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Shattered relationships and self esteem. How to rebuild?

Old 11-07-2013, 01:25 AM
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Shattered relationships and self esteem. How to rebuild?

Binge drinking has put a real strain on my relationships with my partner and with my friends. I'm a different person when I'm really drunk and I say and do some really hurtful, thoughtless things. The worst part is that I don't remember doing a lot of these things, I can only see how the way I have acted has pained the ones I love. What kind of friend am I?

How do you rebuild after this? I don't know how I can make up for the things I've done. I don't want people to believe that 'drunk K' is a true representation of the real me, I seem to do a complete 180 on my true personality when I've had too many. I say and do things that completely contradict my morals and beliefs. It leaves me feeling like I've lost a sense of who I really am, and it sounds cliche, but I don't know myself anymore.

When I think about all of these things I've done, I feel ashamed and disgusted. I don't feel I deserve anything good in life. How will others forgive me and support me through trying to change my life for the better? And how can I make my peace with this? Because I can't forgive myself and I can't see a way out. Every day is filled with this feeling of worthlessness and self hatred.

This is all a bit deep for a Thursday morning but I couldn't deal with it buzzing around in my head.
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Old 11-07-2013, 01:42 AM
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None of us can change who we were or what we've done but we can change who we are and what we do next.
People will soon come to respect and admire the new you who has given up the beast in order to have a better life and stronger more solid relationships.
Keep fighting the good fight and show em what your made of!
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Old 11-07-2013, 01:53 AM
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As someone who is here for family and friends support, I can tell you from the other side of the fence, you will earn more love and respect from those you have hurt, just by becoming better. It is your road to change for you, not for anyone else. It is a long road, one you will never be alone on, and I personally thank you for posting this. I wish you the best, theres a bright light at the end of that tunnel, just keep heading for it.
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Old 11-07-2013, 02:02 AM
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The first thing to do in order to repair your relationships is to not drink. The rest will come with a little work, but not picking up that first drink is the most important part.
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Old 11-07-2013, 02:24 AM
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I had to learn that, as much as I wanted to, I couldn't change a second of the past.
I had to accept that what was, was.

The good news is there's a lot we can do about today. I made my life a kind of living amends - not to get people to forgive me or love me again but because I wanted to make my life matter, to make it count from here on in.

The more I did that, the less the past mattered - I will never forget, but I have forgiven myself - and, as an added bonus, several others came to forgive me too.

It's not an overnight process but it will happen if you commit to it

D
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Old 11-07-2013, 02:30 AM
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Not drinking will be the key to rebuilding and building good relationships.
I had to learn that some relationships are beyond repair; some relationships could be rebuilt, but had to be let go because sobriety had to be the priority; and some could be repaired and grow into something better. Sometimes these repairs happened quickly and sometimes slowly. I had have to focus on what I can do to repair each relationship, usually by repairing me, but also recognize when there is nothing I can do.
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Old 11-07-2013, 02:37 AM
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I think the worst part is knowing what it is like on the other side of the fence, my mother is a dependent alcoholic and I remember how much I was hurt by her. I never thought I'd have problems with alcohol because I was so aware of how it completely destroyed my family and childhood. Turns out you don't have to be dependent on it for it to destroy your life.

Thanks for all you're kind words and support.

K
Xx
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Old 11-07-2013, 04:08 AM
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For years, apophylite (It's not a rock, Marie, it's a mineral), I drank to deal with my shame and guilt. And that only lead to more shame and guilt, and other bad stuff too. I grew more and more depressed and anxious as well until it finally came to a head and I needed to try a different approach and face my crap sober. Or I was going to die, sick and alone.

I decided I needed a fresh start, and I was going to make one, dammit. I decided I could live with my mistakes if I never repeated them, and this lead to their acceptance. It was, after all, the best I could do. This best turned out to be so much better than I could have imagined.

There was a time when I was a huge embarrassment and a disappointment to my wife and especially to my daughters, but my achievement now shows my girls what the human spirit can achieve, that we can each decide to make a new way of living and to change something as ingrained as alcoholism.

Apophylite, please take a look at this: Timshel. It is a story that is thousands of years old, and it explains that we can become great, that we can triumph. We can choose our course, and fight through it, and win.

Best to you.
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Old 11-07-2013, 04:26 AM
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Hi Organised, the people I was closest to didn't say much when I was detoxing. i trudged along quietly. After substantial sobertime, they congratulated me. Sobertime heals relationships. You can regain trust. Sobertime shows them you are serious. You can do this. Best wishes.
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Old 11-07-2013, 06:16 AM
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"How will others forgive me and support me through trying to change my life for the better? And how can I make my peace with this? Because I can't forgive myself and I can't see a way out. Every day is filled with this feeling of worthlessness and self hatred."

This will all take time. Staying sober is the only thing you can do right now and with that they will gradually take you seriously and trust will be re-built. You have to believe that you can do this and that you deserve sobriety. The past is the past, now you need to build your future.
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Old 11-07-2013, 06:25 AM
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Get sober. Stay sober. Rebuild slowly, but surely. Make amends, treat rejection and acceptance equally kindly. Allow others time to come around and see that you've changed. Do not wallow in guilt.
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Old 11-07-2013, 06:32 AM
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I was like you. A totally different mean and angry person drunk, who said terrible things to my husband and felt remorse but kept drinking.

When I finally, really stopped drinking I stopped thinking and saying those things. It took time, but I will never forget after a year or so of sobriety my husband said to me "You are so nice now" and meant it.

It took sobertime and care, as others have mentioned.
I still have things to work on and we both have healing to do, but I would never have thought it possible when I first decided to accept responsiblity for my drinking and what I did drinking and to turn it around.
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Old 11-07-2013, 07:43 AM
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I can only change my behavior. I can't change my past behavior or the feelings and reactions of others.

That step of honest responsibility was the first step to sobriety for me. I had to let go of trying to control everything and everyone, and focus on what I had not been doing. Controlling myself.

Some things healed in time, some didn't. I moved on from some people as I recovered. Others moved on from me.
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Old 11-07-2013, 07:51 AM
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As others have said, it begins with stopping drinking. Others will see the change in you and you can see the changes too. Hate alcohol, but not yourself. Alcohol is the enemy, like you said, I am only this way when I am drunk. To many have nice thoughts about a drink. Not me, it is the enemy and I will not put it in my body again. Best of luck and with time, it will get better.
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