child custody post-court update, and I'm not too happy...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
child custody post-court update, and I'm not too happy...
Hey everyone,
I browsed through some of the recent threads about people battling through the court system and the difficulty many of us have regarding child custody issues. I am keeping all of you in my thoughts <3 While we all would like to think that family law (and the justice system at large) strives for fairness and justice for all, that is often not the case.
A few months ago, I went to court with my XABF regarding custody of our three year old son. I was able to prove to the judge that my ex had an alcohol problem. I also documented the time he visited with our son (about five hours a week), and I testified that the visitation was always under my supervision. At that time, the judge gave my ex supervised visitation with no overnights, just a couple of hours every other weekend. HUGE, HUGE, HUUUUGE relief.
Today, we came back to court. I asked to maintain the custody schedule and for professional visitation due to his wife's failure to report my ex's drinking the night before one of his visits (I printed his Facebook status which proved this, and this violated the court order). While the judge expressed his dissatisfaction to my ex about his numerous Facebook postings with alcohol, the judge decided to grant supervised overnights with his wife as moderator, Saturdays from 10AM until Sunday at 4PM. I said I didn't feel comfortable with that due to his continued drinking, and the judge said, "He did not post the pictures during visitation." But...moderation doesn't work for an alcoholic!!!!!
As I mentioned in my previous post, my ex's wife threatened to assault me on Facebook. However, there was not enough time before today's hearing to file that information since that happened more recently. When the judge ordered the new visitation schedule with his wife as supervisor, my heart dropped.
After the hearing, I walked up to my ex and his wife. I blurted out, "I don't think it's appropriate that you threatened to assault me." Both my ex and his wife laughed and she rolled her eyes. So insensitive, so careless. As if I am nothing.
When I got home, my ex called me. "I want you to know that my wife really loves our son." (Oh really......she just loved our son so much that she knowingly cheated with my ex while I was pregnant, then continued the affair after our son was born, then after we broke up, they got married and had my son at their wedding without my knowledge...plus she drinks *with* him...AND she threatened me!) He then asked what I was talking about at court with the assault threats. I said that she posted those things online. He said, "I didn't know she posted that. You're the mother of my child, she needs to respect you. That's not right. I'm gonna bitch at her about this later."
My lawyer tried to help me put this in perspective, he said that he has seen much, much worse scenarios in his 20 years of experience, and that one overnight visit every other week really isn't that much time at all. He even suggested I should make arrangements to have my son visit with my ex during the upcoming holidays. I think that's a good idea too...
BUT, now that I am informed about alcoholism, I do fear what may happen with my son in the care of an active alcoholic and a codependent enabler (who also admitted to me that she "used to drink too much") who will NOT report any drinking to me. (Too bad the judge didn't see it that way.) I can only put my faith in my HP that my son will be safe and accept that things are how they should be. At the same time, I still feel scared and let down. I've really just been struggling with this all day.
Sigh.
I browsed through some of the recent threads about people battling through the court system and the difficulty many of us have regarding child custody issues. I am keeping all of you in my thoughts <3 While we all would like to think that family law (and the justice system at large) strives for fairness and justice for all, that is often not the case.
A few months ago, I went to court with my XABF regarding custody of our three year old son. I was able to prove to the judge that my ex had an alcohol problem. I also documented the time he visited with our son (about five hours a week), and I testified that the visitation was always under my supervision. At that time, the judge gave my ex supervised visitation with no overnights, just a couple of hours every other weekend. HUGE, HUGE, HUUUUGE relief.
Today, we came back to court. I asked to maintain the custody schedule and for professional visitation due to his wife's failure to report my ex's drinking the night before one of his visits (I printed his Facebook status which proved this, and this violated the court order). While the judge expressed his dissatisfaction to my ex about his numerous Facebook postings with alcohol, the judge decided to grant supervised overnights with his wife as moderator, Saturdays from 10AM until Sunday at 4PM. I said I didn't feel comfortable with that due to his continued drinking, and the judge said, "He did not post the pictures during visitation." But...moderation doesn't work for an alcoholic!!!!!
As I mentioned in my previous post, my ex's wife threatened to assault me on Facebook. However, there was not enough time before today's hearing to file that information since that happened more recently. When the judge ordered the new visitation schedule with his wife as supervisor, my heart dropped.
After the hearing, I walked up to my ex and his wife. I blurted out, "I don't think it's appropriate that you threatened to assault me." Both my ex and his wife laughed and she rolled her eyes. So insensitive, so careless. As if I am nothing.
When I got home, my ex called me. "I want you to know that my wife really loves our son." (Oh really......she just loved our son so much that she knowingly cheated with my ex while I was pregnant, then continued the affair after our son was born, then after we broke up, they got married and had my son at their wedding without my knowledge...plus she drinks *with* him...AND she threatened me!) He then asked what I was talking about at court with the assault threats. I said that she posted those things online. He said, "I didn't know she posted that. You're the mother of my child, she needs to respect you. That's not right. I'm gonna bitch at her about this later."
My lawyer tried to help me put this in perspective, he said that he has seen much, much worse scenarios in his 20 years of experience, and that one overnight visit every other week really isn't that much time at all. He even suggested I should make arrangements to have my son visit with my ex during the upcoming holidays. I think that's a good idea too...
BUT, now that I am informed about alcoholism, I do fear what may happen with my son in the care of an active alcoholic and a codependent enabler (who also admitted to me that she "used to drink too much") who will NOT report any drinking to me. (Too bad the judge didn't see it that way.) I can only put my faith in my HP that my son will be safe and accept that things are how they should be. At the same time, I still feel scared and let down. I've really just been struggling with this all day.
Sigh.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
There are sobriety monitoring systems that take breathalyzers during real time via online camera systems that can be ordered by the court if you can produce enough evidence that he is drinking during visitation.
Does he pick the child up for visitation? Can you observe and talk to him prior to pick up to make sure he doesn't appear intoxicated or reek of booze? I suggest you always try to observe him pick up the child so you get this opportunity to check this out.
If you become suspicious or can develop more evidence you can hopefully get the alcohol monitoring system ordered to get random tests during visitation.
Does he pick the child up for visitation? Can you observe and talk to him prior to pick up to make sure he doesn't appear intoxicated or reek of booze? I suggest you always try to observe him pick up the child so you get this opportunity to check this out.
If you become suspicious or can develop more evidence you can hopefully get the alcohol monitoring system ordered to get random tests during visitation.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HOPEWORKS---CAN THIS REALLY BE TRUE??!!---about the realtime breathalizers via online camera systems!!
This is great news--to me (I am not very electronically savvy). Personally, I don't have young children, any m ore, to worry about this. But, I read about the nightmares that others, on this forum, go through.
In the interest of general education---could you post about how one could find out more about such devices? What states?
WOW. Knowledge is power.
dandylion
This is great news--to me (I am not very electronically savvy). Personally, I don't have young children, any m ore, to worry about this. But, I read about the nightmares that others, on this forum, go through.
In the interest of general education---could you post about how one could find out more about such devices? What states?
WOW. Knowledge is power.
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Thanks, Hopeworks. He posted numerous pictures of his alcoholic drinks, but he did not post them during the time he had visitation with our son. So I don't actually have any evidence that he drank *during* visitation. Also, he did not appear drunk or smell of alcohol during pick up/drop off for his visitations. This is a HUGE improvement from before, where he would often conceal alcohol in a coffee mug and constantly smell like alcohol and be hungover around our son. Sadly, I was also complicit in this mess because I shouldn't have even allowed him around our son during those times, but I thank God every day that I hit my rock bottom, had a break through, and I found recovery. (I'm an ACOC; I still have lots to work through but I am miles away from where I used to be pre-recovery. The biggest lesson I have learned is that my family's crazy dynamics are unhealthy and I am constantly learning about tools and new healthy behaviors so I can break the cycle with my son.)
I am thanking my HP there is improvement, yet I know my XABF through and through. In the ten years I have known him, he has always been an active A, and he *always always always* covers up his dirty tracks. For example, several years ago, he told me that he was once drunk and driving his mother's car at around 2AM one night when he rear-ended another car. The people in the other car stopped and got out, obviously very upset. He jumped out of the car and ran back to the friend's house that he had just driven away from and simply abandoned the car in the street. The next day, he convinced his mother to file a police report stating that her car was stolen. Presto! He was off scott-free.
My point is that while he managed to not appear drunk or smell like alcohol during drop off/pick ups for his visitation recently, the fact is that he is still an active alcoholic. It makes me stomach hurt to know that someday, he will slip up big time again and something terrible will happen...unless he seriously seeks recovery, and that may never happen.
At the same time, I have to admit that my ex pulled on my heartstrings yesterday during court. After the judge made the ruling, my ex clumsily asked if there was any way he could see our son more, that it isn't enough time. It's good he is asking for more time, right? But then I think about the time when I was pregnant and after our son was born, when he was cheating on me, constantly drinking and partying with friends, and left me to do 95% of the parenting. (He was even drunk during the baby shower and hungover during the birth.) I remember how he took a vacation to Mexico and missed our son's first Christmas, and he had the audacity to call me from Mexico and tell me about how he was "getting F*cked up" on alcohol. I remember how he failed to show up at the emergency room, when our son was 1 1/2 years old and he was very sick with pneumonia and my ex was out drinking with his buddies instead of being there for his son. I think about how he didn't follow through with our plans for our son's second birthday, we were supposed to go to the zoo but he showed up very late that afternoon, hungover and smelling strongly like alcohol. I remember how often he would cancel visits, in order to go to football games and party with friends and go on vacation. I remember how, just a few months ago, he forcibly entered the apartment (without my permission) that I shared with my son in the middle of the night, and he so drunk he could barely walk, and how terrified I was when he told me the next day "I'm an alcoholic and I'm never going to change and our son has to get used to seeing me this way."
I've seen the length he will go to have his way, to cover things up, to manipulate, and avoid doing the hard work of improvement or recovery or even parenting. And I know his crazy behavior will continue since he is an active A.
I'm feeling so down. I need to work through my feelings and keep moving forward.
I am thanking my HP there is improvement, yet I know my XABF through and through. In the ten years I have known him, he has always been an active A, and he *always always always* covers up his dirty tracks. For example, several years ago, he told me that he was once drunk and driving his mother's car at around 2AM one night when he rear-ended another car. The people in the other car stopped and got out, obviously very upset. He jumped out of the car and ran back to the friend's house that he had just driven away from and simply abandoned the car in the street. The next day, he convinced his mother to file a police report stating that her car was stolen. Presto! He was off scott-free.
My point is that while he managed to not appear drunk or smell like alcohol during drop off/pick ups for his visitation recently, the fact is that he is still an active alcoholic. It makes me stomach hurt to know that someday, he will slip up big time again and something terrible will happen...unless he seriously seeks recovery, and that may never happen.
At the same time, I have to admit that my ex pulled on my heartstrings yesterday during court. After the judge made the ruling, my ex clumsily asked if there was any way he could see our son more, that it isn't enough time. It's good he is asking for more time, right? But then I think about the time when I was pregnant and after our son was born, when he was cheating on me, constantly drinking and partying with friends, and left me to do 95% of the parenting. (He was even drunk during the baby shower and hungover during the birth.) I remember how he took a vacation to Mexico and missed our son's first Christmas, and he had the audacity to call me from Mexico and tell me about how he was "getting F*cked up" on alcohol. I remember how he failed to show up at the emergency room, when our son was 1 1/2 years old and he was very sick with pneumonia and my ex was out drinking with his buddies instead of being there for his son. I think about how he didn't follow through with our plans for our son's second birthday, we were supposed to go to the zoo but he showed up very late that afternoon, hungover and smelling strongly like alcohol. I remember how often he would cancel visits, in order to go to football games and party with friends and go on vacation. I remember how, just a few months ago, he forcibly entered the apartment (without my permission) that I shared with my son in the middle of the night, and he so drunk he could barely walk, and how terrified I was when he told me the next day "I'm an alcoholic and I'm never going to change and our son has to get used to seeing me this way."
I've seen the length he will go to have his way, to cover things up, to manipulate, and avoid doing the hard work of improvement or recovery or even parenting. And I know his crazy behavior will continue since he is an active A.
I'm feeling so down. I need to work through my feelings and keep moving forward.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
I am not a fan of Facebook. I have seen it turn adults into squabbling children, assist in fostering affairs, etc. And it is a codependent's paradise. Do yourself a favor and don't look at his or her pages, it will only lead to your mind running out of control.
Aside from that, I hope that he and her keep your kid safe and healthy while under their care and supervision.
Aside from that, I hope that he and her keep your kid safe and healthy while under their care and supervision.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 109
Dandylion, yes those devices exist and they are so helpful!!
I have arranged for my ex to use Soberlink, similar to one of the devices Hopeworks mentioned. It is a huge relief to have him use that. He has to test every 6 hours when he has the kids (every other weekend). The schedule and results are monitored by Soberlink, and I can also look at the results real time online. I will get an alert text if he misses a test or tests positive. I had to fight pretty hard to get it, none of the attorneys knew about it. It was far above and beyond what people in my state do, but I don't care, I'll be a grizzly bear mom before I have to leave my 3 angels with an alcoholic.
But so far it has worked out very well and given me great peace of mind.
Butterfly, don't give up on keeping your son safe. Working with the courts can be frustrating, but hear the quacking for what it is, and stay your course. You know better than anyone what your son needs.
I have arranged for my ex to use Soberlink, similar to one of the devices Hopeworks mentioned. It is a huge relief to have him use that. He has to test every 6 hours when he has the kids (every other weekend). The schedule and results are monitored by Soberlink, and I can also look at the results real time online. I will get an alert text if he misses a test or tests positive. I had to fight pretty hard to get it, none of the attorneys knew about it. It was far above and beyond what people in my state do, but I don't care, I'll be a grizzly bear mom before I have to leave my 3 angels with an alcoholic.
But so far it has worked out very well and given me great peace of mind.
Butterfly, don't give up on keeping your son safe. Working with the courts can be frustrating, but hear the quacking for what it is, and stay your course. You know better than anyone what your son needs.
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