confused, don't know what to do
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Coon Rapids, MN
Posts: 1
confused, don't know what to do
I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. I've known he was an alcoholic for most of that time. He finally admitted it last fall after a very turbulent series of events. Long story short, his exwife was angry with him, knew he had just left a bar, called the police with a story about how this derranged driver nearly ran her over while she was walking on the sidewalk. He blew a .09, legal limit in MN is .08, and he was arrested for his second DUI. Court is still going a year later, jury trial is in December.
He went to AA for a couple months after this and said he stopped going because he didn't think he needed it. Instead, he and I began regularly going to church, one with a focus on addicts. I gave Al anon a try as well but we had both felt this church left us with more. My boyfriend moved back in with me, for the second time, in July as he was being evicted from his apartment as a result of financial burdens this DUI brought on. I let him move in with what I thought was an agreement he'd be working to better his situation, get on his feet with a deadline of Oct 1st to be actively working towards that. Instead, I've felt taken advantage of and that all I'm doing is enabling him to do nothing but sleep and watch TV. I know he's been depressed but I'm starting to feel it's just an excuse.
He has made some noticeable positive changes since last fall. He's more involved in his kids' lives. He'd been sober for 11 months (I feared it was primarily because of his ignition lock), he got licensed to sell insurance but never really did anything with it. He's had every excuse in the book as to why he's done nothing to get himself on his feet. He had said that he was going to cut off people who he knew were not good to be around. One passed away this summer, and the two remaining problem people are family members.
He was with them this weekend and he had his first slip in just over 11 months. He told me it was just stupid, he ran out of pop and started drinking beer. He had 3 beers while these friends cheered him on and welcomed him back to the party. He came home with the sour sweet smell seeping out his pours and confessed that he had drank. I was in the middle of getting ready to go to work. I didn't have much to say than to cuss out the people he was with for applauding his return to drinking. And I cried the whole way to work.
I don't know what to do. I've made my list of pros and cons and they are equal. My parents and friends don't understand why I'm still with him. They've not said anything outright against him, they know it's my decision. It's just so painful to hear them say they want the best for me, and tell me I deserve so much better, and see me struggling to support my boyfriend. I've made him leave my house for the time being. He's given me back the key and left with a bag of clothes with the plan that we'll talk in a week. I fear he's staying with these 2 family members. He swears up and down he will go to AA this time and he wants the other AA members' advise on how to deal with these two family members. He said not mine because they are family and he doesn't want any resentment there. my theory is that they already do resent me for forcing him to be sober as long as he had been. They had tried hard to make me stay away from him last fall.
Any advice would be incredibly appreciated.
He went to AA for a couple months after this and said he stopped going because he didn't think he needed it. Instead, he and I began regularly going to church, one with a focus on addicts. I gave Al anon a try as well but we had both felt this church left us with more. My boyfriend moved back in with me, for the second time, in July as he was being evicted from his apartment as a result of financial burdens this DUI brought on. I let him move in with what I thought was an agreement he'd be working to better his situation, get on his feet with a deadline of Oct 1st to be actively working towards that. Instead, I've felt taken advantage of and that all I'm doing is enabling him to do nothing but sleep and watch TV. I know he's been depressed but I'm starting to feel it's just an excuse.
He has made some noticeable positive changes since last fall. He's more involved in his kids' lives. He'd been sober for 11 months (I feared it was primarily because of his ignition lock), he got licensed to sell insurance but never really did anything with it. He's had every excuse in the book as to why he's done nothing to get himself on his feet. He had said that he was going to cut off people who he knew were not good to be around. One passed away this summer, and the two remaining problem people are family members.
He was with them this weekend and he had his first slip in just over 11 months. He told me it was just stupid, he ran out of pop and started drinking beer. He had 3 beers while these friends cheered him on and welcomed him back to the party. He came home with the sour sweet smell seeping out his pours and confessed that he had drank. I was in the middle of getting ready to go to work. I didn't have much to say than to cuss out the people he was with for applauding his return to drinking. And I cried the whole way to work.
I don't know what to do. I've made my list of pros and cons and they are equal. My parents and friends don't understand why I'm still with him. They've not said anything outright against him, they know it's my decision. It's just so painful to hear them say they want the best for me, and tell me I deserve so much better, and see me struggling to support my boyfriend. I've made him leave my house for the time being. He's given me back the key and left with a bag of clothes with the plan that we'll talk in a week. I fear he's staying with these 2 family members. He swears up and down he will go to AA this time and he wants the other AA members' advise on how to deal with these two family members. He said not mine because they are family and he doesn't want any resentment there. my theory is that they already do resent me for forcing him to be sober as long as he had been. They had tried hard to make me stay away from him last fall.
Any advice would be incredibly appreciated.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
Welcome to SR, Krista. You'll find a lot of support here. We have a Friends and Family forum that you might find helpful. Here's a link...
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Krista, I really think that you should take this time, while he is living separate from you, to think about what you truly want for yourself. You cannot force someone to be sober for long. Whether or not he truly wants recovery isn't anything you can control.
You don't have to make any decisions right now. Maybe, just give it some time and see what he ultimately chooses to do. You didn't cause his alcoholism, you cannot control his alcoholism and you cannot cure his alcoholism.
In the meantime, I hope you'll read around the Friends and Family forum and especially pay attention to the stickie posts at the top. There is a lot of good information there. Post as often as you feel the need. We're here to support you.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Krista, I really think that you should take this time, while he is living separate from you, to think about what you truly want for yourself. You cannot force someone to be sober for long. Whether or not he truly wants recovery isn't anything you can control.
You don't have to make any decisions right now. Maybe, just give it some time and see what he ultimately chooses to do. You didn't cause his alcoholism, you cannot control his alcoholism and you cannot cure his alcoholism.
In the meantime, I hope you'll read around the Friends and Family forum and especially pay attention to the stickie posts at the top. There is a lot of good information there. Post as often as you feel the need. We're here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: columbus,ga
Posts: 6
krista>
I understand where you are coming from, I too have dated addicts in the past.. it is hard to love someone and watch them go through this and feel like if you abandon them in their time of need it will be your fault if they fail.
I had to make the best decision for me which was to leave him, cut him off completely. Two weeks later I meet the man (a diff one) that I ended up marrying and is the love of my life..
after a year of no communication and everyone telling me that my ex's addiction and falling off the wagon was attributed to me leaving him I called him. we had a very mature talk..he has relapsed since several time but is now living in florida with a serious girlfriend and a good job so seems to be doing well.
My point is no one can tell you what is right for YOU, you have to decide that for yourself. but you cannot change an addict, you can only encourage them to seek help for a better life for THEM.
I hope this helps in any way
"Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.”
I understand where you are coming from, I too have dated addicts in the past.. it is hard to love someone and watch them go through this and feel like if you abandon them in their time of need it will be your fault if they fail.
I had to make the best decision for me which was to leave him, cut him off completely. Two weeks later I meet the man (a diff one) that I ended up marrying and is the love of my life..
after a year of no communication and everyone telling me that my ex's addiction and falling off the wagon was attributed to me leaving him I called him. we had a very mature talk..he has relapsed since several time but is now living in florida with a serious girlfriend and a good job so seems to be doing well.
My point is no one can tell you what is right for YOU, you have to decide that for yourself. but you cannot change an addict, you can only encourage them to seek help for a better life for THEM.
I hope this helps in any way
"Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.”
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