BlueChair

HUSBAND IS COMING HOME FROM REHAB THIS WEEK

feeling happy and nervous

I read too much about people leaving rehab and relapsing right away

He is going to continue with the outpatient program through the rehab four days a week, but he only would commit to it for a month. He wants for us to go on a months vacation after Thanksgiving and until Christmas. He says he needs to get away, he has been inside his head too much for too long because of rehab and he needs a break. His parents are NOT HAPPY understatement there. They demanded I refuse to let him come home unless he commits to more outpatient, but I couldn't do it. The counselor also said he saw nothing wrong with us taking a vacation, but wants him to continue when we get back in January, and he wont do that right now. I cant control that, and maybe he will change his mind in the next couple months.

On top of my own personal emotions, I have his parents angry at me doesn't help because they are not quiet angry, they speak up. Right now they are refusing him to use the vacation house they own out of spite because they dont like his plan. I know they have the right, but its not going to change his mind, only make for hard feelings I think.

Almost forgot to share I will be continuing with counseling also. I still need it

Leana

I guess my question is why are his parents so angry? Was he using while living in their household, ie...they've been through this before and know its not going to work?

And a second question is can you afford to take a month's vacation after having been in rehab for 30 days?

hopeful4

A word of caution. Life after rehab does not snap them into being the ideal spouse--said by someone who knows, trust me. I let my AH come home right out of rehab, it was my worst mistake ever. He needed that time to learn the skills to support himself and to work on him. I should have been working on me. Separately.

You are right. His parents have a right to set boundaries and to be angry. They see you as an enabler. I am not saying you are or are not, just that is what they see. I am sorry, I am not trying to be harsh, just trying to explain their actions. In their mind their vacation home is (rightly so) something they can control so they will do so, it is their boundary.

It sounds like you have made up your mind but I do hope you are reaching out for help for support for yourself.

Good Luck and God Bless!

KeepinItReal

BC - IMHO he has been living breathing recovery for 90 days. His parents, with best intentions at heart sound like they are still trying to control HIS recovery. A month vacation does sound like a lot but probably wants to spend making up to you. (Beware this can be manipulation) it may not be.
The truth is... only he knows what his real intentions are. He probably wants things to just be normal again.
His parents fear the worst. That he will stop getting help, ruin his marriage, destroy his career and die are rational fears due to his past behavior. Its hard to give up control.
I think you should continue your self care even after this fabulous wonderful amazing time and you feel like a million dollars. You might feel all is well again.... but you should insist he follows up. Maybe even a weekly counseling?? Ask him to do it for you??? Not sure if I'm giving good advice. Seek your higher power.

Twofish

Hi Bluechair, I have followed you from your first thread until this last one. From my experience with my RAD and the rough journey we went on in the world of addiction...she needed the IOP therapy, 4 days a week. She felt kinda of "lost" after getting out of the hospital, all the structure and routine. My daughter took rehab extremely serious. She desired sobriety and wanted to live. When she had a court date and had to miss a IOP session she nearly went thru withdrawals. It was kind of comforting to her to have that daily face to face support. She also goes to meetings. It appears like she needs the support, craves it, like a lifeline. If I were to take her away on vacation for say a week, I would need to find meetings and set up our vaca around the meetings. That's how serious some addicts are about maintaining their sobriety. Support and hope. That's just my story of my teenage Heroin addict. All addicts are different, all recovery stories are different. My only suggestions, keep the support alive. Don't let it die or to be put in a back closet. Keep it alive, help your husband to stay alive. Well wishes Bluechair! TF

needingabreak

Hi BC, I am just going to give you my gut reaction. I know when my son came home he didn't know if he really wanted to because he knew it would mean facing reality. I would be a bit concerned that your H does not want to continue with the program. It is VITALLY important and my gut instinct tells me he is running away from reality. I understand why his parents are upset. They are most likely scared that after 90 days he now thinks he "did his time" and thinks he can try and go back to normal. You can't. I hope whatever you both decide it works out well for you. HUGS.

suki44883

Best I can figure, he's only been in rehab for about a month. All this talk about taking a month long vacation sounds great, I'm sure, but stop and think about it for a while. Could he be running from all this "recovery" stuff and maybe thinks he's got it all under control now? I am also a recovering alcoholic and I know it took me a lot longer than 30 days to feel steady on my feet, let alone ready for a month long vacation.

I know you are excited to get your boyfriend back, but please...don't rush into anything too soon. He could have all the good intentions in the world, but chances are, he's just not ready yet to put "recovery" behind him, even for a month.

BlueChair

This is the first time he has been in rehab and its been an inpatient rehab that he stayed in for a little over 3 months. This week he is still in rehab but transitioning into the outpatient program, he is doing the work of both. We had our family session together yesterday, going to continue these during his outpatient, happy about that. I don’t think his parents have anything to base their fears on like knowing he has done this before and it didn’t work or anything. I think they just want him to do every possible thing offered to him for as long as possible, and I think they are trying to control him and force him by holding back their approval, becoming cold. I sometimes feel like they want to use me to try to manipulate him into doing what they want, and I don’t think they care how it affects me or what trouble it would cause between us. I agree with them on some things but on other things I don’t, and I’m trying hard not to disrespect them but I can’t just follow their instructions because it’s my life. I’m not sure how to handle some things and they keep telling me I am not strong enough to handle him, I guess they think I don’t have strong enough boundaries. The counselor I work with doesn’t use the term boundaries but only asks me to think about what I want, what’s acceptable to me, what’s not, and I think it ends up being the same type of things as what boundary would enforce.

My husband won’t be going back to work until January, and my work is slow during the holidays and it shuts down for about three weeks so I have time off. We talked about his wanting to get away for a few weeks now, and I do think part of it is this need he has to escape, but I also think he has been working very hard doing what I call inside work, emotional work, and he feels he mentally needs time to reflect, and get away from it all. Its not like he wanted to go on a world tour, or a party cruise, wanted us to go out to where his parents have a vacation home and its quiet there, calm and spend time together. I’m not really against it I have to admit would be nice to get away, but I am not pushing for it. I know his recovering from the drugs has to come before anything else and I want him to put that before me, before everything because without his being healthy and off drugs nothing can exist. The drugs kill off everything good. His parents keep telling me how hard it is for someone who was using iv drugs to stop, and how bad he is going to be craving them. I don’t think I can do anything to take away my fears right now. He admits how much he loves cocaine, but the good feelings he gets from it are short lived because it spirals out and he cant control himself when he is on it, says he knows he can’t ever touch it again.

Maybe he will change his mind about outpatient once he has been in the program a couple of weeks. He is not one to get close to people and doesn’t like group meetings, wont confide in stranger’s type of thing and I know outpatient has more group interaction. He does like the counselor he has been working with and plans to continue that along with outpatient. Probably most people are nervous after something like this, being apart, and his coming home makes me relive what happened and that triggers fear.

Thanks for listening to me this morning

KeepinItReal

I'm going to put this out there. My husband blamed the stress of constantly having to go to outpatient (mandatory meetings) 3 times a week. The meeting were only an hour long (group) but it took 45 minutes to travel there and another 45 minutes to travel back. We are on a tight budget because of housing costs and it was an extra $300 in gas a month that really hurt. He personally felt that he didn't get much from them. He much rather go to a NA meeting than sit in this group (that were mostly alcoholics)
He said this on a few occasions but knew he had to do it to complete probation (that didn't happen).
He's coming home next week and we are going to a "hope" group together. It's not NA or AA but a self-help, self-recovery group that isn't based towards only drug/alcohol but anything anyone is struggling with. Weight, sickness, drugs... etc. (it's through a church)

Anyway, my main point is ... is that forcing someone to do something they don't want to do... in my husbands case... didn't go well. I don't really think he got anything out of the mandatory group... and he actually missed going to NA... but literally had no time between his 60+ hours work schedule.. and mandatory meetings. He would leave the house at 6am and not get home until 9pm. I'm in no way making excuses for him.

He would have liked to be able to come home, shower, unwind a bit, eat dinner and then go to the NA meeting of HIS choice. Which he never felt like was a waste of time. My husband also told me that rehab was worse than jail. He also doesn't like sharing with strangers but would like to listen and learn from others experience. He felt so accomplished the nights he would come home and said he shared.. and others would talk to him. It was a big deal for him to talk about himself in a group of people.

Well, I just want you to know that you are not alone being a wife or loving an addict. They are so different.. but so much the same.
Good luck with his homecoming!!

BlueChair

Thanks for posting and I relate to what your saying and it does help to know Im not alone! If your husband is coming home next week, then you must be about as excited and nervous as I am! Ive read some of your threads and I know he has been through a lot to get to this point. This is my first time going through it all

The counselor at the rehab has encouraged him to try the outpatient program saying it will help him transition home after being away for these months, will give him an outlet to talk about things that might come up so he doesn’t hold them inside (he always thinks he can handle everything !!). Its 4 days a week, a little over half a day but there is drive time involved and it will end up being a full day. Plus the separate counseling he will do there, and we are still going to do our family session together during outpatient because that was recommended. Its going to be like back and forth every day ! Probably what your husband felt when he had to go back and forth to meet his requirements. I think this is why my husband wont commit to more than one month right now. He wants to go back to work in January and doesn’t think he needs to cut back on his work load in order to continue outpatient but he did say he would stay on with counseling at twice a week. I think its like you said if he feels like he is being forced to do something then he will be resentful of it and not as open so Im not pressuring him. I have made it clear Im ok with his cutting back on work for a while even if it means we have less $, his health is more important. He had a hard time opening up in rehab with counseling, and even our family counseling. It wasn’t easy for me to do it at first, but once you get started and feel comfortable its better. But that is just one doctor and I don’t know how I would handle a whole group with new people coming in and out.

The “hope” meetings you talked about sound positive ! I would be happy to do something like that. Please post later on about how you like it. I will be thinking about your homecoming next week. I think after he has been home a week or so, we will invite people over for a real homecoming party.

incitingsilence

Bluechair, this is his rodeo and no one has the right to decide how he chooses to work his recovery. He more than knows where to get help, he has the tools and he knows what to do with them. If he stays with recovery he will own that, if he relapses he owns that as well.

And yes his parents will use you and manipulate you if you allow it. It is just part of the twisted dynamics, another dark side to addiction. You will also be easy to blame because you are there too. To avoid this, well take no stance, reiterate that he is an adult and capable of making the choices he feels he needs to make. And that you have no control over that at all.

You do not have to engage with his parents. They can do as they wish, withhold approval as they wish, withhold use of property as well as that is there right. Neither you or your husband need to take that personal because it isn’t. And neither of you will have any control to make them act, see or feel any differently.

You don’t need to defend his choices either, they are just that his choices or figure out how to explain what you think he feels…

As always keep working on you, it is less confusing that way. Make sure you take good care of yourself and watch any need to enable or go all out crazy codie.

Also please don’t try to get into his head to find what he thinks. Let him show the truth. It will be real evident how the choices he makes help or hinder him really quick. And in that the one guarantee will be that there was something he needed to learn.

BlueChair

Thanks ((incitingsilence)) I will try not to go all codie, will come here and have you guys knock me back in line if it happens !

His parents well his mom mostly I think she has gone insane with worry over his coming home. I dont know why all the sudden she is trying to bombard me with negativity but she keeps telling me all these horror stories of what to expect. She is crying about how I am hurting him by letting him come home and not making him agree to continue outpatient for more than a month. I feel confused by the thought I mean he has been in rehab over 3 months and is doing outpatient. This is our home not only mine and even if he promised today it wouldnt mean he would stick to it. Its better he is honest and says he isnt sure now than lie about it, try to manipulate to gain approval. At least that is what I think. i had to change her ringtone and Im not even listening to her messages anymore. I hope she calms down because he doesnt need this from her. His dad is calm at least but he took control of all the money except one joint account and he says he will not turn any of it over until he is sure things are stable. We are both ok with that but if we have any emergency we will have to go to him to get our money ! My parents are at least calm about it all maybe because they havent got too involved. Thank God I have them right now as my rock

Sorry my vent, his moms upset I wish I could make her feel better but I dont know what to say its like she wont listen to me anyway when I try to talk to her If any moms know what I can say to help her please tell me I dont want to be mean to her I cant take all the calls though I get too upset

hopeful4

I think you should tell her the truth. Read your above post to her, or some of it. Her codependency is not helping you and could trigger you into codependency which you seem to be handling pretty well currently. I would simply tell her you love her but her fear and upset are so out of control that you really cannot talk to her at all until she is more calm. I would advise your husband to do the same. Part of addiction is that the addict has to get well on their own. She cannot will it for him. If he is going to relapse he will do it with or without all of her emoations.

I don't really understand the entire $ thing, that you have to go to them to get your own$? Did you have a problem also that they had to take control of your funds? Not getting that part at all.

Hugs to you. You are in my prayers!

BlueChair

Tonight I have my counseling session and I think Im going to talk to the rehab and see if they will try to pull his parents in for another session before he is released. Someone needs to calm his mom down a little bit or I think she may have a heart attack or maybe give someone else one.

Sorry I guess the money thing wasn’t clear when he relapsed and went missing I found out he had been taking out a lot of money out of our accounts for the past few months. We were told to remove any access to money or credit while he was missing

bluebelle

I had a family member get extremely difficult when another family member was ill (not addiction issue). That person started telling everybody else what they should be doing and how they should be doing it. I found it best to back away from that family member. I had to give her space because she was lashing out and blaming. My boundary is that I won't accept blame for something that is not my responsibility.

incitingsilence

Boundaries are not only about the addict in our lives, we can use them with others too

She sounds like she had problem with controlling everything. Is she working on herself at all outside what rehab offered her?

And he will only be effected by her if he allows it. And he has to work that out, no assignments of what is good and or bad. This is life in the moment, he won't be able to hide from it, just face it head on.

Not sure about the money thing, that is way out there twisted...

I hope counselling helped you work some things out.

Ruby2

My two cents. I am an alcoholic. My husband is an alcoholic crack addict. I have been to in patient treatment once and out patient treatment once. My husband has been in multiple rehabs. More than I know. What any treatment/rehabs have in common is this...you are in an isolated environment trying, if you are honest, to get better. With a bunch of other people who are trying, if they are also honest, to get better. It creates this "we can conquer the world" rah rah cheer leading environment that has very little in common with the reality of life.

You get your medal/coin/key when you graduate and you pack your bags and walk out on your own into the sun of the real world where not everyone is patting you on the back. Where there are mothers that worry. Rehab is a false environment. Everyone involved, from addict to spouse to parent is scared, nervous, worried, is this going to work? This time?

I found that when I got out of rehab it was best to leap into meetings. I found it best for me to avoid MOST contact with anyone I met in treatment. When I got out of outpatient the first time one of my rah rah buddies showed up drunk on my doorstep within two weeks of getting out. It is a hazard. My husband started using crack with one of his buddies shortly after one of his stints.

Stick with routine. A routine that one starts to learn while in rehab. I cannot say for sure what happens with a drug addict and treatment. Hasn't worked long term for my husband long term. I know what worked when he managed to stay sober. He went to meetings. I don't know that I would go on a vacation. I know that I am most vulnerable when I have free time. When I am off. I know I am at my best when I have plans. When I am going to work. I relapsed recently. I have a week off next week. I had two weeks vacation to use or lose so I opted to take the vacation. I am almost wishing I opted to lose them. I am deathly scared that I am going to drink while off. Because it is mostly unstructured. I need that structure.

Good luck. Hugs. Realize that you love your husband but also that his parents love him too. Everyone wants the best.

BlueChair

Thanks for sharing what you both went through. I know he has had a routine in rehab and it will be a change for him. I hope he is ready and knows what to do but one of his issues seems to be the opposite because he has always been very controlled organized in a routine and now in some ways he needs to be ok breaking the routine and taking care of himself being more at ease so he doesnt get all wound up and snap.

I hope you do ok next week while your on vacation

BlueChair

The rehab did schedule an counseling session with his parents earlier today and I got invited too but not my husband. The counselor had me talk about what his mom had been doing calling me the last couple of days and she didn't like it when I played back a couple of the messages she left, my father in law couldn't believe stuff she said because he was at work and knew nothing about the calls. I hope it made a difference and makes her more aware of her own behavior and how its not right to put all that on me. She needs to work it out herself or park herself in the counselors office and let it out, maybe stand and look out at the ocean and let it all go. I hope it helped bringing it out in the open she was being a closet worry-er. Its not like Im not afraid.

HE IS COMING HOME TONIGHT and I get to go pick him up. I was off work today did the counseling thing with them, cleaned the house, bought groceries, started working on a special dinner so we can have a quiet celebration for his homecoming. Im still nervous along with being happy. Ive promised myself to let things happen naturally and we will find our way. I dont want it to be awkward, dont want to ask him how he is feeling all the time, things like that. I also know its ok not to be perfect and we already talked about it in our family session it will take some time and we have to be patient. My prayer is he is ready to come home, and is strong enough not to relapse right away

hopeful4

Praying for you and your family!