Should we bring her home?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
Should we bring her home?
Summary: 23 yr old daughter, 1st time in recovery. She did 33 days in patient and is on day 37 day of partial hospitalization (PHP) and living in a sober recovery house. PHP is 8AM to 4PM daily.
I'm not thrilled with the recovery house, there doesn't seem to be any structure, or follow through of the rules. No one checks that AA meetings are being attended; we were told random drug tests would be done weekly- she's been there 5 weeks and not once has anyone been tested. But the biggest problems is that she is the "newbie", all the other women in the house have been there for at least 6 months, so they all have jobs, etc. She goes to PHP and then sits by herself for the rest of the day. And financially, it is becoming a strain. She has a job but it doesn't start for another week. She wants to come home.
Thoughts? Comments?
I'm not thrilled with the recovery house, there doesn't seem to be any structure, or follow through of the rules. No one checks that AA meetings are being attended; we were told random drug tests would be done weekly- she's been there 5 weeks and not once has anyone been tested. But the biggest problems is that she is the "newbie", all the other women in the house have been there for at least 6 months, so they all have jobs, etc. She goes to PHP and then sits by herself for the rest of the day. And financially, it is becoming a strain. She has a job but it doesn't start for another week. She wants to come home.
Thoughts? Comments?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Do what feels right for you.
Perhaps if she comes home...and is starting a job in a week...you could make a deal that she work for 3 months and save enough for a place of her own?
Or...perhaps she could stay where she is and find a place once she starts to work and also arrange to help repay you for some of the cost of the sober living house?
What does she want?
There are so many factors and other possible options here, that only you and she can decide what is right for everyone.
Good luck, this cannot be easy.
Hugs
Perhaps if she comes home...and is starting a job in a week...you could make a deal that she work for 3 months and save enough for a place of her own?
Or...perhaps she could stay where she is and find a place once she starts to work and also arrange to help repay you for some of the cost of the sober living house?
What does she want?
There are so many factors and other possible options here, that only you and she can decide what is right for everyone.
Good luck, this cannot be easy.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Let her stay. all of you can handle one week til she gets a job and so gets some more structure and/or activity in her life.
Probably folks with more experience than I will be coming along to give advice. But that is my first reaction - that she has been there for this amount of time and in one more week things will be a little better.
Are you going to Al-Anon or Naranon? That is my suggestion for you and the rest of her family - it will help you through this time...
Hope that helps.
Probably folks with more experience than I will be coming along to give advice. But that is my first reaction - that she has been there for this amount of time and in one more week things will be a little better.
Are you going to Al-Anon or Naranon? That is my suggestion for you and the rest of her family - it will help you through this time...
Hope that helps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
We go to a family support and education group hosted by therapist from her rehab. My husband (her dad) and I go each week.
I went to Al Anon once but didn't care for it, I like the family support group much better. It is much more informal and it has the added benefit of having a professional who knows our addict leading the group.
She wants to come home but has told us we need to decide what works best for us.
I just found out that her roommate's mom is pulling her out. She has many of the same concerns I do. Our two girls are the only 2 in the house under age 35. Now it will only be my daughter. I think we are going to bring her home.
I went to Al Anon once but didn't care for it, I like the family support group much better. It is much more informal and it has the added benefit of having a professional who knows our addict leading the group.
She wants to come home but has told us we need to decide what works best for us.
I just found out that her roommate's mom is pulling her out. She has many of the same concerns I do. Our two girls are the only 2 in the house under age 35. Now it will only be my daughter. I think we are going to bring her home.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
My only recommendation would be to have very strict rules/guidelines for when you bring her home. This is what any therapist at rehab will tell you. This would involve attending so many meetings a week, helping out around the house, time frame for a job, therapy continuation and of course no alcohol or drugs!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 127
I agree. I would make sure that boundaries, strict rules and the consequences of breaking those rules are in place before she comes home. Write them out like a contract and both sign it and post it on the fridge as a reminder. The only thing is, you have to make sure you are prepared to follow thru with the consequences if/when she breaks the rules. Will you have the courage to tell her to move out regardless of where she may have to go? You know your daughter best. Do you feel like she is sincere in her recovery?
It's such a difficult thing. I feel your pain.
It's such a difficult thing. I feel your pain.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I hope all works out well for all of you. I think the important thing is for everyone to work together as a family, each doing their share, and remain open and honest with each other.
Hugs from this mama's hopeful heart.
Hugs from this mama's hopeful heart.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 4
I'm too have a daughter in php (though she is not doing too well with following the rules there) she is in a structured sober house but not sure she is going to make it there ( again she must follow rules). The one thing I do know is for now I can't have her in my home. That is a decision I made for me: my peace my serenity. If she fails at this latest attempt at sobriety, she is In her own and she knows this. I, for one could not make it without the alanon family groups and my sponsor. I encourage you to try out a few more meetings as every one is different and it sounds like you were just at a not so great meeting. The treatment center groups are good but their objective is to focus on her. It is good to have a group / program that focuses on you. I can't tell you what to do but a member if AA told me once that it really doesn't matter in the long run. If an addict wants to use there's nothing you can do to stop them. Conversely if an addict is ready to get clean, they will despite the circumstances, there is no magic formula.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Leana: I know you are concerned. But please consider this.
1) Your "girl" is a grown woman with a grown-up problem she needs to solve. From what you have said, being in that house is not abusive for her. I do not get the sense that they are asking her to do anything illegal. Those older women can be mentors for her in a way that her own age group cannot. She has 24/7 access to people in recovery, and they can very quickly call her out on her manipulative/addictive type behaviors in a way that you cannot.
2) Where are you getting these stories from? From your daughter alone? From another mother who is perhaps a huge enabler? Perhaps if you had access to other residents in the house you would hear a different story. Your daughter's brain has been manipulating stories for a long time - and this might be the same thing.
3) Let her stay. It is a fact of life that when we go home we start behaving like children in a way we never do when we are not at home. That holds true for all of us. But for the person trying to recover from an addiction, that could be devastating.
4) She is starting a job in a week. Some of your concerns will go away once her time is occupied by work. And being responsible for her rent is a good thing for her growth.
4) Try another Al-Anon meeting.
5) Strict rules and consequences do not stop our loved ones from using in our home. However, they do make us prison guards. That is not good for our recovering loved ones or for their family.
That's my take on it. Hope that helps.
1) Your "girl" is a grown woman with a grown-up problem she needs to solve. From what you have said, being in that house is not abusive for her. I do not get the sense that they are asking her to do anything illegal. Those older women can be mentors for her in a way that her own age group cannot. She has 24/7 access to people in recovery, and they can very quickly call her out on her manipulative/addictive type behaviors in a way that you cannot.
2) Where are you getting these stories from? From your daughter alone? From another mother who is perhaps a huge enabler? Perhaps if you had access to other residents in the house you would hear a different story. Your daughter's brain has been manipulating stories for a long time - and this might be the same thing.
3) Let her stay. It is a fact of life that when we go home we start behaving like children in a way we never do when we are not at home. That holds true for all of us. But for the person trying to recover from an addiction, that could be devastating.
4) She is starting a job in a week. Some of your concerns will go away once her time is occupied by work. And being responsible for her rent is a good thing for her growth.
4) Try another Al-Anon meeting.
5) Strict rules and consequences do not stop our loved ones from using in our home. However, they do make us prison guards. That is not good for our recovering loved ones or for their family.
That's my take on it. Hope that helps.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I agree with sojourner, she needs mentors who have been in recovery – she cannot get that at your home.
She needs to learn how to live a life drug free by witnessing others who are succeeding at pulling their lives back together.
Is your plan should you decide to bring her home – to monitor her AA meetings, make sure she is attending? Drug testing her at your home?
She needs to learn how to live a life drug free by witnessing others who are succeeding at pulling their lives back together.
Is your plan should you decide to bring her home – to monitor her AA meetings, make sure she is attending? Drug testing her at your home?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
all the other women in the house have been there for at least 6 months, so they all have jobs, etc.
wouldn't you consider that a GOOD thing? these other women have stuck it out for at least 6 months now, are gainfully employed, etc etc. part of learning to be a grown up is learning to have staying power, sticking it out, and not running home to mom and dad everytime something gets a teensy bit uncomfortable.
wouldn't you consider that a GOOD thing? these other women have stuck it out for at least 6 months now, are gainfully employed, etc etc. part of learning to be a grown up is learning to have staying power, sticking it out, and not running home to mom and dad everytime something gets a teensy bit uncomfortable.
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