Newbie- At my wit's end...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 2
Newbie- At my wit's end... Well, I found this website trying to find stories similar to my own by doing a Google search. I've read a a few stories in one thread and I'm relieved I'm not alone. My husband is an addict. Over the years, his addictions have gone from one thing to another- he always has to have something to keep him anything but sober. We've been together for nearly 9 years, married for 4. Maybe I'm naive for sticking around this long but as a Christian I find it hard to just walk away from my marriage. My situation also complicates that being a possibility. We have two children together (7 and 1) and my husband is in the military. We are stationed really far from home and family (and there are laws preventing either party in a divorce to leave the state until the divorce is final). I am a stay at home mom and babysit part time (for very little money). I have no means to support my children alone and no money for an attorney, etc. divorce would be very messy aside from the fact that it's just not what I want. I love my husband. I really do but I'm just at my wits end and so lost. I don't know what to do.
I'm sure most of my story is one you've heard a million times. We started dating young and had a child young. In the beginning, we used together (mostly alcohol and marijuana, but tried harder drugs like cocaine and mushrooms). When I became pregnant, I stopped smoking (was only using marijuana at the time). He, however, never stopped using. It's always been something- marijuana, OxyContin, cocaine, "spice", and if nothing else, alcohol. Being in the military now limits what he can get away with but he still is able to get way with using spice. He stopped for a while, but went back to alcohol now he's back to spice.
He's completely incompetent. He uses in the house and walks around like a zombie, falling asleep standing up every few steps. I can't leave the kids alone with him which makes my life very difficult because when I babysit, I have four kids and my car can only hold three car seats. I feel alone. I've talked to him so many times my brain hurts trying to understand it. I suffer from clinical depression and this doesn't help one bit. I feel so helpless. Tonight he has pushed me to the very edge. He told me earlier today that he'd watch all four kids so I could go grocery shopping (with money his grandpa sent via western union since his paycheck is all but gone 5 days after payday). Instead, he came home and went straight to the bathroom to use. He came out and passed out on the floor. We got into it and he had the nerve to tell me I don't pull my own weight and he works all day and why can't he come home and relax...we have absolutely no groceries in this house. I had to feed the kids Mac n cheese for dinner and I've not eaten a thing. I don't know what we will eat tomorrow because I will be babysitting again. Maybe I should quit babysitting since I have no one to rely on for help getting things done, but the little bit I do make helps since he's always spending. He laid in the floor with me asking him what our kids were going to eat tonight and tomorrow and had nothing to say about it. He does not care about anything or anyone but his addiction which he will admit he has but has never sought help for. He has to keep it secret or risk losing his career. Anything I could try to stop him would directly effect my kids- talk to his work- he'd lose his career and pay, talk to his grandpa and tell him where his retirement money is going- we wouldn't have money for food. I don't know what else to do. I know he has to want it for himself, but he doesn't. He doesn't care at all and I can't wrap my mind around that. My kids mean everything to me and I know he's a terrible influence but when I imagine life if I left, it would be so hard on my kids- the divorce process, getting by on my own until we can leave here, staying in one bedroom of a family members house, miserable, working a low paying, dead end job since I never finished college because I was busy raising kids and moving around the country with my husband...it just feels like a no-win situation and I'm so tired and angry and depressed. I really just am lost. There's no other word for it. I want a better life for my kids and have no clue how to give it to them and my heart is breaking because of it. I grew up without a father. That's the last thing I ever wanted for my own children.
I'm sure most of my story is one you've heard a million times. We started dating young and had a child young. In the beginning, we used together (mostly alcohol and marijuana, but tried harder drugs like cocaine and mushrooms). When I became pregnant, I stopped smoking (was only using marijuana at the time). He, however, never stopped using. It's always been something- marijuana, OxyContin, cocaine, "spice", and if nothing else, alcohol. Being in the military now limits what he can get away with but he still is able to get way with using spice. He stopped for a while, but went back to alcohol now he's back to spice.
He's completely incompetent. He uses in the house and walks around like a zombie, falling asleep standing up every few steps. I can't leave the kids alone with him which makes my life very difficult because when I babysit, I have four kids and my car can only hold three car seats. I feel alone. I've talked to him so many times my brain hurts trying to understand it. I suffer from clinical depression and this doesn't help one bit. I feel so helpless. Tonight he has pushed me to the very edge. He told me earlier today that he'd watch all four kids so I could go grocery shopping (with money his grandpa sent via western union since his paycheck is all but gone 5 days after payday). Instead, he came home and went straight to the bathroom to use. He came out and passed out on the floor. We got into it and he had the nerve to tell me I don't pull my own weight and he works all day and why can't he come home and relax...we have absolutely no groceries in this house. I had to feed the kids Mac n cheese for dinner and I've not eaten a thing. I don't know what we will eat tomorrow because I will be babysitting again. Maybe I should quit babysitting since I have no one to rely on for help getting things done, but the little bit I do make helps since he's always spending. He laid in the floor with me asking him what our kids were going to eat tonight and tomorrow and had nothing to say about it. He does not care about anything or anyone but his addiction which he will admit he has but has never sought help for. He has to keep it secret or risk losing his career. Anything I could try to stop him would directly effect my kids- talk to his work- he'd lose his career and pay, talk to his grandpa and tell him where his retirement money is going- we wouldn't have money for food. I don't know what else to do. I know he has to want it for himself, but he doesn't. He doesn't care at all and I can't wrap my mind around that. My kids mean everything to me and I know he's a terrible influence but when I imagine life if I left, it would be so hard on my kids- the divorce process, getting by on my own until we can leave here, staying in one bedroom of a family members house, miserable, working a low paying, dead end job since I never finished college because I was busy raising kids and moving around the country with my husband...it just feels like a no-win situation and I'm so tired and angry and depressed. I really just am lost. There's no other word for it. I want a better life for my kids and have no clue how to give it to them and my heart is breaking because of it. I grew up without a father. That's the last thing I ever wanted for my own children.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 27
My heart breaks for you and your children. Please know that you aren't alone, and that you've come to a great place for support. Are there AlAnon meetings in your area? If so, they would be a great place to start learning how to detach from your husband's addiction(s). As you've said, he has to want recovery for himself and it's very, very hard to come to terms with, but I've recently learned that there is literally nothing I can say or do to make someone get or stay sober.
I personally reached my breaking point recently and went out of state to be with my parents for a while and work on myself. It's been scary and painful, but I feel some sense of peace for the first time in a long time. What sometimes happens (as the wise folks of SR have said) is that the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving. I don't have children but I imagine my situation would be much scarier if I did. I think growing up without a father in the home might be less painful than growing up around the insanity of addiction.
Could you go stay with family or friends for just a short time to give yourself a break and some space from him? For me, I found myself drowning in my husband's issues. I was terrified to stay and terrified to leave (i still am) but I know that for me personally, it was impossible to make any decisions, let alone difficult, life changing ones while being surrounded by the circus of addiction. Ultimately, you can only look out for yourself and your kids, and he is on his own until he chooses to accept support from professionals or a fellowship such as AA or NA. In the meantime, there are resources that could possibly be of help to you, such as a displaced homemakers program which can help you with finding a job.
I just want you to know that you are not alone. Sending love and positive thoughts to you and your kiddos.
I personally reached my breaking point recently and went out of state to be with my parents for a while and work on myself. It's been scary and painful, but I feel some sense of peace for the first time in a long time. What sometimes happens (as the wise folks of SR have said) is that the pain of staying becomes greater than the pain of leaving. I don't have children but I imagine my situation would be much scarier if I did. I think growing up without a father in the home might be less painful than growing up around the insanity of addiction.
Could you go stay with family or friends for just a short time to give yourself a break and some space from him? For me, I found myself drowning in my husband's issues. I was terrified to stay and terrified to leave (i still am) but I know that for me personally, it was impossible to make any decisions, let alone difficult, life changing ones while being surrounded by the circus of addiction. Ultimately, you can only look out for yourself and your kids, and he is on his own until he chooses to accept support from professionals or a fellowship such as AA or NA. In the meantime, there are resources that could possibly be of help to you, such as a displaced homemakers program which can help you with finding a job.
I just want you to know that you are not alone. Sending love and positive thoughts to you and your kiddos.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 2
Thank you. I need all the prayer and support I can get- even just venting to people who have been there is a sigh of relief for me. I can't talk to anyone here for fear of the military learning of my husband's issues. I really really wish I could take the kids home for a while just for a break, but just getting us there would be $3,000 or more and that's not to mention, leaving a friend high and dry with no sitter, no one to take care of they cat, luggage fees, and my family members have small houses- me and both kids would have to share a small bedroom (that's part is the least of my worries).
I appreciate the warm thoughts and kind words and a place to go for support while I figure out what to do next.
I appreciate the warm thoughts and kind words and a place to go for support while I figure out what to do next.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Big hugs to you Witsend. You have come to a wonderful place full of support and understanding. Can you talk to your family doctor about this? Also, can you get the money from his paycheck before he spends it all? I honestly have no answer for you because only you know what is best for your situation. This is not a healthy place for either you or your children and your children need to have food and be in a safe environment. Would his grandfather help you if you spoke with him about what is going on and your fears? If he continues on this path, he will eventually get caught and yes his career will be over. Then what will you do?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
So sorry for your reasons to come to SR but we are glad that you are here!
Your situation is complicated due to being overseas in the military and the lack of funds.
If you can find support, as the other poster said, through Alanon or another group that may help you find some peace. There are addicts in all countries....I am sure you can find one! Some even have babysitters available.
How much longer overseas do you have?
Your situation is complicated due to being overseas in the military and the lack of funds.
If you can find support, as the other poster said, through Alanon or another group that may help you find some peace. There are addicts in all countries....I am sure you can find one! Some even have babysitters available.
How much longer overseas do you have?
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
I was touched by your post. I know all to well what it feels like being a christian who have spoken vows before God and feel that if I left my husband I would be breaking a promise to God.
I know what it feels like to love my husband and pray for things to change, but he just kept using and every time he used the less he seemed to care about me, us, our family.
I know what it feels like to not have a proper education and to rely on my husband to support our family, while most of his money went to his addiction.
I know what it feels like to have children and be a stay at home mom who could not rely on my husband to make sure there was food in the fridge or be able to trust him not to get high long enough that I could run to the store and pick up groceries while he watched the kids.
I know what it feels like to have a husband who blows through his check and we end up having to borrow money to get by.
I know what it feels like to feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. To feel fear of the what ifs ... to be afraid to leave and yet to be afraid to stay.
I also know what it feels like to be at my wits end. To feel like the man that I love has mentally, emotionally, physically as well as spiritually abandoned me and I feel as if I am trying to work with an enemy rather than a partner.
I know all to well.
I also know that no matter what I did whether it be tried to reason with him, beg, plead, cry, rationalize, show him the err of his ways... nothing worked.
As he spiraled down head first ... out of fear and sheer panic I lunged and grabbed onto his ankles in effort to prevent him from destroying himself, our marriage, me, our family, my ideas of what I wanted our life to be like.
What I found was that I was in for one hell of a ride. The more I tried to control the situation the more out of control my life became. He was always chasing after a high and I was always chasing after him trying to stop him from getting high. My efforts were all in vain yet I was just as persistant as he was so we both rode the merrygoround up and down for years. I was miserable for the most part, but desperately trying to save my marriage and avoid my kids growing up with out a father, but the truth of the matter is they were already growing up without him. Just because he was home didn't mean he was present and functioning as a father and you know what was worse is they were growing up with only a piece of a mother. I could not be completely there for them when I was so distracted by what my husband was or wasn't doing.
Some thing had to give. Some thing had to change. I was so ready for things to be different, but I had been so caught up in chasing after him and trying to fix his broken-ness that I could not see that I was self detrusting and my kids were watching all this madness take place. They had been enrolled into relationship course 101 and were being taught how relationships work. And later on in life they were going to seek out partners that would replay the roles of mom and dad. THIS THOUGHT TERRFIED ME!
Talk about a wake up call! I had to let go of my husbands ankles, let go of trying to control, let go of my dreams and ideas of the happy life I wanted with my husband and regroup.
I had to acknowlegde my part in the relationship, accept that what I thought I was doing in the name of love was really out of codependence and that I was an enabler who was not stuck in my marriage, but rather in a pattern.
I could not change my husband no matter how much I wanted for him to be clean and sober. Until he wanted it for himself he would continue to yeild to the calling of his addiction day in and day out, night after night, year after year and if you think your at your wits end now well it ain't over til its over and where addiction is concerned it may never be over. Not trying to sound harsh but rather just keepin' it real.
You gotta Let go or be dragged. Let go and let God.
I had found myself in a place of a desperate need for change and I had to do it with or without my husband and he had clearly shown me that unless I was going to cosign his addiction it was going to be without him.
He left me no alternative then to arise to the occasion.
I packed up the kids and moved to our own apartment. I hoped it woukd be a wake up call needed to snap him back to reality, but instead he spiraled down deeper into the pit of drug addicted hell
I started my journey into recovery from codependency and healing began to take place in our home. There was laughter instead of tears, peace in place of chaos, joy resided in our hearts and tge smiles and hugs from my children affirmed that I had done the right thing for them, for me and for us as a family.
God did not love me less for leaving. He knew how hard I had tried to stay, but with all the blessings that followed I knew that God was providing and was right there with me.
Read 1 Timothy 5:8.
I know for me that I was so filled with fears of leaving because I was afraid I couldn't provide, but with the love and support of my church family and Gods blessing we did just fine.
There are resources available to you if you decide you can no longer live the way you are currently living. You might even be able to get legal aide to help you do a divorce. State assistance, child support... you'd be surprised at what is out there when you start scouting around. Even operation blessing might be able to help you move if you call and askk for an application, fill it out and have your pastor sign it.
I know my post is long, but, I just want to encourage you that there is hope. Take baby steps in faith and you will chase away fear. Just look up and trust.. He will guide you into a place of wholeness for and you and your kids.
Keep coming to this forum, keep reading the stories. You are in a place where you educate yourself and find strength you never knew you had. Take the hand of those who have walked the path before you. With Gods help and theirs you will find your way to the kind of live you desire and deserve. Hang in here ... you are worth it and your children are counting on you!
Hugs
Passion
I know what it feels like to love my husband and pray for things to change, but he just kept using and every time he used the less he seemed to care about me, us, our family.
I know what it feels like to not have a proper education and to rely on my husband to support our family, while most of his money went to his addiction.
I know what it feels like to have children and be a stay at home mom who could not rely on my husband to make sure there was food in the fridge or be able to trust him not to get high long enough that I could run to the store and pick up groceries while he watched the kids.
I know what it feels like to have a husband who blows through his check and we end up having to borrow money to get by.
I know what it feels like to feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. To feel fear of the what ifs ... to be afraid to leave and yet to be afraid to stay.
I also know what it feels like to be at my wits end. To feel like the man that I love has mentally, emotionally, physically as well as spiritually abandoned me and I feel as if I am trying to work with an enemy rather than a partner.
I know all to well.
I also know that no matter what I did whether it be tried to reason with him, beg, plead, cry, rationalize, show him the err of his ways... nothing worked.
As he spiraled down head first ... out of fear and sheer panic I lunged and grabbed onto his ankles in effort to prevent him from destroying himself, our marriage, me, our family, my ideas of what I wanted our life to be like.
What I found was that I was in for one hell of a ride. The more I tried to control the situation the more out of control my life became. He was always chasing after a high and I was always chasing after him trying to stop him from getting high. My efforts were all in vain yet I was just as persistant as he was so we both rode the merrygoround up and down for years. I was miserable for the most part, but desperately trying to save my marriage and avoid my kids growing up with out a father, but the truth of the matter is they were already growing up without him. Just because he was home didn't mean he was present and functioning as a father and you know what was worse is they were growing up with only a piece of a mother. I could not be completely there for them when I was so distracted by what my husband was or wasn't doing.
Some thing had to give. Some thing had to change. I was so ready for things to be different, but I had been so caught up in chasing after him and trying to fix his broken-ness that I could not see that I was self detrusting and my kids were watching all this madness take place. They had been enrolled into relationship course 101 and were being taught how relationships work. And later on in life they were going to seek out partners that would replay the roles of mom and dad. THIS THOUGHT TERRFIED ME!
Talk about a wake up call! I had to let go of my husbands ankles, let go of trying to control, let go of my dreams and ideas of the happy life I wanted with my husband and regroup.
I had to acknowlegde my part in the relationship, accept that what I thought I was doing in the name of love was really out of codependence and that I was an enabler who was not stuck in my marriage, but rather in a pattern.
I could not change my husband no matter how much I wanted for him to be clean and sober. Until he wanted it for himself he would continue to yeild to the calling of his addiction day in and day out, night after night, year after year and if you think your at your wits end now well it ain't over til its over and where addiction is concerned it may never be over. Not trying to sound harsh but rather just keepin' it real.
You gotta Let go or be dragged. Let go and let God.
I had found myself in a place of a desperate need for change and I had to do it with or without my husband and he had clearly shown me that unless I was going to cosign his addiction it was going to be without him.
He left me no alternative then to arise to the occasion.
I packed up the kids and moved to our own apartment. I hoped it woukd be a wake up call needed to snap him back to reality, but instead he spiraled down deeper into the pit of drug addicted hell
I started my journey into recovery from codependency and healing began to take place in our home. There was laughter instead of tears, peace in place of chaos, joy resided in our hearts and tge smiles and hugs from my children affirmed that I had done the right thing for them, for me and for us as a family.
God did not love me less for leaving. He knew how hard I had tried to stay, but with all the blessings that followed I knew that God was providing and was right there with me.
Read 1 Timothy 5:8.
I know for me that I was so filled with fears of leaving because I was afraid I couldn't provide, but with the love and support of my church family and Gods blessing we did just fine.
There are resources available to you if you decide you can no longer live the way you are currently living. You might even be able to get legal aide to help you do a divorce. State assistance, child support... you'd be surprised at what is out there when you start scouting around. Even operation blessing might be able to help you move if you call and askk for an application, fill it out and have your pastor sign it.
I know my post is long, but, I just want to encourage you that there is hope. Take baby steps in faith and you will chase away fear. Just look up and trust.. He will guide you into a place of wholeness for and you and your kids.
Keep coming to this forum, keep reading the stories. You are in a place where you educate yourself and find strength you never knew you had. Take the hand of those who have walked the path before you. With Gods help and theirs you will find your way to the kind of live you desire and deserve. Hang in here ... you are worth it and your children are counting on you!
Hugs
Passion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
All spouses of addicts and alcoholics are isolated. They are all beaten down by the addict who blames them for everything being wrong, and they are beaten down by the dark and tragic secret they must carry every day: that their spouse is an addict and that life is nothing but pain and suffering.
The reality is that this way of life will not continue as it is right now. It will get worse. He will get worse, he will devastate you and the children more often, and he will either lose his job, go to jail, die from an accident caused by intoxication, or leave you because he prefers to be with a woman who does drugs with him.
So you are going to have to start talking to people, rational people, to help you make a plan to get your children away. Because they are being damaged, and you have to protect them.
The family member with the bedroom: take it. Tell the truth: "My husband is a drug addict, he is killing us, and we have to get away. Can you take us in, while I apply for financial aid to get some training to be self-supporting, while I apply for a legal separation and child support, while I take 3-4 months to start over and to save myself and my children from the ravaging effects of living with a drug addict."
The cat: some shelters are very good, they keep the pet until it is adopted. If that is too painful an option for you, then when you ask your family members to pull together and fly you and the children back home, you can ask if the cat may be included. I flew my two kitties from Ohio all the way to Seattle. They did great.
Your husband has abandoned you. He is gone. You have no husband anymore. It is time for you to leave. When you make the decision to try, to really try, to leave, doors will begin to open. When we do the right thing at the right time, doors open.
The reality is that this way of life will not continue as it is right now. It will get worse. He will get worse, he will devastate you and the children more often, and he will either lose his job, go to jail, die from an accident caused by intoxication, or leave you because he prefers to be with a woman who does drugs with him.
So you are going to have to start talking to people, rational people, to help you make a plan to get your children away. Because they are being damaged, and you have to protect them.
The family member with the bedroom: take it. Tell the truth: "My husband is a drug addict, he is killing us, and we have to get away. Can you take us in, while I apply for financial aid to get some training to be self-supporting, while I apply for a legal separation and child support, while I take 3-4 months to start over and to save myself and my children from the ravaging effects of living with a drug addict."
The cat: some shelters are very good, they keep the pet until it is adopted. If that is too painful an option for you, then when you ask your family members to pull together and fly you and the children back home, you can ask if the cat may be included. I flew my two kitties from Ohio all the way to Seattle. They did great.
Your husband has abandoned you. He is gone. You have no husband anymore. It is time for you to leave. When you make the decision to try, to really try, to leave, doors will begin to open. When we do the right thing at the right time, doors open.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hi Witsend, I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a horrible time, and glad you have found SR. It has been brilliant for me.
I don't have anything to add to the responses above except to suggest that you look into the resources the military has for families of servicemen and women. There may be confidential counselling, or welfare available. As for keeping his addiction secret; you aren't doing him any favours at all. He spends most of his pay check anyway, and he is not being forced to confront his addiction. I may be wrong, but wouldn't the military have the option of treatment before someone is dismissed? Most employers do.
He is counting on you keeping his secret for him.
I don't have anything to add to the responses above except to suggest that you look into the resources the military has for families of servicemen and women. There may be confidential counselling, or welfare available. As for keeping his addiction secret; you aren't doing him any favours at all. He spends most of his pay check anyway, and he is not being forced to confront his addiction. I may be wrong, but wouldn't the military have the option of treatment before someone is dismissed? Most employers do.
He is counting on you keeping his secret for him.
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