Need advice...I'm dating a recovering alcoholic. I've been with him for two years
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Need advice...I'm dating a recovering alcoholic. I've been with him for two years
During those two years I have convinced him to go to rehab and been along for the ride both with him sober and as an active alcoholic. It seems like it changes from day to day, week to week, month to month as to whether he wants to quit drinking or not. Some days he says he does, other days he says he's not ready to quit. Over the summer he spent about 3 months sober and it was wonderful. He had a good attitude and I finally felt like things were beginning to turn around. Then one day he woke up and decided to drink again. So he did.
He takes antabuse but one week he will be on the pills and the next week he will be off the pills because he can't stand it anymore and he wants to drink. I feel like I've tried everything with him through the years and nothing has ever worked including limiting his alcohol intake and he could never control it. I seem to always find out when he's been drinking as he says something rude to me or about me that he would never say sober and then he gets mad when I get hurt so he goes off on a bender.
Last Saturday was such a day. He had not been taking his antabuse for over a week and he came home Saturday drunk. Here's a little backstory, he's 24 and lives with me but when he has an alcohol issue or gets in one of his moods that he wants to drink I kick him out of my house and he stays at his parents house. Such was the case Saturday only HE told ME he was going to stay at his parents. He took a detour on the way there to a bar where he drank until the bar closed and then went to a friends house and drank the rest of the night. I did not hear from him again until Monday around 9:30 on his first break at work a day and a half later. He slept the whole day on Sunday and his parents let him. I texted his mom and asked her to please check on him and make sure he was still alive just so I could quit worrying. To them it wasn't a big deal because he's done that so many times before.
Of course Monday he was apologetic and told me he doesn't want to lose me and asked if it was too late to start taking the antabuse again and come home. Of course I took him back as I have countless times. Everything was good again for the first couple days last week and then he started getting into a bad attitude and telling me he wanted to drink again. It is still progressively getting worse. Last night we almost broke up because he says he can't keep going like this being so unhappy because he wants to drink and I told him I can't keep going with him drinking and treating me like he does.
So here's my question...what is your opinion, should I break it off with him and hope that by him losing me (according to him I'm his whole world and I do believe that) he decides to be sober once and for all? Or do I allow him to live with me and continue drinking and just hope that one day he will realize he wants to give it up. One thing I am good as is not enabling him. If he stays with me I won't get him up for work, I won't call in sick for him or make any excuses for him. I will make him pay his way for everything...he won't be able to borrow money from me, etc... But if he goes to his parents house they are enablers. They will do all that for him and more. Even sit with him while he drinks. It's so frustrating! I don't know what to do.
He thinks all he needs in his life is alcohol and me together in the same place. I'm trying to tell him that it will still be an unhappy life for him and that it will cause devastation for us both in mistakes he makes, financial difficulties, and hurt and resentment from me. I think his biggest problem is he has such an idealized notion of what our life would be like if I just let him drink in our home without giving him problems. He thinks he will have the best of both worlds, my thoughts are that he will still make bad decisions and bad mistakes because alcohol makes him do things that aren't right that he wouldn't normally do. So do I let him see what its like to live with me and consume alcohol how he wants to so he will realize it's not the ideal life he thought it would be after all? Will that be the only way he will ever drop it and realize that alcohol is not good for him no matter what the situation?
He takes antabuse but one week he will be on the pills and the next week he will be off the pills because he can't stand it anymore and he wants to drink. I feel like I've tried everything with him through the years and nothing has ever worked including limiting his alcohol intake and he could never control it. I seem to always find out when he's been drinking as he says something rude to me or about me that he would never say sober and then he gets mad when I get hurt so he goes off on a bender.
Last Saturday was such a day. He had not been taking his antabuse for over a week and he came home Saturday drunk. Here's a little backstory, he's 24 and lives with me but when he has an alcohol issue or gets in one of his moods that he wants to drink I kick him out of my house and he stays at his parents house. Such was the case Saturday only HE told ME he was going to stay at his parents. He took a detour on the way there to a bar where he drank until the bar closed and then went to a friends house and drank the rest of the night. I did not hear from him again until Monday around 9:30 on his first break at work a day and a half later. He slept the whole day on Sunday and his parents let him. I texted his mom and asked her to please check on him and make sure he was still alive just so I could quit worrying. To them it wasn't a big deal because he's done that so many times before.
Of course Monday he was apologetic and told me he doesn't want to lose me and asked if it was too late to start taking the antabuse again and come home. Of course I took him back as I have countless times. Everything was good again for the first couple days last week and then he started getting into a bad attitude and telling me he wanted to drink again. It is still progressively getting worse. Last night we almost broke up because he says he can't keep going like this being so unhappy because he wants to drink and I told him I can't keep going with him drinking and treating me like he does.
So here's my question...what is your opinion, should I break it off with him and hope that by him losing me (according to him I'm his whole world and I do believe that) he decides to be sober once and for all? Or do I allow him to live with me and continue drinking and just hope that one day he will realize he wants to give it up. One thing I am good as is not enabling him. If he stays with me I won't get him up for work, I won't call in sick for him or make any excuses for him. I will make him pay his way for everything...he won't be able to borrow money from me, etc... But if he goes to his parents house they are enablers. They will do all that for him and more. Even sit with him while he drinks. It's so frustrating! I don't know what to do.
He thinks all he needs in his life is alcohol and me together in the same place. I'm trying to tell him that it will still be an unhappy life for him and that it will cause devastation for us both in mistakes he makes, financial difficulties, and hurt and resentment from me. I think his biggest problem is he has such an idealized notion of what our life would be like if I just let him drink in our home without giving him problems. He thinks he will have the best of both worlds, my thoughts are that he will still make bad decisions and bad mistakes because alcohol makes him do things that aren't right that he wouldn't normally do. So do I let him see what its like to live with me and consume alcohol how he wants to so he will realize it's not the ideal life he thought it would be after all? Will that be the only way he will ever drop it and realize that alcohol is not good for him no matter what the situation?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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You are right. It's like he messes up and feels panic and remorse and will do anything for me to tell him I will still work with him and then things get hard again and he gives in to his urges. I hate the cycle. I want to break the cycle but I'm afraid.
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You are making the mistake of trying to control his drinking problem and you can't. It is up to him to quit when he's ready. You sound strong, and I suggest you kick him out and move on, otherwise this will likely continue, possibly for years.
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You are enabling him when you allow him to move back in with you. You are trying to control him and his drinking and you cannot do that. He will need to decide when and if he wants to seek help for his alcoholism.
And, if you kick him out, it should be so you have peace in your life, not because you hope he will stop drinking at that point.
And, if you kick him out, it should be so you have peace in your life, not because you hope he will stop drinking at that point.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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You can't break the cycle.Only he can do that. He has no reason to quit. He lives with you,then decides to drink goes to his parents, drinks, then stops drinking and moves back in with you. I don't know how old you are but he sounds really immature-it's easy for him flitting between you and his parents-it's not an adultrelationship.
He will never need to get sober as long as you and his parents continue to allow him to do this. I agree with Skye-he has no reason to change.
You can't control what he does or cure him.The only thing you can do is decide how much longer you want to live in this cycle and allow yourself to be treated this way . you deserve so much better.
He will never need to get sober as long as you and his parents continue to allow him to do this. I agree with Skye-he has no reason to change.
You can't control what he does or cure him.The only thing you can do is decide how much longer you want to live in this cycle and allow yourself to be treated this way . you deserve so much better.
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Hi Audrey and welcome.
Argh, sounds like a tough situation. I don't really believe your boyfriend is in recovery. I am a newly sober alcoholic and recovery is a lot of work. Your boyfriend sounds like he is exerting a tremendous amount of energy to minimize the consequences of his drinking.....he is a whirling disastrous dervish that keeps bouncing in and out of everyone's life leaving a not so good path behind him. His actions and his alcoholism have nothing to do with you.
You said he is 24 so I am imagining you are around the same age. You guys are both still really young, but shouldn't your 20's be about exploring who you are, what you want, and pushing out walls? It sounds like you have a lot going on for you, you sound like you have a place to live and financial stability...right now it sounds like you are almost taking care of a child that is not yours.
I worked and hired a lot of young women your age. I always felt that at that age they held the world in their hands and they were just beginning to understand their power and their capability. When I hear you mention that he tells you that "you are his whole world" it sounds controlling. He is drowning and trying to attach himself to you. You sound very bright and you sound like you have a good understanding about enabling. Active alcoholics use people, I posted about the fact that this is one of my biggest shames since getting sober. Love and being taken hostage can get all mixed up.
Alcohol is like having a third person in the relationship. And that third person takes no prisoners. He has a relationship with that third party and no one on earth can come between it until he makes the hard decision and ACTS on it. Most of us can get it together for days weeks, maybe months. Really understanding that we can never drink again and that we have to rebuild our lives around our sobriety is a very long process. You've done so much for him but what about you? A relationship ideally is two whole people coming together and making each other better because of being in each other's lives. It doesn't sound like he is living up to his end of the deal. I am happy you are here, there are a lot of wonderful people who have a lot of wisdom and experience. I also really hope you consider Al-Anon, you aren't alone.
Argh, sounds like a tough situation. I don't really believe your boyfriend is in recovery. I am a newly sober alcoholic and recovery is a lot of work. Your boyfriend sounds like he is exerting a tremendous amount of energy to minimize the consequences of his drinking.....he is a whirling disastrous dervish that keeps bouncing in and out of everyone's life leaving a not so good path behind him. His actions and his alcoholism have nothing to do with you.
You said he is 24 so I am imagining you are around the same age. You guys are both still really young, but shouldn't your 20's be about exploring who you are, what you want, and pushing out walls? It sounds like you have a lot going on for you, you sound like you have a place to live and financial stability...right now it sounds like you are almost taking care of a child that is not yours.
I worked and hired a lot of young women your age. I always felt that at that age they held the world in their hands and they were just beginning to understand their power and their capability. When I hear you mention that he tells you that "you are his whole world" it sounds controlling. He is drowning and trying to attach himself to you. You sound very bright and you sound like you have a good understanding about enabling. Active alcoholics use people, I posted about the fact that this is one of my biggest shames since getting sober. Love and being taken hostage can get all mixed up.
Alcohol is like having a third person in the relationship. And that third person takes no prisoners. He has a relationship with that third party and no one on earth can come between it until he makes the hard decision and ACTS on it. Most of us can get it together for days weeks, maybe months. Really understanding that we can never drink again and that we have to rebuild our lives around our sobriety is a very long process. You've done so much for him but what about you? A relationship ideally is two whole people coming together and making each other better because of being in each other's lives. It doesn't sound like he is living up to his end of the deal. I am happy you are here, there are a lot of wonderful people who have a lot of wisdom and experience. I also really hope you consider Al-Anon, you aren't alone.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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My sister married an alcoholic who's drinking only got worse and worse and he died from it at the age of 43. He was a nice guy at first but eventually turned into a total jerk over the last 10 years or so. If that's the life you want then go for it. Only he can want to change and it will never be good if he has his enabling parents to fall back on. FYI, alcoholics are very good at lying so I wouldn't take anything he says at face value right now.
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Audrey....it is always great to reach out for help. I think feeling alone is a horrible feeling.
I have always loved Anna's message at the bottom of her post above, and I kept thinking about it when I read your post. As women I don't believe that we are often given a lot of societal prompting to be aware of our strength. There are a lot of embedded cues that sometimes aren't even obvious that remind us to know our place and caretake, and sometimes it keeps us mired in other people's problems.
It is obvious that you are compassionate and loving, but we can't treat others better than we treat ourselves. You deserve love, respect, stability and empowerment, these aren't extravagant requests. It's hard to have perspective when you have been embroiled in the insanity of alcoholism. Having boundaries and knowing what you deserve is something that will help you so much at any age.....you aren't letting your boyfriend down, you are saving yourself.
I have always loved Anna's message at the bottom of her post above, and I kept thinking about it when I read your post. As women I don't believe that we are often given a lot of societal prompting to be aware of our strength. There are a lot of embedded cues that sometimes aren't even obvious that remind us to know our place and caretake, and sometimes it keeps us mired in other people's problems.
It is obvious that you are compassionate and loving, but we can't treat others better than we treat ourselves. You deserve love, respect, stability and empowerment, these aren't extravagant requests. It's hard to have perspective when you have been embroiled in the insanity of alcoholism. Having boundaries and knowing what you deserve is something that will help you so much at any age.....you aren't letting your boyfriend down, you are saving yourself.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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to SR Audrey.You will find lots of support here and sometimes some tough love too.
I would definitely suggest that you check out Al Anon. I also hope that you will join us in the Family and Friends forum.
A lot of women (me included) have been through the roller coaster of a relationship with an active alcoholic. You are not alone
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Originally Posted by audreyroscoe 
He thinks all he needs in his life is alcohol and me together in the same place. I'm trying to tell him that it will still be an unhappy life for him and that it will cause devastation for us both in mistakes he makes, financial difficulties, and hurt and resentment from me. I think his biggest problem is he has such an idealized notion of what our life would be like if I just let him drink in our home without giving him problems. He thinks he will have the best of both worlds, my thoughts are that he will still make bad decisions and bad mistakes because alcohol makes him do things that aren't right that he wouldn't normally do. So do I let him see what its like to live with me and consume alcohol how he wants to so he will realize it's not the ideal life he thought it would be after all? Will that be the only way he will ever drop it and realize that alcohol is not good for him no matter what the situation?
Unfortunately we addicts (and I include myself in this) are very good at manipulating others to provide for OUR happiness. I am in a situation now of having to clear up the wreckage of my past now that I am in recovery. Sadly I have taken my boyfriend down a lot of these roads with me. He was looking forward to a well-deserved retirement and now he is spending money and those days to take care of my "situation". He is a very good man and I have finally stopped blaming him and looked at myself very hard. Not a pretty sight. I am astonished that I could not see what I was doing to him and to myself; all I could focus on was how to get the next drink.
Don't lose yourself and precious time in this relationship, tell him to get out and not to come back until he has a year sober under his belt. If he loses you, so be it. I would also suggest that you go to Al-Anon for good advice (and new friends) who will help you deal with this.
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I would suggest kicking him out and getting on with your own life. How much more of his bs can you tolerate? He's not going to 'get better' until he wants to, and leaving him won't necessarily motivate him to get sober. HE has to want it. I would get out now before it gets any worse. Make a decent life for yourself. You deserve it. 
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Audrey, I can't speak to or give any advice to your situation other than telling you, how as an addict and alcoholic, how I viewed enablers and co-dependents in my life.
I didn't respect them and used them until they were gone. As an addict, I could not relate to someone not creating boundaries for me and putting themselves first. If one of my enablers didn't have a boundary for me I would make it for them. I would walk all over them. I would prey on their weaknesses to keep getting what I wanted from them. It wasn't decent.
The only thing I can say is what are you doing for you?
I always think about the instructions that flight attendants give when getting ready to take off......when the oxygen masks fall down from the overhead, you put the mask on yourself first before you put it on anyone else.
I didn't respect them and used them until they were gone. As an addict, I could not relate to someone not creating boundaries for me and putting themselves first. If one of my enablers didn't have a boundary for me I would make it for them. I would walk all over them. I would prey on their weaknesses to keep getting what I wanted from them. It wasn't decent.
The only thing I can say is what are you doing for you?
I always think about the instructions that flight attendants give when getting ready to take off......when the oxygen masks fall down from the overhead, you put the mask on yourself first before you put it on anyone else.
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I'm addicted to the feeling he gives me when he tells me he wants to stop for me and to be with me. I feel so loved and on top of the world like everything's going to work out and we are going to have our happy ending. I keep hanging on to hope. When should you give up on hope? It seems like he is sober more than he isn't which is a vast difference to what his life used to be when he would drink almost a 12 pack every night (before we lived together). He tells me he is better and he is. But it's still not how I want it. Am I just being too greedy?
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Blessdmess he is just like what it sounds like you used to be. I'm the only person in his life who has ever set boundaries for him so he views me as the problem. He will admit he has a drinking problem but says he can't control it and I'm the reason for why there can't be a happy medium where we can both get what we want out of life. What he doesn't realize is his drinking will never allow that happy medium. The only boundary I've never followed through on was leaving him. I'm 33 years old, divorced and no children. I don't want to start over again with someone else. But wants and needs are two very different things.
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Audrey,
No one could have ever said or done anything that would have made me quit. I had to destroy everything around me and have nothing left to change.
For me, having a nice woman in my life, having a nice place to sleep, clean laundry, cooled meals AND still being able to drink was just great by me. This was very doable, if not ideal.
I feel terrible saying this to you but people in my life, while I was using, had trained me on how to behave with them.
What addict wouldn't take everything they could get and more from someone without having to make many, if any, concessions of their own?
I urge to to take a fearless and honest approach in asking yourself what you are getting out of the whole deal here.
No one could have ever said or done anything that would have made me quit. I had to destroy everything around me and have nothing left to change.
For me, having a nice woman in my life, having a nice place to sleep, clean laundry, cooled meals AND still being able to drink was just great by me. This was very doable, if not ideal.
I feel terrible saying this to you but people in my life, while I was using, had trained me on how to behave with them.
What addict wouldn't take everything they could get and more from someone without having to make many, if any, concessions of their own?
I urge to to take a fearless and honest approach in asking yourself what you are getting out of the whole deal here.
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You're 33, an adult woman with your own house and life.
He sounds like a very young 24,young immature child and flitting into your life and then back to his parents whenever he likes. It sounds very much like you are mothering him, almost an adult/child relationship between the 2 of you.
Does he work and pay the bills,contribute, do you have a life together as a couple or does he just live off you and you look after him when he decides to leave his parents. It all sounds really unbalanced
Set yourself free and find a proper adult man who will treat you decently,with respect and love. You have to love and respect yourself first.You deserve so much better
He sounds like a very young 24,young immature child and flitting into your life and then back to his parents whenever he likes. It sounds very much like you are mothering him, almost an adult/child relationship between the 2 of you.
Does he work and pay the bills,contribute, do you have a life together as a couple or does he just live off you and you look after him when he decides to leave his parents. It all sounds really unbalanced
Set yourself free and find a proper adult man who will treat you decently,with respect and love. You have to love and respect yourself first.You deserve so much better
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