New member to the board needs help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 1
New member to the board needs help
I just found this site. I am here because I was looking for resources to find out information about leaving my alcoholic husband. He has become increasingly worse over the years and refuses any therapy or counseling. He does not acknowledge that he has any alcohol problem.
Primarily the problem is that he continues to bully, ridicule, disrespect and blame me for his short comings, failures, and unhappiness. Although a new level was reached in September when he became physically violent with me, leaving me bruised all over and my fifteen year old son stepped in and punched him, at which point he went after my son and I got beaten worse keeping him off of Jacob. We ended up with the police here but I covered for him out of fear of him losing his job. I thought that would be a wake up call, our pastor got involved and he begged for forgiveness and promised to "cut back" on his drinking. Now he doesn't even acknowledge that it happened. His version is that my son and I "overreacted" and I shouldn't have gotten in his way. He also watched until I left my computer unguarded and deleted all photos of my bruises.
I spent last night with my six kids hiding upstairs and me in my bedroom as he stormed through the house cursing, yelling, and slamming things just praying for him to fall asleep. I sent an email to my work email address as a diary of the behavior to have a record with a time stamp. i already went through one messy divorce and I can not start over with six kids and no money. I have to find a way to leave where I can keep my house. We own it outright and living paycheck to paycheck it is the only security we have. I love him, but don't see any way to salvage this relationship. He is too quick to anger, and too volatile at this point for me to see a way to stay if he won't get help. Has anyone ever done an intervention? How does that work?
Primarily the problem is that he continues to bully, ridicule, disrespect and blame me for his short comings, failures, and unhappiness. Although a new level was reached in September when he became physically violent with me, leaving me bruised all over and my fifteen year old son stepped in and punched him, at which point he went after my son and I got beaten worse keeping him off of Jacob. We ended up with the police here but I covered for him out of fear of him losing his job. I thought that would be a wake up call, our pastor got involved and he begged for forgiveness and promised to "cut back" on his drinking. Now he doesn't even acknowledge that it happened. His version is that my son and I "overreacted" and I shouldn't have gotten in his way. He also watched until I left my computer unguarded and deleted all photos of my bruises.
I spent last night with my six kids hiding upstairs and me in my bedroom as he stormed through the house cursing, yelling, and slamming things just praying for him to fall asleep. I sent an email to my work email address as a diary of the behavior to have a record with a time stamp. i already went through one messy divorce and I can not start over with six kids and no money. I have to find a way to leave where I can keep my house. We own it outright and living paycheck to paycheck it is the only security we have. I love him, but don't see any way to salvage this relationship. He is too quick to anger, and too volatile at this point for me to see a way to stay if he won't get help. Has anyone ever done an intervention? How does that work?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: indiana
Posts: 158
holy cow i am sorry to hear this. Your home is no longer a safe place for you or your children. I would advise speaking with a lawyer immediately to explain your options which is free of charge.
the damage to the children will haunt you for the rest of your life, is there any friends or family you could stay with?
Hopefully someone who has been through this before can give better insight. I will pray for you!
the damage to the children will haunt you for the rest of your life, is there any friends or family you could stay with?
Hopefully someone who has been through this before can give better insight. I will pray for you!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
HB, I don't know that an intervention is what you need. It seems you'd benefit much more from finding some domestic violence resources and having a consultation w/a lawyer regarding how to keep your house. Focusing on him and his actions in any way (other than to keep you and your children safe) is not going to be productive for you.
Others here can contribute a lot more regarding DV and legal aspects than I can, and I'm sure you'll hear from them soon.
I'd also strongly suggest Alanon for you and Alateen for your kids. Here's a link to help you find a meeting http://www.al-anon.org/ SR is a wonderful place, and you'll learn a lot and get a lot of help here. However, especially in a situation like yours, you will need real-world support also. Your friends in Alanon can offer you a place to stay if you have to leave in a hurry to stay safe; I can't do that for you.
Welcome, and please do read as much as you possibly can here. And PLEASE put the safety of yourself and your kids above all else.
Others here can contribute a lot more regarding DV and legal aspects than I can, and I'm sure you'll hear from them soon.
I'd also strongly suggest Alanon for you and Alateen for your kids. Here's a link to help you find a meeting http://www.al-anon.org/ SR is a wonderful place, and you'll learn a lot and get a lot of help here. However, especially in a situation like yours, you will need real-world support also. Your friends in Alanon can offer you a place to stay if you have to leave in a hurry to stay safe; I can't do that for you.
Welcome, and please do read as much as you possibly can here. And PLEASE put the safety of yourself and your kids above all else.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Since you own the home, is it in your name only? If it is, you may legally be able to get him out of the house and put a restraining order against him. You may want to seek legal counsel and perhaps call a domestic violence hotline. I'm glad you have been able to talk to your pastor about this.
Stay safe; I'll be praying for you and your children.
Stay safe; I'll be praying for you and your children.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
As I understand your post, you and your children were hiding from a raging monster of an alcoholic.
It sounds very scary and so damaging to your children and yourself.
I feel so strongly that you are all in danger, alcoholism is a progressive disease, living with an alcoholic can , and from the sounds of it, has become a hostage situation in your case.
I strongly urge you to contact a domestic violence hotline, asap.
This is not a time, IMO, to think about how you are going to survive in the future, it is a time to think about how you are going to survive tonight, when you and your children are home, again, being held hostage by this crazy, violent, out of control man who thinks the world is all wrong, and he is alright, by this man who has left you battered and briused emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.
All that matters right now is that you and your children are safe, you are not safe until you are out of the reach of an alcoholic who is out of control.
The damage done to you and your children already is damage that will probably take years of healing, please, get yourself and your children safe, then you can begin to figure out how you will survive financially in the furture.
The Domestic Voilence people are there to help you figure out how to proceed, I am sure that you are so emotionally torn up right now that the help will be a Godsend.
You are in the forefront of my thoughts and prayers today.
Sending you much love and peace, Katie
PS from the stickies at the top of the page
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
This may be very helpful to you right now.
xox
It sounds very scary and so damaging to your children and yourself.
I feel so strongly that you are all in danger, alcoholism is a progressive disease, living with an alcoholic can , and from the sounds of it, has become a hostage situation in your case.
I strongly urge you to contact a domestic violence hotline, asap.
This is not a time, IMO, to think about how you are going to survive in the future, it is a time to think about how you are going to survive tonight, when you and your children are home, again, being held hostage by this crazy, violent, out of control man who thinks the world is all wrong, and he is alright, by this man who has left you battered and briused emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually.
All that matters right now is that you and your children are safe, you are not safe until you are out of the reach of an alcoholic who is out of control.
The damage done to you and your children already is damage that will probably take years of healing, please, get yourself and your children safe, then you can begin to figure out how you will survive financially in the furture.
The Domestic Voilence people are there to help you figure out how to proceed, I am sure that you are so emotionally torn up right now that the help will be a Godsend.
You are in the forefront of my thoughts and prayers today.
Sending you much love and peace, Katie
PS from the stickies at the top of the page
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
This may be very helpful to you right now.
xox
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 45
HB I am so sorry you are going through this. It will not get better unless he gets help. Honestly you and your children are in danger. You need to call a domestic abuse hotline asap. You do not owe him anything. He is abusing you verbally, emotionally, and physically. Please get some help!!
I am currently dealing with an RAH that is emotionally abusive. He has not hit me but his violent reactions to things I say that he does not like have gradually gotten worse over the past few months. We are currently separated but I am still afraid of what he is capable of with his anger and want to be controlling.
Do speak with a lawyer or better yet find out what happens during divorce in your state. Often times the state will give the house to whoever has custody of the children. Things do not end there though. You may need to start over somewhere else where he cannot hurt you. You are very smart for sending the emails to yourself. Keep doing that. Keep a record of everything not only for court purposes but for your sanity. Abusers have a wonderful way of "Crazy Making." or making you think your crazy or it's your fault.
I know this hard for you but you need to watch out for yourself and your children. That is priority #1.
I will keep you in my prayers.
I am currently dealing with an RAH that is emotionally abusive. He has not hit me but his violent reactions to things I say that he does not like have gradually gotten worse over the past few months. We are currently separated but I am still afraid of what he is capable of with his anger and want to be controlling.
Do speak with a lawyer or better yet find out what happens during divorce in your state. Often times the state will give the house to whoever has custody of the children. Things do not end there though. You may need to start over somewhere else where he cannot hurt you. You are very smart for sending the emails to yourself. Keep doing that. Keep a record of everything not only for court purposes but for your sanity. Abusers have a wonderful way of "Crazy Making." or making you think your crazy or it's your fault.
I know this hard for you but you need to watch out for yourself and your children. That is priority #1.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear HBbreummer, the most direct and immediate help you can get is by calling the N ational Domestic Abuse Hotline---and simply tell them what you have told us. You will find them to be very kind and understanding--and, everything is held confidential.
They have all the resources that you will need at their fingertips. They can help you develop a "plan"---and this can include legal counseling which you are going to need. They can help with safe housing, job training and placement, food, etc. If you need a plan to leave safely--they can walk you through that and give you shelter at an unknown location. They can help with court matters and restraining orders, etc...
Their job is to help you.
When you are in a safe place to use the phone--please, please, make that first call. The will not force you to do anything you do not want to.
We are here for you also--you are not alone.
The second step--after dv contacts would be to seek out alanon meetings for yourself, also. The dv centers will know about this, also.
There is help for you--your situation is NOT hopeless--and you don't have to stay stuck.
I know it is scary to make that "first move", but the courage will come at the exact time you need it--you will see.
Please keep posting here--there will be lots of people to help you and are rooting for you!!
dandylion
They have all the resources that you will need at their fingertips. They can help you develop a "plan"---and this can include legal counseling which you are going to need. They can help with safe housing, job training and placement, food, etc. If you need a plan to leave safely--they can walk you through that and give you shelter at an unknown location. They can help with court matters and restraining orders, etc...
Their job is to help you.
When you are in a safe place to use the phone--please, please, make that first call. The will not force you to do anything you do not want to.
We are here for you also--you are not alone.
The second step--after dv contacts would be to seek out alanon meetings for yourself, also. The dv centers will know about this, also.
There is help for you--your situation is NOT hopeless--and you don't have to stay stuck.
I know it is scary to make that "first move", but the courage will come at the exact time you need it--you will see.
Please keep posting here--there will be lots of people to help you and are rooting for you!!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Please keep posting here--there will be lots of people to help you and are rooting for you!!
Please go to a friend's house, family member, or shelter - ASAP.
Your kids are counting on you to guide them safely out of this dangerous, volatile situation into a safe, calm place where you can plan out your next steps, without fear, intimidation and violence.
Good luck, please keep coming back here for support!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
I'm praying for you. I can relate to some of what you are saying. But I'm still finding my way right now, but I know how good I feel when someone replies to me and if all I can say is I'm praying for you, then I will say it. I have gotten a ton of support here over the last few weeks and I know you will too. So I'm giving you a hug..
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