RJY9

I haven't posted here for a while out of embarrassment as my last post told you all I had actually seriously had enough. That wasn't to be the end of it and what I'm about to tell you is a horror story and a place I wish to never see again (like..scared me so much I feel physically sick).

After my last post I lasted one day and I was back to the shop, didn't give a flying f*uck about anything or anyone and it was just me me me and my Wine. I carried on like this and moved away from Cans, I was doing like 3 bottles of Wine a night and locking myself away in my room, getting angry and arguing bad with my wife saying things that, well, must of only come from the devil. I am the nicest guy in the world so im told when im sober and the facial features and darkness in my Eyes appear (my Wife actually says my eyes look black when in the depths of blackout/dangerously intoxicated)

Anyway I decided to smoke a load of Crack (which I have only done a couple times in my life) and I was doing this without her knowing locked away in my room. I finished off a third bottle Wine and then started on the forth. After a heavy smoke my brain suddenly appeared clear (yeah right!!) and I had simply no problem with packing my bags, putting the last of my Wine in the bag along with cans of food, my passport and 1 single pair of Socks (crazy huh) and wrote a note saying 'im gone and freeing you of me and my crazy ways. I headed to the place I call Knowhere and woke up in a pitch black field in the pouring rain next to my bike. I had cycled for miles and didn't even remember. I didn't know where I was and ended up under a huge Tree where I tried to sleep but couldn't as I was absolutely terrified. I cycled on as the light came through the sky and I was soaked to the bone so found a small Church that had a kind of barn shelter on the side that I took shelter in and lay in thick mud and passed out for an hour or so. I had been out for 7 hours and it was nearly time for work so I didn't show up and cycled around the place trying to figure out where I was. I cycled so fast down a hill that I hit the curb and god must of been looking over me because I managed to control the bike as I was headed straight for a metal post. I stopped to throw up and decided to take as many paracetomol as I could and once again God was watching me I guess as I opened the box and there was only 2 left. I felt helpless, raging hangover from crack and alcohol, load of cuts and bruises from sleeping amongst a load of nettles and a little battery left to ring my wife to tell her about my hellish night. I eventually got home and passed out freezing cold and wet, and when she came home in the evening she told me that's the last time, its either stop now and create a new beginning or she's leaving for good and I can go off the rails as much as I like. BANG!!! Reality smacked me in the face and I have now got no choice and I don't want a choice, the choice is simple, drink or family, I choose family life its a no brainer. I closed that old book, and the night in the field was the last page of that book and I don't wanna read it again. My new Book started yesterday and its going to be a best seller unlike the other one that was full of shame and regret and constant worry and anxiety. I cannot drink anymore and I guess I needed to go that place to get to here. I'm looking up some AA meetings and I fully intend on taking the action to get sober, forever. Expect to see me on here all the time from this day forward. Peace.

resolute50

Welcome back to SR.
I'm glad you decided to come back here and stay for a while.
It will definitely help you,like it has me.

Also glad that you survived that hellish night. Some folks are not that lucky.

RJY9

Thanks for the comment. That's the big thing for me, is that I survived the night as I wanted to die so I thank God I didn't. I've been given a second chance I believe so im gonna use it.

jdooner

Use this momentum to start your plan. The AA meetings are great, get a sponsor and perhaps even consider in patient rehab if possible. The momentum and resolve will fade as your brain calls for the drugs so you want to make as much headway while you can.

Keep posting and reading it will help.

Welcome and good luck.

BTW - most of what you did doesn't sound crazy. It would to a normal person but I can understand the logic of what you did pretty well. Its why I know I am in the right place.

RJY9

Thanks for the support. I'm looking for AA meetings as we speak. The one I used to attend I discovered has been knocked down and demolished lol so don't think i'll be doing that one. Gonna have to travel a bit to get to other ones but im sure its worth it.

MIRecovery

Welcome back.

It takes what it takes for all of us. I would find an AA meeting today. You need help today so get help today. Sobriety takes a 100 percent willingness to do whatever we have to do to get sober.

The time is now before alcohol starts whispering in your ear that it was not that bad.

You can do this!

marley1984

Good luck buddy. You can do it! Write that story of success

hayley86

Welcome back, I'm glad you are ok. You can do this! We are here to support you. Best wishes.

RJY9

Thanks Marley. I appreciate the support. U too mate.

RJY9

Thanks for the support Hayley, same to you! I really need the support from the people here as I feel its the edge of the cliff time and I don't wanna fall.

jkb

RJY9-

That is a crazy story. It makes me very grateful to be where I am today. Also, I am glad your ok. Stick with it. Decide that it is over and do what you need to do. You got this.....

Jess

LadyBlue0527

RJ, I'm so glad that you're back. Sometimes it takes an extreme to help you to realize just how completely out of control things are.

If you can print that post out and keep it on you it will be monumental when you get urges to remind yourself as to where you were when you made the decision. It will also help you play out the tape as to the possibilities of what could happen if you give in.

Hang close friend. We're all here for you.

Skye2

back RJY PS Did you ever find out where you ended up? Just wondered if it was somewhere relevant to you in the past or anything?

Flying4Life

That does sound scary RJY9! Glad you are back. Time to start fresh!

RJY9

No idea Skye lol! Just a random field with a random Tree. Then a random Church shed thing :/ its within a 10 mile radius but is just an area I don't think ive ever really needed to go before. I guess I was thinking at the time I wanted to be in the darkest quietest place possible I dunno. All I know is that, that was a different person and not the one typing this now. Scary isn't the word. Alcohol is the Devil. Thanks for your support.

FourSeasons

Welcome Back, RJY - What a powerful post!!!

It is never too late to start a brand new day one!

Ladyblue hit the nail on the head. Don't ever forget this. Memorialize it in your head. This is YOUR story and this is where you were when you finally said, "ENOUGH".

Good for you that you did.

Whenever you think just "one glass of wine" is a good idea, then relive this moment over and over and over again until the urge passes.

Best to you!

RJY9

Hi Four. Thanks for the support and I can go one better than printing it out. I actually have a rock that I found under that tree and for some strange reason I put it in my jacket pocket and I found it today and remembered. I was going to throw it but I have decided to keep it and everytime I want a drink and hear my AV i'm just goin to look at it and remember where it came from and how I came to aquire it. The rock of Misery. Kind of ironic really if you consider my other activity that night.

wpainterw

RJY9: Congratulations on what may be a turning point for you. And on your survival of an episode that could have been worse for you. Much, much worse. What if you had ended up not out in the countryside but in a tough part of town? You had your passport. What if you'd headed out to foreign parts? Waked up in North Africa?
Recovery from booze and stuff is never easy. Just wanting it so doesn't make it so. It takes work, guts, persistence. Help from others was essential in my case. I found a good AA meeting and, although I'm not an agnostic, its being an Agnostics meeting helped me with some of the issues I had with AA, particularly at the beginning. If you live in a metropolitan area it should be easier for you to find a meeting where you feel comfortable. And there are other programs as well, such as Rational Recovery, Smart Recovery.
Put it this way. You seem like a nice guy. Do yourself a big favor. Get a recovery going.

W.

HeadLump

How terrifying that must have been, RJ! But so glad you're here to tell the tale and are using it as a turning point (and point of reference if you ever need it) going forward.

I blacked out and banged my head (hence the name), an accident which could easily have ended very badly. I have used that as my 'road to Damascus' moment and now have over 9 months sobriety. If I'm ever tempted to drink, I just lightly press the back of my head. You have your rock (in more ways than one) and I'm sure it will guide you.

Sending shed loads of support your way

RJY9

Many thanks for the support Headlump. It was terrifying and your story sounds it too. I am so lucky to have support from people here at SR and I am also lucky to be alive. I hope one day Iwill have enough sobriety behind me so I too can support others in the way u lot support me.