Constitutionally Incapable of Being Honest
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 9
Constitutionally Incapable of Being Honest
About me….
For nearly every second of every minute of every hour of every day I have suffered in silence desperately seeking answers to rise out of misery. During the day, it’s like a ballet – I have danced wearing my mask believing I was living fully in the light with others. At night, my mask falls off exhausted a day of acting. My cries of depravity weigh down on me like freight while darkness consumes me and I give into addictive behavior.
I have had periods of time away from drinking, drugging and other “quick fix-ism” behaviors sometimes while attending AA, NA, ALANON & ACOA. Those periods eventually illuminated how my lifeless existence continued to decay which ultimately fueled the insatiable cravings impelling me to find relief yet again. And the cycle continues and each time the isolation grows and the more I shut down.
This summer was in a car crash, for months now I have stuck at home alone while my broken body heals. I realize now true friendships with others have long since dissipated since I have no one in my life to help me do even the most basic tasks or provide me any reassurance or comfort.
My first positive thought when I got out of the hospital was realizing I have enough alcohol and drugs at home to last many months. I can’t live this way any longer and need to wake up and live life fully but am at a loss how to do so.
It then occurred to me – maybe I’m one of those “unfortunates, constitutionally incapable of being honest “????? Any thoughts?
Jade
For nearly every second of every minute of every hour of every day I have suffered in silence desperately seeking answers to rise out of misery. During the day, it’s like a ballet – I have danced wearing my mask believing I was living fully in the light with others. At night, my mask falls off exhausted a day of acting. My cries of depravity weigh down on me like freight while darkness consumes me and I give into addictive behavior.
I have had periods of time away from drinking, drugging and other “quick fix-ism” behaviors sometimes while attending AA, NA, ALANON & ACOA. Those periods eventually illuminated how my lifeless existence continued to decay which ultimately fueled the insatiable cravings impelling me to find relief yet again. And the cycle continues and each time the isolation grows and the more I shut down.
This summer was in a car crash, for months now I have stuck at home alone while my broken body heals. I realize now true friendships with others have long since dissipated since I have no one in my life to help me do even the most basic tasks or provide me any reassurance or comfort.
My first positive thought when I got out of the hospital was realizing I have enough alcohol and drugs at home to last many months. I can’t live this way any longer and need to wake up and live life fully but am at a loss how to do so.
It then occurred to me – maybe I’m one of those “unfortunates, constitutionally incapable of being honest “????? Any thoughts?
Jade
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Welcome Jade. I do not believe for one second that anyone is incapable of being honest with themselves. Yes, it may be harder for some, but anyone who is willing can be honest. Also, your post above proves to me that you have no problem being honest with yourself; your post is as honest as it can get.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I do think you are being honest and that you are seeking support. I think you are seeking recovery and finding relief at times in your life, but it is possible that you have yet to unearth the issues that are causing you to turn to drugs/alcohol, etc. Have you considered counselling as an option?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: State of Acceptance
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by Anna 
I do think you are being honest and that you are seeking support. I think you are seeking recovery and finding relief at times in your life, but it is possible that you have yet to unearth the issues that are causing you to turn to drugs/alcohol, etc. Have you considered counselling as an option?
And,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 414
The real turning point in my attempts at recovery came when I was finally honest with myself that my behavior was causing problems in my life. Up until that point, every time I told myself I would put the drink down, I did so knowing that I would eventually drink again. And so I did; sometimes very quickly and other times after a decent break.
Much of the AA program is centered around honesty, and for good reason. The first three steps deal with being honest with yourself about the problem and that it is beyond your capacity to fix it. Steps 4-9 deal with honestly assessing your thought processes and behaviors and how they impacted your disease and others. Steps 10-12 are the steps that encourage you to maintain honesty in your daily life so you do not revert back to alcoholic behaviors.
That you recognized when you got out of the hospital that your first thought was about the quantity of drugs and alcohol that you had on hand, is an honest admission. It does not indicate that you cannot achieve sobriety, but rather that you are in fact an alcoholic/addict. This is the first honest revelation that you need to have with yourself if the rest of the program is to work.
Keep being honest with yourself, dive back into the program, and you will come through this with flying colors.
Welcome to SR, jade12!
Much of the AA program is centered around honesty, and for good reason. The first three steps deal with being honest with yourself about the problem and that it is beyond your capacity to fix it. Steps 4-9 deal with honestly assessing your thought processes and behaviors and how they impacted your disease and others. Steps 10-12 are the steps that encourage you to maintain honesty in your daily life so you do not revert back to alcoholic behaviors.
That you recognized when you got out of the hospital that your first thought was about the quantity of drugs and alcohol that you had on hand, is an honest admission. It does not indicate that you cannot achieve sobriety, but rather that you are in fact an alcoholic/addict. This is the first honest revelation that you need to have with yourself if the rest of the program is to work.
Keep being honest with yourself, dive back into the program, and you will come through this with flying colors.
Welcome to SR, jade12!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
I firmly believe that noone is beyond hope Jade. Recovery is avialable to anyone who wants it and is prepared to work for it.
I guess the question is how much are you prepared to work for it? how much change can you countenance?
D
I guess the question is how much are you prepared to work for it? how much change can you countenance?
D
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
I cannot imagine the state of being that would be described as 'constitutionally incapable of being honest'. To dump that baggage on top of a failed AA attempt, as it is written, is simply shameful. I can't see that label of dishonesty being helpful for anyone struggling with sobriety. It reeks of the emperor's clothes to me.
You don't need to accept any label at all, Jade12. Your future is yours to make of it what you choose, and you can choose sobriety and freedom from addiction. You can decide for good leave that behind you and open that new door that is waiting for you.
Are you ready to make your plan about continuing to use drugs and alcohol?
You don't need to accept any label at all, Jade12. Your future is yours to make of it what you choose, and you can choose sobriety and freedom from addiction. You can decide for good leave that behind you and open that new door that is waiting for you.
Are you ready to make your plan about continuing to use drugs and alcohol?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,443
Welcome, Jade....I am new to recovery (again)...only 18 days, but I am quite familiar with the 12 steps...I agree with the others that you are being very honest! You say that "Those periods eventually illuminated how my lifeless existence continued to decay which ultimately fueled the insatiable cravings impelling me to find relief yet again. And the cycle continues and each time the isolation grows and the more I shut down." Were you able to make any clean/sober friends in any of the programs? Did you work with a sponsor? I, too, have had bouts with self-loathing and isolation...it always seemed that the isolation was part of what "took me out"...I wasn't accountable to anyone...I did benefit a lot from counseling, as well as from "getting connected", finding a home group, etc. I no longer attend AA due to my location, but there are many other tools available these days as well... All the best to you....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
My heart just goes out to you. I too felt for years that I had a double life - the functional mask, and the self-destruction that swarms over everything. You are here and fighting and that is honest. I hope you stick around this website.
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