getthere

My partner,or should I say Ex partner,(since last week)went into rehab last week,my understanding was first two weeks he would have no phone or contact with family etc,however today I received a letter from him,and he says his brother.SIL and nephew visited at weekend.I am sitting here in tears,resenting the fact that for months he has had councillors,therapists,docters,AA members,sponsor,etc etc to talk to,and I have no one.

Ruby2

You have us to talk to. It is maddening that he has all this support while you, who put up with all this stuff while he was drinking, feel stranded. Post here and let it out. Maybe al anon?

Hugs. You aren't alone, really. There is a huge tribe of us who have been through it.

Hammer

While you probably know by now you cannot Cure, Cause, or Control anything on the A side of things . . . .

HOWEVER . . . . This part you can >>>

Not being a bit unsympathetic -- but this side of things you can Completely Cure, Control, or . . . . Cause.

You have already taken a couple of HUGE steps towards the good on this side of things.

1. You have the awareness, acknowledgment, and acceptance. GOOD.

2. You have started to get help -- Here at SR. Another GOOD. And now hardly alone.

3. You are at least thinking about Alanon, right? That will be another GOOD.

Start working the Program, dump his garbage from your mind, and you will be surprised at how much a better place you find yourself.

whiskeyman

You are not alone. You are only alone if you want to be.

Al Anon.

honeypig

^^^^ Absolutely this. ^^^^

There IS help available for us on "the other side of the fence"; however, we have to want it and reach out for it every bit as much as the A has to reach out for HIS/HER help, too.

As others said, not to sound hardhearted, but between SR and Alanon, there are a lot of good potential friends just waiting to be made. Sometimes it's really surprising what you find when you do muster up your courage and reach out.

Hope you can and do, soon.

getthere

I went to two al anon meetings 14 months ago,i cried the whole way through both,first one I cried walking in the door,the second one I was there waiting for meeting to start when I got a pm through FB to say my dad was dying in another country and was in a coma,i found it was very religious,and while I have faith I am none practising RC ,found it a bit much,i might give it another try this week as I feel I need something,i cant stop crying...I have to say,i thought people here would slate me for resenting the outlets he has while trying to recover...Thanks for not doing that.

Hammer

ummm, no. A's are quite adept at the getting the resources they need. Whether Help, Alcohol, Drugs, whatever. Sort of like cats, they can land on their feet.

Do not need to worry about them.

Problem with having resentment and envy is for YOU. Envy harms YOUR heart. Have you read the On The Beam, Off The Beam list? Envy is on the "Off The Beam" List. No place you want your heart to be. Might be part of the hurt you are feeling.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-off-beam.html

As for Alanon and crying. Yeah. We all do that. I mean ALL of us. You think it sucks for you? I am a 6 foot man, still look "Army," was a Combat Arms Officer, and am a Construction Engineer. I just look totally stupid and pathetic when I do it.

But I go for my kids, and for me. Makes me a better me. So you go for you, too.

atalose

Not sure why the same avenues, counselors, therapists, doctors, al-anon meeting, then eventually a sponsor, is not available to you as well.

whiskeyman

army guys can cry.
In the corner of your eyes are these tiny holes.
They are for water to come outta.
We were built for it.

Hammer

Yeah, fu2.

I just cannot bear it when they start with the tissue boxes.

getthere

The rehab offers family support, it is in a different county,so far away it might as well be a different country.we had just finished relationship counselling when the extent of drinking and lies surfaced,have recently changed docters,because of geography I cannot go back to my old DR,i know I really have to try AL ANON again,sponsor? isn't that just for someone in AA?..

atalose

You did say ex right? So family support at HIS rehab would not be for you. Why not get YOUR own therapist?

You can get a sponsor in al-anon as well.

hopeful4

O my, when I started going to Celebrate Recovery I think I cried the entire first six months of being there. From relief to know there was a support system for ME to focus on ME, to being scared, overwhelmed and all of what comes in between.

You know what, slowly I started the healing process. I have worked on me and come leaps and bounds. I now have an identity separate from my husband. If that sounds crazy, think about it. I was so codependent that I did not focus on myself outside of him at all. Am I healed?? NO WAY!! I give it to God one day and take it back another. However I am able to recognize that behavior and reach out right away to my support systems instead of stuffing all that fear and anger inside, I let it out and slowly realize...I will be ok.

I hope you are able to reach out to a support system. If you find the one for you it will change your life.

Good Luck and God Bless!

honeypig

Getthere, Alanon uses the same 12 steps, the same 12 traditions, the same program of sponsorship as AA does. There are a whole host of programs based on this system--Nar-Anon, Overeaters Anonymous, Gamblers Anonymous, etc. To the best of my knowledge, they all use the same basic ideas and format. Only the "drug of choice" differs.

You may have seen others post here about how we Alanon folks are as addicted to our A's as the A is to alcohol. It's not a stretch to believe that....

I'm sorry that your experience w/Alanon hasn't been that good so far. Not sure how many different meetings you have access to, but generally it is recommended that a person attend 6 DIFFERENT meetings, on different days and at different times, before deciding that Alanon isn't for them, as the vibe at any one meeting can be wildly different from another one.

Regarding the overly religious tones you felt--it seems that way sometimes. However, the saying "take what you like and leave the rest" is of use here. The A has to find a way to work his/her program, despite the aspects they might not like, and it's no different for us on the Alanon side. I too find most of my local Alanon meetings overly Christian, so I know what you mean. However, I needed help enough that I was willing to do whatever it took to get it. (Hmm, kind of sounds like the A, too, hey?)

Anyway, that's my take on it. Hope you found something useful there, and again, hoping you reach out. I see you have only 7 posts in the last year, so maybe just posting more here would be a good start for you.

CarryOn

So, maybe you don't use the same support system your A is using...in some ways it's probably better that you have your own. Yes, you can find our own doctor, your own counselor and/or therapist, and your own Alanon meetings & sponsor...they are all available to you if you reach out for them. I highly recommend seeking out a counselor/therapist trained in addiction - look for a CADC. They can help you understand addiction & its impact on you.

Honeypig hit it on the head with the meetings & religious overtones - participate in what you want, don't participate in what you do not, try different meetings, etc. Take what you want (or need) and leave the rest. We say the Lord's prayer at the end of my home meeting, some people choose to sit quietly in their chairs, some stand & hold hands with us but do not recite the prayer...whatever works for them. Please try some more Alanon meetings.

You are not alone...there are so many here that are going through or have been through the same thing.

getthere

What is CADC?

csd

i would say a certified alcoholic & drug counselor......

Apart from that, yes its your now ex, hold on or move on, its totally your choice, best of luck in what ever you adventure.

Hopeworks

While it seems not fair when the A finally gets dry the entire world seems to fall at their feet and they seem to expect it (still has king baby syndrome usually)...

but ... they need lots of help because most... the vast majority drink again sadly. So your XA in this moment of space, time and history seems to be on top of the world but trust me it can all change in a skinny New York minute.

Now is the time to do just what every other poster has told you... find your own way out and your own recovery. Therapy, books, alanon, this website... lots of pampering ... I personally love massages, pedicures and retail therapy!

And I totally agree that doing the 12 steps with a great sponsor is life changing! Incredible wisdom in the steps and as far as meetings... eat the hay and spit out the straw for things that don't sit right (sometimes those things that turn us off in the beginning we decide are right on as we grow in recovery!).

Keep coming back....

honeypig

I have found this to be oh so true also...sometimes it's not so much that the idea or principle or practice is wrong, or wrong for us, or does not apply to us, as it is that we simply aren't at a place where we can understand yet. Much of it comes off as seeming weird or impractical simply b/c we've been living such unhealthy lives--we simply are not familiar with how it looks to live any other way.

Dublin

Hi Getthere, sorry you are going through this. I remember feeling so angry what all the support my RA got and I felt alone. But as others say it is up to us to find our support. I know it sounds harsh and hard but really the support is there. I am 2 yrs in alanon now and I cried so often at the start and it took me a long time to talk to others but I did and it helped. Like you I am lapsed RC but that doesn't matter.. If you can find a few meetings, they are all different, some with more of the spiritual element than others. I go to two different meetings and I like the variety of people and emphasis that this gives. Things are getting better for me now and I am working and enjoying MY recovery and I try to stay out of his. He needs support and yes many of his supporters never knew the full extent of his behaviour or drinking, but my support system know what I put up with and that helps me. I have a sponsor in alanon and she is fantastic. Mind yourself and wishing you the very best.