I have to stop drinking.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 28
I have to stop drinking.
Hi everybody,
I'm a long time reader, first time poster on these forums. Firstly, I want to say how great I think this website is. I've spent hours upon hours reading through these posts, and it's given me a true understanding that I am not along in this battle against alcoholism. So many people are fighting the same battle, and it is truly motivating to know that there are so many people who have overcome their addiction and have gone on to lead meaningful, happy lives.
I'd like to share a little bit about my life. I'm a 34 year old man, from Canada. I'm an alcoholic. Since I took that first drink back in the eleventh grade, when I was 16, my life has been altered upside down. I loved the feeling of getting buzzed, of getting drunk, smashed, hammered. It gave me instant confidence, it made me feel like I was someone. It allowed me to not be so self conscious, I could easily approach a girl and strike up a conversation. I was always very quiet, content to blend into the background, never really said very much. I always had a hard time making friends, and I only ever had friends because I loved sports and was always pretty decent at them.
When I got to university, it got even worse. I was drinking 3-4 days per week, mostly drinking hard liquor (vodka), but sometimes I'd take it easy and down a bunch of beer. I never really felt I had too much of an issue, as my friends were drinking at the exact same level. It was a "university" thing, everyone drinks in university. I met a girl, who would later become my fiancé, when I was drunk at a night club.
Progressing through my 20's, my drinking got worse and worse. I'd still be drinking several nights a week, but it seemed my tolerance had increased so it would take much more to get me feeling buzzed. The nights that I couldn't remember gradually increased. I started hearing "Wow, what happened to you last night?" or "How are you feeling today man!" more and more often, and maybe I wasn't feeling as ashamed about it as I should have been. See, I come from a long line of alcoholics. My father gets drunk every night, and my mother is almost at that level. Numerous aunts, uncles, and cousin are either raging alcoholics or not far from it. I have an uncle I am very close with nearly die of kidney failure only 6 months ago due to severe alcoholism (who, incidentally, is drinking heavily again), and another close cousin who nearly died due to alcohol poisoning a few months ago. It's in my blood.
So my relationship eventually fell apart, thanks to my drinking. This was a relationship that lasted seven years. I cheated on her numerous times, always while drinking, being very reckless and never really making any decisions that may be classified as good ones. There have been so many occasions where I would wake up in the morning, with a raging headache, in my jeans, scrambling to find my phone, and having 11 missed calls and countless text messages telling me that "it's over". Also, scrolling down my "sent" text messages, to god knows what girl, talking about things that should not have been talked about. There have been so many times I've gone to nightclubs, made out with random girls, sometimes more, gotten in arguments, so many problems resulting. I've never had the guts to quit drinking for any length of time. I've done so many stupid things, I've missed work, I've broken bones (and as a result had to get surgeries), spent so much money, driven a car while drunk countless times, had money stolen from me while I was in a drunken stupor, hooked up with so many women I should never have hooked up with, caused so many relationships with many different people to go sour. Alcohol has been truly dominating my life since I was a teenager, and although my immediate reaction is that I am still "young", in fact I am 34 years old and have been battling this addition for 20 years. That is amazing to me.
Lately, I don't go to nightclubs anymore. I don't socialize with people. I drink alone. I would drink every night if I could, and it needs to stop. I am desperate for things to stop. I am not comfortable enough to let people into my world, to go to AA meetings, to confess that I am indeed an alcoholic. I think this is what attracts me to these forums; the fact that I can be truly anonymous. I come from a small town, where I would be bound to know someone if I went to an AA meeting. Forget the fact that I don't truly believe in any religion which is to my understanding a basis for AA principals, but I would certainly not feel comfortable speaking out in a group of people about my issues. It's bad enough that I am typing it out in this post, but in fact it is much better.
Anyway, I made a decision to quit drinking after last weekend. It was a typical weekend, I drank heavily, and I haven't drank since Saturday night, but I would truly love to change my ways and move forward from this thing that's been holding me down for so many years. There is much more to life than this chemical, and I need to explore this.
Thanks for listening, and I will look forward to reading your posts. Stay strong everybody.
Four days and counting.
I'm a long time reader, first time poster on these forums. Firstly, I want to say how great I think this website is. I've spent hours upon hours reading through these posts, and it's given me a true understanding that I am not along in this battle against alcoholism. So many people are fighting the same battle, and it is truly motivating to know that there are so many people who have overcome their addiction and have gone on to lead meaningful, happy lives.
I'd like to share a little bit about my life. I'm a 34 year old man, from Canada. I'm an alcoholic. Since I took that first drink back in the eleventh grade, when I was 16, my life has been altered upside down. I loved the feeling of getting buzzed, of getting drunk, smashed, hammered. It gave me instant confidence, it made me feel like I was someone. It allowed me to not be so self conscious, I could easily approach a girl and strike up a conversation. I was always very quiet, content to blend into the background, never really said very much. I always had a hard time making friends, and I only ever had friends because I loved sports and was always pretty decent at them.
When I got to university, it got even worse. I was drinking 3-4 days per week, mostly drinking hard liquor (vodka), but sometimes I'd take it easy and down a bunch of beer. I never really felt I had too much of an issue, as my friends were drinking at the exact same level. It was a "university" thing, everyone drinks in university. I met a girl, who would later become my fiancé, when I was drunk at a night club.
Progressing through my 20's, my drinking got worse and worse. I'd still be drinking several nights a week, but it seemed my tolerance had increased so it would take much more to get me feeling buzzed. The nights that I couldn't remember gradually increased. I started hearing "Wow, what happened to you last night?" or "How are you feeling today man!" more and more often, and maybe I wasn't feeling as ashamed about it as I should have been. See, I come from a long line of alcoholics. My father gets drunk every night, and my mother is almost at that level. Numerous aunts, uncles, and cousin are either raging alcoholics or not far from it. I have an uncle I am very close with nearly die of kidney failure only 6 months ago due to severe alcoholism (who, incidentally, is drinking heavily again), and another close cousin who nearly died due to alcohol poisoning a few months ago. It's in my blood.
So my relationship eventually fell apart, thanks to my drinking. This was a relationship that lasted seven years. I cheated on her numerous times, always while drinking, being very reckless and never really making any decisions that may be classified as good ones. There have been so many occasions where I would wake up in the morning, with a raging headache, in my jeans, scrambling to find my phone, and having 11 missed calls and countless text messages telling me that "it's over". Also, scrolling down my "sent" text messages, to god knows what girl, talking about things that should not have been talked about. There have been so many times I've gone to nightclubs, made out with random girls, sometimes more, gotten in arguments, so many problems resulting. I've never had the guts to quit drinking for any length of time. I've done so many stupid things, I've missed work, I've broken bones (and as a result had to get surgeries), spent so much money, driven a car while drunk countless times, had money stolen from me while I was in a drunken stupor, hooked up with so many women I should never have hooked up with, caused so many relationships with many different people to go sour. Alcohol has been truly dominating my life since I was a teenager, and although my immediate reaction is that I am still "young", in fact I am 34 years old and have been battling this addition for 20 years. That is amazing to me.
Lately, I don't go to nightclubs anymore. I don't socialize with people. I drink alone. I would drink every night if I could, and it needs to stop. I am desperate for things to stop. I am not comfortable enough to let people into my world, to go to AA meetings, to confess that I am indeed an alcoholic. I think this is what attracts me to these forums; the fact that I can be truly anonymous. I come from a small town, where I would be bound to know someone if I went to an AA meeting. Forget the fact that I don't truly believe in any religion which is to my understanding a basis for AA principals, but I would certainly not feel comfortable speaking out in a group of people about my issues. It's bad enough that I am typing it out in this post, but in fact it is much better.
Anyway, I made a decision to quit drinking after last weekend. It was a typical weekend, I drank heavily, and I haven't drank since Saturday night, but I would truly love to change my ways and move forward from this thing that's been holding me down for so many years. There is much more to life than this chemical, and I need to explore this.
Thanks for listening, and I will look forward to reading your posts. Stay strong everybody.
Four days and counting.
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
Congratulations on making your decision, Doubledragon. Sobriety is the most important gift you can give to yourself and to those who love you. It won't be easy, but it will be so worth it - and you will feel so much better about yourself too 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Hiya doubledragon.a lot of what you have said resonates with me and will Also help a lot of others here. I'm so glad you took the time to post.
I understand the anonymity part in a small town ,but there is no shame if you do decide to go to AA because others there probably felt the same way and you should feel proud of yourself for taking steps.
Having said that I'm still teetering on the edge re meetings. But actually am going to give it a go soon .
You sound like you literally have just had a gut-full of yourself and are basically " over it"
My son is 34 and I'm so proud of you for taking this step.
You are ready.
You are young enough to have a beautiful full life now that you are giving yourself the chance.
Don't look at it as wasting 20 years , look at it as saving 20 more .
You are in the prime of your life and you can do this .
You don't want to wake up and be 54 and say **** ! Where did my life go.
Well done DD I'm behind you all the way . Why don't you pop into the November class for a look as there will be people on the same journey and time frame.
Good luck :-) you can do this xx
I understand the anonymity part in a small town ,but there is no shame if you do decide to go to AA because others there probably felt the same way and you should feel proud of yourself for taking steps.
Having said that I'm still teetering on the edge re meetings. But actually am going to give it a go soon .
You sound like you literally have just had a gut-full of yourself and are basically " over it"
My son is 34 and I'm so proud of you for taking this step.
You are ready.
You are young enough to have a beautiful full life now that you are giving yourself the chance.
Don't look at it as wasting 20 years , look at it as saving 20 more .
You are in the prime of your life and you can do this .
You don't want to wake up and be 54 and say **** ! Where did my life go.
Well done DD I'm behind you all the way . Why don't you pop into the November class for a look as there will be people on the same journey and time frame.
Good luck :-) you can do this xx
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Thanks for the post, I also can relate. Takes courage what you did, self honesty is not easy. I am not 39, detoxed a few times. If you did 4 days keep going. After to many attempts, like I did you sometimes need medical assistance or it is dangerous.
Si now I stuck in catch 22. I want to stop, need my job, no more sick leave left. But I am scared like hell. Our friend Dee on here knows how dangerous cold turkey can be.
Si now I stuck in catch 22. I want to stop, need my job, no more sick leave left. But I am scared like hell. Our friend Dee on here knows how dangerous cold turkey can be.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 1,730
Welcome, DD. I am glad you are here with us.
Some people who find this site wonder if they are alcoholics. They wonder if they need to be here. They wonder if they could possibly just moderate their drinking. Your post resolves any doubt that you might have. As you write, "I have to stop drinking." Given your situation, you reached the only logical conclusion possible. You have to stop drinking.
In some ways, that gives you a leg up on this problem. You don't have to struggle with the questions of "whether" to quit, or "why" you should quit. You can focus on "how" to quit. For that, you will find a remarkable amount of support and good advice here. This place has helped me stay sober since the first day I signed in.
Good luck. I hope you will post often.
And congratulations on Day 4. You are off to a great start.
Some people who find this site wonder if they are alcoholics. They wonder if they need to be here. They wonder if they could possibly just moderate their drinking. Your post resolves any doubt that you might have. As you write, "I have to stop drinking." Given your situation, you reached the only logical conclusion possible. You have to stop drinking.
In some ways, that gives you a leg up on this problem. You don't have to struggle with the questions of "whether" to quit, or "why" you should quit. You can focus on "how" to quit. For that, you will find a remarkable amount of support and good advice here. This place has helped me stay sober since the first day I signed in.
Good luck. I hope you will post often.
And congratulations on Day 4. You are off to a great start.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Congrats man...I so relate to your post. In fact three months ago, I was you. We may have even been to some of the same clubs if you go out in Toronto, Vancouver, Montreal, Kingston - I am not from Canada but had all my spots (Brassai Wednesdays, Russian Vodka Club, Thompson Hotel private deck, For Your Eyes Only...). I too have been battling this disease for 20 some odd years, even having some periods of sobriety in AA in my 20s, as well as therapy.
I had a good friend tell me that when you feel good in recovery try to climb as much ground as you can bc there will be tough times ahead. So with the resolve and conviction you are feeling now, channel that to setup a plan. Good news is you already know you need to stop - you are light years ahead of others at this stage. I am a big fan of a structured recovery program, so you don't have to think in the beginning just follow what has worked for others. No need to reinvent the wheel, right?
SR is great and post and share it has helped me. Look into AA, AVRT, there a bunch here this site is a great resource. For me, I wanted someone to be accountable too so I told everyone around me. In my moment of clarity and when sober I told everyone, friends, family, work so that I would make it impossible to go back. This has helped me during some tough times. I also developed a support network, sponsor, friends, my dad. And I used them plenty during the first month, as I did this forum too.
I also started reading the Big Book, even if you have no intentions of doing AA. The knowledge in the book is helpful and I could relate to some but in the early stages I wrestled with whether I was a problem drinker or an alcoholic. I said the word but did not mean them. It was not until two full months in that everything really clicked.
In the beginning don't worry about anything but staying sober. If your like me and sounds like you are, your brain is going to play tricks on you and try to rationalize drinking, stay strong. Don't worry about being fake, go to a meeting and go through the motions you don't have to get everything in the beginning. Just focus on not taking the first drink.
You may want to think about joining Deeker's 24hr thread - I am on it and it helps, again keep you accountible.
The good news is you can recover from this...bad news is you have 20yrs of bad habits so its going to take some work and time. Getting to the other side is amazing. Life is so much better sober.
I had a good friend tell me that when you feel good in recovery try to climb as much ground as you can bc there will be tough times ahead. So with the resolve and conviction you are feeling now, channel that to setup a plan. Good news is you already know you need to stop - you are light years ahead of others at this stage. I am a big fan of a structured recovery program, so you don't have to think in the beginning just follow what has worked for others. No need to reinvent the wheel, right?
SR is great and post and share it has helped me. Look into AA, AVRT, there a bunch here this site is a great resource. For me, I wanted someone to be accountable too so I told everyone around me. In my moment of clarity and when sober I told everyone, friends, family, work so that I would make it impossible to go back. This has helped me during some tough times. I also developed a support network, sponsor, friends, my dad. And I used them plenty during the first month, as I did this forum too.
I also started reading the Big Book, even if you have no intentions of doing AA. The knowledge in the book is helpful and I could relate to some but in the early stages I wrestled with whether I was a problem drinker or an alcoholic. I said the word but did not mean them. It was not until two full months in that everything really clicked.
In the beginning don't worry about anything but staying sober. If your like me and sounds like you are, your brain is going to play tricks on you and try to rationalize drinking, stay strong. Don't worry about being fake, go to a meeting and go through the motions you don't have to get everything in the beginning. Just focus on not taking the first drink.
You may want to think about joining Deeker's 24hr thread - I am on it and it helps, again keep you accountible.
The good news is you can recover from this...bad news is you have 20yrs of bad habits so its going to take some work and time. Getting to the other side is amazing. Life is so much better sober.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Great White North
Posts: 195
Good on you bro, I am on day 4 as well and have had similar experiences. Quitting won't fix everything in your life, but I guarantee you it will get better. This is advice I have had from some friends of mine in AA.
Look to the positives:
No more hangovers
Save a whole bunch of money
No blackouts therefore you won't be searching for your keys or phone the next day
No more calls in sick to work because "you were throwing up all night"
No more letting other people down
No more putting yourself as risk for a DUI
The list is endless and we can start rebuilding our lives, one day at a time.
Look to the positives:
No more hangovers
Save a whole bunch of money
No blackouts therefore you won't be searching for your keys or phone the next day
No more calls in sick to work because "you were throwing up all night"
No more letting other people down
No more putting yourself as risk for a DUI
The list is endless and we can start rebuilding our lives, one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Welcome. I think the universe is on our side. This is the year of "The Double Dragons"! I am on Day 40 after 27 years of regular drinking to excess. I do not belong to AA either. I have done piles of reading on alcoholism and I have been glued to this forum since I made the decision for sobriety. Simple but not easy is something I see hear a lot and it does apply. But in my experience, it is not the easy things in life that have made the difference. I'm rooting for you _ the American female DoubleDragons
This is the year of "The Double Dragons"! I am on Day 40 after 27 years of regular drinking to excess. I do not belong to AA either. I have done piles of reading on alcoholism and I have been glued to this forum since I made the decision for sobriety. Simple but not easy is something I see hear a lot and it does apply. But in my experience, it is not the easy things in life that have made the difference. I'm rooting for you _ the American female DoubleDragons
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
Posts: 425
Welcome to SR - alcohol is like a lover who was sweet and wonderful, then turned horrendous and soul-sucking isn't it? You definitely sound like you have done a lot of soul searching and reflection - I tried the tried and true white knuckle of using my own perseverance and determination to maintain sobriety. I admit you sound passionate about your conviction - but are you persuasive? Will your sheer will and determination be armor enough against the onslaught of media, friends, and walking in a grocery store to resist the lure? For me it took a deep spiritual and soul developing (which I'm still working on) to truly comprehend how serious an issue alcoholism is. Recovery is a multifaceted approach to a multifaceted disease. Again, welcome, there are wonderful and caring people here with excellent advice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 28
Wow, thanks for all the positive messages everyone. I think I will be on this site for a while.. you are all awesome. Hoping I can make it through the weekend alcohol free. I think I can..
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