stella27

I have violated every rule I know of and allowed myself to get twisted into a codie pretzel by not respecting my own boundaries.

I am friends with Man A who is in the process of being divorced. I do not know his wife, I am unrelated to their marital issues. I didn't ever know him when he was living in the same house with her.

So he doesn't have the funds to hire an attorney and because I am an attorney and have some time to spare, I OFFER TO REPRESENT HIM through the end of the divorce.

For free. (Because I am a sucker.)

He and I see each other socially - always in groups or alone for coffee at a public place in the middle of the day, no pairing off or making out - because even though I am developing feelings for him, and he seems to be reciprocating, in my mind he is married and if there's going to be anything there, it has to come after the divorce. (Because I am all about propriety and having standards).

And the divorce is nearly final. So I expect to spend all weekend working on his documents, and I ask him when he can come review them, and he has gone out of town to a party.

And here I sit RESENTFUL as hell because:

1. I am spending a beautiful weekend indoors typing his stupid documents.
2. He is going to a party.
3. I am responsible for these documents being ready by Monday.
4. He probably has a date.
5. Why didn't he ask me?
6. Why did he fail to mention in daily conversation that he was going out of town to a big event?
7. Why wasn't I clear and say "hey listen, we need to work this weekend" instead of assuming that he would be available when I needed him to be.
8. Why won't I even ask for what I need professionally?
9. Why did I let MYSELF get committed to solving his problems for him when he isn't adequately committed to taking care of them his-own-damn-self?
10. Am I not pretty enough?
11. Has he been using me to get me to work for free?
12. How did I get here?
13. I wouldn't be (as) resentful if I were being PAID for these hours I'm spending.
It's not just alcohol that makes me crazy, friends. It's me.

jaynie04

Hi Stella..sorry it sounds very frustrating, I would have dents on my forehead from banging my head against the keyboard. I saw that you have been on SR a while so I went back and read a few of your original posts to see how you got here. It sounds like you were married to a narcissistic A and I wonder if perhaps this might be feeling like a redux?

I think the bells and whistles that are going off for you are for a good reason, I think it is good that this feels unjust, because it sure as h sounds that way to me. I guess a way to look at it would be to consider how you would feel if the roles were reversed, could you blithely hand over a mountain of work to someone you care about and then dance off to a party?

I am newly sober myself. I spent this week in my home office, going back over the last year. It was a disaster, I am frankly shocked at how out of control I let my life get. I have also been struggling with the realization that I had formed strange relationships with a lot of people who work for me in my home. There was sort of a don't ask don't tell, I'll pay you well if you turn a blind eye relationship that developed with some of them. In short, even though I paid them well, I don't like the fact that I almost feel like I used them, they were in my employ and I enmeshed them in my disease.

I think we A's do use people when we are drinking. Life becomes a series of day to day intervals, hangovers prevent any real planning, we sort of roll along with whatever is put before us. We simply don't have the wherewithal, desire or urgency to do anything but drink and think about drinking or recover from drinking. For most of my life I excelled at anything I put my mind to, I can't even remember what that felt like. The dust is starting to settle, but I have a very long road ahead of me.

I feel ashamed that I enmeshed others in my disease. Yes, I paid them, but I took advantage of them in a way. It does not fit with who I believe myself to be, but alcohol erodes out boundaries and our core. It sounds like he is taking advantage of you, and I would listen to what your gut is telling you. He is not likely to turn this act around, maybe, when and if he gets into recovery. But right now it sounds like he is doing the same thing I did, sort of using anyone in his path that makes his life easier. This doesn't mean he doesn't care for you, but I think you know that narcissism and alcoholism can be a very unhealthy combination, that can have long reaching tendrils....hope you can set some boundaries. You sound like an intelligent, kind woman, it sounds like you have some hopes that this relationship might become more, I hope you take care of yourself first.

LifeRecovery

Oh Stella-

I can so relate to this post.

Part of my healing journey has been how I do this not just in intimate relationships with an alcoholic, but with ALL my relationships. A number of which I have had to make some serious changes to or let go in the last few years.

I started asking a number of my good friends (who I have equal and balenced relationships with) about my ability to make "special" friends. Oh boy did they have some insight on me. This was childhood friends, high school, college. They were all kind and loving about it, but it was an eye opener.

I suspect this will sound a little strange, but congratulations. Congrats on recognizing your feelings, realizing your role in it, recognizing your patterns. This sounds like awareness to me, and though uncomfortable, changes for me cannot be made until I get this part in place.

I am not saying it is easy, but I am learning that working on this is allowing me to clean out the old relationships built in my codependent crazy days to make way for some that will work for me.

stella27

Thanks y'all.

Jaynie, this man doesn't appear to have a drinking problem. Nor did he appear to be self-centered until this incident. But otherwise? YES. My alarm bells are ringing. I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm sobbing, I want to tell him off, I want to never speak to him again, I want to not have these stupid FEELINGS.

The best thing I can say for myself is that I haven't. I haven't expressed my fury by text message, I haven't changed my phone number, I haven't tried to ruin his party weekend by telling him exactly what I think of him.

I have gone to dinner with other friends this weekend, I have attacked the mountain of work that I OFFERED to take from him. I want it done, finished, I want the representation over with.

(I hear what you're saying about the workers at your house and your dependence on them. I have friends who have crossed those boundaries and I can see how easy it would be. Relationships make the most sense to me when I am outside of them, detached, as it were.

Keep up that good sobriety. And thank you for putting into words what I couldn't: He left me with his mountain of work while he danced off into the night.

Alcohol or none, I have been there before and I am not going back.

LifeRecovery: yes, I welcome the anger. I'm even indulging it a little bit to make sure I don't get all "that's ok, don't worry about it, you're under a lot of stress" like I did for all those years being married to an alcoholic.

Thank you for helping me understand what the hell has and is happening.

LaTeeDa

Oh, I can sooo relate to this dynamic. And I have to check myself constantly to be sure of my motivation.

What I learned growing up in an alcoholic family is that love is *earned.* It was never freely given, but used as a reward for good behavior. As a result, I have a pattern of doing things for others and expecting something in return. (love, affection, loyalty, etc.) And then I get resentful if it is not forthcoming. I recognize it as the "how could you, after all I've done for you?" syndrome.

These days, when I feel the urge to do something for someone, I have to ask myself if I am doing it for them--or me. Do I expect something in return? If so, then I don't do it. If I truly want to give of myself, or do something nice, it has to be without any expectation of reciprocity.

L

stella27

I knew when I (reluctantly) OFFERED my assistance and representation (which equals time, toil and talent) that it was sticky and that I would have to keep the motivations pure and the relationships (business/personal) separate.

And then I didn't do it.

stella27

and that's the part of me that doesn't intend to tell him what I think of him. The part that knows that I did this. I chose it, I offered it, I laid myself down on the altar of martyrdom to bear his burdens with my special abilities, and now I am resentful. Sounds like the essence of passive-aggressive to me.

atalose

Maybe the key word there is SEEMS. Maybe those developing feelings you are feeling is not parallel to feelings he is having at this time in his life. I mean he is getting out of one relationship and may not be looking for another one right now.

In the past anytime I surmized a situation with assumptions and not facts I ended up hurt and disappointed.

Finish the work you promised him and leave it at that.

Recovering2

Stella, I"m glad you see that this was all about your choices. IMO, you can't really be mad at him. Doesn't sound like he asked you for free legal work, you offered it. With limited funds, what person would turn that down??? You had expectations based on your offer, but those were yours....not his. "Expectations are planned Resentments"

I have the very same inclination to help people when not asked. I know I can help solve their problem, so I jump in. That's the codie in me. I have worked VERY hard on that this past year in Alanon. It's funny, because now every time I want to step in and offer unsolicited help, I catch myself. I have to consciously hold my tongue. I am VERY aware that I'm doing it. And I've realized how often I have tended to jump in without being asked!

You offered, he accepted. At this point I would say, suck it up and get the job done. Then I would distance myself from this man. He's not going to be healthy for you. Fresh out of a marriage, he has his own stuff to work out. Onwards and Upwards!

RollTide

Stella,

I've often got myself into situations like the one you are in. So don't feel like you are alone. The best thing is that you RECOGNIZE how this happened and can take steps to avoid these situations in the future. I'm still learning but I'm much, much better at not giving advice, not offering to do something that I don't need to be involved in. I've learned to listen and not give my opinion unless asked. I smile to myself when I think of the slogan that I read on here, "Not my monkey, not my circus."

stella27

Actually, he did ask me to handle it for him, and I said no a couple of times.
When we were within (oopsie - see that we?) When he was about 3 days out from his final hearing, I offered because I was afraid that he would be skewered by the other lawyer.
Which would have been the natural consequences of his choice not to hire an attorney.

So I offered at the eve of battle, and now I own the whole circus. Yay me.

Yurt

Stella,
I really feel for you, as this hits close to home for me as well (still enmeshed with counselor friend). But I think that I would feel compelled to call him on it. I get the feeling that you were helping him with this issue; not taking it on completely yourself. And in this scenario, he should have been right there working on it with you. Yes, you might be obligated to see it through to the finish, but I have to think that you might want an explanation from him as to why he did not feel that he needed to have a hand in the paperwork. If he balks, or gets defensive, you know where you stand with him.
So many times, I have made guesses and assumptions based on other people's actions, and have been completely wrong. I don't think that you would be out of line asking him why he thought it was OK to leave you with ALL of this on such a fine weekend.
Take some time for yourself today, even with the added responsibilities. It will put you in a better frame of mind.
Yurt

Argnotthisagain

Stella! On the bright side, you've given us a GREAT learning thread!

Seriously though....I see the making assumptions issue for myself too. And I see how I'm usually scared to question the assumption and ask where the other person stands!

Also, I see the tendency to not know how to stand up for oneself happening here.

I agree with Yurt that for your own sake and learning, you do have the right to tell him that you expected him to do some work here too.

The thing is, I think you HAVE to have no expectations of him or how it *should* go when/if you do stand up for yourself. You need to know beforehand what your boundary is and that you are ready and WILL enforce it--for your self-respect and protection, NOT to "see how he'll react and adjust yourself accordingly".

Just like helping and expecting loyalty, love or whatever we would do if someone were as nice to us as we are to them-- I think we get mad and either suck it up because we're afraid that telling someone we're angry at getting treated badly by will "make them leave"------

OR more likely, if I were paying attention to how I feel at such treatment, *I* would have to respect myself enough to set up a boundary and stick to it-- When what I FANTASIZED was LESS boundary (that desire to merge with the person we're feeling attachment towards.)

Thank you Stella and I hope you feel empowered and good about yourself for learning more about codie-osityness and practicing more self-caring habits. You helped me, that's for sure.

stella27

thanks Yurt. I do think there's a reason that in the course of his texting me every day and seeing me several times weekly - not at my office - at my house or for coffee or at his house to watch the game - that he neglected to mention that he would be leaving town for the weekend.

He has called to let me know that he has come back to town early and can meet me to work on this stuff in a couple of hours.

I think the blurred professional/personal lines go both ways, and I have learned a little something about him, but even more about myself.

stella27

Arg,

There are several reasons that I haven't asked him what was going on here:

1. He is a married man.
2. Even when he is no longer married, he is going to have a lot of things to figure out.
3. I'm four years out from being married and I am certainly not all the way healthy yet, so he deserves a few years to get himself straight.

and 4.
What if he says "You have the entirely wrong impression of me."
or even worse, "you're controlling, overbearing, and crazy."

That's what living for so long with a Narcissistic alcoholic did to my self-awareness.

I've actually been grateful to be able to have this work, these hours in my office, to be alone with myself and my thoughts and try to get myself straightened out.

Thank you all for the insight. I think it's all part of learning to feel again.

HopefulmomtoD

My first thought was ... if he can't afford an attorney to get a divorce, is he really relationship material?

I'm sorry your weekend was spent doing free work for him .... ugh.

FireSprite

Stella, this is a great share & I appreciate the way you were able to verbalize it so clearly. To me, these are the exact kinds of character "flaws" that we codies develop that are so insidious that they are almost impossible to define to another person. It's hard to even find the words to explain what makes it "wrong" because it can easily come off as just a simple matter of overthinking, digging "too" deeply into a situation, etc.

Perfect example of how our own sickness doesn't only get triggered in reaction to A behavior, (even if that's where/why/how it was learned) and how it bleeds over into every aspect of our lives in more ways than we are often aware of.

FWIW - I can't tell you how many times I've done something similar - inserted myself into someone else's issues & made them my own & then found myself in a tangled mess of work & stress that had nothing to do with me.

You really seem to have great clarity about this all now (I know, after the fact!) and sound really strong & aware in your posts. Here's hoping that this incident helps you avoid the same pattern/behavior in the future!