SteppingStone

Hi,

I recently split with my RXABF and I am devastated! We were together for 5 years and when I found meetings for him to start going to, he said he wouldn't be able to do it without me by his side. I felt on top of the world and thought 'This is it, finally my 5 years of sticking by him, supporting him and putting up with some unbelievable behaviour, is FINALLY paying off. This is the start of the rest of our lives!'.

Then, 7 months on, he has moved out. He said he's doing it for me because I deserve better than to have to deal with him, good or bad, for the rest of my life. He also said he has to concentrate on his own recovery, which I understand and even agree totally.

However, the pain and heartbreak I am experiencing, at the moment, is unbearable! I love him with all my heart and he said he loves me too.

I know this is a common occurrence with RA's but my questions are:

• Has anyone eventually went back to their partner & made a real go of it after spending some time apart?

• Or has anyone been in my position and had their partner come back to them?

I just want to know how you felt or how you got through it? I know it takes time but how much time are we talking? At the moment, every minute feels like an hour, every hour like a day, every day like a week and so on. I just want to curl up in my duvet and not have to face the world but I have a 13 year old daughter, a job, bills to pay, etc. Im struggling to cope emotionally.

Thanks for listening.

Anna

There is no time frame for breakups in recovery.

It sounds like your partner has made a decision, so why not begin to take care of yourself?

Jeni26

I'm so sorry sbfoxy. I can understand how you must feel cheated when, after standing by his side through his active phase, you are unable to feel the benefits of his sobriety.

I have no direct experience of a relationship break-up after getting sober, but I do know that my marriage has undergone some radical changes and ups and downs in the time I've been sober. I assume your ex is in AA when you talk of meetings? I would encourage you to go to AlAnon to find support for yourself. No-one here will be able to predict what the future holds for you. But whatever happens, you need to look after yourself first now.

I'm wishing you the very best.

flutter

It sounds like he's serious about recovery, and I think it's a good thing (as painful as it is) that he's being very honest..listen to him when he says:

Ptcapote

Hi sbfoxy, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I have been on both sides of that picture (the drinker and the partner of the drinker) and it is painful no matter what.

I am afraid I am going to have to agree with the others here, especially Flutter. I know how soul crushing it is to know that you have stood by this man through the worst and now he finally decides to get clean and he doesn't want you to be a part of it.

Here's the thing, at least from an alcoholic's perspective: getting sober is very hard business. If he is indeed in AA and working the 12 Steps, this is going to force him to deal with a lot of things that are incredibly painful and embarrassing. Even without AA, getting sober brings up worlds of pain, hurt and embarrassment. Of course as his partner you probably know or are willing to share in these experiences. However. If he has spent the majority of his life covering up stuff like this or the fallout from it with alcohol, he has to get to know himself all over again. I don't know how old you are or he is but, trust me, that is very intimidating and scary to go through. He probably wants to spare you from that and also wants to go through it alone. That was my decision too. It wasn't because I didn't love the person I was with...it was because I had no idea who I was anymore and I knew if I didn't find that by myself, there was going to be no hope for me or him or us.

And as Jeni very rightly says, every relationship that has an addictive partner in it has its own pattern and when these break down and behaviors change, it can be very difficult to cope with---even when they are for the positive.

So my advice to you is to get yourself into Al-Anon. Even if you're not with him right now it will be immensely helpful to you. Let him go right now and, as hard as this is, do not put stores in the future.

And check out the Family and Friends forum here if you haven't already. There are some very wise people there who will have more perspective on this.

Sending you good wishes today...please keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

SteppingStone

Thank you guys for the advice.

Ptcapote: He is in CA & AA. I am 32yrs old and he is 38yrs old. There are NO Nar-Anon meetings in the UK, NO Co-Anon meetings in Scotland and ONLY about half a dozen Al-Anon meetings per week.

*I did try a couple of Al-Anon meetings but they weren't as welcoming as they were at CA! One of the meetings was an Adult Children meeting (which didn't apply to me) and the other was a Step meeting - I think they were on Step 11 or something and, as Ive never been through the Steps, I felt like a fish out of water. They could have been speaking a different language as far as I was concerned. They were very cliquish and didn't approach me to introduce themselves or welcome me in. I thought I was growing horns by the looks I was getting. Why is it that ALOT of people have this kind of experience with Al-Anon? If anything, it intimidates you and scares you into not going back. I did find 1 Families Anonymous meeting per week but I will only be able to attend once every 3 weeks due to work.

Flutter: Yeah, he is serious about his recovery which I am so grateful for as it is literally saving his life. It just hurts to think Ive stuck by him through his worst but I don't get to be with him when he gets to his best.

Jeni: He is in CA and attends some AA meetings too. Also, see above, regarding my experience of Al-Anon*.

Thank you all so much for your support, advice & hope. You really are helping me through this.

xxx

EndGameNYC

What's a RXABF?

I'm with Anna on this.

A separation is a great time to do work on ourselves.

After a couple of heartbreaking losses in my life, I went through all the regular stuff...despair, crippling self-doubt, loneliness, suicidal thoughts...With the help of a terrific therapist, I was able to allow myself to feel everything I was feeling. This brought me to a better place, a place where I could focus on myself, and nurture the parts that were suffering.

This is not the time to withdraw and wait for something to happen. Be good to yourself. Start building a better life, even when you're heart's not completely in it.

pmv

i hate acronyms, people are lazy.
BTW, yes, alanon

least

I'd give him the space he wants and work on making myself happy on my own.

ReadyAtLast

I think it's recovering ex alcoholic boyfriend

ex boyfriend not ex alcoholic

I also think you should concentrate your energies on yourself and your daughter. There is nothing you can do about your ex's decision. all you can do is move on with your life. It doesn't really matter if other people have left partners or gone back to them-this is not helping you. In my experience when a man ends a relationship and walks away he usually means it. He's obviously trying not to hurt your feelings by saying he's doing it for your sake-but he is doing it for his sake as that is what he wants.

Please don't waste your life hoping and waiting for him to change his mind. I know it's so hard but for your sake and sanity and that of your child I urge you to try and move forward

jacrazz

Recovering ex alcoholic bf....it's used all over SR. There is a sticky about the acronyms used here.

EndGameNYC

I don't know...I don't mind using full words to express what I mean. I thought RXABF meant the dispensary on an Air Force base.

silentrun

pmv

wow, I see what I did there, I'm my own worst enemy, HA! Touché my friend

LightInside

You might be right about that. Thanks for giving me a chance to practice replacing defense with a different type of response.

SilentLove

I'm feeling the same :/