pattyj

I quit drinking. I am turning my life around, completely.
I did step 4 and 5 where I write all the horrible things I did down and all the resentments I have. I took almost 8 hours to tell all of them to my sponsor.
We wrote them on rocks and threw them in to a lake; I am not sure which step that was.
Now I am on step 9. We are going over the amends part.
I get the living amends, to live and show up as a better person. I get the prayer amends, to pray for those I have harmed. I get the financial amends, to pay back money that I took or borrowed.
I don't get the direct amends. I don't understand bringing up the wreckage of my past again and again to friends and family. I have already admitted to all this bad stuff and I am on the road to living a better life in the present. What is the point of rehashing the past? I am having a real problem with that. Any others feel the same way?

spinape

You can always apologize directly after the drinking incident. The point of doing it down the road is now you have real credibility. You've been sober for a while now. It shows sincerity.

EndGameNYC

People don't just forget what we've done to them or how we've harmed them. They may push these matters aside and get on with the business of living their lives, but the memories continue to live inside them.

Step nine is not about a gratuitous rehashing of painful events. The goal is to bring us to a better place spiritually, no matter how the other person processes the actions we take in making our amends. If, in cases in which we're able to do this directly, we pass because it makes us uncomfortable for any reason, we haven't fully taken responsibility for the harm we've done, and therefore leave ourselves vulnerable for future resentments.

Making amends is a growth experience and a demonstration of our maturity and good will.

When things go well, we learn at an early age that hurting someone leaves us with bad feelings about ourselves. The remedy for this form of self-harm is to make amends, no matter how painful this may be.

If someone were to hurt you and then not acknowledge and take responsibility for it at a later time, you might feel differently about step nine.

Leadfoot

Amends aren't an apology. It's more of a way to make things right with that other person. "Here's what I did. What can I do to fix it"? From that comes freedom.

RobbyRobot

Indeed amends are not an apology. I'm not sure our asking outright how can we make it right is the best way to proceed though. The results we're looking for is for forgiveness from the other, and also from ourselves. It's in achieving a broader spiritual enlightenment that we hope to be our paramount interest and guide in our efforts for making amends. It is absolutely essential when proceeding, that care is taken not to re-open old hurts or create new problems to *either party*. Making amends is not best served by being an open ended ticket to making things right with whomever- its much more about how its related with a healthy sober lifestyle based on spiritual principals of the person making the amends. Its not about justice per se strictly speaking, its about forgiveness.

That is, in my experience and opinion.

Dee74

I'm not in AA so my method may deviate.....but from my own perspective I think making amends is about having a clean slate - it's for those we've wronged sure, but it's was also very much for my own benefit too.

I know from my experience those things I hung onto - the things I felt guilty about, or ashamed, or angry and resentful about - were a major contribution in keeping me drunk.

Moving past those is a great thing to do.

D

Db1105

"...willing to go to any lengths."

Pete55

face to face amends,
gain consent.
"I have some amends to make to you, are you open to hearing them?"

If contacting by phone, ask if they would like to receive the amends on the phone, in writing, or in person.

name the wrong

"I was wrong when I .....
"I am truly sorry. You did not deserve to be treated that way"

Ask what you can do to right the wrong-

"What can i do to right these wrongs?"

Be willing to follow through on the requests. Exceptions would be to place yourself in danger or to go against your values ( theft, sex, dishonesty, deceit)


Ask about other harms-

"Is there anything else I've done that has caused you harm?"
--------
There is the living amends as they say, people in family who progressively gain trust and see me sober now for a while, the past is the past type of thing.

Finally, there are no set rules, the above are guides. You and your sponsor can get creative, depending on the circumstances.

Johnston

I think just living a clean life going forward is as much as most people expect. If you owe money to someone though you might want to check in with them.

wiscsober

PattyJ so glad to hear you are working the steps and living in the solution.

The 9th step promises will certainly be realized in working the steps.

pattyj

I think living a clean life is what I can do at this point. If I owe money, I will repay it. Maybe I'll want to do direct amends in the future but right now it's going to be living and prayer amends. I feel that living a clean life is like having a clean slate and a new beginning. I have messed up since I have become sober and have made amends at that time. I just don't feel that rehashing the past will do me or others much good. I have forgiven myself for what I have done, I have asked God for forgiveness. If someone brings up that past and wants to discuss it, then I'll sit down with them and do a direct amends at that time. I'm not perfect but I'm sober and I feel that that is the most important thing at this moment. Maybe I just need to give it more time...