Screw this.

Old 11-04-2013, 06:02 PM
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Screw this.

I decided. I'm leaving.

The less he drinks (he really is trying), the bigger of a jerk he becomes. I have called him abusive before. I don't know if he really is, because I barely know which way is up anymore, but I know he's a big f#*cking jerk. The things that come out of his mouth are disgusting. Racist, sexist, homophobic. I hate it. He is cruel to me and he doesn't care. He is ungrateful for the the things I do for him. He mocks the parts of me that I think are extra "me" (my sensitivity, my want to fix the world, my quirkiness). I could go on and on, but there's no point.

I am leaving. Not today, not tomorrow, but I am leaving. I am a mother with limited skills. I need to save more money and make a plan.

I hope I feel free and lighter one day.
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Old 11-04-2013, 06:10 PM
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Be strong. You can do it!
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Old 11-04-2013, 06:11 PM
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Get your plan and go. You'll be a lot happier once it takes effect! You'll be fine.
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Old 11-04-2013, 06:47 PM
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Originally Posted by JanieJane View Post
I decided. I'm leaving. The less he drinks (he really is trying), the bigger of a jerk he becomes. I have called him abusive before. I don't know if he really is, because I barely know which way is up anymore, but I know he's a big f#*cking jerk. The things that come out of his mouth are disgusting. Racist, sexist, homophobic. I hate it. He is cruel to me and he doesn't care. He is ungrateful for the the things I do for him. He mocks the parts of me that I think are extra "me" (my sensitivity, my want to fix the world, my quirkiness). I could go on and on, but there's no point. I am leaving. Not today, not tomorrow, but I am leaving. I am a mother with limited skills. I need to save more money and make a plan. I hope I feel free and lighter one day.
I am in a similar boat with you in the sense that I'm a mother with limited skills. I've been planning on going back to school; wheat her its just to learn more computer skills and brush up on my Spanish or to actually get a degree I haven't decided. I'm not mentally, verbally or physically abused but I do have the fear that someday I'll have to take care of myself by myself. Having a plan is never a bad idea. It will probably give you a little peace to be proactive.
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Old 11-04-2013, 09:40 PM
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Go Janie! I admire your spirit and thank you for writing what I've been thinking..."screw this!" I admire that sass and anger like you are throwing down the gauntlet. The I have had ENOUGH and I am worth more than I've been getting. Worth a thousand, million times more than I've been getting.

My husband promised me he wasn't going out tonight. Knew that was a quack after I had told him that if he was going to be up and bumping around the house all night that I was sleeping on the couch and he came into the living room dragging all the bedding and said "well, you said you would sleep on the couch." The literally hundred year old couch that i got from my great aunt which was HER parents and is uncomfortable as heck. i want to sleep in my own bed on my new mattress. And while I was reading through posts on here and not quite paying attention he was out the door. Car gone.

So, I echo your SCREW THIS. Go Janie!
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Old 11-04-2013, 11:08 PM
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With him gone, hopefully, he wasn't driving drunk. He could hurt some innocent person on the road and today it is considered a serious crime. Good for you getting away from that trash.
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Old 11-05-2013, 03:56 AM
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I guess my AB (is that how you say alcoholic boyfriend?) wasn't interested in trying very hard last night. He went back to his old amount - a 26 ounce bottle of whiskey. He has PTSD and when he drinks a lot, he gets very confused in the night. He had nightmares all night and kept me up for two hours, swearing, name calling, and being physical. I pretended to be asleep, hoping it would make it better if I didn't respond. He kicked, shoved, pushed, pinched me, tried to throw me onto the floor. Other times, I've tried getting up and leaving the room but he just follows me. Does anyone else deal with PTSD in their partner? What is the best way to handle this?

Ruby2, I'm sorry you had to deal with that last night. <3
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Old 11-05-2013, 04:08 AM
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I have one other question for this morning. He doesn't really eat anymore. Some here and there, but never a full meal or even enough for an infant in one sitting. Is that an indication that his alcoholism has progressed to a certain point? Is that common with alcoholics?
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Old 11-05-2013, 04:25 AM
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Hi Janie,

Having a plan is great! Setting aside money, opening your own account, getting all your important papers in a safe place (birth certificates, etc.) are all things that should, perhaps, be considered...

I'm afraid I don't know if all later stage alcoholics don't eat, but my stepson had very little appetite at one point. I've read here on SR that the alcohol consumed takes the place of the calories they would normally eat, and some alcoholics once they quit drinking crave sweets.

So, any chance you could sleep on the couch so you wouldn't get beaten up in the night? Better yet, any chance HE could sleep on the couch?
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Old 11-05-2013, 04:46 AM
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Janie, not all alcoholics eat, late stage or not. My AH eats like a starving pack of wolves at times. When I was at the worst of my drinking last year before going into treatment i hardly ate at all.alchohol messes with your stomach and you can't eat. At my worst I was practically skeletal. Stress does that too.

I am sorry you were a punching bag last night. Can you go somewhere? Easy to say and type and suggest but you can't I've like that.
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Old 11-05-2013, 05:23 AM
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I've tried to sleep on the couch or in the spare room, but sometimes he won't let me. If he's awake when I go there, he follows me and yells and calls names and takes the bedding away and grabs ahold of me and tries to drag me back to our bedroom. If he's asleep when I sneak to the other room, it's fine unless he wakes up. Then he stumbles around the house til he finds me and it's more yelling, name calling, and dragging me back to bed. It's almost easier to stay in the bedroom.

Wow. That's not even near the realm of normal behavior. Typing it out makes it more clear.
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Old 11-05-2013, 05:31 AM
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Hi, when my marriage broke up and I moved away, I had no skills, no degree. It took a while but i built up a career and now am doing well. At first I couldn't actually believe that people wanted to pay me.
Just wanted to give you some encouragement. It's easy to focus on what you don't have, and forget that you belong to one of the most employable, reliable group of people, which is mature women. I mean that as in personality, not age.
Taking on extra study is a great way to enhance what you have.
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Old 11-05-2013, 05:32 AM
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Originally Posted by JanieJane View Post
Wow. That's not even near the realm of normal behavior. Typing it out makes it more clear.
You got THAT right! And that may be a big first step for you, realizing just how "not normal" your life has become.
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Old 11-05-2013, 05:43 AM
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JanieJane, what your alcoholic boyfriend (ABF) is doing is abuse. Pure and simple. Abuse.

It is dangerous, and it can escalate, particularly if he has PTSD. There are stickies (permanent threads about universal topics) at the top of the index page for the Friends and Families of Alcoholics index page. "What is Abuse" is very helpful. My story is there.

Please take some time and read about this; his behavior could be very serious and he could hurt you. Once someone crosses the line into physical abuse, it is hard to cross back.

You can call your local Domestic Violence center, anonymously, and talk with someone and get some resources and help. They can help you make an exit plan in case you need to take your children and leave suddenly.

I know it is a shock to hear stuff like this. When I left my now XAH, I was so buried deep in his alcoholism and abuse, that I didn't really understand what was happening to me until well after I left.

Keep coming back, we're all here for you.

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Old 11-05-2013, 08:33 AM
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Just on a slightly different side of this coin... It hurts me to hear you and Katchie say that you have limited skills. I bet both of you have more skills than you can count. It's just that because you use them on a daily basis for something outside the normal occupation role you don't see them as clearly as you could. They always say find what you love.. it's way better than finding "a job".

What are you good at? Baking, cooking? Gardening, caring for kids, interior decorating, researching, fixing things? Use the strengths you already have to build upon your skills and by all means please don't tell you're self you're limited. It'll only pigeon hold you where you're at.

And if you want to brush up your spanish or maybe a computer course... try one of these: 12 Dozen Places To Educate Yourself Online For Free

No commitment, no fees, just pure knowledge You can do this!
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Old 11-05-2013, 08:42 AM
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O my. My heart goes out to you. One thing I don't want you to do is to excuse this ABUSE...are you listening...it is ABUSE....because he has PTSD. It is his issue to deal with and drinking is certainly not the solution. You did not cause it and you cannot cure it. I hope you get in touch with a shelter or do whatever you need to do to get out and stay safe!!!

Hugs and Blessings! Keep posting, you are not alone!
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Old 11-05-2013, 08:55 AM
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hmmm, THAT is not typical PTSD, per se.

Usually *just* nightmares, hyper-vigilance, detachment. That was about my own level, but it was still pretty bad from an inside perspective.

Had a couple of uncles with more severe service -- one was Bataan Death March, the other WW2, UDT, South Pacific. They would sleep in separate beds from their wives during "crazy" times.

Is he prior service? The VA deals with stuff all day, every day.

As far as the Bigger Jerk with Less A . . . yeah that is heading towards a condition called Dry-Drunk. Like stopping the Self-Medication w/o fixing the "Problem(s)." About where Mrs. Hammer has been hovering around since Rehab.
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Old 11-05-2013, 08:59 AM
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Originally Posted by JanieJane View Post
I guess my AB (is that how you say alcoholic boyfriend?) wasn't interested in trying very hard last night. He went back to his old amount - a 26 ounce bottle of whiskey. He has PTSD and when he drinks a lot, he gets very confused in the night. He had nightmares all night and kept me up for two hours, swearing, name calling, and being physical. I pretended to be asleep, hoping it would make it better if I didn't respond. He kicked, shoved, pushed, pinched me, tried to throw me onto the floor. Other times, I've tried getting up and leaving the room but he just follows me. Does anyone else deal with PTSD in their partner? What is the best way to handle this?

Ruby2, I'm sorry you had to deal with that last night. <3
My XABF suffered from PTSD that was made worse by his drinking. It was terrifying. I found it was better if I didn't fight back. Which is hardly ideal when someone is pressing a pillow over your face. Those nights have contributed to my own PTSD.

This may sound harsh, but the best way to handle it is to not be there. Until you are ready to leave permanently, as soon as you think a night might be heading down this route your best bet is to get out of the house. I never realised soon enough and he would trap me there once he got going, he was very strong even when completely confused.

I felt like being his GF I should be there with him through his struggles, he was sick and suffering after all. What I never considered tho was that he was responsible for being in that situation. There is treatment available for PTSD that he could have taken up, but chose not to. He was allowing himself to stay sick and I was joining in. It is the same with his alcoholism. He he won't help himself there is nothing I can do to help him and I just get hurt in the meantime. I on the other hand sort out treatment for my PTSD as soon as I realised what might be going on, I want to be better. I guess he doesn't.
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Old 11-05-2013, 12:47 PM
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PTSD adds an extra element of unpredictability, and it worries me. Please call at DV center and let them connect you with resources to get you to a safe place, and help you get on your feet. You have more skills than you realize, and you have a bright future ahead of you. You don't have to stay and take the abuse. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable, and you have every right to leave-- before it gets worse. Please take care of yourself. We are here for you because we genuinely care, and we don't want to see you get hurt. Or worse.
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Old 11-05-2013, 03:56 PM
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Hammer, no he is not a vet. His PTSD is due to severe childhood sexual abuse (that he refuses to deal with, hence the issues with alcohol).

I hear you all saying his behavior is abuse. If a friend said her boyfriend was doing this to her, I'd call it abuse. But somehow I can't quite make the leap for myself. Or I do have moments when I see it as abuse, but then I decide it's not.

Either way, it's unacceptable. I'll just focus on that.
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