emily900

I guess this really isn't a question, it's more for advice. My then fiance and I have been together for 4 years, and up to the month of June, things have been going great. I knew about his past of heroin, meth, and cocaine use, but he never did those things with me (I couldn't tell anyways). While with me, I never saw any signs of drug use, just the occasional drinking and smoking pot. Starting in June he became all of a sudden distant and just very different. I remember one time I went to the emergency room for a kidney infection and he was nodding out on the chair beside me. I freaked out, which looking back wasn't the best decision. He told me he took some xanax before meeting me at the hospital. He would leave on the weekends and not come home for a few nights and not answer his phone. He would never steal from me or anything like that,just leave and not come back for a few days.
I found out that he was sleeping with someone who was selling cocaine and staying with her for most of the time. He admitted to me that he had fallen deep into drug use. Name it, he was doing it. He came home one night and packed his stuff and moved in with his new "girlfriend."
He called one night about a week ago out of the blue and said he admitted himself into a mental hospital because he just couldn't take it anymore being on the drugs and being around her. It has been 5 months since I have spoken to him. He said he tried calling me time and time again, but couldn't face what he has done. He told me he absolutely hates himself for what he did to me and he felt lost and out of control. After the 72 hours were up, he decided to check himself into a 90 day rehab program. He told me he wants another chance and he wants to be the "man I deserve." He says over and over again how he is sorry and that he wasn't himself. Which he wasn't himself anytime I saw him before he moved out. I'm just not sure what to do. I love him with all my heart, but what he did to me was just wrong. I know cheating isn't a mistake, it's a choice. But can being so deep into drug use make someone cheat? Is it wrong of me that I want to make things work between us even after what he did to me? I talk to him almost everyday and I have been writing him. I don't bring up the drug use or the cheating because he is trying to focus on getting better. I be going Wednesday with his mother to see him and talk to his therapists and that's when I will talk about the drug use and the cheating. He keeps saying over and over again how he wants to better his life and get better for "us." I am happy for him that he is taking the steps to better himself and I am proud of him because he came to realize that he was leading a life of destruction. I'm just not sure what to do because I love him more than anything, we built a life together and then all of a sudden it was gone.

hopeful4

While I cannot offer you any advise, what I can say is this. When my AH went to rehab it was the worst thing I could have done, letting him come right back home and taken him back. I think the point is that when you are in rehab and working on recovery, you don't need a partner. You need a sponsor and that is not you my dear.

I think in general for all addicts and partners the rule of thumb should be at least a year (and I believe they do say that in AA/NA) before you have any kind of relationship. You want him to prove he can live a clean life. Think of all the chaos. You need this time to work on you, he needs to work on him.

Good Luck to you!

BlueChair

Went through something close with my husband !! He relapsed after not using drugs for years and not at all during the time I knew him. His relapse went from a couple lines of coke to shooting coke and heroin. He became distant after he started using, had an affair with an addict, ended up in a drug house and admits he slept with women there but its a blur to him at that point. It hurts like he(( and it all happened in only a couple of months time. But I know him, I know how things were between us, how he was BEFORE he relapsed and I KNOW it was the drugs caused him to cheat. I dont think all drugs, but I understand from the counselors at rehab cocaine will break down all sense of right wrong and how do I say this, it triggers the body, pleasure centers to want sex. Not love, only sex. It is not the same, but its hard to separate out, and hard to forgive. Its been about 4 months now for me and I have forgiven, but what I feel is Im working through the pain and need time to rebuild trust with him. My husband will be coming home THIS WEEK from rehab he has been in for a little over 3 months. He is coming home but will be continuing with outpatient through the rehab for a while. If you were engaged and things fell off because of the drugs then I think go to the rehab and meet with the people there and learn, talk it out. Its helped me a lot doing that, and family counseling with him once a week put us back to a good place. GOOD LUCK

Txhelp

Make your decisions based upon his actions. His recovery is up to him...you have absolutely no control.

If you do decide to rekindle the relationship do it on your terms (boundaries).

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. You've come to a good place, and I hope you take advantage of the wisdom and experience of our little community.

I got to this point in your post --

-- and then stopped reading. As someone who was betrayed by an addict on multiple occasions, there's no way in hell I'd allow someone like this in my life under any circumstances. It's like putting a rattlesnake in your bed, and then crawling into bed with it. What do you think the snake's going to do?

As they say in Al Anon, take what you like and leave the rest...

ZoSo

Upsetnneedhelp

Cheating is never okay. Your story reminds me when my son was dating a female drug dealer. Yes, young "ladies" can be drug dealers also. She controlled his every move until he got finally tired of it.

emily900

It is just hard because I love him so much, and we had an amazing relationship until a few months ago. I will continue to support him as long as he's on the right track to getting better, but I don't think I can be back in a relationship with him. It is his time to get better and worry about himself. He already has an awesome job lined up when he is released that will require biweekly drug testing, so I am hoping and praying for the best. I have forgave him for the cheating. I understand he wasn't himself, but it is never okay. If I didn't forgive him then I would be stuck and wouldn't be able to move on. Talking to him tomorrow with his mother and his therapists will also help and make sure I am doing to the right things to support him.

atalose

This really doesn't have anything to do with him or his drug use or what he did while under the influence.

It has everything to do with YOU and YOUR self esteem. Are you the kind of woman who doesn't mind being cheated on? Lied to? Will accept excuses(drug use) to write it all off?

Addiction is a life long battle, rehab is only the beginning - a chance for him to walk through a door to live a life clean and sober with honesty. His history has already told you he can't maintain that life style - the drugs, the woman will always be calling his name and he will always be one bad decision away from picking up again.

When we are in pain when a relationship has ended and we can only see and feel the love from the beginning of that relationship, having them come back to us promising us there love and devotion - we jump and accept the unacceptable because we want OUR pain to stop, we want security for our future.

The fact you are stepping on egg shells around his sobriety, not wanting to rock HIS boat, means you have already placed yourself in the back seat while he drives this bus.

emily900

He never once used his drug use as his excuse for cheating. He owned up to what he did and blamed himself and said he doesn't expect me to come back or to trust him again. He understands his wrong doing. But he is focusing on himself. I'm worried I won't be here enough for him or say the right things. I have never been in this situation before and I want to do whatever I need to do to support him.

jjj111

Emily, I think it's very generous of you to want to help your ex. I guess the danger, as other posters have said, is that you could become so concerned about doing the right thing for him that you lose sight of what the right thing is for you. It might help to think a little, before you get in too deep trying to support him, about what your needs are and what your boundaries are. What qualities do you want in a partner? Do you value fidelity? Do you value sobriety? How much are you willing to give to an ex who has not been able to give you those things in the past? Your time? Your heart? Your money? A place to stay? Maybe he isn't asking for these things now, but he might in the future, so it might be good for you to think now about what your reaction would be if he did. How much you are willing to give of yourself is totally up to you. Hugs!

emily900

I haven't brought those things up to him yet, but I plan on doing so tomorrow. I don't want to keep hanging on to someone. We have been through so much. I value fidelity, yes. But I do believe people make mistakes and can change. I have tried to weigh the pros and cons, but it's always the pros that win even when there are more cons. Maybe that just comes with being an emotional woman?

jjj111

It might be helpful to discuss these things with him, but also remember that you have power in this situation--you get to decide what your boundaries are, and your needs are just as important as his. I'm sure there must be a very strong emotional pull to him because of that fantasy you had about how things could be if he would sober up. Maybe it seems like now your fantasy will come true? I dated a cocaine addict a few years back, and that fantasy life I imagined for us kept me stuck for a long time in a reality that was not so rosy.

BlueChair

My husband took responsibility for his actions everything happened during his relapse including the cheating. It looks like your ex has only been in rehab a little while ? My husband was unstable in the beginning, had PAWS you might want to look that up in case he gets it because it changes a persons moods, can become depressed and stuff. They cant go back and undo what happened, its impossible. All they can do is be willing to work on controlling the addiction, work on whatever caused them to use, I call it inside work, and then be willing to work to rebuild trust over time. I doubt he will be able to give you any type of answer right now except he is going to work on himself and try to get better to come out, go back to work, live a good life. I know its a little different because we are married. You can opt out, or live your life keep him whatever part you feel good about and see what happens. Addiction is chronic disease and can always come back, learn about it, think about if it is something you can handle as a possibility down the road happening again.