Catherine628

So my AH and I are separated. He was actively drinking and acting crazy and we both agreed to a year long separation. Contact with him has been sporadic over the past 5 months. When I look back on it I have been the one pushing for him to have contact with our kids by phone and by skype. I set times up and remind him by text. The contact is really, really dwindling. Do I keep pushing so the kids can have some kind of a relationship with him or just let it go and wait for him to initiate?

It gets harder and harder to set things up because he is sick and has to knock back some nyquil (HMMMM) or he is supposedly working or well just insert any excuse. Has anyone else dealt with an alcoholic parent not having any contact with their kids?

The kids don't talk about or ask about him as much anymore and do receive support like counseling. It just breaks my heart that things are like this.

SparkleKitty

What a horrible and sad situation. Unfortunately, your AH's relationship with his kids is his responsibility, not yours. By taking it on, you not only relieve him of the need to make an effort, but you add a ton of stress onto your own plate, which isn't good for anyone.

I know it seems impossible to believe he would willingly limit contact with his own children, but that is the nature of the disease. It might be best to turn this one over. It's good you have your kids in counseling -- I hope they are able to internalize the idea that none of it is their fault. That was the most damaging part, for me, of growing up with an alcoholic mom -- believing that there was something I could do to fix it.

marie1960

Can't force someone to be an active good parent.

Currently he is not a good role model for the kids, sad as this is, it maybe a blessing in disguise.

What I would do, is keep an accurate record of his actual involvement and time spent with the kids, never know, a judge may ask you these questions one day............

Catherine628

The blessing in disguise thing did occur to me. He says he is in recovery but I think his actions say otherwise.

Thumper

yes that has been my experience with my ex. He is sober now I think - makes no difference.

When I let it go my stress went way down, which in turn helped my kids deal with it better too.

It is a terrible and tragic situation but I can not control or make that relationship be what i want anymore than I could our marriage.

formyboys

It seems to be what they do...the alcoholics, recovering or not.

My RAXH has limited if that contact with our son (16)..we were married 19 years and he raised my older sons from the age of 2 and 10. He has not spoken to them in almost 3 years. He will make noise about how it is killing him that he has such a bad relationship with our son but does absolultely NOTHING to change it....makes no effort to be involved with anything. Even when I use to call him for help with him...nothing.

I have come to believe that it is their guilt that keeps them from being involved. They wont say that but I think they know full well what they have done and when they interact with their kids it forces them to face it...and they are not strong enough to do that.

leighr

When we first separated, I tried and tried to make sure my AH and my daughter spent time together. It was exhausting. I would tell him he needed to see her/call her, and he would whine that she never called him. She is 8 and not in least interested in talking on the phone. Even when they did see each other, their relationship did not get any better. To this day, when they are together, they do not interact. He stays in one room and she is in another doing completely different things. I don't bother trying anymore. Once in a while he will call and I just let her answer the phone. On the rare occasion that she asks about seeing him, I again hand her the phone and tell her to call. He is the one missing out and it is not my responsibility to make sure he has a relationship with her.

I knew he would be like this with her. It is the same way he acted toward his son from his first marriage. It was up to me to facilitate visitation for them after we starting dating.

A leopard doesn't change it's spots.

By the way, we live less than a mile apart and they see each other about every 3 months.

Catherine628

Thanks for sharing your stories. Its very sad and yes he is the one missing out. I know there has to be guilt there. I'm thankful we have relatives around who can be positive male role models. One of the most heartbreaking comments was made to me by my AH's brother who was never able to have kids of his own. He said I would give anything to have 2 beautiful daughters like he has. Went to a funeral today and it was such a nice tribute to a great guy and loving father. It got me thinking about what on earth would be said at my H's funeral and what an ongoing challenge it is to avoid the negative when talking about AH around the girls.

Confetti

After I left my now xah, he seldomly called his children. One month he called three times and was drunk for most of them. I was taking the children to a counsellor who suggested scheduled phone calls. He is to phone the children between 7 and 7:30 on two scheduled nights per week, if he doesn't, the children call him. Plenty of the time, he forgets, some times he answers when they call, sometimes he doesn't.

You are right, it is his lost. An active A has very few constructive phone conversations from my experience, so when he doesn't answer I am thankful that he spared our children from some drunken confusing rambling.