MrBen

So, I've been sober for about a month now and I'm feeling great, look healthy and my life has improved in almost every conceivable way.

Yet, I'm a little cynical about the whole "being sober is amazing!" attitude that most recovering alcoholics give to those starting this journey. Now, don't misunderstand me, choosing to be sober is the single greatest thing any addict can do for themselves and their loved ones. But I occasionally think in innocently trying to encouraging others to recover, some ex-addicts can be overly optimistic and make everything post-withdrawal seem like a dream come true, which is often isn't. I feel that the shock of still occasionally suffering post withdrawal, after being told everything will be alright, can be counter-productive.

I started drinking due to anxiety and depression and when I quit drinking, it least the first few times, the shock of "I'm not completely fine, everybody said I would be fine" was pretty upsetting.

The reality, in my experience, is that the first thing to concentrate on is withdrawal, go to the hospital, cut yourself off from temptation, take a week (or two) off work, or whatever you need to do, this is the critical bit.

After you will likely have a surge of energy and happiness, this for me lasted about a week before real life started to kick my arse back to earth. Stress, depression, anxiety, I suddenly had to deal with sober and that can be hard.

This is worth it, I promise you, in every way. The people who tell you everything will be great post recovery mean well and they are mostly right, but prepare yourself for the future. I feel this way you are more likely to find long term success.

Johnston

I think relative to using, being sober is pretty amazing,

MrBen

I think you misunderstand me, it is amazing, no doubt. All I mean is, perhaps a better attitude than "everything will be great after you sober up" is " sometimes being sober is hard, but it's worth it".

Dee74

I agree with Johnston...but to be honest I thought it would be instantly amazing too - and it wasn't.

I felt relief but I also felt beaten up, weary, scared, bored, angry irritable and resentful..

It took me probably 3 months before the physical and mental damage I'd done to myself began to heal and I felt my perceptions shifting...it was still a little time after that until I felt joy again....I'd dug a pretty deep hole for myself over the course of 30 years.

Not trying to depress you - your mileage will undoubtedly vary - but the point is, if you stay committed to being sober, you will get better and feel better - and you will find the 'amazing'

D

MrBen

I suppose the quote I used wasn't the best, all I mean is that among some people there is a denial of the difficulties that occur after the initial recovery. I'm not trying to demean the benefits of sobriety in any way.

Anna

I guess we have different experiences.

No one told me everything would be fine, ever.

I got sober to save my life and my family certainly didn't tell me everything would be okay. They were barely speaking to me. I had no Pink Cloud whatsoever, not even a week. I was faced with guilt and shame from Day 1 and I had to learn how to deal with it.

I was depressed and anxious long before I began drinking. I was not in a good place at all. Drinking made everything much worse. Stopping drinking saved me in every way. I never have to go back to the depressed, anxious place that was my life prior to drinking because I learned new ways to manage my life.

MrBen

Yeah, I didn't mean this to sound all inclusive, this is my experience of some attitudes I've come across, which while well meaning, are naive.

Leana

I agree with you and in fact I think I said something like this earlier. Don't get me wrong I am happy I chose sobriety but my life is anything but wonderful. I still have a same problems I had while drinking but instead of drinking to forget them, I'm dealing with them.

DoubleDragons

MrBen, I understand your post and I appreciate it. I am on Day 39 and while physically I feel great, emotionally I have been all over the block. I am not going to lie, sometimes the chipper, Pollyanna posts really get under my skin and annoy me (but I think I am at the irritable stage anyway). Other days, though, I really need the hope of the perky, Sobriety is Awesome post. That is what is so great about SR. We don't have to feel so alone with everything we are going through, because others are going through it, too. Your post reminded me that yes, sobriety is worth it and much better than the alternative, but at the same time it not going to always be (I was going to say wine and roses, but that is highly inappropriate) a bowl of cherries. So, I thank you!

Dee74

To be fair, I really like the happy posts.

Just because my journey was a bit rocky, it doesn't diminish the happiness I see in others, or that I feel by reading their posts.

I'm a lot less cynical than I used to be - I think that's been a big improvement for me, to be honest.

We're all on the same team, and we all end up in the same place at the end

D

MIRecovery

I want what I want and I want it now. This was my mantra for years and alcohol reinforced it. all I had to do with pop the cap on my old friend and he would take me there.

Recovery is a journey not a destination. Each day I put one foot in front of the other and each day I get a little bit better. God promises to change me so slowly that I will not realize that it is happening but when I look backwards I know that I've changed.

Sobriety is not all unicorns and rainbows there are bad days but most days are good some are very good and some are fantastic. in comparison to what I had life is better than I could have imagined

sunset01

I found it was my own belief "that life would be amazing" if only I could give up drinking, would be a more accurate statement after thinking about your opening post. Was it reinforced by statements made here probably yes, but I also remember reading posts like sobriety first and then the real work starts.

I didn't get it until everything I'd supressed/thought I'd dealt with in my past...came bubbling back to the surface....my mistake was not asking for help...and turning back to the bottle. At least when the drinking is gone you have the opportunity to make the healthy decision. And while its something I've not achieved YET...I wouldn't give up the 60 days that I was sober for, they've helped me realise more about myself than all the yrs of pot smoking and drinking combined.

nomis

Good post Mr. Ben. Actually I was thinking about this the other day. Specifically somebody mentioned the movie "Crazy Heart". Great flick, awesome depiction of a down and out drunk. But I was thinking about the end of the movie, when it appears that after Jeff Bridges becomes sober, money just magically begins appearing, so much so that he is almost throwing it away at people.

I've had to fight for every inch and scrap I've gained during sobriety. I would have never been able to do it while I was drinking, but nothing has come easy. Nor should it of course. But, I think I agree with Mr. Ben, that there might be a tendency to believe that once an alcoholic gets sober, they just need to sit back and have all these great things suddenly start happening.

The reality is, once sober, we need to start living life, with all of its ups and downs. It's not always a walk in the park, that's for sure, but for sure it is really living.

miyako

Thank you for posting that! I came here to post my own whine about how lousy I think my sober life is. The only reason I haven't had a drink is that I am not sure I want to give up something I worked so damn hard to achieve. Also, I know that repeated relapses only make recovery harder and harder. But I can completely relate to what you are saying.

I had a buoyant period where I was celebrating every fresh day of living sober. But you know what? It eventually dawned on me that it makes no difference. I was a functional alcoholic and no one ever knew I had a serious drinking problem. Except the local liquor stores, that is. And please, I am not exaggerating my drinking problem. I could probably fill my entire townhome from floor to ceiling with the vodka bottles I emptied. But it helped me get through life and deal with stress. Now I don't have that and frankly I want something more than just "same life except no booze" and it ain't happening.

I am really pissed off about it. Not AT anyone. Just frustrated and unhappy.

jaynie04

I feel that having my expectations managed help me weather the storms that have arisen so far. There is a great old saying for alkies "don't do something, just sit there".

So many of us are used to feeling really really good or really really bad that the middle ground feels traumatizing! I wrote about the fact that I felt like Margaret Mead studying the human race when I first got back from 30 days of inpatient. Watching "normal people" do things like bake cookies for a kid's birthday party, or have their tires rotated or go and buy lightbulbs. I felt like someone from an alien planet that was trying to fit in undetected.

Mr. B I agree with you that I think expecting too much too soon is a pitfall of early sobriety. I had a month of inpatient. Then, once home, I really laid low and chilled big time. I detoxed off of a decade on benzos too. I knew there was no way my brain was going to snap back overnight. After a month away I spent the next 3 months hunkered down, going to therapy, and I avoided any situations that would likely trigger me. Not having booze at home (I found a few old bottles during that time but got rid of them) meant that this was my safe place. Right around 60 days I hit a pretty rough patch of ennui, a number of other posters here were in the same boat with about the same time, so my guess is that it was PAWS. I slept a lot during that time. I've been pretty mellow about letting myself eat more junk than normal. I tried not to stress about the fact that I didn't feel very productive.

I know this sounds weird but there is a part of me that feels like a wimp because I avoided so many situations that would have triggered me that the cravings have been pretty intermittent and not terrible.

I decided that now at a little more than 4 months in I need to start moving forward gradually. I realized this weekend that I have not taken a nap in 2 months. I was ALWAYS taking naps. It just hasn't occurred to me.

I ventured into my home office last week. I had avoided it since I got home, the last couple of years I would always pour a big glass of wine because I would feel so anxious and overwhelmed by all the piles of disorganized paperwork. I stayed the course, it took almost a week (and yes I played hooky by being on here way too much )...but I found the carpet. I can sit at the desk. Go Jaynie, you're a rock star...ok, too much toner fluid.

I feel like I am ready to start branching out, and I feel ready to start testing my sea legs in deeper water. And I feel like I can retreat back to this comfort zone if it gets rocky at any point.

Drinking isn't that last thing on my mind anymore when I go to bed, nor the first thing I think of in the morning. I drove by a pharmacy that I used to get my prescriptions filled at yesterday afternoon. It's beautiful here in Connecticut, the leaves are all stunning, it's like driving through stained glass. Just the look of that pharmacy reminded me of feeling dank and dismal, it felt so good to just drive by in the clean sunshine.

That's the good thing about this new life, it looks just as good in the sunshine, no more shadows and secrets and darkness. The crappy days do wander in, sometimes unexpectedly, but they are more erratic, not the continuum of misery like the end of my drinking. I was reading a post of mine from 2 months ago, and I can't believe the difference. I know in another 4 months I will feel the same way about today. I think sticking around to see what is around the next corner can be a pretty exciting adventure if you look at it that way.

EndGameNYC

Sorry to disappoint, Mr. B., but my life is pretty amazing to me. And I'm not alone. As jaynie says, a lot depends on you're expectations. For me, I'm happy believing that the sky's the limit.

If what you're seeing and hearing is that there are a lot of folks who are singing the praises about what comes after putting down the drink, you should check out a large number of threads here that indicate people are struggling badly in their sobriety. Depression, insomnia, cognitive impairments, mood swings, nausea, indifference, lethargy, indigestion, migraine headaches, anhedonia...and a partridge in a pear tree. On the flip side, very few people here claim to feel consistently "amazing" or anything like it soon after putting down the drink.

It's called selective listening...or reading. Very few people feel great right away, at least consistently. It takes most people months, even years, to reliably enjoy the benefits of a sober lifestyle.

I suffered for almost a full year after coming back following a three-year relapse. The changes most certainly came -- sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly -- and often when I wasn't aware of them. I was miserable in early sobriety, and it only got worse before it got better. I had intense cravings for the better part of ten months that nearly knocked me out of the box. But I took a leap of faith and believed that there was a better way for me. That's the basis of my spirituality. Not about an imaginary friend who grants wishes, or a supreme power that deigns to grant me a better life because I'm a special person.

Skye2

I guess I'm lucky in that I was a late starter when it came to drinking, so I have lots of pre-drinking happy memories and past-times/hobbies that I can resume now.
I imagine if drinking has been a long-standing thing, then people would need to 'find' interests etc.
Either way though, as said above, it sure beats the hell out of withdrawing and hangovers

DoubleDragons

interestingly, I remember reading years ago that the author of Crazy Heart wanted Jeff Bridges' character to be lying in a gutter at the end of the movie, but of course, the powers that be in Hollywood thought that was too dark, and wanted a "Hollywood ending".

Nightswimming

I know what you mean Mr Ben. Stopping the booze has been a physical and mental rollercoaster for me. Coupled with clinical depression and anxiety the last 2 months haven't been a party from beginning to end. However, there is no doubt in my mind they would be worse (even if I didn't realise it) if I was drinking.

I've come on here and posted when I've felt really good (like yesterday) and things are going well. I want to give others a positive message and also thank people for their support. I've also come on here when I've been at rock bottom and luckily for me have received the support I needed at that time.

I suppose what I've learned is not to look at any post in isolation. I've looked at positive posts from forum members some days and can't imagine feeling like that again and maybe even feel a bit p-d off that they seem to be doing better than me. Ridiculous I know! What positive posts do give people is hope of beating this thing and keeping it beaten. So in my mind keep the success stories coming!!

snipe

Hi Anna,

Thanks for everything you do on these boards.

I sure hope that things got better for you eventually. How long did it take for you to begin to feel OK?