readerbaby71

My bf and I decided that he will move out at the end of November. It's painful but the past few days had been okay. Yesterday morning he went to work at his art studio and I went to visit a friend. Around 6:30 pm he texted me and said he was going to a bicyclist "activist hippie party", as he put it. I haven't heard from him since.

My sister has been having really nasty health problems and they still can't find a cause I took her to the ER this morning. We were there for six hours and still no idea what's wrong. I came home and expected him to finally be home. It's 4:30 Sunday now and I have no clue where he is, whether he's dead or alive, or what. If he's not home by tomorrow morning I'm thinking of filing a missing person's report. I don't know.

I do know that I have to ask him to leave asap, not at the end of November. I can't go on like this. I am sick to my stomach and haven't been able to eat a thing all day. Raging headache.

I know he has a therapy appointment tomorrow morning and I was thinking of just showing up there. At least then I know he's alive. I am well aware of detachment and all that, but it's not happening right now. It's just not.

honeypig

Readerbaby, I'm so sorry you're struggling with this and feeling so stressed. But when he DOES move out, you won't know where he is all the time either, right? He'll be on his own, like he should be now. He is an adult and capable of making his own choices, no matter how poor they may turn out to be.

From what I recall of your prior posts, this is pretty much a pattern w/him. This is what he does. It doesn't seem that anything has changed regarding how he acts; you're seeing more of the same. And again, once he moves out, you're surely not planning on keeping tabs on him then to know "if he's dead or alive", are you?

Again, I'm sorry you're feeling the way you are. It's a $hitty place to be. But he is NOT your responsibility. With as much kindness as I can muster, I would bring up that old Alanon chestnut: Let go or be dragged.

((((Hugs, RB))))

readerbaby71

When you put it that way it's easier to let it go. When he leaves I'm not going to keep tabs on him, so why should I now? It just hurts so much.

Upsetnneedhelp

He is probably alive and drinking. If he has any history with the police they may not even take a missing report for him.

getthere

I told my partner I wanted him out by end of October,however I couldn't wait until then in the end,andhe left last Saturday,he started rehab on sunday,his first rehab,so I suppose its different for me as I do know where he is,i also know he is going to want us to get back together,but there is no way that's going to happen,house is calm and peaceful and its staying that way,wish I could stop thinking about him though.
I hope you find peace also.

Hammer

Long month ahead of you, RB.

Can you go do something -- like tour Australia or hitch-hike Europe for the month countdown?

readerbaby71

I wish. I know I should be more detached but how do you not worry about someone you love being hurt or possibly dead? I know there's a lot of "what ifs" going through my head. I've calmed down and I'm drinking some tea and will hopefully get some sleep tonight. It's just so hard. He's never been gone this long before, and although we're breaking up I still love and care about him. I can't help it. I have given up the thought and hope that he'll be home tonight. It's easier that way.

Ruby2

I know it hurts. I know that you want to know where he is and that he is okay. I have been in that spot too many times to count. It stinks. If you can try to follow the suggestions already given, that once he is out you won't be checking in him, I think it will help. It isn't easy. Hugs.

spiderqueen

This was always the case, each and every time I worried myself sick about my xabf these past three years.

Now that we are apart, it is simply AMAZING how much time and mental energy I have for other things - sleeping, reading, eating, working, quiet time, hiking, time with my daughters, evenings out with my friends.

And ***almost*** no more dread, worry, fretting. WOW, is all I can say. You will get to the WOW, dear Readerbaby.

I agree that the sooner you can get him to move out, the sooner you can start breathing again. Hang in there.
((hugs))

readerbaby71

I was finally able to sleep last night and woke to a text this morning that simply said, "I am ok". I can't stop crying. Just bawling. I don't understand.

FeelingGreat

Hi readerbaby, I bet he's doing want guys do, taking as much licence as he can with the fact that you have broken up. You might think of it as 'decided' to break up but he will see it as 'broken up'. It's a pity you have a month in store with this transition stage. If he can move sooner, try and get it over with asap. Just don't make the mistake of thinking you guys are still together.
Sorry if I sound harsh; I can really appreciate how awful it must be for you in this limbo. Better a clean cut.

readerbaby71

Thanks. He wrote back saying, "I don't know what's wrong with me". I understand addiction as I've had my problems with alcohol too. I told him it doesn't make him a bad person and all he can do is keep trying to get better. I guess he'll be home soon. I don't know. I hope he still goes to see his therapist today. I know I have to stop caring so much but it is sooooooo hard. It makes me so sad to know that if he continues this way he will probably die or end up homeless or in jail. Not my problem, but heartbreaking nonetheless.

Congrats on your sobriety! It's a hard road sometimes.

Seren

Good morning, readerbaby!

Yeah....that whole going missing thing. My sister used to do that when she was using, and my stepson was out of contact for more than 3 months.

Mr. S and I finally realized that we had absolutely no control over the situation with his son. So for our own health, we just realized that 'sick with worry' had to stop--because we were literally, physically sick. We also realized that we could worry ourselves into a froth, but it made no difference in the outcome.

Same outcome - sick me
Same outcome - healthy me

It just finally made sense for us to take care of ourselves in spite of what the A's in our lives were doing.

Florence

My AH used to go missing. He would stay in his car in the middle of nowhere or hole up in a roach motel and drink for 2-3 days. The weirdest one was when he went entirely off the grid and camped in a state park for a few days. At first it completely wrecked me. As a young adult with serious abandonment issues I would chase him hard and then punish him hard when he came back. After some counseling and some education about addiction, I started to stand back a little and see what he would do when I didn't meddle. Over the course of a few months, he relapsed on my birthday, over Mother's Day, and lost a job while I was on a business trip. AND PREGNANT. Each time he took off I was devastated, but then I started to realize that while my feelings were hurt, I was still fine. Hurt feelings are temporary.

At the end, he would always come back and say I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me, and insist he was ready for treatment. For real this time, he would promise.

But this happened again. And again. And again. And I realized that this was not a part of the recovery/relapse cycle, but a part of his using cycle. This was just his cover story. I was not obligated to believe it, prop it up, or support his story. I could no longer make decisions about my life or my future based on this story.

readerbaby71

He's going to see his therapist and then to rehab. He will move out after that. I cannot take the stress and pain anymore. If he's going to kill himself this way there's nothing I can do. As much as I tried to detach over the weekend I just couldn't. I am looking forward to some peace and working on myself. Thanks, all for your kind replies.

lillamy

It's difficult. And I'm glad you're sticking to your guns about him moving out.
I recognize that disappearing act -- it was something my girlfriend's AH pulled every time she told him she wanted him to move out. He knew exactly what it was doing to her. So he would go sleep on a buddy's coach for a few nights and she would be incapable of LIVING because she was convinced he was dead in a ditch somewhere. So once he surfaced, she had talked herself out of separating because she was so ashamed of having MADE HIM SO DESPERATE that she took him back. Over. And over. And over.

If he's gonna get his act together he'll do it on his own. You work on you. Hugs.

Fandy

Didn't you just go through this last week? He didn't come home and you had to deal with your own hangover and raw sewerage in your house on top of it?

you said that you were drinking to "get back at him"?

I wouldn't worry so much about his well-being, you need to get yourself to a healthy place.

I made myself physically sick over "Mr.Fandy" at one time and drinking on top of the depressive choices he made over our relationship (he preferred gambling and the ponies) turned me into a huge drunken mess, it took almost a year before I really stopped drinking.

looking back on it now, I think I cared a lot more than he did. and I learned a lesson from that. If someone doesn't have the respect/concern for you and takes off repeatedly, he is "showing you who he is".

you deserve better.

Hawkeye13

Have him get his stuff out of the house before rehab. In storage if needed. Separate the finances if you haven't. Get the keys back. Otherwise you will set yourself up for another few rounds I'm afraid.

Your sobriety and mental health should be the priority here. Please choose to take care of yourself first.

ClearLight

Sounds like you're being played. Just like a fish on a line.

Lot's of times, when a fish is hooked on a line the fisherman will reel them in for a while and then let the line run out as the fish swims away. Then the fish gets reeled in all over again. It tires and confuses the fish.

Seems like that's what's happening to you.