jessicajoe

I need to get this out. OMG I am hurting so bad.
My A is talking about us maybe splitting up and not having a future. This was all fine when the ball was in my court and I was playing "should I stay or should I go" but now it is coming from him and my head is spinning and my stomach is in a knot and I can't tell you how terrible I feel.
He has never ever done this. I have heard every day for 3 years how much I am needed loved and wanted.
Its truly sudden and shocking.
I still want him.
he was grumpy yesterday and I said "you ok?" he said yup,....I said "we okay"....he said "we're ok".....I said ok or good ?.....he said ok.....we have had this same conversation for years its never panned out this way..... I pushed for what okay meant and he says he doesn't know what he wants for the future..... he says he feels scrutinized...he doesn't know if we will make it...... I left it for hours and hours....when I woke up he was drunk and I got a bit more of the same before he staggered to bed. Today when he got up for work he is still in the same place.
Me....how much do you remember ?
Him....I think everything
Me....Do you want to split up?
Him....I don't know
Me ....I deserve better than I don't know
Him ....I love you
Me....what happens now
Him....I don't know
Me... can you say anything except I don't know
Him....I have to go to work now

I know I deserve better than this but its brand new at its really really scary
Here's my maybes
Maybe he really genuinely wants to be left alone to drink himself to death
Maybe he is aware of my attempts at detachment and reacting
Maybe my HP is giving me a push.

OMG I am so scared
I think me talking about leaving left room for the "it will scare him into recovery" fairytale or at least the thought that I could go back any time I wanted. Him talking about it is something I have never even came close to imagining.

This really really doesn't feel like quacking and it doesn't feel like an attempt at some sort of manipulation either. It feels real.

whatever happens things cant be the same now not ever.
I'm actually physically shaking and mistyping here because I know the right thing to do is to let it happen. I know it is but OMG
I love him

ResignedToWait

When we realize that our partner puts alcohol above us in our relationship, it's like a knife in the back; betrayal.

When we realize that our partner wants to leave us, after we've been so supporting in trying to get them over their addiction for all that time, it's just pushing that knife in even farther.

Time will heal the pain you're feeling right now, this is only temporary.

martina12

JessicaJoe I was where you are now and I thought I would have a complete nervous breakdown. When I realised that my AH put vodka first and foremost above our love for each other and our relationship/marriage I felt like I had a knife in my stomach that kept twisting deeper and deeper. Initially disbelief then the stages of grief set in. I am now a few months down the line and I can honestly say that there is light at the end of the tunnel but you have to work on yourself. I read up on breaking a broken heart, co-dependancy, you name it I read up on it. Spent hours online, down the library and in bookshops in the self help section. Also got counselling and took whatever support I could. I am so glad i did this as I am now well along the route of recovery and my is confidence coming back. Believe in yourself that you can do this too and I promise you will get through the tough times ahead. At the end of the day I told myself that I didn't want a relationship where my AH's first love was alcohol..Ugh! Good luck!

Recovering2

You've been struggling with this for awhile. Maybe your HP is taking it out of your hands. Your A is not ready for recovery, he's showing you that now. He'd rather leave than change. Doesn't matter how much we love them, we can't love them into sobriety. They have to decide they want it more than anything. He doesn't. So he's now opening the door and giving you an exit. I understand the gut wrenching punch-in-the-gut I want to throw up feelings, I've been there. But you may look back one day and realize that you were given a gift, an opportunity to have a better life. (((hugs)))

dandylion

Jessica---are you going to alanon? (Sorry that I can't remember). If not, I suggest that the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to connect with alanon immediately--like, tonight (if possible). That is the place where your current feelings and state of mind will be understood beyond words.

I also suggest to detach from him as much as possible--including asking for statements about the state of your marriage. talking about these things with an active alcoholic--esp. a drunk one never solves anything.

With alanon, you can continue to sort yourself out---get your "sea legs". You can get your m ind clear so that you can see reality more clearly, regain your self-confidence and not live at the mercy of this cyclone of emotions.

I suspect that you are feeling the loss of control over things--and, that is scaring you to death. Remember---"We didn't cause it; we can't control it; and, we cant fix it, either." You will realize that this is really true---sucks, but...true.

Take this one step at time--just do the n ext right thing.

I am giving you my take on this--for your own consideration.

dandylion

jessicajoe

Still sitting here scared and empty
ResignedToWait... Thank you. Realistically I know this is about loving alcohol more than me but right now I can't even feel that. I just feel like he has suddenly stopped loving me. I feel abandoned. He is saying he loves me but whatever he imagines love to be its not the same as me if he can just suddenly do what he is doing.
martina... I believe you but I just don't want to have to be that person. I don't want to have to go through it. yuck yuck yuck I want a magic wand or a time machine or something.
Recovering2...My sane head feels you are right but right at this second I want him to slam that door closed again. I know I can't love him into sobriety but heaven help me right at this second I feel like I would be happy to go on loving him drunk.
Dandylion.... Friday coming will be my third AlAnon meeting. I hear you but I don't even think I'm going to get the grace of time to "find my sea legs" W are together all the time but we actually still have two apartments. Believe it or not on the nights we sleep apart we are actually together on an permanently switched on skype connection. I know that if I was reading that about someone else it might seem unhealthy but its where our relationship ended up (terminal uniqueness....love beyond all other etc.). We are/were supposed to get married next summer.My point in sharing that is if he decides we are finished there would be no need to do anything except get up and leave.
I wish I knew what the next right thing was. There is work I HAVE to do for work tomorrow. I can't make myself go down to the car for my briefcase.

Hammer

jj, You needs an RTS.

That stands for Return To Sanity.

In software and computer controlled equipment, we sometimes do those with a Watchdog Timer, where if there is not a sane response from the computer or system, after a set time, the whole system resets, and starts over with a clear mind.

Fortunately for YOU (and me and all of here) there is one of those RTS in the 12 Steps.

Step 2. (since you are pretty clear you are powerless over all this crazy, right? That would be Step 1.)

Step 2. All about Sanity.

Step Two: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Sanity is a good thing.

btw, Skyping all night with an A just might not be so sane.

While *we* cannot pull *them* into sanity, they can drag us into crazy.

jessicajoe

Yup Hammer
Crazy sounds like my spot on the map right now.
Do you think you could say a quick one and arrange for that RTS to happen in the next five minutes. Or at least before my fingers inch towards the phone to call him at work and talk about this some more.

Hammer

Well looky here.

12 Prayers for Each Step - The 12 Steps

You ask for 1, and you gets 12. Quite a deal, I tell you.

Let's fire up the #2, and then down to get your briefcase and get to work, right?

=========================

STEP 2 PRAYER

Heavenly Father,
I know in my heart that only you can restore me to sanity.
I humbly ask that you remove all twisted thought &
Addictive behavior from me this day.
Heal my spirit & restore in me a clear mind.

==========

From our keyboard to God's ears. Amen.

NWGRITS

Should I Stay or Should I Go. Great song from The Clash, not so great when it's in your head. Even worse when you don't even get to make the choice anymore. I know you won't ser it this way for a long time, but he has done you a favor. You now have the opportunity to work your recovery without him trying to drag you into the abyss. You deserve happiness, love, stability, and yes, sanity. Be kind to yourself and get to Al-Anon. And it never hurts to get on those knees and pray, either. (((Hugs)))

AnvilheadII

work is NOT the place to discuss relationship issues.

as you said, for 3 years, no matter what, you HEARD "I Love You" - now mind you, parrots can be trained to say that. they are after all, just WORDS. but somewhere along the way you convinced yourself that was enough, even when ACTIONS spoke to the contrary. you have over time, become DEPENDENT upon his continued reassurance that you are loved. and as long as you felt that, you felt you had control.

it was just a couple days ago, YOU were contemplating leaving. ending it. this is no different, except he is now voicing those same things out loud. you guys have been going round and round for a long time, the majority of your posts speak to GREAT unhappiness.

this is your chance. you can break the pattern of neediness, of craving validation, and the need to feel in control, and you can embark upon the journey to learn how to be a self sufficient, secure, autonomous being, one that doesn't NEED to be on permantly switch on skype all night!!!!! (and yes that is kinda creepy). you can learn to be..........wait for it........ALONE and OK.

he got drunk last nite. he'll most likely get drunk again today. that is what you get. you can stay....IF you can accept that THIS is as good as it gets.......OR you can go and say that YOU need more and you are the only one that can give you that. it's not a competition. it's life.

hopeful4

I think I got this same kind of surprise recently. We started counseling and I went in and pretty much said I am here to make this work or if we split to hopefully split in a way we can be friends and coparents forever. I expected my AH to be shocked and upset that I said that. Surprise surprise...he's thinking the same thing. It hurt my pride a bit to be honest. It was always on MY grounds and MY decision. Hmmm...not so much. When in reality, all along we are in control of making our own decisions all the time.

I love the line from Mr. Hammer above. We cannot pull them into sanity but they can surely drag us into crazy!

Good luck and God Bless.

marie1960

It would be a cold day in hell I would sit on pins and needles waiting for a man to tell/share with me the direction our lives are going to go. That in itself, is its own answer.

my .02 cents, you are now complicating his drinking life, and he is reacting the way all addicts do.

Time to take the bull by the horn and make your own life decision, part of the reason you are feeling like you are is you gave all your power away, time to take your power back, the only person that is going to stand up for you is YOU.

Let go or be dragged,............... the time has come.

spiderqueen

Oh honey, I can feel your pain. I have so much empathy, it actually hurts in my chest to read your posts.

There are similarities in our stories - my A also told me he loved me constantly; every beautiful, romantic proclamation in the world. So when the words were more and more blurred and slurred, and my nights and weekends got lonelier and lonelier, I became so confused I couldn't see straight.

I am frankly ashamed of how long I clung to the tattered shreds of his "devotion" to me, even as I watched him sink deeper and deeper into his alcoholic delirium, losing more and more function, purpose, clarity, memory, creativity... LIFE.

Excruciating.

If your A is actually letting you go, he is doing what mine never had the guts to do; admit that he won't/can't stop his drinking habits, and therefore is simply not capable of a meaningful, healthy relationship with you right now.

I am so very sorry for your anguish. Please try to take his letting go as a parting gift that says, "YOU DESERVE MORE."

Mango blast

I'm so sorry you're hurting. Thank you for sharing with us. AH was sober last week and is now on a bender. Right now, I can see this possibly happening with us, with him wanting out to free me from it and so he can drink without us being in the way of it. He's not there yet, but I can now see the possibility of it.

Yes, I do believe your husband is trying to set you free. It's totally screwed up thinking (vs getting sober and working on his marriage), but what isn't with an active A?

jessicajoe

Thank you Hammer......I did

NWGRITS Thank youI know this. I logically sensibly know this I just can't get myself to a place where I can feel it. The sensible part of me knows there can be no other outcome now and what I'm actually doing is delaying the start of the pain I know I'm going to feel. BUT (I always try to be honest in SR) a part of me is living in a fantasy where he is about to say "I'm so sorry and I'm off to AA"

Anvilhead Thank you. I think your responses are always forthright and honest. I value them. Sometimes they make me think "ouch" I don't want to think like that. The point of sharing that feeling is that its not how I felt this time. I read your response and felt sad because I think it is absolutely spot on, bang on right.

hopeful4 thank you ... I hear you.... is my pride hurt ? I don't know maybe. Right now I feel incredibly humble and somewhat beaten.

marie1960 I smiled because three or four years ago after recovering from a long bad marriage I said things very similar to this. So how did I get here?
maybe , but I gave it away slowly over a couple of years filled with laughter and joy and plans and dreams and I didn't notice it go as it went.

Spiderqueen thank you. I'm trying to see it that way. I really am.

keepingthefaith thank you at least "setting me free" could be construed as having an element of caring about it.

Meantime I am putting of the inevitable. Trying to get my head around it. I want to go to AlAnon tomorrow night. I have days off next week. I know I have to build up the courage to make it completely No Contact. Done. I'm trying.

I can't believe its less than 2 months since I was posting here about supporting his sobriety attempt. I can't belive its only 3 or 4 months since I really got concerned about his drinking and now we are splitting up. Unbelieveable.
Wondering if there might have been a little HP thing going on that I came across SR and you guys because I'm sure needing you now.