Wondering about moderation, read my before and after story
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: cardiff
Posts: 328
Wondering about moderation, read my before and after story
There are always posts from people wondering if they could go back on the drink and control it because they had done so well.
That was me....except i didn't post and ask opinion because i thought i knew myself and was confident in my choice to moderate.
Before moderating i had joined SR in a bit of desperate place but vowing to change. So i started at day one and found giving up pretty easy. This led me to believe the problem wasn't as bad i thought and that a few wines now and again wouldn't hurt. Whilst abstaining my life was fabulous. Six lovely weeks of sound sleep, clear headed, doing great at work and feeling so blessed that my family life had improved so much. Everything seemed brighter.
Then i did it, i poured that first wine and felt great that i only had two glasses. Then i left it a few days and had another two. A week or two then with nothing, and then a bender. My husband holding me up outside a bar whilst shouting at me for being in such a state. Two bottles of wine and no memory of a wine trying to fight my sober husband for shouting at me. The shame and regret the next morning was immense and all consuming. So the next day i met girlfriend for lunch looking like i was at deaths door. Then i ordered a glass of wine to drink the shame away. Then i asked for a bottle.
The following day i didnt drink the shame away, i re joined SR. I started back at say one with all thoughts of moderation banished forever. I never want to feel like that again. To anyone flirting with moderating, its a like going down a dark tunnel that eventually leads you down to a deep dark hole.
I truly hope this thread helps someone wondering if they could just have the one. My advise to you is value the freedom sobriety brings you and hang on to it for dear life.
That was me....except i didn't post and ask opinion because i thought i knew myself and was confident in my choice to moderate.
Before moderating i had joined SR in a bit of desperate place but vowing to change. So i started at day one and found giving up pretty easy. This led me to believe the problem wasn't as bad i thought and that a few wines now and again wouldn't hurt. Whilst abstaining my life was fabulous. Six lovely weeks of sound sleep, clear headed, doing great at work and feeling so blessed that my family life had improved so much. Everything seemed brighter.
Then i did it, i poured that first wine and felt great that i only had two glasses. Then i left it a few days and had another two. A week or two then with nothing, and then a bender. My husband holding me up outside a bar whilst shouting at me for being in such a state. Two bottles of wine and no memory of a wine trying to fight my sober husband for shouting at me. The shame and regret the next morning was immense and all consuming. So the next day i met girlfriend for lunch looking like i was at deaths door. Then i ordered a glass of wine to drink the shame away. Then i asked for a bottle.
The following day i didnt drink the shame away, i re joined SR. I started back at say one with all thoughts of moderation banished forever. I never want to feel like that again. To anyone flirting with moderating, its a like going down a dark tunnel that eventually leads you down to a deep dark hole.
I truly hope this thread helps someone wondering if they could just have the one. My advise to you is value the freedom sobriety brings you and hang on to it for dear life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
Thanks for the post, apophylite. At Day 72, I still have the moderation conversation in my head several times a day. I never got a DUI, never got fired from a job, I have made it this long without a drink so maybe I am not an alcoholic after all, etc., etc. I grow tired of having this constant moderation debate with myself. Over and over. You would think that hearing story after story of failed attempts to moderate would allow me to figure it out.
Anyway, for those of us who haven't figured it out yet, your story of failed moderation is another timely reminder that this moderation debate inside our head should be put to rest. Once and for all.
Anyway, for those of us who haven't figured it out yet, your story of failed moderation is another timely reminder that this moderation debate inside our head should be put to rest. Once and for all.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I tried to drink normally so many times it wasn't funny. 
Always failed. Always ended up drunk in the morning/middle of the day/and at night. It was a lot easier to quit altogether than to moderate. 
Always failed. Always ended up drunk in the morning/middle of the day/and at night. It was a lot easier to quit altogether than to moderate. 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 3,313
Thank you for sharing, apophylite. At 97 days I am starting to have the moderation debate, especially with the holidays right around the corner. Oh how much I would love to be able to have a few glasses of wine on Thanksgiving, or some mimosas on Christmas, not to mention champagne on New Years Eve?? I can just leave it at that, right? Your post makes me think otherwise. Just doesn't seem worth the risk. Seems like a very dsngerous experiment for me to have. Thanks again for posting. I admire you for coming back
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
Posts: 425
It's not stopping drinking that's a problem. I stop days, weeks, months - it's starting, because once I start - it's days, weeks, months lost from my life. That's why we don't start - even in an asinine attempt to moderate.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Finger Lakes, NY
Posts: 521
I have tried to moderate sooo many times and always got the same results. Sooner or later I'd end up smashed, doing shameful things, blackouts, remorse the next day...you get the idea. This time it's day 4 for me and I think I've learned my lesson this time! I can't have just one, ever.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 345
apophylite - thanks so much for this message, i really wanted to drink today, it was driving me crazy, and i came home to an empty home (uh-oh, perfect setting to have a quiet drink...only one though). then i logged on and read this ...
thank you thank you thank you.
thank you thank you thank you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 638
Moderation is the temptation and illusion that we're in control of our addiction. We are not. Great people maybe, but still incapable of controlling an advanced thing like addiction.
Just adding my straws... I used to "believe" for years that I could moderate (surprise) and always thought "this time it will be different". It was never any different really. That's why I'm here today. Alcohol is one of the worst enemies you could ever have.
Just adding my straws... I used to "believe" for years that I could moderate (surprise) and always thought "this time it will be different". It was never any different really. That's why I'm here today. Alcohol is one of the worst enemies you could ever have.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,822
After so many times trying to quit and stay quit in the past, I came to see moderation as pretty much impossible for me.
What helps my thinking about attempting moderation now is that I changed my mindset. I do not see trying moderation as a choice to try and drink in a controlled fashion, I see it now as making the choice to be drunk but only once and awhile. My AV will have me see it as a choice to drink normally, the rational me has redefined moderation to mean drunk but only occasionally or for a short time.
Having acknowledged that I have a tremendous problem with intoxication and using the new definition of 'moderation' my AV has lost its ammo in this regard. Under the old definition moderation seems almost like something worth attempting:" I won't know if I don't try and drink moderately so I will give it a try." With the new definition the AV's argument is " why not just get drunk occasionally or just a day here and there?" The new definition dispels the illusion.
What helps my thinking about attempting moderation now is that I changed my mindset. I do not see trying moderation as a choice to try and drink in a controlled fashion, I see it now as making the choice to be drunk but only once and awhile. My AV will have me see it as a choice to drink normally, the rational me has redefined moderation to mean drunk but only occasionally or for a short time.
Having acknowledged that I have a tremendous problem with intoxication and using the new definition of 'moderation' my AV has lost its ammo in this regard. Under the old definition moderation seems almost like something worth attempting:" I won't know if I don't try and drink moderately so I will give it a try." With the new definition the AV's argument is " why not just get drunk occasionally or just a day here and there?" The new definition dispels the illusion.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
I am reminded of this quote from AAs Big Book:
Originally Posted by Big Book
it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by LindaLou 
I have tried to moderate sooo many times and always got the same results. Sooner or later I'd end up smashed, doing shameful things, blackouts, remorse the next day...you get the idea. This time it's day 4 for me and I think I've learned my lesson this time! I can't have just one, ever.
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