Our family house in AH's care - 15 months later
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Our family house in AH's care - 15 months later
I feel like I am living a week in a day. Each moment on my first trip back to the US since my separation with ah has been laden with meaning, sentiment, drama.
This morning I met the police chief and a fellow officer in my driveway. And house appraiser. And family cat. We are there for me to take inventory of the house. Ah is at work.
The gorgeous lush well tended expanse of lawn is now an unkempt expanse of weed. I have never seen golden rod in the lawn. I am not a big fan of lawns but the house came with a prize winner and we maintained ten years. Anyway.
Then, enter the premises and who is there to introduce herself. A woman tenant that I know from the community. She is living in my house with her two daughters and her newborn - who was born in my house.
How could I not know this???
The house has all the toys left pretty much in place from their last visit. There is extensive water damage on the ceilings and floors. I photo everything while tenant chats with the police. About living with Ah which she tells them is hard because his situation is so difficult and affects everyone else in the house.
I see all my and the children's stuff that I have asked ah for. Old skates, party dresses, toy trucks. He said he looked everywhere but they are right where I told him to look.
I like my old antiques, the knick knacks and quilts and old china. I made some nice choices. I love the children's rooms, the funny nooks and window seat.
I photo everything. In the Mbr I take a quick snapshot of my desk. Later, in reviewing my house pictures, i see something and zoom in.
There on the desk is ah's writing. A page full of ways to explain away the evidence that he is an A. There it is. His list of lines for himself to the court. 'I never drink.' ' I drink ___ beers a day.' 'My wife thinks anyone who drinks is an alcoholic.' 'I went to AA just to save my marriage and appease my wife'.
Voilà.
I finished my inventory and carried out a box of legos left for DS10. I trip on the way to open the trunk and the whole box spills in the driveway. Both police officers hurry to help me gather them. I say, 'well, so here is the dramatic moment of the visit. There must be some symbolism to this. Officer says, 'picking up the pieces of my life?' Chief adds, 'everything falling apart, allowing the possibility to build something better'.
Yes! 😊😊😊
This morning I met the police chief and a fellow officer in my driveway. And house appraiser. And family cat. We are there for me to take inventory of the house. Ah is at work.
The gorgeous lush well tended expanse of lawn is now an unkempt expanse of weed. I have never seen golden rod in the lawn. I am not a big fan of lawns but the house came with a prize winner and we maintained ten years. Anyway.
Then, enter the premises and who is there to introduce herself. A woman tenant that I know from the community. She is living in my house with her two daughters and her newborn - who was born in my house.
How could I not know this???
The house has all the toys left pretty much in place from their last visit. There is extensive water damage on the ceilings and floors. I photo everything while tenant chats with the police. About living with Ah which she tells them is hard because his situation is so difficult and affects everyone else in the house.
I see all my and the children's stuff that I have asked ah for. Old skates, party dresses, toy trucks. He said he looked everywhere but they are right where I told him to look.
I like my old antiques, the knick knacks and quilts and old china. I made some nice choices. I love the children's rooms, the funny nooks and window seat.
I photo everything. In the Mbr I take a quick snapshot of my desk. Later, in reviewing my house pictures, i see something and zoom in.
There on the desk is ah's writing. A page full of ways to explain away the evidence that he is an A. There it is. His list of lines for himself to the court. 'I never drink.' ' I drink ___ beers a day.' 'My wife thinks anyone who drinks is an alcoholic.' 'I went to AA just to save my marriage and appease my wife'.
Voilà.
I finished my inventory and carried out a box of legos left for DS10. I trip on the way to open the trunk and the whole box spills in the driveway. Both police officers hurry to help me gather them. I say, 'well, so here is the dramatic moment of the visit. There must be some symbolism to this. Officer says, 'picking up the pieces of my life?' Chief adds, 'everything falling apart, allowing the possibility to build something better'.
Yes! 😊😊😊
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I am only sleeping about four hours a night since arriving here. I am on some kind of hyper-alert.
I am figuring out what has been happening over here. Stbxah needs his public image. So in order to look like a nice guy and not a wife-beating alcoholic who is depriving his wife and children of child support, he has to cover himself. By letting the house go and telling everyone that he is too poor to have the lawn mowed. Or fix the siding or protect the floors. He has to look sad and hurt and down-trodden. And yes, sober. And poor. So that if anyone gets wind that he doesn't pay child support, they can think that he can't afford to.
That's a lot of work to maintain and if you don't believe him, makes him seem, well, pathetic.
There was another open letter in the library. This one is a letter to his family, claiming that I have denied him any communication with the children whatsoever. And that the lawyers warned him this might happen.
My neighbor wants me to heal him by offering him positive incentives to behave. I don't want to get sucked into the vortex. What my neighbors might do is get off the pity-party ride. If they didn't buy into his bs, he wouldn't bs them. But he'd find someone else who'd believe him. Our neighborhood is replete with co-dependents. They all think I am so...mean!
Ok. Stbxah is crazy. I am getting it, sort of. That's part of what I came here to learn, I guess. I get that I need to move forward. But is it inhumane to abandon him 100%? The children want him to heal. Why does my neighbor want me to do anything? Because I hold some sort of magic key? Or is he just trying to make me be co dependent? What is the kind thing to do here?
I am figuring out what has been happening over here. Stbxah needs his public image. So in order to look like a nice guy and not a wife-beating alcoholic who is depriving his wife and children of child support, he has to cover himself. By letting the house go and telling everyone that he is too poor to have the lawn mowed. Or fix the siding or protect the floors. He has to look sad and hurt and down-trodden. And yes, sober. And poor. So that if anyone gets wind that he doesn't pay child support, they can think that he can't afford to.
That's a lot of work to maintain and if you don't believe him, makes him seem, well, pathetic.
There was another open letter in the library. This one is a letter to his family, claiming that I have denied him any communication with the children whatsoever. And that the lawyers warned him this might happen.
My neighbor wants me to heal him by offering him positive incentives to behave. I don't want to get sucked into the vortex. What my neighbors might do is get off the pity-party ride. If they didn't buy into his bs, he wouldn't bs them. But he'd find someone else who'd believe him. Our neighborhood is replete with co-dependents. They all think I am so...mean!
Ok. Stbxah is crazy. I am getting it, sort of. That's part of what I came here to learn, I guess. I get that I need to move forward. But is it inhumane to abandon him 100%? The children want him to heal. Why does my neighbor want me to do anything? Because I hold some sort of magic key? Or is he just trying to make me be co dependent? What is the kind thing to do here?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Move on with your life and give him the opportunity to heal himself.
You know perfectly well that that is the only way it will work.
You cannot "fix" him no matter how badly you feel about it or what the neighbors want. At this stage, who gives a rat's a _ _ what the neighbors think?
From the postings I've read about your X, he sounds deeply embedded in the disease and he seems to be carrying a lot of anger towards you. He also is punishing you by witholding child support and making life just generally difficult.
If you just detach and move on as much as you can on a daily basis, his hold over you will lessen and you can began the healing process for yourself and your children. If he chooses to get help and to heal, revisit what you should do when it comes to that.
You have your kids, you're out of the situation, or are trying to get that way, and the rest is just stuff. That's all he has to hurt you with now if you don't let him have any emotional access to you. Good luck Pippi and hang in there.
You know perfectly well that that is the only way it will work.
You cannot "fix" him no matter how badly you feel about it or what the neighbors want. At this stage, who gives a rat's a _ _ what the neighbors think?
From the postings I've read about your X, he sounds deeply embedded in the disease and he seems to be carrying a lot of anger towards you. He also is punishing you by witholding child support and making life just generally difficult.
If you just detach and move on as much as you can on a daily basis, his hold over you will lessen and you can began the healing process for yourself and your children. If he chooses to get help and to heal, revisit what you should do when it comes to that.
You have your kids, you're out of the situation, or are trying to get that way, and the rest is just stuff. That's all he has to hurt you with now if you don't let him have any emotional access to you. Good luck Pippi and hang in there.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
it is easier to be angry at you than it is for him to look at his actions/words/behaviors. projection, blame-shifting, redirection. abusers do that too.
when i have dealt w people that do that i keep contact/engagement to minimum, expect nothing but bad behavior (all words wash over me like water off a duck), stay completely non-emotional when dealing w them of their allies, and stick to facts. they want a reaction from you to demonstrate you are crazy and they are right. try not to give him that. it pisses them off more when they dont get the response they want. hehe
when i have dealt w people that do that i keep contact/engagement to minimum, expect nothing but bad behavior (all words wash over me like water off a duck), stay completely non-emotional when dealing w them of their allies, and stick to facts. they want a reaction from you to demonstrate you are crazy and they are right. try not to give him that. it pisses them off more when they dont get the response they want. hehe
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Out of curiosity, no matter how it looks to the neighbors, if he has the money (and it not hiding it from the IRS) the courts will see what he makes and go from that when they make decisions, correct? They will not look at the lawn, the floors of the house or anything else.
I am so so sorry you are dealing with this. You live away from there. Don't worry about what other people think. People have a way of showing their true colors and if he is an alcoholic he will show his eventually.
My heart is with you, you are in my prayers.
I am so so sorry you are dealing with this. You live away from there. Don't worry about what other people think. People have a way of showing their true colors and if he is an alcoholic he will show his eventually.
My heart is with you, you are in my prayers.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
all i have to say about this post is omgsh lol If i left ah alone with the house it would probably look like a scene from hoarders buried alive or from steven kings rose red lol
and there would probably be piles of liquor bottles and notes left around the house too but probably wouldn't be able to read any of it.
and there would probably be piles of liquor bottles and notes left around the house too but probably wouldn't be able to read any of it.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 45
Not trying to make light of the situation but we can all use an occasional laugh. If I left RAH in the house without me that long it would be super clean and probably devoid of my knick knacks.
I finished my inventory and carried out a box of legos left for DS10. I trip on the way to open the trunk and the whole box spills in the driveway. Both police officers hurry to help me gather them. I say, 'well, so here is the dramatic moment of the visit. There must be some symbolism to this. Officer says, 'picking up the pieces of my life?' Chief adds, 'everything falling apart, allowing the possibility to build something better'.
Yes! 😊😊😊 This really resonates with me. The Chief is right. You now have every opportunity to build something better.
I got goosebumps from that one.
Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng 
I finished my inventory and carried out a box of legos left for DS10. I trip on the way to open the trunk and the whole box spills in the driveway. Both police officers hurry to help me gather them. I say, 'well, so here is the dramatic moment of the visit. There must be some symbolism to this. Officer says, 'picking up the pieces of my life?' Chief adds, 'everything falling apart, allowing the possibility to build something better'.
Yes! 😊😊😊
I got goosebumps from that one.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Pippi--you ask "what is the kind thing to do". The KIND thing to do is to keep total focus on yourself and your children's welfare.
It is very, VERY co-dependent to worry about him, right now. As you know, I have followed your posts for quite a while. You are a very intelligent woman--and I k now that you know by now that there is even more than alcoholism at play here---he is a full blown narcissist. A narcissist does not have the capacity for proper empathy for others and will go to any length to destroy you--if it is in their best interest. They will hold everything against you--there is NO reciprocity!!
You do not give a narcissist an inch--they will take a mile every time.
I am rooting for you big time, Pippi. I know that your husband is a very high profile person, internationally and that he is rich with powerful connections.
He is a formidable opponent (yes, he see it like this), and you have to stand tall and tough. No more soft heart for him.
Keep posting. I am glad to hear from you--and to know how you are doing.
dandylion
It is very, VERY co-dependent to worry about him, right now. As you know, I have followed your posts for quite a while. You are a very intelligent woman--and I k now that you know by now that there is even more than alcoholism at play here---he is a full blown narcissist. A narcissist does not have the capacity for proper empathy for others and will go to any length to destroy you--if it is in their best interest. They will hold everything against you--there is NO reciprocity!!
You do not give a narcissist an inch--they will take a mile every time.
I am rooting for you big time, Pippi. I know that your husband is a very high profile person, internationally and that he is rich with powerful connections.
He is a formidable opponent (yes, he see it like this), and you have to stand tall and tough. No more soft heart for him.
Keep posting. I am glad to hear from you--and to know how you are doing.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
Pippi… I hope you are a writer because your eloquence in describing this situation is extraordinary. It reads like the beginning of a book and I want to read more; sending you strength for this awful time. Get out of it and use your talent.
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