Not SUPER Dependent on Drinking..? Pecular Self-Story Here!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 1
Not SUPER Dependent on Drinking..? Pecular Self-Story Here!
So I read through some of the other threads but were unable to find anything that I could relate to, so I figured I'd post my lengthy one:
I've lived by myself since I graduated high school, and I support myself through my own business (which I do enjoy 90% of the time). My parents were ecstatic not to have to support me after graduating high school like all the rest of my friends, and all they pay for is part of my tuition (whatever I don't feel like paying for myself). I still pay all of my own bills and have never had to resort to asking my parents or anyone else for money... ever.
From ages 18 to 20 I really didn't drink much at all say here and there. I worked all the time and was basically a hermit. I hated that lifestyle. I may have loved work but I had zero social connections and was really struggling with trying not to be gay. I internalized all of that and acted out by becoming a workaholic to not have to think about it as much.
When I hit 21 is when I really started drinking... hard. On weekends I would go out with friends and drink to the point of blacking out Fridays and Saturdays. I was a very friendly drunk, did stupid stuff like drive drunk at 150 mph on the freeway and should be dead for many of the stupid things I did. Strangely enough, I survived jumping off a staircase, nearly getting hit by a cop car walking down the middle of a busy street at 3AM, etc. During weekdays when I would be by myself at my apartment, I would sit down, watch really inspiring movies about overcoming things, feelings, spirituality, etc (Pay it Forward, City of Angels, V for Vendetta, Finding Neverland, The Hours, and many others). While watching these movies, I had out a notepad and would slowly drink for 5-8 hours all night and bawl, write down notes about my feelings, childhood, coping, etc. It was a self-therapy method that surprisingly had very effective results...
When I hit 22, I came out as gay to everyone all at once for my new years resolution. I had built up a 100% accepting/loving group of nearly 100 good friends, primarily attributed to going out and drinking with them, laughing with them, and getting to know them. All thanks to alcohol. If I hadn't started drinking at age 21, I would still be a self-hating homo sitting in my 1-bedroom apartment cave.
My drinking consumption went way down for awhile and now I drink every day of the week, usually just a couple of drinks each night during the work week and get mildly drunk with friends (not blacking out) on the weekends to have fun.
Now that you know my history, I'm struggling to change my habits now. Not physically or mentally struggling, but trying to find a balance. The problem I have with my drinking is how very unproductive with work I become. When I was 18-20, I was making thousands of extra dollars each month because I worked so much extra. However that was wrong too because I was miserable. Now I still break even each month, but since turning 21 (I'm 23 now) I have increased my net worth by $0.00. I work just enough to cover the expenses, and the rest of the time I just goof off, sleep during the day, etc.
Every time I take a week off from drinking now (for example), I end up getting over-zealous with work and I go nuts that way and have zero social life. If I drink though, I have zero drive to get up the next morning and work. I'm not hung over, but it does something to me where I just don't want to do anything at all the next day. I'm sure that people have experienced that on here.
What would you guys suggest to maintain a balance? If it isn't obvious, I can maintain control of my drinking - I simply choose to drink more because I'd rather be more sociable and have less money compared to being a hermit. I believe that drinking every day of the week is bad, but if I try to just drink on weekends I end up sliding back into my work week because I have friends now who I randomly go out with on random weekdays to have a beer or two downtown. Then I end up drinking every day again.
My tolerance is so ridiculously high now that having just a couple of drinks is a total waste of time. Also all of my mental exercises when I was going through the process of coming out has made me incredibly resistant to the effect of alcohol - I can pound down 16 shots in a hour and a half and still have a in-depth conversation about computer programming with a coworker and walk home. Even the bartender told me he was in awe of that after he said he could no longer "ethically" serve me any more (this was awhile ago by the way - when I was 21).
I owe a great deal of great things in my life to alcohol. I seriously think I would have killed myself had I not given myself self-therapy treatment, all thanks to alcohol.
I'm thinking at this point to take the entire month of November off from drinking and "reset" in hopes to find a balance. I haven't taken more than a week off before at all and was thinking that maybe by doing 30 days that I might be able to find a harmonic balance.
What do you guys out there think?
Thanks!!
I've lived by myself since I graduated high school, and I support myself through my own business (which I do enjoy 90% of the time). My parents were ecstatic not to have to support me after graduating high school like all the rest of my friends, and all they pay for is part of my tuition (whatever I don't feel like paying for myself). I still pay all of my own bills and have never had to resort to asking my parents or anyone else for money... ever.
From ages 18 to 20 I really didn't drink much at all say here and there. I worked all the time and was basically a hermit. I hated that lifestyle. I may have loved work but I had zero social connections and was really struggling with trying not to be gay. I internalized all of that and acted out by becoming a workaholic to not have to think about it as much.
When I hit 21 is when I really started drinking... hard. On weekends I would go out with friends and drink to the point of blacking out Fridays and Saturdays. I was a very friendly drunk, did stupid stuff like drive drunk at 150 mph on the freeway and should be dead for many of the stupid things I did. Strangely enough, I survived jumping off a staircase, nearly getting hit by a cop car walking down the middle of a busy street at 3AM, etc. During weekdays when I would be by myself at my apartment, I would sit down, watch really inspiring movies about overcoming things, feelings, spirituality, etc (Pay it Forward, City of Angels, V for Vendetta, Finding Neverland, The Hours, and many others). While watching these movies, I had out a notepad and would slowly drink for 5-8 hours all night and bawl, write down notes about my feelings, childhood, coping, etc. It was a self-therapy method that surprisingly had very effective results...
When I hit 22, I came out as gay to everyone all at once for my new years resolution. I had built up a 100% accepting/loving group of nearly 100 good friends, primarily attributed to going out and drinking with them, laughing with them, and getting to know them. All thanks to alcohol. If I hadn't started drinking at age 21, I would still be a self-hating homo sitting in my 1-bedroom apartment cave.
My drinking consumption went way down for awhile and now I drink every day of the week, usually just a couple of drinks each night during the work week and get mildly drunk with friends (not blacking out) on the weekends to have fun.
Now that you know my history, I'm struggling to change my habits now. Not physically or mentally struggling, but trying to find a balance. The problem I have with my drinking is how very unproductive with work I become. When I was 18-20, I was making thousands of extra dollars each month because I worked so much extra. However that was wrong too because I was miserable. Now I still break even each month, but since turning 21 (I'm 23 now) I have increased my net worth by $0.00. I work just enough to cover the expenses, and the rest of the time I just goof off, sleep during the day, etc.
Every time I take a week off from drinking now (for example), I end up getting over-zealous with work and I go nuts that way and have zero social life. If I drink though, I have zero drive to get up the next morning and work. I'm not hung over, but it does something to me where I just don't want to do anything at all the next day. I'm sure that people have experienced that on here.
What would you guys suggest to maintain a balance? If it isn't obvious, I can maintain control of my drinking - I simply choose to drink more because I'd rather be more sociable and have less money compared to being a hermit. I believe that drinking every day of the week is bad, but if I try to just drink on weekends I end up sliding back into my work week because I have friends now who I randomly go out with on random weekdays to have a beer or two downtown. Then I end up drinking every day again.
My tolerance is so ridiculously high now that having just a couple of drinks is a total waste of time. Also all of my mental exercises when I was going through the process of coming out has made me incredibly resistant to the effect of alcohol - I can pound down 16 shots in a hour and a half and still have a in-depth conversation about computer programming with a coworker and walk home. Even the bartender told me he was in awe of that after he said he could no longer "ethically" serve me any more (this was awhile ago by the way - when I was 21).
I owe a great deal of great things in my life to alcohol. I seriously think I would have killed myself had I not given myself self-therapy treatment, all thanks to alcohol.
I'm thinking at this point to take the entire month of November off from drinking and "reset" in hopes to find a balance. I haven't taken more than a week off before at all and was thinking that maybe by doing 30 days that I might be able to find a harmonic balance.
What do you guys out there think?
Thanks!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 577
Welcome to SR, ana!
I think for most of us here, controlling our drinking was either futile or too annoying to maintain. I'm convinced normal, non-alcoholics don't need to worry about how much they drink, and don't spend a whole lot of time thinking about it (I wouldn't know for sure, because I am 100% qualified).
If you can maintain through all of November without drinking.....sounds like you don't need to worry too much. If negative consequences start piling up as soon as you start drinking again, maybe that needs another look.
Good luck, keep us posted...
I think for most of us here, controlling our drinking was either futile or too annoying to maintain. I'm convinced normal, non-alcoholics don't need to worry about how much they drink, and don't spend a whole lot of time thinking about it (I wouldn't know for sure, because I am 100% qualified).
If you can maintain through all of November without drinking.....sounds like you don't need to worry too much. If negative consequences start piling up as soon as you start drinking again, maybe that needs another look.
Good luck, keep us posted...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,742
I gotta say that quitting drinking completely cured me of that problem of yours of not feeling motivated at work. Oh, there's still days, it's unavoidable, but my life amped up and I became very productive, and more aware of my limits and receptive to them.
And it was ASTONISHING how much money I saved.
I highly recommend it for someone like you.
And it was ASTONISHING how much money I saved.
I highly recommend it for someone like you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi anacortes 
For years I worked hard - then relaxed myself into a stupor with alcohol and drugs. Eventually the drugs and alcohol took over and I spent more time 'relaxing' than working.
That kinda sounds to me like where you are now.
If you're not super dependent on alcohol, then you should be able to set it down and walk away without any major issues.
Forget about a month though - really test out that theory of yours - find out for sure.
Give yourself 90 days without a drink.
If you find yourself working yourself silly, find other healthier ways to relax and unwind.
There's no need for you to be a hermit - just find like minded people who like to do things sober
Exercise, hobbies, reading, meditation - even volunteering in your community - all those things can be a great way to spend your leisure time and decompress from the pressures of work
D
For years I worked hard - then relaxed myself into a stupor with alcohol and drugs. Eventually the drugs and alcohol took over and I spent more time 'relaxing' than working.
That kinda sounds to me like where you are now.
If you're not super dependent on alcohol, then you should be able to set it down and walk away without any major issues.
Forget about a month though - really test out that theory of yours - find out for sure.
Give yourself 90 days without a drink.
If you find yourself working yourself silly, find other healthier ways to relax and unwind.
There's no need for you to be a hermit - just find like minded people who like to do things sober
Exercise, hobbies, reading, meditation - even volunteering in your community - all those things can be a great way to spend your leisure time and decompress from the pressures of work
D
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
You have had a journey there and a lot of growth.
Over time for me alcohol became more of a problem. I was still "high functioning" when I managed to break free after years of trying to get it right (moderate, have breaks, cut down, rules, fitness kicks, half hearted attempts to quit). Truth is looking back I can see that when I started to understand that I had a problem I was in too deep.
For my money if your tolerance level is increasing there is an "issue"- these things seem to get worse- not sure if it resolves spontaneously for anyone who posts here.
Over time for me alcohol became more of a problem. I was still "high functioning" when I managed to break free after years of trying to get it right (moderate, have breaks, cut down, rules, fitness kicks, half hearted attempts to quit). Truth is looking back I can see that when I started to understand that I had a problem I was in too deep.
For my money if your tolerance level is increasing there is an "issue"- these things seem to get worse- not sure if it resolves spontaneously for anyone who posts here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by coraltint 
I'm convinced normal, non-alcoholics don't need to worry about how much they drink, and don't spend a whole lot of time thinking about it (I wouldn't know for sure, because I am 100% qualified).
It is funny when I think about it. I mean I drink coffee. I have my two/three cups in the morning and I am done. I don't drink it the rest of the day. I don't think about it the rest of the day. I don't have to moderate my coffee intake. I don't crave coffee but there is that once in blue moon when a cup at five in the evening sounds good. I have that one cup and I am satisfied.
I assume this it what is feels like to be the person that drinks normally. They don't crave it, it does not cross their minds during the day, but every once in a blue moon a drink sounds good. They have one or two and they are satisfied.
Obviously coffee is not alcohol and does not pack the same punch but in theory I imagine it is the same difference.
I love those "drink responsibly" logos they place on billboards and in TV ads. Those reminders are not needed for the person I have mentioned above and they mean nothing to the alcoholic who could not drink that way if they tried. I wonder who they are talking to? LOL
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Silver Spring, MD
Posts: 109
Hi and welcome!
You have a lot to be proud of. You had the courage to come out to everyone and the drive and skills to be financially independent while still in college.
My advice is to make finding a work/life balance during your time of not drinking. I can certainly relate to that challenge. I'm an entrepreneur and can be a workaholic. All of that effort cut into my social life and I got so wound up that I could only relax and be social by drinking.
I was a binge drinker at your age and didn't do anything about it for 10 years, by which time I had become a daily drinker and couldn't stop. Now, 10 years later I have been struggling to stay sober, achieving the occasional period of months or a year or two and am currently in an inpatient rehab after a particularly bad run of drinking.
I've met and talked to thousands of people along the way and almost no one who develops a problematic drinking pattern can ever go back to drinking normally. The quantities you are talking about drinking are definitely outside the "normal" range of drinking behavior. There's a saying that once you become a pickle, you can't go back to being a cucumber.
While its likely the best thing for you would be to never drink again, I doubt you are ready for that. Therefore, I would just suggest that when and if you do start drinking again, pay close attention to how much you drink and what it does to you. If you find yourself back in the same situation, you know you have a problem. Then I would suggest that you immediately seek help (here, AA, books, counseling, friends, family, whatever works for you). The longer you go, the harder it is to stop.
I wish you all the best.
You have a lot to be proud of. You had the courage to come out to everyone and the drive and skills to be financially independent while still in college.
My advice is to make finding a work/life balance during your time of not drinking. I can certainly relate to that challenge. I'm an entrepreneur and can be a workaholic. All of that effort cut into my social life and I got so wound up that I could only relax and be social by drinking.
I was a binge drinker at your age and didn't do anything about it for 10 years, by which time I had become a daily drinker and couldn't stop. Now, 10 years later I have been struggling to stay sober, achieving the occasional period of months or a year or two and am currently in an inpatient rehab after a particularly bad run of drinking.
I've met and talked to thousands of people along the way and almost no one who develops a problematic drinking pattern can ever go back to drinking normally. The quantities you are talking about drinking are definitely outside the "normal" range of drinking behavior. There's a saying that once you become a pickle, you can't go back to being a cucumber.
While its likely the best thing for you would be to never drink again, I doubt you are ready for that. Therefore, I would just suggest that when and if you do start drinking again, pay close attention to how much you drink and what it does to you. If you find yourself back in the same situation, you know you have a problem. Then I would suggest that you immediately seek help (here, AA, books, counseling, friends, family, whatever works for you). The longer you go, the harder it is to stop.
I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 64
I'm thinking at this point to take the entire month of November off from drinking and "reset" in hopes to find a balance.
i'm not making fun. i have done exactly the same thing. ultimately, I have found what I was looking for in AA.
i think that, for a short period of time, alcohol and drugs may have had a net positive effect on my life. they helped me loosen up, or whatever. but, of course, any freedom that is dependent on getting loaded is a rather limited freedom.
you may find that, in time, your circumstances get worse faster than you can lower your expectations. we will be here for you...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 345
Originally Posted by anacortes
I owe a great deal of great things in my life to alcohol. I seriously think I would have killed myself had I not given myself self-therapy treatment, all thanks to alcohol.
but, my problem accelerated and all these "great" things disappeared...alcohol is not your friend, you might be different than me, but it progresses and can really jack your life.
hope you stick around and explore some options...
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Anacotes, you might want to read 'under the influence' which points out that alcohol in small quantities has a beneficial effect. The problem for most of us here at SR is that we went beyond the beneficial stage and became addicted.
There are some red flags in your post: not being able to function socially without A, life threatening behaviour when drinking (and not just to yourself), increasing tolerance, attributing magical properties to A.
You sound like an analytical type of person so in addition to your dry month, why not spend time researching A, the stages of alcoholism, danger signs etc. There are plenty of books on Amazon to choose from.
I agree with you that you need to strike a balance, but keep in mind that you may be in the minority that become alcoholic. Many As start out slowly, some like me don't progress into alcoholism until early middle age.
There are some red flags in your post: not being able to function socially without A, life threatening behaviour when drinking (and not just to yourself), increasing tolerance, attributing magical properties to A.
You sound like an analytical type of person so in addition to your dry month, why not spend time researching A, the stages of alcoholism, danger signs etc. There are plenty of books on Amazon to choose from.
I agree with you that you need to strike a balance, but keep in mind that you may be in the minority that become alcoholic. Many As start out slowly, some like me don't progress into alcoholism until early middle age.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
The problem with alcoholism is that it is progressive it only gets worse. I have found poeple who do not have a problem do not worry about how much they drink. In your post you stated multiple warning signs. The daily drinking, drinking more than you really want to, drinking to fit in, the lack of ambition. all these are signs that alcohol is getting you in its deadly grip.
The choice is yours to continue down a dead end path or to find a new life without alcohol.
The choice is yours to continue down a dead end path or to find a new life without alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 8,642
Since you asked what we thought......
I was just barely understanding sobriety at 30 days. I agree with Dee... 90 days would be a better choice. And if you are an alcoholic, like me...... Forever is an even better choice.
Good luck .
I was just barely understanding sobriety at 30 days. I agree with Dee... 90 days would be a better choice. And if you are an alcoholic, like me...... Forever is an even better choice.
Good luck .
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