also that posting here is a great start! You'll find a lot of good help and support, and even friends, here.
You've been through a heck of a lot, it's completely natural that you feel the way you do. Be gentle with yourself. If you work at it healing will come with time.
You are right that there is a lot you need to do for yourself now, and also that posting here is a great start! You'll find a lot of good help and support, and even friends, here.
You've been through a heck of a lot, it's completely natural that you feel the way you do. Be gentle with yourself. If you work at it healing will come with time.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Welcome. This is a great place for support.
I am an alcoholic, and this statement rings so true to me:
Everyone in a 12 step program need to understand that an amends is not equal to an apology. An amends almost always includes an apology, but a true amends goes way farther than that. If you stole money, or caused monetary damage - pay it back. If you bad mouthed or lied about someone in front of others - set the record straight, publicly. I could go on and on about this subject.
The truth is many of the people we alkies/addicts have harmed we can never fully make amends to, but we should do as much as we can, when we can. Maybe 20 years down the road when things are better we can make amends, but we are never off the hook just because we said "sorry" early in recovery.
I am an alcoholic, and this statement rings so true to me:
To make amends to me they all said they were sorry. Now, I don't want to sound unappreciative, but that seemed kind of weak. I don't know what I wanted them to do, but "I'm sorry" doesn't even scratch the surface.
The truth is many of the people we alkies/addicts have harmed we can never fully make amends to, but we should do as much as we can, when we can. Maybe 20 years down the road when things are better we can make amends, but we are never off the hook just because we said "sorry" early in recovery.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hi Yancy. Thank you for sharing what I am sure is hard to type out and feel.
While my extreme is not nearly that extreme, (my AH racked up about $20k total), I can completely understand the bitterness you fee. And I do think that is what it is. It seems too easy, they just get to say i'm sorry while you are still paying and suffering from what happened mentally.
We are in counseling together right now and I have been honest with both my AH and the counselor. I have a huge mountain of resentment I don't know that I will ever be able to chip away. I can look around it sometimes, but it is always there. It has changed me. I am no longer the light hearted person I was before. I feel as though part of me has been taken away and I don't really know that I can be ok with that and get past resenting for that.
I am working on me. I am getting help. Progress is progress. I give it to God one day and I take it back a couple days later...but it is getting better. I don't know if it will ever work and I have come to a point to be able to accept that. I accept that I don't know and that I have to just get through today, one moment at a time.
I am glad you found this board. The support here is amazing. However, it is only a tool. I hope you have a face to face support system for yourself. Let yourself heal.
God Bless!
While my extreme is not nearly that extreme, (my AH racked up about $20k total), I can completely understand the bitterness you fee. And I do think that is what it is. It seems too easy, they just get to say i'm sorry while you are still paying and suffering from what happened mentally.
We are in counseling together right now and I have been honest with both my AH and the counselor. I have a huge mountain of resentment I don't know that I will ever be able to chip away. I can look around it sometimes, but it is always there. It has changed me. I am no longer the light hearted person I was before. I feel as though part of me has been taken away and I don't really know that I can be ok with that and get past resenting for that.
I am working on me. I am getting help. Progress is progress. I give it to God one day and I take it back a couple days later...but it is getting better. I don't know if it will ever work and I have come to a point to be able to accept that. I accept that I don't know and that I have to just get through today, one moment at a time.
I am glad you found this board. The support here is amazing. However, it is only a tool. I hope you have a face to face support system for yourself. Let yourself heal.
God Bless!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Yancy 
I guess I have to start somewhere, so the beginning seems like a good place.
My wife is an addict. She relapsed after over ten years of sobriety. It is true that they pick up where they left off. Her addiction came back worse than ever.
My wife is an addict. She relapsed after over ten years of sobriety. It is true that they pick up where they left off. Her addiction came back worse than ever.
My daughter is also an addict. She also relapsed within a couple of years of treatment. Again, worse than ever. Her life was chaos. My son is an addict. He showed all the signs as a teenager, and then began having adult problems. Last year he was looking at ten years to serve. Several felony counts, possession and sale. We all live together. I'm a codependent. Big surprise there.
Our 9 y.o. Cub Scout has some early markers. I am on that like Stink on . . . . make that White on Rice.
Life was a nightmare for five years.
Ours has all been mostly underground, back-stab mind f's for everyone.
Well they've all been clean and sober for over a year now. Going to AA meetings, working their program, calling their sponsors. To make amends to me they all said they were sorry. Now, I don't want to sound unappreciative, but that seemed kind of weak. I don't know what I wanted them to do, but "I'm sorry" doesn't even scratch the surface.
I'm thankful they are all sober. But now, I seem to be the problem. Distant and difficult. Withdrawn. Solitary.
They say they don't understand me and, frankly, neither do I.
They say they don't understand me and, frankly, neither do I.
You are staying outside the idiot As' Blast Radius.
VERY GOOD Survival Skills. Super.
Even if your brains do not have the sense to stay "safe," at least your heart does.
I'm certainly not the man I was before all this happened. Life is better, but I'm not.
So, that's where I'm at now, and how I got here. I know there's a lot I need to do for myself. I think this is a good start. I feel better for just having shared this. Thank you all for bearing with me. This wasn't easy.
I would give you an excellent prognosis of Full Recovery.
You are open and honest, and that carries you most of the way, once you get started.
Did I follow that you have or have not started Alanon?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Great post Yancy. Sounds like you've been through the ringer. Glad your peeps are on track with their recovery programs. What about you? Have you done anything for yourself? It's easy to get caught in all the drama of others and lose yourself- you said you're not the man you used to be. Have you tried a program for yourself? Alanon or some such? I've been going for a couple of weeks now, and even just those few meetings have helped me a lot. ME ME ME! Because you gotta do something for you, besides hope for amends that may be untimely in coming, if they come at all. Best wishes and thanks again for posting.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Well, since your family hasn't said it so far...I'll say it...
You're a HERO! Way over the call of duty to get all those family members out of trouble, take care of their troubles...and pay their way...
You deserve to be recognized for the hero you are. Maybe they won't say it, maybe they won't act like it, but I see it...you've endured so much for them.
I don't know you but just that post on all you have put up with, loved them anyway...you're a hero and I don't know how to say it better wish I could...
Yes someone recognizes all you have done...I do...reading your post. I think you need and deserve validation.
Why do you feel withdrawn now? You put up with all that malarkey for so long...why couldn't they get it together and act with rationality and responsibility all along? Why did you have to endure all that? Why do they recognize they need to act sanely now instead of all along!
I get it. Keep voicing it. You've had to stifle your call for sanity for so many years, and it may never make sense as to why, why, couldn't they have acted sane years ago.
It's recognition for the man that has seen them all through their troubles and they are not showing as much gratitude as you deserve...yes...you do deserve it.
Maybe they'll never say it. I just did.
What I'm getting at here is that sometimes WE have to recognize and give ourselves validation.
You just know, for yourself, that you did all those things. If you know it...and you validate it...and you recognize it...with strength...maybe feeling that validation within yourself is MORE important than hearing it from them.
You're a HERO! Way over the call of duty to get all those family members out of trouble, take care of their troubles...and pay their way...
You deserve to be recognized for the hero you are. Maybe they won't say it, maybe they won't act like it, but I see it...you've endured so much for them.
I don't know you but just that post on all you have put up with, loved them anyway...you're a hero and I don't know how to say it better wish I could...
Yes someone recognizes all you have done...I do...reading your post. I think you need and deserve validation.
Why do you feel withdrawn now? You put up with all that malarkey for so long...why couldn't they get it together and act with rationality and responsibility all along? Why did you have to endure all that? Why do they recognize they need to act sanely now instead of all along!
I get it. Keep voicing it. You've had to stifle your call for sanity for so many years, and it may never make sense as to why, why, couldn't they have acted sane years ago.
It's recognition for the man that has seen them all through their troubles and they are not showing as much gratitude as you deserve...yes...you do deserve it.
Maybe they'll never say it. I just did.
What I'm getting at here is that sometimes WE have to recognize and give ourselves validation.
You just know, for yourself, that you did all those things. If you know it...and you validate it...and you recognize it...with strength...maybe feeling that validation within yourself is MORE important than hearing it from them.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
You, Sir need a lovely 2 week vacation alone - somewhere tropical and peaceful - ALL expenses paid by the 3 recovering addicts in your life.
I don't have much advice for you other than to take care of yourself - mentally, spiritually, and physically. You took care of them, and now it's OK for you to be all about you right now. Take care - you'll find a lot of support here...OH, and glad your household had calmed down this year!
I don't have much advice for you other than to take care of yourself - mentally, spiritually, and physically. You took care of them, and now it's OK for you to be all about you right now. Take care - you'll find a lot of support here...OH, and glad your household had calmed down this year!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by firebolt
You, Sir need a lovely 2 week vacation alone - somewhere tropical and peaceful - ALL expenses paid by the 3 recovering addicts in your life.
Yeah. Fat Chance. He has the bums' bills to pay.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Welcome, Yancy!
Thank you for your post...I've read a few posts and I suspect you are farther along in recovery than you realize, but sounds like you really need some support and to know you are not alone.
My RAH relapsed after 17 years sober (I never knew him when he was drinking)...amazing how quickly it escalates!
Take time for you today...and every day!
Thank you for your post...I've read a few posts and I suspect you are farther along in recovery than you realize, but sounds like you really need some support and to know you are not alone.
My RAH relapsed after 17 years sober (I never knew him when he was drinking)...amazing how quickly it escalates!
Take time for you today...and every day!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by BlueSkies1
That's what promissory notes are for...!
(Make sure there's collateral in case they renege)
(Make sure there's collateral in case they renege)
hahahaha.
You are new to this game.
He only has 4 pockets on his pants, and there are bums in 3 of them.
He only has one pocket left -- with his wallet . . . but the bums have it targeted, and he can only write IOUs to himself.
He is the only collateral in the mix.
---------------------------------
Put in more Alanon terms.
A Promissory Note from a Drunk is a BIG Resentment in the making.
---------------------------------
Hey Yancy, sorry for messing your thread.
We have fun sometimes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 36
To everybody
I posted early this morning not knowing what to expect. I checked back early this afternoon and read all the replies. They all brought tears to my eyes. The good kind. Not the ones I'm used to. Thank you all SO much. After reading all the replies I left the office early. Took a drive. Some quiet time, reflecting on all I'd been told. I found myself smiling off and on. My old smile. It felt good. I hope I can return as much to this group as I've received in this one single day.
My next stop will be Al Anon. I've never been to a meeting. All the voices of experience seem to recommend this. I'll let you all know how it goes. In the mean time I'll be reading stickys.
My next stop will be Al Anon. I've never been to a meeting. All the voices of experience seem to recommend this. I'll let you all know how it goes. In the mean time I'll be reading stickys.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
Just my opinion but it seems to me that you thrive on "fixing it". Now that your family is sober, and maintaining, you don't have anything to do or don't know what your role in the family is anymore. I'd say to the family, you gave them years to work out when they were ready to get sober, they need to give you time to figure out how to live with a sober family.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,851
You really couldn't have found a better online forum than SR. There are so many wise and wonderful people here who have gone through hell, just like you have, and want to help others going through it.
Reading the stickies is a great start. Post often and soak in the experience, strength and hope that is offered here on a daily basis. You are among friends here. Welcome.
Reading the stickies is a great start. Post often and soak in the experience, strength and hope that is offered here on a daily basis. You are among friends here. Welcome.
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