bigsombrero

I've seen this subject brought up countless times in the Newcomers thread over the past year that I've been on SR. And there's almost nothing I feel more strongly about, and I almost always respond when I see it. I just wrote this on another person's thread and I'd like to post my insight on a separate thread just to get my opinion out there:

Don't do it.

It's understandable, considering places like these are often the stronghold of our social circles. But in early sobriety, folks, in my opinion you must look elsewhere for social opportunities. The pub cannot continue to be an option for you. And I know it's tough to accept. I don't think many alcoholics want to admit this to themselves "I have to give up my drink...and now the pub, too?" - it's gut-wrenching. But unless your job depends on it, there really aren't that many sober folks who spend much time in pubs. And in the early going, perhaps for the first year, you should not be in places like this at all.

I made this mistake. My first meal, in fact, after getting out of treatment was at a bar. I thought to myself "well, I'm going to have to get used to being sober in pubs, so I might as well start by having lunch here, so I can start acclimating". My alcoholic mind began to trick me into thinking it was a good idea. I rationalized: "I'll be sober, and it will be easy for me to pick up girls!", or "I'll just be the designated driver from now on!" - even though I don't have a car. I'd reason with myself that "My friends asked me to go, if I don't show up it will show that I'm weak". Heck, I even looked for ways to include liquor stores in my everyday tasks: "I need to pick up a gatorade, I know they sell them at the liquor store, I might as well buy it there". Anything, ANYTHING to keep that thought alive in my head, that I'd be able to keep my old routine. I'm only human, and just like you I wanted to keep my lifestyle intact.

This is alcoholism, people.

If you keep giving in to this type of behavior, in my opinion, it's a step back - whether you drink or not. Because by going to pubs we are giving our alcoholic minds and alcoholic habits the power. It sucked having to admit this to myself. I had to let it go. And I had to grieve over that loss for a long time. I was confused, angry, and kept asking myself "now what"? But once I finally put it in the rear-view mirror, I was able to move on to the next stage of sobriety.

I am only speaking from experience and just giving my opinion. My advice would be to stay out of situations that put you in these places. If you drink you'll be taking a step back. If you don't, you'll still be sliding backwards towards a relapse and mental anguish. The best case scenario is that you'll just be spinning your wheels.

Good luck folks.

Croissant

What are we talking about here? I see 2 seperate issues...are you talking about using bars as a social outlet, that won't work once you are sober...OR...never going to bars, regardless of your drinking habits?

I know some here stay right away. I never socialised much at bars, drinking seriously for me happened at home. Which is pretty much hard to avoid, period.

bigsombrero

It is my opinion that early in sobriety, people should not go to bars for socialization, meals, or any reason. I am sorry that was not clear.

Croissant

Whether or not it's a place they frequented as drinkers?

Hmm, then I disagree.sure, it's not worth risking, but I never found it to be a temptation the few times I was in one for work functions etc. You have to question how strong the desire to stop drinking is, is really the bottom line.

IOAA2

Good post. After many sober years I still don't go to package stores for cigarettes, soda or anything else unless it's an emergency. There are so many convenience stores around it's not necessary. I don't eat out often but when I do It may be a place which serves liquor which is fine but I will not sit at the bar and usually far from it as it's so noisy. Over the years I've heard too many stories with bad results of alcoholics frequenting slippery places.

BE WELL

Dee74

I was mainly at home drinker too, but for 20 years I never met a drinking get together I didn't like.

I'm an alcoholic - if you put me in proximity of alcohol I drank it, or wanted to.

I nearly had to kill myself to get this smart, but I finally figured out as a newly sober non drinker I had no business at all being around places - or putting myself in situations - where the main focus was people drinking.

I think I got it right for once

D

Johnston

Good advice.

BikerAcct

I've gone to a couple of bars now, but only if a live band is present, and I wanted to hear the music and see friends. Perhaps I'm lucky, I didn't have any urge to drink. However, I seldom got plastered at those types of bars anyhow. Getting plastered was for home and hole in the wall dives.

I do agree, and see no point, in going to a pub where there is no music and nothing to do but sit and drink.

hypochondriac

I agree to a large extent, speaking as someone who went to pubs in early sobriety. It wasn't good for me. But I didn't drink. I don't like the idea of having somewhere where I absolutely can't go or I'll drink, I want to be able to cope in any situation. And I still enjoy going to pubs. I grew up in pubs and I have a lot of nostalgia there that has nothing to do with drinking. I think the most important thing is to check your motives for being there. And really pay attention to what is going through your head. I have found that I am fine being in pubs seeing friends and watching bands, provided there is no one there who drinks like I did. If I see anyone chucking it back I usually find I need to bail. And I also know that if I go too much that I start getting those slippery thoughts, so they are definitely places I go as little as possible. It has taken me a long time to feel just okay in bars though so I really wouldn't recommend people going there in early sobriety either, at least for 8 months or more. It isn't about getting cravings and potentially drinking, like I said, I never did, but I know it effected me in a negative way and made drinking a slightly more viable option. My rule was that I have to keep the balance, If I spend time with drinkers then I have to spend the same amount of time with sober people...

dwtbd

Alcohol is everywhere in modern society. It's in most stores, it's in my house. I buy it for others and I frequent places where people enjoy it.

I think focusing on the physical substance or even the activity of others creates an impediment to becoming resolved about quitting or staying quit.

Croissant

That is a fair point, however, being around drinking at times is a reality of a lot of people professionally. I can't just refuse a client lunch or dinner because they've chosen to drink.

LadyBlue0527

I get where you're coming from Croissant. I too have had work functions and if I'm being honest even though I knew I wouldn't drink under any circumstance that's not to say that the temptation wasn't present.

How strong the desire is to stop drinking may be the bottom line but that line is never motionless and dependable. If it were there would be no slips, no relapses, and we'd all be clean and sober.

The quickest way to get it to shift is to put yourself in an environment where alcohol is present and others are drinking. If you don't have to, why even go there?

LadyBlue0527

I think that you missed this part of bigsombrero's post

MIRecovery

It seems that a lot of people new to sobriety have a death wish about going to drinking establishments. Although some succeed a huge percentage do not. I take being in drinking situations very seriously. Even today I always have an escape plan and whenever possible have a person who knows that I am recovery with me.

I hear time and time again I have to go to xyz function. 99.9% of the time people dont have to go they choose to go. I understand if they do not go it will create an comfortable situation but they do not have to go.

When my son got married I told him that I would be at the wedding and I would be at the reception until I felt uncomfortable and then I would leave. Many would say you have to be at your own sons reception. I say BS the only thing that I have to do is stay sober the rest are choices.

In my opinion being in drinking situations for an alcoholic is almost universally a bad idea.

Jeni26

I'm 17 months sober, and I would still avoid going to a pub for the evening unless it was for a meal or special social occasion.

I wouldn't be triggered now, but they are such boring places to be sober. And there is nothing more irritating than being around drunk people for me.

Croissant

I honestly feel my opinion wouldn't be valid in this thread unless I had xyz amount of sobriety.

Sometimes I feel there is no room to disagree or put another point of view. I'm not saying it's the gospel truth, I am just interested in the fact that it's so frowned upon.

My uncle has in excess of 30 years sobriety and I've never seen him miss or leave a family event because there was drinking.

I never said it's for everyone, but I thought it was fair to ask why people can't see another point of view as a discussion point. I'll bow out of the thread, thanks.

ReadyAtLast

Good post. It pains me reading on newcomers people who quit drinking but still spend their social time in bars as they don't want to lose their friends.These situations don't usually have a good outcome.

Since I got sober I realize that 'normal' people don't spend most of their social time in pubs clubs and bars.

LadyBlue0527

I think that we'd all be in agreement that one of the hardest parts of getting sober is that you might lose some people in your life. Harder is that once you've moved away from the situation sometimes you also realize that some of those relationships were based purely on the common bond of alcohol and nothing more. That's just sad but it's reality.

It takes a while to realize that what you thought you were going to miss to the extreme wasn't quite as important and you may have thought it to be initially. It doesn't come easy either but it will become apparent.

RobbyRobot

Sage counsel. Bravo!

LadyBlue0527

I'm not sure where things went south here, all opinions are valid. As far as no room to disagree, in my post I began it with "I see where you're coming from".

It's absolutely fair to question, that's how we help others and that's how we, ourselves, learn.

What offended you?

For the record, I am an infant in sobriety, just a little over 5 months. There isn't a person on here that can't help others, even those who are posting for the first time and are on day one or who haven't yet quit but want to. Length of sobriety has nothing to do with it. We all have the opportunity to learn. Are you upset because no one was agreeing with what you said?