How to respond to letter

Old 11-02-2013, 10:31 AM
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How to respond to letter

I recently sent a letter to my brother in prison a/b seeing if he is interested in getting an interview for a rehab when he is released from prison in January. He responded by saying rehab is not what he needs. He specifically said "They can only teach me what I already know. There isn't anything about recovery that you can teach me. What I've always lacked is the will to make the step/effort to change. That is something I have to do on my own, and I'm more ready than I've ever been. I'm tired of not having anything. Also, I am tired of killing myself. I'm doing a lot of things differently. I'm starting a routine, I work out a couple hours everyday except Sundays; I read spiritual literature daily; I pray. I am changing the way I look & think about everything."

I think he believes things will be differently but I know he needs help. What can I say to him to make him realize that he needs more than his own "will power." Anyone have anything to say to him or me about this?

Also, in his letters he is always kind of demanding & sort of self-rightous & never really listens to what I say. For example, he never writes a letter without ending with a request of some sort. This is very discerning to me but maybe this is how you have to be in prison. Is this common with addicts? The only time I ever really know how he is feeling is through his poetry.

I hope someone helps. Thank you.
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Old 11-02-2013, 12:38 PM
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I personally think you should step away as much as possible. If he is really ready, he probably does know the ropes, especially after being in jail. Inmates learn a lot from each other. If he isn't ready, then nothing you say or do will help anyway. It will just frustrate you.

I now try not to talk to my AS about his doing/not doing drugs as much as possible. I 'try' but am not always successful at just talking about it if HE brings it up. Occasionally I do ask him for basic info about his situation but I am really trying, at least, to leave this up to him. Not easy sometimes though.

I would write back and say. "Okay, I was just wondering." Then go on talking about other things that are not drug related.

Kari
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Old 11-02-2013, 03:01 PM
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I agree with Kari Sue, you cannot manage his recovery even if you think he's doing a bad job of it. His recovery is his to find and work in his own way.

No rehab will ever work for a resident who doesn't have the willingness to get clean. And any addict who has a willingness to get clean will find a way to get there and stay there. This is for your brother to sort out, in his own way in his own time.

My suggestion is to encourage his efforts, whatever they may be and then let him find his own way.

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Old 11-02-2013, 03:13 PM
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He responded by saying rehab is not what he needs. He specifically said "They can only teach me what I already know. There isn't anything about recovery that you can teach me. What I've always lacked is the will to make the step/effort to change. That is something I have to do on my own,
He's right about this. Rehab is not a factory that spits out recovered addicts. The main ingredient in any sober plan is willingness to do whatever it takes. That is something the addict can achieve with or without rehab. There are many, many recovering addicts on this forum who never went to rehab.

and I'm more ready than I've ever been.
This sounds hopeful, but again, it is up to him whether he holds onto this thought. His plan may not be what you would hope for, but it's his plan and he really needs to do this in his own way.
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Old 11-02-2013, 03:35 PM
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It does sounds hopeful but I always think of these times as being cautiously optimistic.

When they are in jail they have much time to think. Promises are made of how things will be different.

The real world doesn't care much about their recovery. Well maybe the codependents do! LOL!!!

If they don't find support and coping skills the same issues are bound to come up.....which put them in the place that they promised they wouldn't be in again.

I wouldn't push or suggest or give advice anymore. He knows you are supportive.

As for the ending of the letter with a request....I suppose that may be prison or even the person writing IDK. I do know that if you feel uncomfortable with the requests say so. You don't have to walk on eggshells with him.
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Old 11-02-2013, 03:47 PM
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It does sounds hopeful but I always think of these times as being cautiously optimistic.
Absolutely.
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Old 11-02-2013, 11:56 PM
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Originally Posted by mybrother View Post
I recently sent a letter to my brother in prison a/b seeing if he is interested in getting an interview for a rehab when he is released from prison in January. He responded by saying rehab is not what he needs. He specifically said "They can only teach me what I already know. There isn't anything about recovery that you can teach me. What I've always lacked is the will to make the step/effort to change. That is something I have to do on my own, and I'm more ready than I've ever been. I'm tired of not having anything. Also, I am tired of killing myself. I'm doing a lot of things differently. I'm starting a routine, I work out a couple hours everyday except Sundays; I read spiritual literature daily; I pray. I am changing the way I look & think about everything."

I think he believes things will be differently but I know he needs help. What can I say to him to make him realize that he needs more than his own "will power." Anyone have anything to say to him or me about this?

Also, in his letters he is always kind of demanding & sort of self-rightous & never really listens to what I say. For example, he never writes a letter without ending with a request of some sort. This is very discerning to me but maybe this is how you have to be in prison. Is this common with addicts? The only time I ever really know how he is feeling is through his poetry.

I hope someone helps. Thank you.
Its positive he is motivated; and the poems and writings you've shared here show he has been thinking about life. But life outside of prison will expose him to all the people. places, things, feelings he had in the past. Personally, I agree with you; rehab, or some other type of treatment would be beneficial to him. I don't think its ever wrong for us to encourage our loved ones to seek help for themselves; we just cant make that all there is to the relationship, or we wont have a real relationship anymore. If encouraging him is something you want to do, then I would probably just emphasize what rehab might help him achieve. Focus on his goals, and ask how he will get there. For example with my husband he was given 1:1 sessions with a therapist. Are there issues in your brothers past that he could benefit from that, help him resolve feelings or events? My husband also learned different cognitive behavioral techniques that help him identify triggers, avoid them, deal with cravings. All good tools to have against addiction. I don't know if that helps you, but your brother needs to know willpower is great, but there are things out there to help make it easier for him to fight the battle, change his life.

Cant really comment on his attitude in the letters, was he like that before prison?
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Old 11-03-2013, 05:37 AM
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Thank you everyone for your input. I mostly agree with everyone here but like many codependents, I am having a hard time letting him decide b/c his decisions always end in disaster. When he is released from prison, he will not have anywhere to go. I truly want him to come stay with my husband & I for a little while in another state but feel he needs to prove himself a little first.

Here is my next question: should I let him come stay with me for a week or so when he gets out? Would that do any good? I thought that maybe then I could bring up rehab again face to face. My husband has agreed to let him come stay with us for a short while, yet he is very apprehensive. I want to be there for my brother & make him feel accepted yet I don't want to rock the boat with my husband.

Please help!
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Old 11-03-2013, 07:56 AM
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I don't see the harm in having him visit. The risk is that it may turn out to a longer stay than you planned and this may cause problems with your husband. You may want to discuss this frankly with your husband. Another idea might be for you to get him into a sober living house and cover a couple of months rent till he can find a job.
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Old 11-03-2013, 10:22 AM
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I agree that a sober living house would be better than having him stay in your home. It would give him a chance to prove that he is sincere in his desire for sobriety, ease back into society, and get a job.

It is obvious that you love your brother very much, but it sounds like you are trying to control him and that really isn't your place. He has the right to make his own decisions even if you don't agree with them.
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Old 11-03-2013, 10:39 AM
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The problem with letting him stay at your house is...if he decides to do nothing. Then you are left feeling "bad" that you ask him to leave. They (addicts) are really great at making excuses/manipulating.

Sober living is a great idea. Pay the first months rent if you can and that will help you feel supportive.

Recovery is for him. You really can't convince him to do anything different than he wants. Set your boundaries and love him.
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Old 11-04-2013, 07:09 AM
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He will find his way, his way. I see nothing wrong in what he said to you about knowing what to do to help himself. If he was given the tools then he knows how to use them...the issue only becomes if he will use them, or not. He can just as easily get well, as he can relapse. Either way there will be always be something to learn.

And if your husband is apprehensive...
And you are worrying about rocking the boat in that area...

Know that he doesn't have to come stay with you. There is nothing that says you have to take him in. And he is more than capable of working out a place to stay.



Also with the poetry. You are not going to be able to get into his head and truly understand what he is thinking, feeling. I write in this medium all the time. My whole journal is poem after poem...I use the abstract very well. I only let the true meaning of a piece show if I want it too, the more personal ones I wrote for me, they make sense to me and I don't take the reader into consideration because this is for me, not anyone else. My way of working my head out, life out.
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Old 11-04-2013, 08:47 AM
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My sister and brother in law let his brother come stay with them for about two weeks. He was O so serious and doing so good. Stole from them then left. Then called and begged for a bus ticket which they bough and sent to him for $80 (they sent the ticket, not the money). He did not show.

They knew it was going to happen but his other brother was a substance absuer and committed suicide so they wanted to give him a chance. You said he feels the need to prove himself for a bit before he comes to stay w/you. Why not give him the chance to do that for himself?

Good Luck and God Bless!
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Old 11-04-2013, 01:57 PM
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Originally Posted by mybrother View Post
I am having a hard time letting him decide b/c his decisions always end in disaster.
This is how my mom thinks and my brother just got out of prison in Sept.

Unless you change this way of thinking soon:
He will continue to use your love and concern as weapons against you.
He will continue to quote from the "What addicts say from prison" guide and you will believe it.
He will infiltrate your happy home and cause, at a bare minimum, marital problems.

Getting out of prison proves nothing.
There is way more evil and drugs in there than "Lord literature".

When you get around to putting your serenity guard up, don't be quick to let it down.
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