Brenda27

Hi, I am new to the forum and I am hoping to be able to talk with someone who has similar experiences...
My father is currently in the hospital, on a ventilator, and obviously is not doing well. He is in his 50s and has been an alcoholic for my entire life. The doctor does not expect him to get through this but he has been in this situation, multiple times before, and somehow made it through. Literally, a walking miracle. This time however, I have found myself hoping that I get the call from the doctor telling me this fight is over. I am so tired of being here, in this place, not knowing if this time, when the number pops up, I am going to get the news that he is gone. His life is miserable. My grandmother passed away a few years ago and he has completely gone downhill (farther anyway) since. My grandpa and my uncle both died from complications due to alcoholism and he is determined to be the same. He has diabetes, Alzheimer's with dementia, Hep, among other things and has completely surrounded himself with other alcoholics. Yes, his life is miserable.
The problem, is really, I do hope, every time I get a call, that this is over. I have so much guilt about this. Everyone around me says "well that's just because you don't want him to suffer anymore", which is part of it but really, I am just tired of suffering from the fall out of his disease. I was always a Daddy's girl, although forever heartbroken and abandoned by him, and even now as an adult, I can't seem to let go of what never really was.
Is there anyone out there that feels the same? I think really I needed to admit my feelings to someone who might actually believe me when I say I am ready for this to be over and not try to make it sound better...

Mango blast

He's been gone from you for a long time already. Alcoholism and the diseases it brought with it have seen to that. It's not wrong for you to want to be done with your own suffering from this.

AH has been in the trauma ward twice in the past two years. Each time I had hope because he had survived and was temporarily sober. But then he'd start drinking again. Honestly, when I don't know if he'll live or not, a part of me can't help but feel that at least it'd be over and I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. It would be a relief. I don't want him to die, I really really don't want the kids to lose their dad, but your story is what I fear we are heading towards. Yes, I would be so very ready to be free from that. I'm already partway there. He was sober last week, but he's four days into a bender again and is a shell of himself.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your dad. Thanks for posting and reaching out. We do understand around here.

Strange thing is, people think I handle it so well when we're in a crisis. What they don't realize is that part is easy. Deal with what's at hand and with someone who's sober. The day-to-day living with an active A in your life is what's hard.

Upsetnneedhelp

Brenda, it is not selfish to think that way. I once had a uncle that was a terrible drunk. In and out of ICU hospitals yet continued to live and drink. Enough is enough and say goodbye.

NWGRITS

Welcome, Brenda! Please feel free to join us in the Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents forum. There is a wealth of information and support from other ACoA. Read the stickies at the top of this forum and that one that can help you through this process.

Taking5

There is also a grief forum which may be of use to you.

Hawkeye13

My mom kept dodging the bullet for years. In and out of ICU and hospital for COPD from smoking and was an active alcoholic the entire time. I was constantly cleaning up her messes, literally shoveling dog s - - - and stacks of garbage out of her house when he was in hospital to make it livable to come home, visiting her in hospital and dealing with her aggression towards staff etc. . Later it was nursing home and home health care people, then just nursing home, and it nearly destroyed me and my marriage.

I was relieved for my sake, not just hers when she finally died.
I was relieved that my suffering dealing with her drunken selfish BS was finally over.

I do not feel guilty about that anymore. I did for awhile until I really processed the decades of crap she had put me through with her drinking and childish actions. Then I just decided I had done my best, so had she but she had a disease she would not address, and it was finally, thankfully over.

Don't feel bad. Take care of yourself, work on forgiving him down the road, and move on with you life. You deserve it.

Thumper

Don't be so hard on yourself. Your feelings are very human and very normal. It is actually quite common to feel that way near the end of someone's life if they take a lot of our emotional and physical energy and/or time, regardless of alcoholism. ****{hug}}}

I agree with those that say the other forums might provide you with a lot of support at this time.

lillamy

You sound like my daughter. She tried. And tried. And tried. With her father. She got to the point where she said, "Mom -- I know he won't ever be a good father. But I still love him. I still want to make an attempt to have some kind of relationship with him."

A week later he beat the crap out of her in a drunken rage.

What her therapist told her -- and me -- is that it is so, so, so important to put the responsibility where it belongs. It is not your fault that your father has turned his life into the mess it is. It is not anything in you that has made him abandon you.

Try as you might, you can't get love out of a person who has lost the ability to love. You can only know that somewhere in there, back there in time, before the booze took his brain and heart away from him, he DID love you. He DOES love you. And the wreck he is now can't. No matter how much you want him to. No matter how hard you try.

All my kids have said at one point or another that they wish their dad could just die already because (my youngest one said) "it would be easier to grieve someone who is dead than someone who makes you wish he was."

Lots of love to you.

DoubleBarrel

When life has no more quality, and the future holds nothing but more pain and misery, death is a comforting relief.

It is a natural process we all must go through.

Hoping that someone is released from the bondage of their own body at that point is kindness and empathy.

Shining~Again

I can say without a shadow of a doubt, what you feel is completely normal in this type of situation. I know that I and my very loved partner's mom, both found some comfort in knowing she was not suffering any longer. And not making us suffer either. No, it doesn't feel good to feel that way. Of course it doesn't. But it doesn't make you, me or anyone else a heartless or cruel or unloving person.
Take care of you...and this may be the time that you have to step back...far back, in order to stop this loop of pain he/his alcoholism, is causing you.
Take care