deadpie

I've done all the steps two times before and going down the road the third time after my relapse. In the first 50 meetings (which was 5 years ago) I wouldn't admit it, sometimes randomly though.. Then I started saying it and getting used to it. Although, it dawns on me now after a bajillion meetings how hard it can be to truly admit and say "I'm an addict, powerless over drugs"... I mean every time you go in the room, have to say your name, share, give a burning desire, go on off/topic, if you're called on by someone, told to hand out keytags, stuff like that...

Just saying it over and over gets harder and more humiliating. Like I definitely 1000000 percent know I'm an addict, but this feeling really hurts me. There's shame in it, feeling of failure, especially after so many damn relapses..

..When does admitting seriously finally not get in the way of negative emotions? When can one go to a meeting, say they're an addict and it doesn't effect them in such a way?

Thanks for reading and comments.

StevenT

I honestly never felt that. I felt freedom that I have found a place where I belong, where everyone is the same as me. I felt that I could finally grow from being an addict and an alcoholic into a real human being who does more then exist, but live. To this day I am proud to say that I am an alcoholic/addict, not because I'm different or worse or any other derogatory word, but because I have recognized something about myself and done something about it.

It might be that your perspective is not entirely your own on this, but a product of society, of upbringing, or of experience. I know that for myself growing up there was a bit of the "Don't do drugs" propaganda (I use that word because that's my perspective on what it was) but my family and friends all drank and smoked pot, with a spattering of worse stuff here and there. For me it was pretty normal. It just took time for me to recognize that it may be normal for others but it's debilitating for me.

DayTrader

Is there shame in saying any of the following:
"I'm can't jump 15 feet in the air"
"I'm unable to run 20 miles per hour"
Probably not. Expressing a truth that I understand and accept isn't shameful. No more shameful than "admitting" I'm 5'8" or have blue eyes.

What if you said those lines every day for a month? Would it be shaming? Porbably not.

I'm a golfer.....so what if I said, "I can't ever shoot par." Deep down I don't believe it, so saying it could be taken as shaming.
How about this, "I can't ever shoot 18 for 18 holes." Similar.....but realistically nobody can hit the ball that far/well so this is no longer shaming because it's just a truth. It doesn't mean I can't ever play golf and have fun....just that I need to have realistic expectations.

IF you think you do have the power to get and keep yourself sober, then saying you're powerless would be shaming. If you're just convinced you should have the power but haven't seemed to exhibit it, it would probably be shaming. Shame, for me, usually comes out of not being honest with myself about my reality.......and/or having unrealistic expectations. Mix in a big chunk of "I need to please others" and I'm off an running into a never-ending nightmare.

My experience regarding powerlessness helped me get over my self-imposed shame. Here's what I mean:

Looking back, I couldn't control my drinking once I started. Now, I THOUGHT I should be able to control it.....but my history showed pretty clearly that I didn't - not that often anyway. My history also showed that I wasn't able to stay stopped permanently. I FIGURED I should be able to stay stopped but that hadn't happened.....never permanently. My history also showed that when I did stop drinking it wasn't long before life started to feel crappy....thus leading me back to the bottle for some relief or some fun. I was sure I should be able to stop and be happy....but my experience showed that almost never happened. Those things are true for me they actually happened- can I admit it to myself and can I accept it in my heart? Well, if I can't....the result WILL be shame, for sure.

Today, I accept my reality. I try to never again cling to the wishes I have, thinking psychotically that if I wish for them enough they'll become true. I'm also getting better at not judging reality as good or bad. At first, being an alcoholic SEEMED like the worst thing ever. Now, I'm so glad I'm an alcoholic I can't even tell ya. It's THE best thing that ever happened to me because my alcoholism forced me (through lack of workable alternatives) into recovery and BAM........I finally GET the life I had always just dreamed about but never found.

I'm an alcoholic. No more shame in admitting that than in admitting any other truth about myself that I accept and know in my heart.

Raider

No reason to feel shame. You wouldn't feel shame if you had a tumor. No different. You have a disease. That's all.

tomsteve

"When does admitting seriously finally not get in the way of negative emotions? When can one go to a meeting, say they're an addict and it doesn't effect them in such a way?

when ya stop letting it.
pride and ego have to be deflated. yer no better than the ones that went before ya.

miamifella

I remember how hard it was for me. Someone told me that the great thing about rehab is that it gets you so used to talking about addiction that you stop feeling humiliated by it. And I think she is partially right. It is just a matter of practice and the more you are able to talk about your addiction, the more free from shame you become.

I think that sometimes 12-step recovery perpetuates the shame by limiting the ways you can talk about your alcoholism/addiction. It is great when you are feeling strong and hopeful, but you need to also talk when you feel weak and fearful. If you don't talk about that stuff, then your addiction will always feel like a shameful secret.

What helped me was talking to non-addict friends and therapists. With them I could say the negative stuff I was feeling. Then I could go back to the meetings, be positive, and say "I am an addict" without feeling as humiliated. Eventually it became something I could talk about. Now I teach and refer to my addiction in front of my students without shame. Ten years ago I never would have thought that could happen.

It just took practice.

BadCompany

When you stop putting a moral judgment on addiction.

ippochick

i don't feel any shame in admitting my alcoholism. i just did step 1 with my sponsor - i don't think powerlessness over drugs/alcohol equates to helplessness. if we were helpless we wouldn't have found AA/NA.

i have found acknowledging and admitting my alcoholism incredibly freeing. i am no longer caught up in an endless cycle of lies and shame and chaos.

mrschoices

"..When does admitting seriously finally not get in the way of negative emotions? When can one go to a meeting, say they're an addict and it doesn't effect them in such a way?"

When out pride has levelled enough that it is no longer uncomfortable and acceptance really comes.

neferkamichael

There was failure for me, I failed to be able to maintain my drunken lifestyle through my own devices. I was so desperate to quit, I finally surrendered and now I'm 3 years 4 months sober. Surprisingly the shame and guilt went away fairly quickly. Rootin for ya.

keithj

Step 1 is all about 'conceding to our innermost selves that we were alcoholic.' Going through the BB and sharing experience with a recovered alcoholic gave me the necessary understanding and insight into what it meant to be an alcoholic. When I could really accept that fact, deep down in, it no longer had a value placed on it. It was just a truth for me.

Perhaps the shame comes not from being an alcoholic, but from being an alcoholic that keeps relapsing? It's a tough place to be, but one that many of us been. I know sometimes other AAers can seem (or maybe are) judgmental about this, as if there is some pride in being successful at staying sober. But the truth for me is that I was unable to see it before I could see it. I'm not sober because I work harder or am smarter or anything else. I'm sober because I got beaten down enough to see the truth about myself, and other AA members were there to show me how to recover.