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Sober: Life Still Sucks

Old 11-05-2013, 07:09 PM
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Sober: Life Still Sucks

So here I am, 10 months sober and counting.

I'm not sure I like it or if this is even a good idea. No, I am not kidding.

I had this idea (obviously WRONG) that if I stopped drinking that would be the key to changing everything in my life that needed to be changed, starting with my weight and my loneliness/social isolation. I figured that by this time I would have dropped most of the 55 pounds I needed to lose (that doesn't get me to thin or even AVERAGE weight, BTW) and at least be starting to date.

I figured I'd feel a lot better about my life and have lots more good, happy days.

I thought I might even have more money because drinking costs money. Lots of people who quit after years of addictive drinking say they have money once they are sober.

None of this happened for me. I have the SAME LIFE sober that I did while I was drinking. The only difference is that I hate it a lot more and I don't have any means of escape from the pain of it because I don't allow myself to drink.

I lost about 10 pounds once I quit drinking and added what, for me, is a pretty big chunk of cardiovascular exercise into my daily routine. I haven't lost any more. Part of the problem is that now that I don't drink I seem to be ravenous in the evening and often eat quite a lot. My head hurts a lot and I feel like crap a lot. I'm angry a lot. It's possible that I am angrier now than I was while drinking. I got a speeding ticket today. Go figure. 17 years of binge drinking like a lush from hell and I never so much as got a ticket, let alone a DUI. Now I am sober and of course I am speeding down a surface street to get to work. And yes, I really DID deserve the ticket. I have been speeding on that road on a daily basis.

There is nothing wrong with me physically. I was worried that chugging all that vodka for years and years would have done something to my body, so after 6 months I went for a physical. My bloodwork was perfect. Awesome, actually. Yes, I had liver and kidney panels. A few other things too. For good measure I took a health insurance related exam at work too. I scored perfect there and so I am getting a cut rate on my insurance next year.

So I don't know if I like this very much. It's not as if I haven't been working AT my life either. It's not like I am sitting here on my ass waiting for being sober to work its magic. But I don't want to work harder, HARDER, HARDER for a little tiny result or no result at all except that my life gets more difficult.

When I was drinking, at least I didn't mind so much. It didn't hurt and anger me as much as it does now. It didn't feel so unfair. What I mostly feel like right now is a useless 53 year old woman who's only going to get more useless and uninteresting as time goes by. Who CARES what I do? No one. So why make the effort?

I still haven't taken a drink but I frequently feel as if I am just hanging on by a thread.

I'd be grateful for any NON-AA type responses anyone has to the above pity party.

P.S. I wouldn't whine so much except this is exactly what's going on.

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Old 11-05-2013, 07:21 PM
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HI Miyako...
I understand completely how you feel. I share the same type feelings.. I thought life would have gotten so much better after all this time, and its disappointing that it hasn't. I also understand the anger. The only thing I can say for sure is that with sobriety, life stopped getting any worse. I stopped making terrible decisions, and not destroying my body is a plus, but sobriety really doesn't seem much fun.. I guess like you I thought everything would turn around and get much better. It just stayed the same, just like you said, no chance to feel any type of relief. I work out alot, just to spend some energy and try to find a little peace, drink lots of tea, but have to say, this sober skin just doesn't fit right and is itchy...I dont have any answers, just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone. I hear dying of alcoholism isn't pretty, and its a guarantee if we dont stay sober, I guess thats enough reason to keep going?
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Old 11-05-2013, 07:24 PM
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Sounds like you deal with everyday things that EVERYONE else has to deal with at ANY given time. I think my WORST sober day is still better than any BEST days I had drinking.
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Old 11-05-2013, 07:24 PM
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My life was pretty uninspiring too - the life thats ok for a drunk guy doesn't really cut it for a sober one.

So I made changes - changes in friends, changes in what i did for fun, changes in employment, even changes in how I reacted to things

It was big job......and a long one.

The process of realising I had to make changes, getting through the feeling it was unfair that I had to make these changes, and see the changes come to fruition and begin to bear some benefits took a while.

I've said elsewhere it took me all of my first year and some of my second to really start to feel happy & content with what I had.

It's work yeah, but it's not bad work. It's a lot better than drinking. There's no answers back there. I looked

Figure out exactly what you hate the most in your life. Change it.
Then move on to the second most hated thing. Change that too.

I've had some people tell me that's all fine in theory but just practicable... if you feel you can't do change some stuff, you're gonna have to work on it internally and find a way get what you need out of the life you have.

That a big ask too - but if your happiness isn't worth working on, what is?

In the end it's done to us. It's always down to us, and and how much we're prepared to do to help ourselves, I think.

You're not alone here - plenty of help and support. Sometimes that AA crowd have some good ideas too

D
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Old 11-05-2013, 07:31 PM
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miyako,

Stopping drinking is not the key to being happy. What you choose to do with your life when you stop drinking is the key to being happy.

No AA related response here but I'm going to give it to you straight. I can do that because I have been in your position.

You already know why you haven't lost the weight.

1st. I figured that by this time I would have dropped most of the 55 pounds I needed to lose (that doesn't get me to thin or even AVERAGE weight, BTW) and at least be starting to date.
Reason: Part of the problem is that now that I don't drink I seem to be ravenous in the evening and often eat quite a lot.
You answered your own question. I'm right there with you. Never mind the beer calories I was taking in, the crap I cooked and ate (my husband named me The Drunken Gourmet) in calories on a weekend night was way over the top. I thought, ohhh, I quit drinking, this is just going to come right off! I exclaimed this about the same time I shoved a mint oreo cookie in my mouth (and the two or three after that). Along with the slice of carrot cake I would eat the next night with the cream cheese frosting. We can't kid ourselves, we know why the weight isn't coming off.

Next this:

I thought I might even have more money because drinking costs money. Lots of people who quit after years of addictive drinking say they have money once they are sober.
If you're not spending money on alcohol then it has to be going somewhere. Either that or your bills are getting paid now where they weren't previously. Sit down with a piece of paper and figure out what you spent on alcohol in a week. Now, think of the things that you buy in a week now. What are you buying now that you didn't previously? Or, are bills getting paid that used to sit and wait? There has to be an answer there.

I have the SAME LIFE sober that I did while I was drinking.
If this is true then you're living the exact same way that you did before but the only difference is now you're just not drinking. That's it, point blank.

No one knocks on the door and offers you a new life on a silver platter because you don't drink anymore. YOU have to make that happen.

What makes you happy? What can you do now that you couldn't do before because you were drinking? Those are key questions.

No one can do this for you, you have to do it. You'll be as happy as you make up your mind to be.

There, and I didn't even bring AA into it
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Old 11-05-2013, 07:32 PM
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losteverything: Of course you are right about death from alcohol consumption. No one should know this better than me. Thanks for the reminder. No matter how much I want to go sometimes, going that way is not pretty.

Jaylaa: Maybe so. When I remind myself of that then I wonder what in hell is wrong with me? I am VERY well aware that there are plenty others who deal with far WORSE things than I do and they don't whine about it or feel overwhelmed. I rarely whine, actually. But I often feel very overwhelmed.

Dee74: I was afraid of that! :-)
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Old 11-05-2013, 07:37 PM
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Putting down the drink doesn't solve alcoholism, cuz I still have the ism's.

Drinking was just a symptom of something bigger going on. I had to do a major self examination of my thinking and behaviors, my expectations etc.

Recovery is more than just not drinking it requires a bit of work if you want to be happy. It's an inside job.
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Old 11-05-2013, 07:40 PM
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But I don't want to work harder, HARDER, HARDER for a little tiny result or no result at all except that my life gets more difficult.
Miyako, 10 months is FANTASTIC. Congratulations. On the 10th I'll be 3 years 4 months sober and I am just beginning to appreciate the "tiny results" I'm getting. Even the HARD is getting EASIER. Rootin for ya.

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Old 11-05-2013, 07:48 PM
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Okay, so you are miserable. What can you do? If you were miserable drinking and miserable not drinking, then it sounds like there is a YOU problem happening. Is there a certain something that you have always wanted to do that you now have the time to do? Pottery, Painting, learning to weld, mechanic stuff, or any other creative outlet that may be of interest? What about a gratitude list? There is a lot to be grateful for, and you have the power to turn this mind frame into something positive!
I know that you had blood work done and other tests. Have you had your thyroid checked?
Hang on and keep posting. Let it all out. Please know that you are not alone in your struggles. However, drinking will never be the answer to what is ailing you.
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Old 11-05-2013, 07:56 PM
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I can pretty much only echo what's already been said. If you take the alcohol away from the alcoholic all you get is a miserable alcoholic who can't drink. Lots of other things have to change if a person with an drinking problem wants to stay sober and be happy. That doesn't come overnight, and it doesn't come at all, unless someone is really willing and motivated. And has faith that it can and will change. There are lots of people doing that change lots of different ways here at SR. I did it through AA, so I can't go on with my detailed experience as I know you don't want to hear it. I wasn't happy for a while though, even with AA. Took small changes over long periods of time for me to learn to live differently. That didn't mean just not going to bars. It meant reprogramming my brain, and learning to live, think, act, and breath in ways I'd never known before. I love my life without alcohol. I hated my life with. I believe anyone who's honest, open minded, and willing can have that same exchange.
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Old 11-05-2013, 08:16 PM
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Neferkamichael: THANK YOU! I really mean it. You have no idea. Just you saying that brought tears to my eyes. I think I've had a pretty rough day and I needed some kind of acknowledgement. Thank you again :-)


Mizzuno: My thyroid was functioning perfectly.

To all: I do agree that you have to work on yourself too. Probably I expect dramatic results way too quickly and that is why I am bitter and grouchy. I don't agree with the AA steps though, sorry. For one thing, I didn't get to this point by saying I am powerless before alcohol. I got here by saying I am powerFUL. Nor do I believe in some internal psychiatric dysfunction labeled "alcoholism." What understand is that alcohol is an addictive substance. Everyone has a tipping point with it but it varies from person to person. ANYONE can become addicted to alcohol. It doesn't just pick certain types. What I do think is that PERHAPS I have missed out on some character development because instead of allowing myself to feel pain I have been anesthetizing it away for the last 17 years. I never thought of it that way before now, but I think I am onto something, so thank you for your observations -- they were very helpful. That could explain why life sucks so much for me right now. Maybe if I had learned better coping methods earlier on, it would not be so difficult.
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Old 11-05-2013, 08:32 PM
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When I quit drinking it was only the very beginning of a total ongoing overhaul.

I lost an enormous amount of weight but that's because I stayed very mindful of what I shoved down my throat. I started eating paleo'ish' and am now wearing a size 4/6 and I am a tall woman.

I stopped smoking a few months after I quit drinking. I did not start exercising until I had lost most of my weight but I did walk a lot.

I'm in a situation that does not allow me to develop real life friendships but I am able to find ways to spend time visiting residents of an assisted living center. They are such a delightful group of people.

I changed my hair and am sporting some great funky hair color and I'm older than you miyako.

I am permanently abstinent from alcohol. I will never drink again so I have not even considered any problems I've encountered, since I quit, as being a result of not drinking. I don't drink, ever, and that will never change.

Currently I have fallen victim to GASP a severe low back problem which, aside from being very painful and debilitating, is driving me batty and if things don't start looking up shortly I will be facing surgery. Ibuprofen and moist heat have become my best friends.

I've had several very sad life changing things happen since I quit drinking (and that doesn't include my back problem).

Thing is, my life has absolutely nothing to do with not drinking. It has everything to do with living life the very best I know how to right now.

If you feel like your life sucks, change it but none of the problems you posted seem to be related to not drinking. They seem to be related to being apathetic.

Anyway, didn't mean to preach. Oh, by the way, I have a great therapist that helps nudge me along life's twist and turns.
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Old 11-05-2013, 08:34 PM
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If you can start to think in a positive way about you and your life, then things can shift. If you tell yourself negative things, then those negative things are manifested into your existence. There is a lot of truth about the way that we choose to think and our thoughts do become our reality. I encourage you to write a gratitude list. This can make a huge difference.
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Old 11-05-2013, 09:02 PM
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I'm sorry that you are feeling rough, In my experience it requires patience waiting for the good moments. We can come to a better understanding of how ups and downs are the way it is. When abusing a substance we become numb, This is a symptom of living too fast of a lifestyle where clear minded understanding is under estimated. Perhaps some change in the way we relate to different circumstances is helpful to being happier. It's perfectly human to have anger, It's just that when we practice it over and over in our minds we want to rush and disregard all the beauty that surrounds us. We can have gratitude for a strong will to do the right thing. Might I recommend looking into some practices for slowing down such as mindfulness. It really helped me especially in the first few years, Remember you are building a foundation to sturdy a much greater and higher quality future for yourself which is the change everyone in the world can benefit from. You have done really good so far : )
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Old 11-05-2013, 09:16 PM
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Apathetic. That's funny.
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Old 11-05-2013, 09:22 PM
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Another: I have given that suggestion a lot of thought already and meditation is something I am going to start in 2014. I NEED THAT. Obviously. Apathy isn't my problem. Intensity far more so.

You may ask why not start this year? I learned that trying to do too much at once is a reason for failure. In 2013 I had just two resolutions: stop drinking and develop a regular cardiovascular exercise habit. For once in my life I actually made two New Year's resolutions STICK. And these were major accomplishments. So I am sticking to the program and will do two -- and ONLY two -- more in 2014. Meditation is actually one segment of a yoga routine I am going to do.
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Old 11-05-2013, 09:45 PM
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I gained about 70 pounds since I quit drinking (I had lost about 70 in the year leading up to it, with a couple 2-3 month stints of sobriety mixed in). I very obviously substituted food in when I had alcohol cravings. And that was actually OK with me b/c I wanted to truly become sober. My plan was to go back to what helped me lose the weight previously once I had a year sober in the bag (which will be Nov. 26). However, I decided to start earlier than planned. It is a slow process as I am very sore from heading back to the gym, but the plan is to become diligent about what I eat and work out (cardio and some weights) on a regular schedule. I know what you mean about things not changing much once you stopped drinking, but if you can combine a healthier lifestyle with the sobriety, things will begin to look up.
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